Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Suicidal DH

148 replies

Horseneigh79 · 09/01/2019 23:25

He won’t get help. Refuses to acknowledge he’s depressed but every few months he explodes and says he can’t take it anymore and tries to leave so he can kill himself. I have to physically restrain him from going out the door as I know he’ll do something stupid if I let him go.

Latest episode was this evening. He exploded and tried to leave but I managed to keep him here and calm him down. I know he has suicidal thoughts but I don’t know how to help him. I’ve phoned the Samaritans previously and they advised me to keep his spirits up by planning fun activities for the weekends Hmm

I don’t know what to do. I have small DC and low moods myself, and the only thing forcing me to keep my shit together is the DC. I don’t know how long I can go on like this. I’m tired of tip toeing around him because I don’t want to upset him again, but I also don’t want my DC growing up without a dad. What do I do?

OP posts:
Flyingfish2019 · 09/01/2019 23:27

Dies he have a friend who could talk some sense into him, a brother, father, military brother, whoever.

There are support groups for people with depression... maybe they can help...

[flower]

Original poster
Horseneigh79 · 09/01/2019 23:29

No he’s not close with anyone and he’s very reserved and not the type to talk about his emotions with anyone

OP posts:
cheesywotnots · 09/01/2019 23:29

How hard, will he not see his g.p. if he explodes and leaves could you call the police who could look for him.

Tessliketrees · 09/01/2019 23:29

Threatening suicide and putting it all on your head is a way for somebody to exert control over you. How is your relationship otherwise? What is he "blowing up" over?

Your whole post sets a massive siren off in my head and not for him.

Lovingbenidorm · 09/01/2019 23:29

Have you discussed this with your GP?
I would have thought that if he’s a danger to himself the MHA would cover this sort of situation.

userschmoozer · 09/01/2019 23:29

Go see your GP and get some support, its impossible for one person to keep a suicidal person safe. Is he having panic attacks? Meds would help if he is.

Flyingfish2019 · 09/01/2019 23:30

I think he should talk to his gp who can give him medication. I may be wrong but I think they do this without therapy as an requirement and it may be easier for him.
I am not in the UK however but I think here they do.

Original poster
Horseneigh79 · 09/01/2019 23:33

He won’t see his GP. When he did this 6 months ago I asked my GP what to do and she said his moods aren’t my responsibility and he’s selfish for doing this to me (which I agree with but that advice doesn’t help me when the man I love is suffering with his mental health).

I wanted to let him go tonight, but I’m scared in case he does actually do something stupid. I don’t think it’s an empty threat. I couldn’t live with myself.

OP posts:
Theunsungsong · 09/01/2019 23:33

Have you had a look at the calm (campaign against living miserably) website? The information there is targeted towards men.

Outnotdown · 09/01/2019 23:33

That's horrible for you op. I would have a very frank conversation with him, and say that you love him, and the children love him, and he must speak to someone for your sakes.

Tell him you cannot cope anymore, and that your children need him to get help. Insist that he go to a doctor as a first step.

And talk to someone yourself, that's too much to carry on your own.

FlowersCake

Flyingfish2019 · 09/01/2019 23:34

Why doesn’t he want to talk to the gp?

HollowTalk · 09/01/2019 23:34

It sounds as though he's threatening suicide as a punishment for you. I would go to speak to your GP and ask what can be done.

Tessliketrees · 09/01/2019 23:35

@Horseneigh79 what does he say afterwards? Has he ever harmed himself before? What triggers him to behave like that? You say he "explodes" is he aggressive?

HollowTalk · 09/01/2019 23:35

Sorry, I hadn't seen your update about the GP.

I think all you can do is tell him (when he's calm) that if he doesn't go to the doctor, you will leave him. You can't live with that threat over you all the time.

Slightlyjaded · 09/01/2019 23:35

I agree with @Tessliketrees I'm afraid.

You are treading on eggshells so he doesn't explode - why 'explode'?
If he really wanted to harm himself, he wouldn't announce it in front of you - he'd go and do it - away from you.

You are trying to parent alone and manage your DH because he is depressed. And he may well he but he has a responsibility to seek help.

I am not trying to scoff at or downplay depression, I am coming from a place of far more insight than I'd like to have on depression but also the subtle ways in which coercive control can be exerted. I am sorry to put new worries into your head.

HollowTalk · 09/01/2019 23:36

What kind of situation will kick him off and make him make threats?

Flyingfish2019 · 09/01/2019 23:39

I am not sure if you are right @Slightlyjaded. I think there are a lot of people who feel suicidal and talk about it instead of “just doing it“. My dh for example because he actually does not want to do it but sometimes feels so low and he talks about it to have a shoulder to cry on I guess and I am happy he does.

MitziK · 09/01/2019 23:40

Next time, don't try and stop him going.

The shock might make him stop. If not, just phone the police, giving the car registration and that he's said he's gone out to kill himself/how he reckons he's going to do it. Being stopped by them might well shake him into reality or reveal him to be a two faced controlling bastard (the latter if he's angry about it later, but is all sweetness and light with them). And if he is genuinely suicidal, they will be stopping him before he drives into a motorway bridge or off X Cliff or drives having taken an overdose (the most common threats people use to get their own way and the most likely to take innocent roadusers with him).

Personally, I agree with your GP, though - and have nothing but contempt for people who do this to terrify their partners into surrender.

Outnotdown · 09/01/2019 23:42

Sorry cross posted. You have to tell him that this situation can't continue, he has to so something to help himself or you cannot keep helping him. It's emotional blackmail.

Also I think attending counselling together might be useful, you could offer this, it may get make it easier for him to get started

Original poster
Horseneigh79 · 09/01/2019 23:42

@theunsungsong thanks, I’m waiting on the Calm webchat now to speak with someone

He doesn’t speak about his emotions and bottles things up, so I use the term “explodes” as everything just comes out at once. He suffered an incredibly traumatic event 2 years ago which he wouldn’t seek help for and this is really the cause of the problem. He wasn’t like this before the event so I know he’s not an aggressive or manipulative person, the trauma has just changed him.

OP posts:
giftsonthebrain · 09/01/2019 23:43

You need to end the cycle and not stop him. You are not responsible for his controlling behaviour.

Tessliketrees · 09/01/2019 23:43

My dh for example because he actually does not want to do it but sometimes feels so low and he talks about it to have a shoulder to cry on I guess and I am happy he does

Do you feel you have to significantly change your behaviour to stop your DH harming himself? If not then it's not the same thing at all.

userschmoozer · 09/01/2019 23:44

@Horseneigh79 Your GP is right, this is not your responsibility, you cant keep him safe. Please read what everyone is saying.
Next time, let him go out and call the police.

Flyingfish2019 · 09/01/2019 23:45

Maybe he has ptsd, feeling suicidal can be a sign of ptsd. May I ask you for the cause of his trauma, there is much help for the various kinds of ptsd. Would you like the addresses if ptsd boards?

Wasywasydoodah · 09/01/2019 23:47

Sounds like PTSD which is treatable and extremely well recognised as a disorder- there’s less stigma for this than other mental health issues as the cause is so easily pinpointed. Would acknowledging this help him?