To feel sad for the guy in the paternity fraud case

[moanymoaner]

Was watching it on GMB this morning and he was teary , I feel sad for him . I can't imagine finding out when the kids were older that they weren't yours! I get that the boys are standing with their mum but surely they must be feeling cross with her lies :( all such a mess for them :(

Wasn't the sum returned to him meant to represent his contribution as child maintenance since his separation and divorce?

It wasn’t meant to represent anything. It sounds like it’s just what he offered and she accepted. If it had gone to court it would have been awarded as per x is for maintenance, y is for the divorce settlement. But it didn’t go that far so hasn’t been split that way.

Maybe that was part of the plan, smoke him out via the press. Who for sure will be trying to find out....

Well this is the interesting thing. Apparently the settlement was made on the condition that she did not have to name the father and she stipulated that. There have been rumblings that he wouldn’t leave his wife, etc. I find it really difficult to believe that a woman who was prepared to carry out a deception for this length of time would suddenly come over all loyal and moral.

The other possibility is that she used donor sperm. Given the kids look so much like the conned ‘father’, I have a really, really strong feeling that was the case. You can choose donors who have attributes which fit with those of the father who will be bringing them up. That would also explain the absolute horror and refusal of her and her sons to the idea of finding the real Dad. If it was an affair it’s one thing. If she lied whilst seeking fertility treatment she could have a can of worms including commiting criminal offences because consent would be required by both prospective parents for treatment to go ahead. What the son said about ‘Being in an unhappy marriage and wanting children’ sounds much more like seeking donor sperm than failed contraception during an affair.

You really seem to have a vested interest here Bejam.

Do we know what his goal is with taking all this public? Is it some business idea for DNA testing babies? Does he want a book deal? His son subtly hinted that this might have some kind of business plan attached.

Presumably he won't be able to get any more money from his ex wife by doing all this, and it won't endear the children to him (yes, not their Dad, but he does say he wants to be in their lives still). So what is his goal?

He has already said he's writing a book.

The other possibility is that she used donor sperm. Given the kids look so much like the conned ‘father’, I have a really, really strong feeling that was the case.

They don't look much like him though. They don't have the same facial features at all, which is normal because kids are a mix of both, but I don't see a resemblance really.

And why would she use a sperm donor? She admitted to having a long term affair and he seems to suspect a particular man. If they couldn't have kids you'd explore it together,, not use fertility services secretly!

Well this is the interesting thing. Apparently the settlement was made on the condition that she did not have to name the father and she stipulated that. There have been rumblings that he wouldn’t leave his wife, etc. I find it really difficult to believe that a woman who was prepared to carry out a deception for this length of time would suddenly come over all loyal and moral.

Perhaps she lied to him too, assured him there was no chance he was the father of her children. She might have been trying to keep it from him still. Another consequence of going public is that if the OM didn't know the truth before, he surely does now. He might be asking for DNA tests now.

Bejam, that’s an interesting theory.

Sorry -

Bejam, that’s an interesting theory but if they didn’t know he was infertile why would she have needed donor sperm.

I feel sorry for what his ex did to him but his reaction to it must be devastating to his son's

FFS THEY ARE NOT HIS FUCKING SONS. They are adults to whom he has no familial connection.

OK then. Upcoming book. I knew there would be something.

The woman did something terrible, no doubt. I wouldn't defend her. However there is a bright side to this if he chooses to see it. He has three sons. they didn't disappear, they are still there, the same boys he helped raise from birth. One of them still keeps in touch, another has said he still considers him his Dad. Presumably he loves them still. Rather than continue going after his ex wife and the mystery father, it might be a better use of his time to try to work on rebuilding his relationships with his sons.

FFS THEY ARE NOT HIS FUCKING SONS. They are adults to whom he has no familial connection.

You sound very emotionally invested... I would ask if you were the man in question, but even he wasn't disowning his sons.

It takes more than ejaculating into a vagina to be a father. He was their father, and there's no reason he couldn't continue to be.

He was their father, and there's no reason he couldn't continue to be.

Maybe the children don't want to maintain contact? Maybe the man finds it just too painful - a constant reminder of what should have been but wasn't? None of us can imagine how he feels. Just as there is no "right" way to grieve I can't see that there is a right way to feel after something like this.

It takes more than ejaculating into a vagina to be a father

But apart from sperm donation and adoption - both of which involve consent - it's a bare minimum, no?

There are a lot of people who take on step children and love them as their own. Are they not being parents? I know they do this aware they aren't related by blood but my point is about the role of a parent and not the biology. Many people see their step parents as parents because of their role in their upbringing.

Doyoumind

That's entirely different in my view. The step parent knows and consents to that.

Would you advocate that the children not be told the truth? So is it ok for them to grow up believing that the step parent is their biological parent?

I don't think anyone would defend a man who had somehow tricked a woman in such an intimate way would they?

"There are a lot of people who take on step children and love them as their own"

Yes - they make a choice to be step-parents.

A choice. Big difference to what this poor bloke has had to deal with.

My nan did this to my dad. He always believed that the man who raised him was his biological dad. After she died he discovered that his father was another man. His siblings (half siblings) had always known but their mum had sworn them to secrecy. My dad tried to find his real dad but sadly he had died a couple of years before. He had other children but my dad felt that he couldn't be the one to approach them. My dad is in his 80s now. This still affects him. It is an evil thing to do.

Yet again on this thread people take comments and misinterpret.

People are saying he's not a parent because he's not related to them. My point, which I've started several times, is that he acted as a parent to them for the best part of 20 years but then decided to expose them to media attention and additional pain instead of continuing that parenting relationship.

That is not to excuse the mother. I haven't said what she did was right or fair for anyone.

Step-parents are step-parents. It's absolutely possible for them to form a bond with kids akin to that between parent and child. But as matter of literal fact, they'll never be the child's actual mum or dad.

Also what weetabix said about consent.

My point, which I've started several times, is that he acted as a parent to them for the best part of 20 years but then decided to expose them to media attention and additional pain instead of continuing that parenting relationship.

What is his moral or legal obligation to these adults who aren't his kids? Spell it out for me.

Just say that the truth had come to light earlier and that the biological father had surfaced and tried to assert rights. Where would this man have stood legally? Would he have been classed as the father in the eyes of the law or could the biological father have removed the children from his care?

His moral obligation is that he was the father to them for the best part of 20 years but decided to abandon that in favour of punishing his ex and leaving them without a father figure they could trust. The role of a parent is to shield children from damage and pain - whether they be literal children or adult children.

And please don't talk about the pain caused by the mother and her moral obligations. I am aware of these but I am only talking about this man and not her crimes, which are not excusable.

Weetabix I would say it would have depended at what point he reappeared but that in all likelihood the boys would have remained legally non-dad's children, if that's what he wanted, but that the bio dad would have been granted contact. The decision would have been made based upon what was best for the children. If non-dad had rejected the children the bio dad would possibly have become responsible for them.

This man has been abused for 20 years. He's had 20 years of his life stolen from him. You can never get that back. Never.

Funnily enough when this happens to people they do tend to get angry. Under the circumstances I think he's acted in a very restrained manner.

There is only ONE person to blame for what has happened here. ONE.