To feel sad for the guy in the paternity fraud case

[moanymoaner]

Was watching it on GMB this morning and he was teary , I feel sad for him . I can't imagine finding out when the kids were older that they weren't yours! I get that the boys are standing with their mum but surely they must be feeling cross with her lies :( all such a mess for them :(

In this case, though, he had parented the innocent third parties for many years.

Tbh the amount he likely spent on this case and his personal worth and assets probably mean the £250k was only worth pursuing to make a point and not for financial redress.

BUT it's the going to the press that people are arguing against.

The type that lies about paternity well no.
Anyone that actually loves someone, especially loving and nurturing DC, yes, anger, resentment, destroyed trust and relationship with DM, but to do this to DC only shows doesn't give a shit about them.

You just couldn't do that to DC that you love.

Doyoumind

Did you or did you not say that he should be grateful?

that is minimising what she has done

It’s just MN is this weird corner of the earth where women can do no wrong.

Ha! Busted. You really don't know Mumsnet very well if that's what you think.

Exactly Smother. If you can stop caring for people you've been a parent to for 20 years because you find out you aren't related by blood and take a course of action you know will do them harm you have a strange moral compass. As a mother I can't comprehend it.

Boneyback I meant grateful for those relationships and memories, not to her for lying to him. He should treasure and maintain those relationships rather than saying 'Well, they weren't mine after all. I don't give a shit about their feelings. I want to get my own back on their mum'.

As I said previously on the thread, I am grateful every day I have my DC.

The type that lies about paternitywell no.
Anyone that actually loves someone, especially loving and nurturing DC, yes, anger, resentment, destroyed trust and relationship with DM, but to do this to DC only shows doesn't give a shit about them.

Like she didn't give a shit about them?

No actually, it doesn't mean you don't care. It means you aren't going to sit back while she continued to fuck you over.

What exactly has he done to these adults? Why is that they would embarrassed?

Because their mum is liar? Because their mum shagged about and then lied to line her own pockets?

It's her that has embarssed them. Not him coming forward.

I can not think of any other situation where a victim of crime would be expected to keep quiet, accept they have been defrauded in case it hurts another parties feelings.

The person that caused this, the embarrassment, the humiliation is her. Not him.

Had she have cooperates and been honest this may never have happened.

All the while there is another woman out there with no clue that her husband is the cunt that fathered the kids.

I think it's quite feasible a victim of crime wouldn't sell their story to the press and appear on TV in order to save their loved ones from harm. I'm sure it happens frequently. Most victims of crime don't do this. Or do they?

Doyoumind

He should treasure and maintain those relationships rather than saying 'Well, they weren't mine after all. I don't give a shit about their feelings. I want to get my own back on their mum'.

find where he has said this. Even a paraphrase of it.

He has said that he wanted to maintain a relationship[ with the boys, they and the mother have shut him (possibly with the exception of one twin)

And you and others are painting him as the bad guy.

23 years have been taken from him.
His children have effectively been taken form him.
His memories have been soured

And you think that he should be grateful!

this should be on her.

Most victims of crime don't do this. Or do they?

The ones that want answer and keep being lied to. Plenty do actually.

Do they though when it causes harm to their loved ones?

Boney I understand the boys said if he pursued it, it would be against their wishes and they would sever contact. He chose to pursue it. He can now say he wants a relationship with them but he was aware the actions he took would damage the relationship.

And I have never said she isn't to blame! 🙄

I found the bit where he said he wanted to find out who the father is so when the children came to him he could tell them a bit off.

I have no doubt that the children know who their biological father is.

Whilst what has been done to him is not good I just get an odd feeling that it isn’t as cut and dried as what First appears

Doyoumind
And I have never said she isn't to blame! 🙄

And yet you are happy to see her walk away with no blame, no sanction, no cost to her at all.

She even gets to keep the 4 million that she won in the divorce to a man that she cheated on, lied to and despised for 20 + years and he is supposed to suck it up.

As I said previously my dad was the child in a similar situation. When he found out the truth, as a 50 year old man, his feelings about his mum and step dad changed immediately. All of the happy memories were wiped out by this one enormous deceit that eradicated all of the good things that they must have done for him over the years. So yes, I can see how this man's need to discover the truth can affect his feelings about the 20 years.

Many women post on this site about discovering their partner's affair and how more than anything they need answers. They want to know who the OW is, how long it's been going on for etc. Why is this man any different? I guess he needs answers to try and make sense of this situation. How does he know that the affair isn't ongoing or that the OM isn't a relation or close friend? His ex wife owes him the truth. He deserves to know the truth of the past 20 years.

When did I say I was happy for her to walk away with no blame, no sanction, no cost? I didn't ever. The boys didn't want him to take legal action. That's what matters. That's their decision not mine.

I believe he was wrong to go to the press and that's what I've argued.

She would have received a large pay out even if there had been no children.

Do they though when it causes harm to their loved ones?

Depends on what harm....again what harm is it?

Oh yes....that they grew up being lied to.

The boys may well not have wanted him to take legal action but his needs are also important. I'm sure a young child might express their desire for their parents not to get divorced and yet ultimately the parents will make the decision based on what they deem to be best, not just what the child wants.

Doyoumind

You have said that he was wrong to pursue this through the courts, that he was wrong to go to the press, that he was wrong to go against the wishes of "his children".

If you think that she should have some sort of sanction what do you believe that he could have done differently? because everything you say basically says that whatever he does (except leave it alone) is wrong.

Divorce settlements are clearly set out, regardless of lies told during a 20 yr relationship, even horrific ones like this. I don't understand that argument.

She even gets to keep the 4 million that she won in the divorce to a man that she cheated on, lied to and despised for 20 + years and he is supposed to suck it up

That is what happens in a divorce.

The courts aren’t interested if someone had beaten the spouse with an iron bar or had 51 gf/bfs or kept the spouse locked in the house for 15 years. The starting point is 50/50 regardless

But the divorce settlement may have included child maintenance. And what about the cost of raising 3 children? Is it right that this man has had to pay to raise other people's children without his knowledge?

Yes, she would have got a divorce settlement regardless of her infidelity but the rest?

Why do you "have no doubt" the children know who the bio father is oliver ? theres not been any mention of this at all as far as I know so an assertion of absence of doubt seems fairly far fetched