Is this emotional abuse or am I over reacting

[Charlotte5267]

I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant and living with my DH.
Before I was pregnant we both used to drink rather too much (I'd get through 2 large glasses of wine a night easily some of the time even more). Obviously I stopped as soon as I found out I was pregnant and I know that this level of drinking was by no means ok.
We've been married for four years and have rowed on on off but since I have become pregnant my DH has totally changed.
He disagrees with everything I say/ suggest and tells me how wrong I am.
He won't have sex with me anymore.
He's still going out drinking and lies about where he has been and how much he has had.

If I try and argue he just walks away muttering how stupid I am under his breath and laughing.
We've had a few of blazing rows recently and they have always started the same way. I come home and find him drunk which he denies. Last night I confronted him and stupidly provoked him by saying I was worried about leaving a child alone with him if he's going to drink this much. He followed me into the bedroom and threw the TV remote at me and started on the usual arguments all screamed in my face -
My family are horrible and money obsessed (They are not and have always supported him and taken him on big holidays)
I'm horrible to his mother and she is a kind person. He then switched to calling both me and his mother c**ts.
None of our friends like me and they have all complained to him about how horrible I am.
I'm weak and pathetic like my mother.
Our son is going to end up mad like me. (I'm not mad but I have been crying at the slightest thing since about 10 weeks)
I will never cope with having this baby.
I treat him like a lodger (I own the property and he contributes towards bills etc)
All the things I'm interested in/ projects I'm working on get referred to as shitty and crappy.
I'm lazy.
My job is crap and I'm crap at it.
All the time he is yelling in my face and I can't get a word in. I try and get to the front door but he blocks the way saying that I'm making him out to be a monster.
I packed a bag last night and begged him to let me out but he just got even more upset and said I was being stupid and weak.
We've had about 6 of these big rows since I found out I was pregnant (we had planned to have a baby) and everything I end up hysterical and terrified and I'm worried it will hurt the baby.
I don't have any friends anymore as I don't see anyone. I'm always worried I will say the wrong thing to people. Most of my friends are his friends too.
Hes constantly on his phone and carries it everywhere with him and gets aggressive if I ask what he's doing on it.
It was our wedding anniversary the day of his works Christmas lunch. He promised he would come home straight after. We had agreed to stay in as I'm always so tired which I appreciate can be very dull for him. Last year we went to Rules for a beautiful £200 meal that I treated us to. This year he came back an hour later than he said he would be. He was drunk and stinking of fags. I went to lie down and he followed me into the bedroom and passed out next to me. He woke up long enough to eat the pizza I'd ordered and then passed out again. When hes been drinking he takes up lots of space in the bed and I worry about him kneeing me in the bump so I sleep on the very edge of the bed.
He was supposed to learn to drive (we live in London so have never needed to) before the baby arrived. He booked his theory but only went over the revision the night before so failed and has done nothing since. If I ask him when he's planning to take the test again he get cross and says hes doing everything else (he did re paint the kitchen as we are looking to move to a bigger place).
He doesn't think that we should get a joint mortgage when we move and that everything should stay in my name which seems odd.
I feel like I can't do anything right anymore and I'm so lonely. I don't want to tell my parents as my nan is on end of life care and they have enough to worry about and they live in the Midlands. Plus its probably not as bad as I'm thinking it is and its just my hormones. I'm hoping that the baby will cheer him up and he won't want to drink.
When he wakes up the morning after a fight hes so lovely and kind and sweet. He explains that we both get stressed and need to let off steam and that he loves me. I've let myself go and I am quite dull now that I'm so tired and not drinking so I get that it can't be an easy adjustment for him.
I've offered to leave and for us to go our separate ways but he just keeps saying 'You're being silly' over and over again.
Sorry for the rant.

He's abusive. I've been in your exact position and I'm sorry to say it will get worse once the baby is here. I can see he won't help you and if he's like this with you id be concerned with how he will treat a baby. Kick him out it's your house.

Abuse often begins at pregnancy, you are not overreacting, you need to leave.

Confide in your parents I know they have a lot on, but I bet they would be gutted if you continued a relationship with this pig because you felt you couldn’t lean on them.

You deserve much better

I was in a similar situation, my self esteem was so low that I thought it was okay for him to treat me so badly. The day he called me a c**t in front of our tiny new born was the End. I didn’t want to bring her up listening to that crap and I knew she deserved better. I now know that I deserve better too but it took a long time. Be brave, it is much easier to bring up a baby alone than in an environment that drags you down. We have a lovely life now (she’s 13) and we are happy. That’s what’s important. I wish you well.

hes stressed and they would just give him a nervous breakdown

He doesn’t seem to care that he’s giving you a nervous breakdown.

Follow the advice from soontobe60 and document his words and actions. Seriously. Start today. Make sure you have back ups of texts. You may need this evidence going forward.

I was in two minds whether to post this, but can I suggest that you ask Women's Aid, or post on the legal board on here, about changing the locks and chucking him out before you do that?

My house was in my sole name, and when my ex refused to move out, I went to see a solicitor about the best way to proceed. She said that because we were married, he had the right of occupation under the Matrimonial Homes Act and that the only way I could legally get him out of the property was by getting a court order excluding him because of his domestic violence.

At that time (about 8 years ago), the only physical abuse had been when he grabbed me by the wrist, and she did not feel that that was sufficient to get such an order.

I know that the law has changed since then and "coercive control" is now recognised as abuse, but I think it would be advisable to make sure that you can just change the locks. I'd hate you to be in a place where you did that and it turned out that you didn't have the right to do it. It could cause things to escalate.

I have been where you are now. I wish I had come on MN and asked the same question then. It does not get better, it escalates. Add to the mix a newborn, sleepless nights, feeding and it increases rapidly. He has shown you what he is like and how little regard he has for you and the baby. It will only get worse. Do not minimise this or try to take the blame.

If you can't get to a Freedom Programme, you can do it online. Sadly one of the tactics abusive men use to isolate you is get you pregnant. I had no idea of this until I did the programme. It is in "the jailer" profile. From what you have said, it sounds like he is already isolating you from friends and family and that is the last thing you need with a baby. He is gaining power and control over you by doing this and needs to be stopped sooner than later.

If you get this moved to the relationships section, you will probably get more specific support than on AIBU.

Please, please show him the door. It should be such a special exciting time and he should be treating you like his pregnant queen right now. Not abusing you in this way.

I wish I could be there to pack his crap and change the lock. This is abuse. You don't have to take this crap. It's your house, if he doesn't leave call the police. Have the phone recording next time he gets like this... I definitely wouldn't like to have a child with someone like him, how is he going to look after a newborn? Please be safe and look after your baby xx

Please listen to all the PPs. It will only get worse. Nevermind his potential nervous breakdown. Time to think about yourself and your child.

Oh charlotte, there are many, far too many, men just like him. Listen to everyone on here and take their advice. THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING. I'm sorry but it is. Seek legal advice to remove him from your home. Good luck.

Charlotte5267
Please keep reading the thread.
You need some real life help.
Women's Aid are underfunded and it can take a while to get through. They will help though.
Have you anyone you can confide in? Abusers often discourage close relationships with other people but it really seems like you need a helping hand.
This is all so difficult for you and I understand that getting a unanimous response that you are living with a man who is displaying clearly textbook abusive behaviour, must be shocking. He's your husband, you love him. Its hard to accept the reality.
But it is real. He is abusive. Not just a little bit. Not just for the moment while you're pregnant. Not because he's stressed.
Its because he is an abuser
It won't get better.
See what you can do to get someone to hold your hand.

Absolutely Rosa.

Charlotte do you have a good friend nearby that you could speak to?

My midwife asked me at an appointment if there was any signs of abuse happening since the pregnancy it is well known and happens a lot that men become abusive when their wife becomes pregnant.
Phone your midwife or the poilce and get him out your house x

My first husband started this when I was pregnant with my son, soon after the birth he started hitting then beating me. I had to go and live in a hostel.
His behaviour is raising all of the red flags and shoving them in your face.
For gods sake get him out, calling the police if necessary and get that divorce started.
He is jealous of the baby and it will degenerate from there, this is just the beginning.
For Gods sake never put his name on the mortgage it is your and your childs security.
Do you want to let your child see you abused?

If the property is in your name, throw his abusive arse out and change the locks. You would be well shot of him.

Speak o your family

Sorry.
Get real life help and support.
Get him out.

I read about 7/8 of your post before it became extremely clear that it's an abusive relationship. It might be easier to leave because it is so definite? It's not easy at this point but you will be ok and you owning the house is a massive plus. Wishing you the very best. Would you speak to someone in this way ever, never mind as the norm? You deserve so much more.

Please please please kick him out. Do NOT leave the home, it's yours and your child's home.

Also, think long and hard about the birth certificate and his rights to your child once born. I wouldn't normally say that but he sounds like such a nasty piece of work that I just wouldn't trust him to not do something terrible in future.

Charlotte 5267
Reading mumsnet 5 years ago helped me see the light.
By that time, though, my life and my mental health was ruined. However, I was rescued and escaped to a women's refuge.
10 years previously to that, if mumsnet had been available to me, then that would never have happened. I would have been spared.
You are heading down the same path.
Its not your fault.
You did not cause this.
You can't change him.
It will get worse.
You have a chance now to take a decision you won't regret.
Promise.
(Because despite it all I have rebuilt and am strong again now)

He's a scary horrible selfish bastard. It is definitely abuse, physical and emotional. Go and stay with your parents. Do it tomorrow. Then contact a solicitor about divorcing him and evicting him. He is a waste of space and a hateful evil cunt. The things he's saying to you would be INEXCUSABLE in any situation; saying them to the vulnerable pregnant mother-yo-be of his child shows exactly what kind of man he is.

For perspective, just imagine telling someone who loves you about your last row. Imagine their expression, changing from sympathy to horror to fury. Realise there is no-one in this world besides him who would try to tell you this behaviour is ok.

Please be brave for your baby xxx

Please check my posting history and you will see I have never said to anyone LTB.

PLEASE PLEASE LEAVE.

I also live in London, originally from the Midlands (all of my family) are still there, so I completely understand how you feel alone. Please contact Women's Aid and get advice on how to kick him out safely.

He will never be the partner you deserve.

I truly believe children can be the making of you, you can do this. I left my ex when my DD was under 1- she gave me the strength to leave, train in a new career and make my life successful - I truly believe without her I wouldn't have done half of what I have.

Oh bless you

Sending (((hugs))) and the strength to kick him out

Sweetheart... you need to make him leave. It will not get better.

I am 16 months out of an EA relationship. I have spent the last 2 months in therapy trying to pick apart the shitty mess he's made of me and the ingrained belief that I am useless, lazy and not good enough for anyone, because thats all he ever told me... and something I still believe with every fibre of my being despite all the evidence to the contrary.. even when its written in black and white in front of me.

Dont be me... dont let him get inside your head.

This isn't your hormones, or your fault.. its him, its ALL HIM and you need to protect you.

Please, please... get yourself safe. Tell your family, call the Police, Tell the midwife.. shout it from the goddam rooftops.

You deserve better.

I didn’t need to read all of your post before coming to the conclusion that he is abusive yes. Please find out who in your area offers domestic abuse support. They will assign you an IDVA (Independent Domestic Violence Advocate) who will help you whether you stay or leave. I obviously strongly suggest you leave or make him leave. Also speak to your midwife or health visitor, they are used to these disclosures unfortunately so will be able to help.