Is this emotional abuse or am I over reacting

[Charlotte5267]

I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant and living with my DH.
Before I was pregnant we both used to drink rather too much (I'd get through 2 large glasses of wine a night easily some of the time even more). Obviously I stopped as soon as I found out I was pregnant and I know that this level of drinking was by no means ok.
We've been married for four years and have rowed on on off but since I have become pregnant my DH has totally changed.
He disagrees with everything I say/ suggest and tells me how wrong I am.
He won't have sex with me anymore.
He's still going out drinking and lies about where he has been and how much he has had.

If I try and argue he just walks away muttering how stupid I am under his breath and laughing.
We've had a few of blazing rows recently and they have always started the same way. I come home and find him drunk which he denies. Last night I confronted him and stupidly provoked him by saying I was worried about leaving a child alone with him if he's going to drink this much. He followed me into the bedroom and threw the TV remote at me and started on the usual arguments all screamed in my face -
My family are horrible and money obsessed (They are not and have always supported him and taken him on big holidays)
I'm horrible to his mother and she is a kind person. He then switched to calling both me and his mother c**ts.
None of our friends like me and they have all complained to him about how horrible I am.
I'm weak and pathetic like my mother.
Our son is going to end up mad like me. (I'm not mad but I have been crying at the slightest thing since about 10 weeks)
I will never cope with having this baby.
I treat him like a lodger (I own the property and he contributes towards bills etc)
All the things I'm interested in/ projects I'm working on get referred to as shitty and crappy.
I'm lazy.
My job is crap and I'm crap at it.
All the time he is yelling in my face and I can't get a word in. I try and get to the front door but he blocks the way saying that I'm making him out to be a monster.
I packed a bag last night and begged him to let me out but he just got even more upset and said I was being stupid and weak.
We've had about 6 of these big rows since I found out I was pregnant (we had planned to have a baby) and everything I end up hysterical and terrified and I'm worried it will hurt the baby.
I don't have any friends anymore as I don't see anyone. I'm always worried I will say the wrong thing to people. Most of my friends are his friends too.
Hes constantly on his phone and carries it everywhere with him and gets aggressive if I ask what he's doing on it.
It was our wedding anniversary the day of his works Christmas lunch. He promised he would come home straight after. We had agreed to stay in as I'm always so tired which I appreciate can be very dull for him. Last year we went to Rules for a beautiful £200 meal that I treated us to. This year he came back an hour later than he said he would be. He was drunk and stinking of fags. I went to lie down and he followed me into the bedroom and passed out next to me. He woke up long enough to eat the pizza I'd ordered and then passed out again. When hes been drinking he takes up lots of space in the bed and I worry about him kneeing me in the bump so I sleep on the very edge of the bed.
He was supposed to learn to drive (we live in London so have never needed to) before the baby arrived. He booked his theory but only went over the revision the night before so failed and has done nothing since. If I ask him when he's planning to take the test again he get cross and says hes doing everything else (he did re paint the kitchen as we are looking to move to a bigger place).
He doesn't think that we should get a joint mortgage when we move and that everything should stay in my name which seems odd.
I feel like I can't do anything right anymore and I'm so lonely. I don't want to tell my parents as my nan is on end of life care and they have enough to worry about and they live in the Midlands. Plus its probably not as bad as I'm thinking it is and its just my hormones. I'm hoping that the baby will cheer him up and he won't want to drink.
When he wakes up the morning after a fight hes so lovely and kind and sweet. He explains that we both get stressed and need to let off steam and that he loves me. I've let myself go and I am quite dull now that I'm so tired and not drinking so I get that it can't be an easy adjustment for him.
I've offered to leave and for us to go our separate ways but he just keeps saying 'You're being silly' over and over again.
Sorry for the rant.

You're not being silly or over-reacting, he's an abusive arsehole and he's obviously not taking the pregnancy thing well, despite it being planned.

Get away from him. Kick him out, divorce him, do whatever you need to do but get away from him. If he's this bad this early on, it's likely to escalate through your pregnancy. You don't need this, your baby doesn't need this - NO ONE needs this shit.

Please try reading your own post as though it was one of your friends saying it and see how truly awful it is - he should be cherishing you and caring for you, and instead he's being cruel and mentally, emotionally and nearly physically abusing you. It won't take much to go from throwing a remote control at you, to pushing you over, or slapping you, or hitting you with something.

For your own safety and sanity, and the safety of your baby, get rid of him.

The strain of pregnancy is nothing, absolutely nothing, compared to the stress of caring for a newborn. Having his sleep massively interrupted will not cheer him up, it will make it worse. He thinks you're boring now? This is your new life until your child is independent enough not to need hands on care. It's many years away.

Bin him now, start your baby's life without this toxic mess.

This is what my DP was like when I was pregnant, but I just made do because 'i am hardly perfect myself' and 'he is nice in between'.

I wish I had left him then. I'm making plans to leave him now. He was rude to our three year old on Christmas Day. If I hadn't put up with it then, she could have had all the nice things that I did anyway (he didn't put anything into it) and no one would have soured the mood.

When I had a newborn baby who never slept to look after, he made me feel like shit and went on at me for ages because I didn't make his lunch to take to work and didn't clean the house well enough. I honestly can't believe I let him treat me like that! I can't believe I felt guilty for not making an adult man's lunch with a newborn! I can't believe I did it- I worked it into my schedule by making his lunch after DD's 3am feed!

You and your DC deserve better. Best do it now.

Honestly he's being a dick. If he can't be more responsible now, when you're having a child he never will. Kick him out and tell him if he can grow up you can look at repairing things if that's what you want but you need to concentrate on you and the baby, not him. You got this!

Please don't stay and let your baby grow up thinking this is how men behave. And talk to your parents, they will want to know whatever else is going on for them......

You and your baby both deserve better

A baby won’t cheer him up! A baby puts strains on the best of partnerships. Did he only become this way once you got pregnant? If so he’s probably hiding from how he feels about it all. When your baby arrives he will not be a priority. I don’t think he’s going to handle that well either.
Unfortunately I think you would be a lot safer and happier if you left him. He sounds very abusive. Put your baby first and do the right thing, you deserve so much more than this.

Throw him out OP. You're in a better situation than a lot of women like you as you own the house
You and your baby will not be penniless in a refuge somewhere.
The abuse after drinking is a red flag and telling you you are mad for being emotional.
You could be 10 times more emotional after the birth (sad adverts used to make me cry) and need support. You won't get it from him. Please get rid

I had been with my ex for 5-6 years before I fell pregnant. We were very happy before then. He totally changed once I was pregnant, I didn't recognise him at all and it was heartbeaking we lasted through the pregnancy and until dd was 9 months old.
I couldn't take it anymore, i really really wish I'd just ended it whilst I was pregnant. At least it would have allowed me to enjoy the pregnancy/dds first few months and I doubt I would have developed pnd if it weren't for him.. even if you don't want to break up all together get him to move out for a while so you can have some space. He might need space too. You really don't need this right now you're fragial enough with being pregnant.

I don't know why this happens, men changing when their partners fall pregnant (or is it us that change and see them/things in a different light?? I've often pondered on that..) anyway, it's pretty common, the best thing you can do is get your self away from this and concentrate on your self and your baby, even if it's only temporary. Would he be able to rent some place for say 6 months? Or does he have friends or family he could move in with for a while?

If the house is yours, kick him out, change the locks.

If you can't do the above because he is in, get out, with a bag and go to your nearest refuge and seek help.

Get out. NOW

Pack his shit and leave it outside. Contact women's aid (or similar) for support. Change the locks (leave your key in the lock in the meantime so he cant use his key)

It won't be easy, but it will be worth it

He is abusing you.
You deserve to feel safe in your home.
You should be feeling nurtured and adored while pregnant
Tell him to leave. Speak with your midwife if you need help.

If he won't seriously listen to your concerns at any time when he is not drunk this is going nowhere and becoming more dangerous. Don't confront him when drunk. Sorry you have to deal with this.

If you dare, try to make an arrangement to have a proper talk. If he refuses, doesn't turn up or is drunk, abusive, or you don't dare speak to him it's time to end it.
Don't try to leave in the middle of an argument unless literally fleeing.

Tell him if possible when he is calm this this can't continue, get legal advice if you can, contact women's aid. If possible evict him, if not while he is not home go to your mum or a safe place until you get him out.

Also - what he said about your friends (joint, mutual, whatever) will be total lies. They do not hate you or think you're horrible - he's just saying that to ensure that you don't go to them and tell them what an utter bastard he's being.

If there are any of them who you would usually trust, call them and tell them what you're doing and why.

Please, please, please take us all seriously even if this is not what you want to hear.

The man you loved has shown you his true colours now you are pregnant. He is verbally abusive and he may become physically abusive too.

Please get him out before baby arrives. Please talk to your parents. They would want to know and would want to help you. Imagine if you had a daughter or friend going through this.

Do not talk to him about this when he is drunk. Wait until he is in 'nice' mode. He has to go.

My XH used to say a lot of similar things to me when arguing. Classic abusive behaviour. You need to throw him out and divorce him. It will never get better. Trust me.

OH I just reread the friends thing- I posted about that just this weekend! After I made a (small, polite) complaint about something, DH argued and shouted at me for hours before telling me all our friends think I've become rude and arrogant now. It's really upsetting in the moment but clear manipulation by the light of day.

A newborn baby will not improve an abusive relationship!

You need him out of your property ASAP. Change the locks, put his stuff outside or get a friend/a taxi driver to take it to his mum’s.

Please tell your family - it’s lovely of you to not want to worry them while they are caring for your nana but they need to know.

My DD's bio Dad started when I was pregnant. He had to be removed from the house by police both the day before I went into Labour and the day after we came home from hospital. It got so bad that I ended up with a panic alarm. TRUST ME it gets worse when the baby is born. A thousand times worse. I even voice recorded some of it.

Men like him don't give a toss about anyone but themselves. It's a fact.

You own the property, call a locksmith and repossess it. It should be your sanctuary from the world, you do not have to put up with this crap. You will be far more lonely in this relationship than you would be on your own enjoying your own freedom.

Good luck.

Have my first ever LTB OP.

He's abusive and disgusting,

A baby will not 'cheer him up'! A baby who sleeps in 1.5/2 hours chunks, and cries and screams with pain from colic/cold/sore/god knows what at 3 in the morning is a fucking trial, not a blessing!

You really think he will 'get better' after the baby is here? Think again. He will get worse. And then some.

Get rid now, and get used to doing it all yourself, but without a further drain on your MH, without another big baby to pick up after, without a manchild to worry about. It's a lot easier.

There would be no second chances from me. He'd be out on his ear after that.

No matter how many apologies he tries, it's time for him to go.

Call the locksmith now and tell them to come straight away and you'll give them a tip. Get his gear and put it in bin bags and leave on the step.
When the locks are all done, batten down the hatches and draw the curtains. Don't answer your phone or anything and call the the Police if he starts kicking the door or carrying on outside.
He can go to his families, hes not your problem anymore.

He's already told you your a bad mother and the lo isn't here yet, what do you expect when the child is here? He's shouting and abusing a pregnant women ( who's carrying his child!!!) what happens when the lo is here?
He has destroyed you in words that are stuck forever in your mind, what do you expect to happen when the lo is here? Me and my own dp went through a tough patch at the beginning due to the change and both putting our made focus on our lo.
I'm repeating myself because it will and by all means has already got worse. The baby is the issue it's his ability to grow up and communicate properly.
I understand you are probably reacting at times badly ( shouting crying etc) but that doesn't give him right to act the way he has especially as being pregnant cause changes and makes you feel scared and trapped.
You do need to leave and I don't say that lightly, he is going to promise to change and you are going to want the ' family ' you plan but you aren't going to get that with the arse hole!!!!!!!!

Definitely abuse! You are not overreacting at all. He’s vile. Leave the git.