To feel sad for the guy in the paternity fraud case

[moanymoaner]

Was watching it on GMB this morning and he was teary , I feel sad for him . I can't imagine finding out when the kids were older that they weren't yours! I get that the boys are standing with their mum but surely they must be feeling cross with her lies :( all such a mess for them :(

I'm not trying to justify her actions. Where have I tried to do that? I'm arguing against his actions in publicising this and pushing his 'sons' further away.

The DC he parented for many years didn’t lie to him.

Well if that is how he feels that's very sad for those young men, Weetabix, that their childhood memories count for nothing for the man they saw as their father.

When you said we don't know what their relationship was like or what her side of the story was.

Why does any of that matter?

Say it was a terrible marriage. Does that make it ok?

Nothing that I could know about her would change my opinion about what she's done.

Regarding his actions in a negative light don’t equate to “supporting” his ex wife. I abhor her actions, and have sympathy with him, but have negative views about his actions, because of the interests of the adult DC.

it’s indefensible to drag his kids into the media.

They're not his kids. They are adults with whom he has no familial relationship.

Time and time again, people keep talking about his kids, his sons, his DCs, and the attitude seems to underpin all the apologists' posts. They're not his fucking kids. That's the point of the whole fucking thing.

give me strength.

Exactly, Loopy.

The DC he parented for many years didn’t lie to him.

No they didn't. But their relationship was a lie. Any memory would for me be tainted by the reality. That the very basis was false.

I've seen this from the child's perspective. A man in his 80s now still living with the reality that his identity is a lie.

No matter that his step dad parented him. He isn't who he thought he was. These lies devastate people.

They aren't his kids but they thought they were for 20 years FFS. Is it morally justifiable to cause pain to someone you've had a close relationship with for 20 years simply because you aren't related by blood? They have done nothing wrong in this but have been put in a situation by one parent that has been exacerbated by another person they thought was a parent.

But what's your point Weetabix? We're all saying it wasn't fair on those young men.

It's gone public partly due to the mother refusing to acknowledge her actions and come to a settlement on finances. Yes he chose to pursue court but I imagine that would have been borne out of frustration that she was not acknowledging the harm she had done to him.

Loopytiles

Again, what should he have done? Just turned the other cheek? Shrugged it off? What? How does he heal the hurt done to him?

He is a victim. Do you blame victims of other crimes for their reactions? What about children of criminals - should those criminals not be named because of the upset that might be caused to their families?

My point is what myrtleWilson says.

The boys are a victim. The man is a victim.

I won't judge any of them for how they react to this. Emotions aren't rational.

The person(s) responsible for the hurt caused to those boys are the people who instigated the deception.

Let's put it this way. Personally, if there was a story about me that the press got their hands on that could hurt someone I hated but also people I cared for I would put out a statement. I wouldn't give a press interview saying I'm going to write a book or go on GMB to tell my story.

Seeking financial redress doesn’t necessarily “heal hurt”.

He put a desire for financial redress, and perhaps for his ex to be punished, above the interests of third parties who had done nothing wrong.

I've read the entire thread. I know what my opinion is. I'm interested to know though how many mothers of sons on the thread would be ok with finding any of their sons in the same situation? I realise that no one can know how they would really react if it actually happened IRL, but how do you think you'd react?

For myself, I think this woman is utterly in the wrong from every single direction you care to observe the situation from, and that what she has done is indefensible. She had multiple opportunites to put everyone straight yet she denied denied denied, even when her sons were accusing the man who helped bring them up of being a liar and a schemer. This man was not given a choice, except to roll over and say 'it is what it is', at any stage in this saga, even down to keeping the story out of the papers. Perhaps, if it had been me, I may have issued a statement reiterating the facts through a Solicitor, but I doubt if the DM would've left it at that.

Personally, if there was a story about me that the press got their hands on that could hurt someone I hated but also people I cared for I would put out a statement. I wouldn't give a press interview saying I'm going to write a book or go on GMB to tell my story.

You think. You don't know until you are I that situation. No one does.

And if you are looking for justice? Not just revenge? If a you are a victim of crime?

Quite, Scuba.

It's been really instructive for me to see that people will defend - vehemently - the woman over the man even in these circumstances.

I'd be devastated. BUT I know would still love the children, I would have spent twenty years loving them, it wouldn't just disappear. I would strenuously discourage my son from Going Public in a way that would humiliate and hurt them.

carol why is your focus on the behaviour of the man (which is not perfect, I'll grant you, though who knows what we'd do in his shoes) rather than the fucking appalling behaviour of the woman?

Genuine question. I look forward to your answer.

I wouldstrenuouslydiscourage my son from Going Public in a way that would humiliate and hurt them.

What reason do they have to hurt and humiliated?

I really do know Boysandbuses. If it was going to drag innocent people I cared deeply about into it I wouldn't do that. That's just the way I am.

Justice is a separate issue from the publicity. Justice isn't secured by talking to the press after legal proceedings have ended. In some circumstances it might lead to further investigations or legal action but it won't in this case. It's a civil not a criminal matter.

Doyoumind but you don't.

Unless someone you have had a deep relationship screws you over and defrauded you for hundreds of thousands of pounds plus, then no one is interested in bringing you justice....You don't know.

People act in ways they never would have expected when they suffer a deep emotional shock.

He settled with her. What other justice do you think he wants?

Justice isn't secured by talking to the press after legal proceedings have ended. In some circumstances it might lead to further investigations or legal action but it won't in this case. It's a civil not a criminal matter.

Actually there are countless times someone has only got justice because they have gone to the press.

Fraud should never be a civil matter. Making theft legal, as long as you are in a relationship......isn't ok. Sometimes people need justice.