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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this emotional abuse or am I over reacting

197 replies

Charlotte5267 · 10/01/2019 13:54

I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant and living with my DH.
Before I was pregnant we both used to drink rather too much (I'd get through 2 large glasses of wine a night easily some of the time even more). Obviously I stopped as soon as I found out I was pregnant and I know that this level of drinking was by no means ok.
We've been married for four years and have rowed on on off but since I have become pregnant my DH has totally changed.
He disagrees with everything I say/ suggest and tells me how wrong I am.
He won't have sex with me anymore.
He's still going out drinking and lies about where he has been and how much he has had.

If I try and argue he just walks away muttering how stupid I am under his breath and laughing.
We've had a few of blazing rows recently and they have always started the same way. I come home and find him drunk which he denies. Last night I confronted him and stupidly provoked him by saying I was worried about leaving a child alone with him if he's going to drink this much. He followed me into the bedroom and threw the TV remote at me and started on the usual arguments all screamed in my face -
My family are horrible and money obsessed (They are not and have always supported him and taken him on big holidays)
I'm horrible to his mother and she is a kind person. He then switched to calling both me and his mother c**ts.
None of our friends like me and they have all complained to him about how horrible I am.
I'm weak and pathetic like my mother.
Our son is going to end up mad like me. (I'm not mad but I have been crying at the slightest thing since about 10 weeks)
I will never cope with having this baby.
I treat him like a lodger (I own the property and he contributes towards bills etc)
All the things I'm interested in/ projects I'm working on get referred to as shitty and crappy.
I'm lazy.
My job is crap and I'm crap at it.
All the time he is yelling in my face and I can't get a word in. I try and get to the front door but he blocks the way saying that I'm making him out to be a monster.
I packed a bag last night and begged him to let me out but he just got even more upset and said I was being stupid and weak.
We've had about 6 of these big rows since I found out I was pregnant (we had planned to have a baby) and everything I end up hysterical and terrified and I'm worried it will hurt the baby.
I don't have any friends anymore as I don't see anyone. I'm always worried I will say the wrong thing to people. Most of my friends are his friends too.
Hes constantly on his phone and carries it everywhere with him and gets aggressive if I ask what he's doing on it.
It was our wedding anniversary the day of his works Christmas lunch. He promised he would come home straight after. We had agreed to stay in as I'm always so tired which I appreciate can be very dull for him. Last year we went to Rules for a beautiful £200 meal that I treated us to. This year he came back an hour later than he said he would be. He was drunk and stinking of fags. I went to lie down and he followed me into the bedroom and passed out next to me. He woke up long enough to eat the pizza I'd ordered and then passed out again. When hes been drinking he takes up lots of space in the bed and I worry about him kneeing me in the bump so I sleep on the very edge of the bed.
He was supposed to learn to drive (we live in London so have never needed to) before the baby arrived. He booked his theory but only went over the revision the night before so failed and has done nothing since. If I ask him when he's planning to take the test again he get cross and says hes doing everything else (he did re paint the kitchen as we are looking to move to a bigger place).
He doesn't think that we should get a joint mortgage when we move and that everything should stay in my name which seems odd.
I feel like I can't do anything right anymore and I'm so lonely. I don't want to tell my parents as my nan is on end of life care and they have enough to worry about and they live in the Midlands. Plus its probably not as bad as I'm thinking it is and its just my hormones. I'm hoping that the baby will cheer him up and he won't want to drink.
When he wakes up the morning after a fight hes so lovely and kind and sweet. He explains that we both get stressed and need to let off steam and that he loves me. I've let myself go and I am quite dull now that I'm so tired and not drinking so I get that it can't be an easy adjustment for him.
I've offered to leave and for us to go our separate ways but he just keeps saying 'You're being silly' over and over again.
Sorry for the rant.

OP posts:
Chickychoccyegg · 10/01/2019 14:28

Chuck him out, change the locks, will get loads worse when you add a crying baby who wakes during the night to the mix, he sounds horrible and is being abusive x

emmylousings · 10/01/2019 14:29

Complete abuse, please get rid of him ASAP, as he will become more dangerous the longer it goes on. I was in a similar situation and my only regret is that I didn't end relationship sooner. It will just get worse once baby arrives as he will be jealous of it - sad but true. The advice to contact Women's Aid is spot on. Please tell any family and friends what is happening - it will help you and make you safer.

userschmoozer · 10/01/2019 14:30

How bad does it have to get before you accept its bad enough to leave?

Bibijayne · 10/01/2019 14:30

As PPs have said. Also tell your parents. I bet you they'd rather know you need help than not.

Darkstar4855 · 10/01/2019 14:30

This is definitely emotional abuse and him physically stopping you leaving the house is a major, major red flag. He’s being nice to you the morning after to stop you from leaving, not because he’s a good man. A good man would never treat you like that in the first place.

I suspect he’s finding the pregnancy hard because it’s not all about him any more and he doesn’t have your undivided attention. This is not going to get any better when the baby is born - in all likelihood it will probably get worse.

Please talk to your family. I’m sure if they love you they would not want you to be suffering alone like this, regardless of what else is going on. Then get out (or rather throw him out as it’s your house). Change the locks and leave his stuff on the doorstep if necessary. But please, please don’t put up with this any longer. You and your child deserve better.

ChariotsofFish · 10/01/2019 14:32

You know you need to throw him out. He’s abusive. Get him out before your baby arrives.

BaconMaker · 10/01/2019 14:33

Bloody hell, please get him out ASAP. There is no way I would even want him in my child's home let alone in charge of my child.

The question isn't whether or not he leaves it's how you can get him out quickly and safely.

Greenglassteacup · 10/01/2019 14:35

Don’t become a statistic, don’t expose your child to this.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 10/01/2019 14:36

Time to call Women’s Aid. I shit you not.

This behaviour has escalated since you got pg and sounds like it’s continuing to escalate.

Lemme tell you something; it is true that pregnancy puts strain on a relationship but any decent man would be protecting his partner from fear and anger and stress, not literally rubbing it in her face.

Sethis · 10/01/2019 14:37

If he's like this now, what do you think he'll be like when you add "sleep deprived" and "with a million more things to stress about" on top?

Do you really think that will make his behaviour better? Or worse?

Jackshouse · 10/01/2019 14:39

Pregnancy is a common time for abuse to start or esculate. It has crossed from emotional to physical abuse. This will get worse.

Please talk to your midwife about it.

SpinneyHill · 10/01/2019 14:40

OP you have already tried to leave and he wouldn't let you, he terrifies you, he screams abuse in your face, what part of this is sounding like a safe loving calm environment to bring a newborn baby home to?.
Please tell your parents what is happening because you need support to get him out and recover from this. It will be so much harder with a baby

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 10/01/2019 14:41

Everyone has arguments. Everyone needs to let off steam sometimes. This is way way beyond those two things. In a normal relationship you don't scream and shout and act aggressively. You don't call each other names. You don't criticise every single thing about somebody. You don't try and make someone feel like shit about every part of their lives no matter how annoyed you are at them. Alcohol and stress are not excuses for acting like this. People get drunk and don't act like this. I bet when he is drunk and needs to let off steam he manages not to speak to his friends like this.

Sorry to be blunt but you are right to be worried. And I'm sorry to say this will NOT get better when the baby comes - sleep dépravation and adjusting to parenthood and worry about screaming babies and loss of freedom mean for most people having a baby is a massive strain on even the strongest relationships. You need to sort this out now while you still have the energy and time.

Please either ask him to leave or give him a last chance to acknowledge his behaviour and change it with professional help. Can you imagine the damage it would do to a child to witness this and think it is normal?

StarrySky7 · 10/01/2019 14:43

OP, you need to leave right now. He is both verbally and emotionally abusive and manipulative. He is also physically abusive and threatening: throwing the remote and blocking you in. If you were to stay with him, things will not get better. Babies are hard work and this environment is not safe for a baby. It's only a matter of time before he hurts you badly.

You need to confide in your parents right now and leave. Either ask him to leave or go and stay with your parents or a friend. Your nan might be very ill but you cannot stay in a unsafe situation.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 10/01/2019 14:43

And not drinking when you're pregnant isn't boring. It does feel like that but he should be supportive not resentful. I know some of my friends partners have given up booze in support of them

BollocksToBrexit · 10/01/2019 14:44

He's abusive and it will only get worse from here. I've been there. The nasty words, the threats, the fear. Then the sorry the next day. Until the next time.

The only way you can stop this is to end the relationship.

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 10/01/2019 14:45

Jesus Christ ,
Yes that is abusive .

TragicallyUnbeyachted · 10/01/2019 14:45

This is definitely abusive behaviour and it is very unlikely to improve once your baby arrives.

You can talk to your midwife about this if you are concerned about talking to your parents; it is very common for abuse to start during pregnancy and they ought to have had appropriate training. But really, talk to your parents. They love you and would hate to think that you are keeping something major like this from them. It's also worth consulting a solicitor now to get an idea of how you will be positioned in regard to the house and any other assets (the house may be in your name but your husband could have a claim over part of it in the event of a divorce).

rainbowsss · 10/01/2019 14:45

He sounds awful and it will only get worse when the baby is here. I'd be changing the locks and packing his stuff next time he left

Topseyt · 10/01/2019 14:47

He's an utter shit. Dump him. Your baby won't be safe in the same house as him. Nor are you.

Get your family onside, get help and kick him out. Call the police if he turns violent and refuses to go. He doesn't want a joint mortgage and everything is to be in your name, so that may give you enough leverage.

Take advice from Women's Aid on how to do it all as safely as possible.

delboysskinandblister · 10/01/2019 14:47

emotionally abusive, coercive controlling, assault, gaslighting

Are you happy? There's your answer

Dontcarewhatimdoing · 10/01/2019 14:47

You are under reacting. I'm not surprised you drank too much before, it was probably that, or face what kind of man you are married to. I hope you have the strength to kick him out before your baby arrives. This is only going to get worse.

MargoLovebutter · 10/01/2019 14:49

OMG, why would you want to stay with him? He sounds horrible.

You are pregnant with his baby and he has no respect for that, shows no care or consideration for you. He is drunk, inconsiderate, lazy and abusive.

Please tell him to move out asap. Get a family member or a friend to come over and be with you when you do it and make sure you change the locks on the doors.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/01/2019 14:49

If that is your property, I would chuck him right out, you will be fine without him. He is a nasty and abusive man.