Is this emotional abuse or am I over reacting

[Charlotte5267]

I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant and living with my DH.
Before I was pregnant we both used to drink rather too much (I'd get through 2 large glasses of wine a night easily some of the time even more). Obviously I stopped as soon as I found out I was pregnant and I know that this level of drinking was by no means ok.
We've been married for four years and have rowed on on off but since I have become pregnant my DH has totally changed.
He disagrees with everything I say/ suggest and tells me how wrong I am.
He won't have sex with me anymore.
He's still going out drinking and lies about where he has been and how much he has had.

If I try and argue he just walks away muttering how stupid I am under his breath and laughing.
We've had a few of blazing rows recently and they have always started the same way. I come home and find him drunk which he denies. Last night I confronted him and stupidly provoked him by saying I was worried about leaving a child alone with him if he's going to drink this much. He followed me into the bedroom and threw the TV remote at me and started on the usual arguments all screamed in my face -
My family are horrible and money obsessed (They are not and have always supported him and taken him on big holidays)
I'm horrible to his mother and she is a kind person. He then switched to calling both me and his mother c**ts.
None of our friends like me and they have all complained to him about how horrible I am.
I'm weak and pathetic like my mother.
Our son is going to end up mad like me. (I'm not mad but I have been crying at the slightest thing since about 10 weeks)
I will never cope with having this baby.
I treat him like a lodger (I own the property and he contributes towards bills etc)
All the things I'm interested in/ projects I'm working on get referred to as shitty and crappy.
I'm lazy.
My job is crap and I'm crap at it.
All the time he is yelling in my face and I can't get a word in. I try and get to the front door but he blocks the way saying that I'm making him out to be a monster.
I packed a bag last night and begged him to let me out but he just got even more upset and said I was being stupid and weak.
We've had about 6 of these big rows since I found out I was pregnant (we had planned to have a baby) and everything I end up hysterical and terrified and I'm worried it will hurt the baby.
I don't have any friends anymore as I don't see anyone. I'm always worried I will say the wrong thing to people. Most of my friends are his friends too.
Hes constantly on his phone and carries it everywhere with him and gets aggressive if I ask what he's doing on it.
It was our wedding anniversary the day of his works Christmas lunch. He promised he would come home straight after. We had agreed to stay in as I'm always so tired which I appreciate can be very dull for him. Last year we went to Rules for a beautiful £200 meal that I treated us to. This year he came back an hour later than he said he would be. He was drunk and stinking of fags. I went to lie down and he followed me into the bedroom and passed out next to me. He woke up long enough to eat the pizza I'd ordered and then passed out again. When hes been drinking he takes up lots of space in the bed and I worry about him kneeing me in the bump so I sleep on the very edge of the bed.
He was supposed to learn to drive (we live in London so have never needed to) before the baby arrived. He booked his theory but only went over the revision the night before so failed and has done nothing since. If I ask him when he's planning to take the test again he get cross and says hes doing everything else (he did re paint the kitchen as we are looking to move to a bigger place).
He doesn't think that we should get a joint mortgage when we move and that everything should stay in my name which seems odd.
I feel like I can't do anything right anymore and I'm so lonely. I don't want to tell my parents as my nan is on end of life care and they have enough to worry about and they live in the Midlands. Plus its probably not as bad as I'm thinking it is and its just my hormones. I'm hoping that the baby will cheer him up and he won't want to drink.
When he wakes up the morning after a fight hes so lovely and kind and sweet. He explains that we both get stressed and need to let off steam and that he loves me. I've let myself go and I am quite dull now that I'm so tired and not drinking so I get that it can't be an easy adjustment for him.
I've offered to leave and for us to go our separate ways but he just keeps saying 'You're being silly' over and over again.
Sorry for the rant.

He is an abusive alcoholic. You need to stop living with him. It will not get better when the baby is born and sleep deprivation sets in. Normally I would say pack a bag, but since you are sole owner of the home, I would meet with a solicitor and find out exactly what you need to do to get him out of the house. Then execute that plan.

stupidly provoked him by saying I was worried about leaving a child alone with him if he's going to drink this much.

Stupidly provoked? you expressed valid, legitimate concerns about the safety of the newborn in your belly.

His response was to throw something at you and scream at you.

I am quite dull now that I'm so tired and not drinking so I get that it can't be an easy adjustment for him
You will be even more 'dull' when you have a baby attached to you and expect him to behave appropriately.
As for it can't be easy for him...you are pregnant, miserable, stressed and terrified because of him

What you describe is horrendously abusive behaviour.

It is escalating and will continue to do so.

He will tear you to pieces emotionally and make you a shadow of your former self, then he will start hitting you. Do you realise how easy it is to move from screaming in someone's face to beating the hell out of them. The screaming right in your face already means he is barely stopping himself. One or two more drinks is going to remove the last molecule of restraint at some point.

He will be jealous of your baby and a danger to it.

He is very dangerous to you.
He has zero respect for you.
In fact he must secretly have nothing but contempt for you as sentiments such as those he expressed do not appear out of nowhere. Those sentiments are festering away inside him all of the time and being pissed up is removing his inhibitions in regards to letting them escape his foul mouth.

I'm sorry, this is going to be hard for you to hear. Nobody wants to admit they've made a mistake when it comes to choosing a partner but even the smartest women in the world make this mistake all the time because men like him make a very good job of hiding who they really are. The smartest thing to do is to say, "get out, you are not fooling me any more", it is also the hardest thing to do. Please don't let fear, pride or misguided loyalty to him, keep you in a dangerous and mentally destructive relationship.

Good luck, you have a lot to think about.

Look, Charlotte, we are all strangers and some here might have strong opinions. It's obviously heartbreaking and sad that he is behaving the way he does.

But it's equally tricky to just 'change locks' and dump him. I can only imagine what you must be going through.

Pregnancy is an important time for you. You should have the right to enjoy it, relax into this role and live it safely and with the feeling that you have support and a "nest". It doesn't sound like this is the case. Can you not move to your parents for a bit and ask him to leave your property in the meantime? As some posters suggested, could you not get in touch with a support group? Do NOT isolate yourself. It will be nice for you to hear and get the reassurance that you are not overreacting and that his behaviour is indeed NOT ok.

He might still be a good dad at a later stage, just take a step back to figure him out and what's gotten into him.

Another first ever LTB from me. Although technically not leave. Throw him out before he can abuse you any more. Your pregnancy and non-drinking are giving you the clarity to see his drunken, abusive behaviour for what it is. He's not going to change but you have already. Do not go backwards.

Oh sweetheart, I could have written your post years ago

This man is a violent, abusing, controlling bastard, please throw him out. I know it's not easy, It isn't, talk to your friends, your midwife, they will want to help you, I promise.

I left my abusive XH and moved back to my home city, it's the best thing I've ever done, you will look back and say the same

This is textbook abuse.
You should be scared for yourself but more than that you should be scared shitless for your baby! This arsehole of a H is already slipping across the line into physical abuse towards you He followed me into the bedroom and threw the TV remote at me plus he screams in your face and has stopped you from leaving, massive red flag there. It makes my blood run cold to think how he is going to handle being sleep deprived, stressed, frustrated and dealing with a screaming infant who can't protect themselves.

You know what you need to do.
You know you need to kick him out for yours and your LO's safety.
Next time he's out get the locks changed and dump his stuff on the front step.
Call the police and report his behaviour so if he comes back and tries to force his way in they will respond immediately.
Contact your family and some trusted friends and let them know what is happening so they can support you through this.

I really hope you have the strength of character to do what you need to do OP, it's not easy to do but you MUST put your childs safety above all else now.
Good luck.

Plus its probably not as bad as I'm thinking it is and its just my hormones

It is bad, it is not just your hormones. Please don’t think “he will get better when the baby is born” he won’t.

Speak to your parents, they love you and would hate for you to be dealing with all this without them knowing and being able to help/advise you.

OP he sounds horrible. My XH was a a bastard and I left him for less. When I was pregnant I stopped drinking, so he stepped up his to drink what I would have drunk.

Please get rid of this twat before your baby is born. You’re going to need all your emotional energy to deal with a new born and you can’t do that while he’s sucking the life out of you, and what if the drinking gets worse? That’s what happened with my ex, and what if your DH did what my XH did and got you back drinking as quick as possible. Believe me, this in’t a road you want to go down, you’ll regret it for ever. You’ll never get that time back when your LO is born, and if he gets his way I bet you’ll be pissed half the time. Don’t go there. Please believe me when I tell you this.

@Charlotte5267 are you still there? Are you OK?

Appreciate that some of this must be hard to hear. Please let us know you are OK and that you're going to make sure yourself and baby are safe, Please ask him to leave.

It sounds like your family will be there for you OP, they would want to know what’s happening so they can help

Get in touch with your local domestic violence support service - it doesn’t matter that he hasn’t physically assaulted you yet - they will still advise you and be your support network.

The freedom programme is very highly recommended www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

The National Domestic Violence 24 hour helpline number is 0808 2000 247 - please save it in your phone today

❤️

Thank you. I just feel like I've failed if I leave him. I've tried to suggest some time apart by text today but he thinks everything is fine.
My job is in London and my family all live in the Midlands. I suggested he take a break and stay with his family but hes says hes stressed and they would just give him a nervous breakdown.

YOu have to be firm, tell him his behaviour is unacceptable stressed or not, and that he has to move out as you need space and you cannot put up with that anymore.

My partner has became quite abuse since I got pregnant too, I wish I had the courage to leave but a part of me keeps hoping he will change - the truth is though I know he won't and I know I'll end up wishing I'd left before baby came but I'm just not strong enough.

Be strong, be better than me and do what is right for you, you deserve so much more x

Mate, if you leave him, it’s not you that ‘failed’ - it’s him.

He failed to be a decent human being. He failed at treating you with respect. He failed at being a loving parent.

@Charlotte5267 thank you for replying.

hes says hes stressed and they would just give him a nervous breakdown

Again this is still all about him; his wants and needs. Not what's best for you and baby.

You need to put your big girl pants on and tell him he has to go for good. No, it won't be easy but it's better than ending up as a punchbag.

Leaving an abusive relationship doesn't mean you've failed at anything. He has failed at being a decent human being.
Don't give him the option OP he will never leave because you asked him nicely. The way he is treating you works for him, he enjoys it, like he said to you, according to him "everything is fine". If he didn't enjoy the way he's treating you, he wouldn't be acting the way he is.

Oh and he says his family will give him a nervous breakdown, by you staying with him you will have a breakdown.

Wow OP, I never comment on threads by telling the OP to leave (because I understand it's easier said than done) but you really need to let him go.
If he can be this way to you now while you are in such a fragile and vulnerable state then how is he going to be in the future?
If you can't do it for yourself then PLEASE do it for your son.
You have not failed if you leave him, you have succeeded in being a strong person and ensuring that you and your baby have the best chance of a fulfilling life.

Please tell him to leave, it’s no environment for a baby.

Without doubt a baby in the mix will make everything worse .
A crying baby taking all your attention is not going to go down well with this nasty excuse for a human

OP, your post practically gave me flashbacks, to the point where I felt a bit sick.

My XH used to say some of the exact same things (eg about family, job, friends) and showed some of the same behaviours (shouting in my face for ages on end, getting pissed, not letting me leave the house). He was also financially abusive and, eventually, started to get physical (grabbing and shoving).

It was only when he started to abuse me physically that I came to my senses and ended up my marriage, and only then did I come to realise that he'd been abusive for years. Because it had started with isolated incidents, I'd dismissed them as one-off events, and hadn't even noticed as it became my "normal".

This is definitely abuse and you owe it to yourself and your baby to end this relationship. Please get in touch with Women's Aid or similar for support, and ask him to leave.

Chuck. Him. Out.

Change the locks and go through solicitors only. Sounds like he is one that will turn up drunk and get very nasty.

I could have written this.
Please make him leave, he will get worse. He could end up hurting you and your baby or worse.

Can you reply to his text "everything is NOT fine. I am scared of you. Your outbursts upset me. You throw things at me. You call me 'cunt'. You tell me how awful I am and how no one likes me. You call me mad. You say I will be a bad parent.
I will not continue to be abused by you. I want you to leave the house. I want you not to contact me for 1 week while I gather my thoughts and work out the best way for me and our baby to live. I am going to a friends to stay overnight. Please do not be here when I return tomorrow (Friday) evening."

Then switch your phone off while you pack an overnight bag to go and stay at a friends.