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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Suicidal DH

148 replies

Horseneigh79 · 09/01/2019 23:25

He won’t get help. Refuses to acknowledge he’s depressed but every few months he explodes and says he can’t take it anymore and tries to leave so he can kill himself. I have to physically restrain him from going out the door as I know he’ll do something stupid if I let him go.

Latest episode was this evening. He exploded and tried to leave but I managed to keep him here and calm him down. I know he has suicidal thoughts but I don’t know how to help him. I’ve phoned the Samaritans previously and they advised me to keep his spirits up by planning fun activities for the weekends Hmm

I don’t know what to do. I have small DC and low moods myself, and the only thing forcing me to keep my shit together is the DC. I don’t know how long I can go on like this. I’m tired of tip toeing around him because I don’t want to upset him again, but I also don’t want my DC growing up without a dad. What do I do?

OP posts:
Dartilla · 10/01/2019 07:48

I've never been so sad to read a thread, I'm horrified at the responses telling you to leave him or that he's being controlling. He's clearly very poorly.

This must be part of the reason male suicide rate is so high.

My heart goes out to you OP, and I echo others that have suggested it may be PTSD.

I have complex PTSD and it took me a long time to seek help.

I wish I'd reached out earlier. I didn't do it sooner because I thought I was at fault, somehow I was broken. I didn't want to re-live the trauma.

But honestly, my initial talk and then assessment was incredibly gentle and gave me confidence to continue.

The trouble here is convincing your DH to go - but it has to come from him.

What convinced me to finally get help was seeing how my DH was affected. My symptoms (flashbacks, anxiety) and threatened suicides were killing the marriage.

Can you ask him to do it for you, if not himself?

You're a fantastic support for him, good luck, there is hope Flowers

Auramigraine · 10/01/2019 07:57

So sorry your going through this, it must be absolutely awful to live with Flowers

I agree as hard as it is, next time he threatens it maybe letting him go then phoning the police is the best way to get him the help he desperately needs, if he won’t visit a GP.
I had a friend years ago who’s partner suddenly started doing this, she was beside herself with worry, driving the streets at night with her child, phoned his GP begging for help and telling them the truth before he would go for a different non related appointment. Every time he went though, he didn’t do anything, he just would give her the scare of her life for a good few hours.

In my experience, when people genuinely want to commit suicide they do it secretly and make no inclination of their intention, which is why so many people are left with the why hanging over them. Not saying this is the case for you but it sounds like a desperate cry for help rather than an intention to do something.

Hope your OH gets the help he needs x

Knittink · 10/01/2019 08:01

He needs professional help, and you treading on eggshells and enabling his behaviour is not going to encourage that to happen. Either let him go and call the police or insist he see his gp.

Auramigraine · 10/01/2019 08:02

Just to add, my above post did not in any way make out that your OH is making this up or controlling you etc, I just feel maybe when the police is involved then he may realise how desperately he needs help and how serious it is.
X

Fraying · 10/01/2019 08:07

Let him go then call the police. If he is having a true MH crisis they will direct him to support. If he is being manipulative, he won't threaten suicide so lightly again.
I had to do this with an ex. He was depressed. He had PTSD. He was also very manipulative. I called the police in good faith because I was worried he would carry through on his suicidal thoughts. He never threatened suicide again. He did have a long course of counselling.
You owe it to your DCs to try to stop this hugely destructive cycle.

Puggles123 · 10/01/2019 08:11

Only on here would it be construed as him being controlling! This is part of the reason why male mental health is an absolute tragedy in this country.

If it appears it was triggered by a traumatic event, PTSD is very real and he needs professional help; the challenge as you know is him acknowledging this and seeking it. Mental health isn’t straightforward, and it isn’t uncommon to seemingly refuse it. Although extreme, if you believe he may do something phone 999 and they will section him. It isn’t an easy decision, it isn’t pleasant and he will probably ‘hate’ you (or whoever calls) for a bit- but it will also get him into the system for support in the community when he leaves. This is fairer to both himself and to you and your DC, he needs support but this needs to come from a professional.

nippey · 10/01/2019 08:20

My husband had PTSD and it’s taken nearly 10 years for us to get to a good place. I didn’t leave him as he was clearly unwell and needed help and support.

My DH wouldn’t seek help, and I really believed he is at risk of suicide, so I called 999 (on the advice of the military police as he was in the army) and he was taken to a psychiatric ward for assessment and eventually sectioned. He was in hospital for nearly 2 years and subsequently we have tried medication, counselling, alternative therapies, and all sorts.

The most effective thing for him has been exercise, routine and a healthy diet. He still uses a low dose of anxiety medication when needed.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that without proper intervention, he won’t get better and if you have to make that choice for him, he probably won’t thank you at first but in the long run he will.

Mayhemmumma · 10/01/2019 08:23

Don't restrain him. You could get hurt and perhaps it's better he's allowed to cool off. If he really wants to get out of the house or hurt himself he will and you can't control that. Physically restraining grown adult in my eyes will eventually lead to a physical fight.

IGiorni · 10/01/2019 08:31

You need to get him professional help. My OH took his own life last year just a few weeks after seeing the gp after months of mental health issues, arguments and me trying to convince him to get help. He never threatened suicide so they wouldn’t section him or get a crisis team involved. You can’t live like this and neither can he, please get some advice from a professional.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 10/01/2019 08:31

Hi OP he won't get help for himself...but maybe he would for you? Have you sat down and gone through how you are struggling to cope with the responsibility of having to be the person to stop someone you love hurting yourself? How you are getting more and more stressed knowing h could blow up at any time? It doesn't sound like it is his fault but it is controlling your life and you can't go on like that indefinitely. What would happen if you made a doctors or therapists appointment from him and went with him and talked for him so he didn't actually have to make the first move? Sorry I don't have any decent suggestions it must be so hard for everyone

Gatehouse77 · 10/01/2019 08:32

My DH has biological depression. For a long time we thought we could manage it ourselves. It came to a head one day. At that point I told him that I was now taking control of the situation - not him. I visibly saw the effect of some weight being lifted off his shoulders in his body language. Of someone else taking charge and making some decisions.

I made a GP appointment under his name and went with him. I did all the talking but the GP checked that what I was saying was an accurate depiction of the moods, suicidal thoughts, outbursts, etc.

He did get help for a while but didn't actually apply it. Intellectually he understood CBT but didn't use the techniques. We bumbled along for a good while but him not taking responsibility for his own mental health but using it as a hook to hang all unacceptable behaviour on took its toll. I gave him an ultimatum - 3 perfectly tangible, obtainable changes in behaviour - or I would ask him to leave. He didn't do it. We separated and it was only then that he realised what he'd done. I was shitting myself that I was going to be the 'thing' that pushed him over the edge. The first 6 months were awful. All round. But then he started to put the work in to help himself.

I was still supportive. Our separation was not a punishment but an act of self preservation for myself and the children. I didn't want to start to hate the father of my children and I had my on mental health to consider.

We got back together after quite a while and are happier and stronger for it. I appreciate that we're fairly unusual for having that ending.

Do you think your DH would let you come to the GP with you?

Badstyley · 10/01/2019 08:38

If he does it again call the police. If he won’t enter the system voluntarily then you need to step in, and the police are the only way.

Constantly threatening suicide is abuse btw. Even if he really is feeling that low, he’s putting all the emotional labour onto you by refusing to confront it.

Good luck OP. I’ve been on both sides of this, although I sought help beforehand. You really can’t allow yourself to be responsible for his wellbeing like this.

Imsosorryalan1 · 10/01/2019 08:43

If he wanted to kill himself he would do it without telling anyone, just like my dad did, he just quietly slipped out.

Aridane · 10/01/2019 08:48

Imsosorry - very sorry to hear about your father.

However, what you say about people committing suicide not telling others first is Myth No 2 on the Samaritans website (www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/what-speak-us-about/signs-you-may-be-struggling-cope/myths-about-suicide).

Flowers for you. I cannot imagine what you have gone through

funnelfanjo · 10/01/2019 08:53

Agree with a pp that asking him to see a GP to help him manage the impact of his behaviour on your mental health may be worth trying.

I have had experience of someone refusing to see a GP with mental health issues and claiming there’s nothing they could do. In that case it was fear of what they would be told (eg “labelled a nutter”) and a degree of not wanting to face reality. It took a crisis and non-family intervention to get there and things are now looking a lot better. It is a symptom of their illness that they think their situation is hopeless.

Flyingfish2019 · 10/01/2019 09:06

I am sorry. I think I got something wrong. I understood that he was feeling suicidal but not actually threatening suicide.

I agree with the ones who said if he is threatening suicide call 999.

I disagree with the ones who say that those who feel suicidal never talk about it. I know about at least one case of a man who threatened suicide and ended up killing himself.

I am dead sure my dh is being honest if he says he is feeling suicidal and tells me to get it off his chest. Which is a good thing. You do not need to be always strong just because you happen to be a man.

Djnoun · 10/01/2019 09:14

My father threatened to kill himself, and did so. His body wasn't found for weeks. Because of stupid myths like no one who threatens to kill themselves will actually do it. Hmm

Flyingfish2019 · 10/01/2019 09:20

I am very sorry to hear. Flowers

Yes, it is actually a very stupid and harmful myth.

MorrisZapp · 10/01/2019 09:29

I'm genuinely confused by posters saying that attitudes like the ones shown on here are driving male suicide. The man in question here refuses to get help. There's lots of help available, from the GP to the books and resources listed by kind posters.

I had crippling PND. I was encouraged to get help. I got help. Then things massively improved.

The thing that drives male suicide is men refusing to get help, not the women who think they should get help.

Justaboy · 10/01/2019 09:39

I'm genuinely confused by posters saying that attitudes like the ones shown on here are driving male suicide. The man in question here refuses to get help. There's lots of help available, from the GP to the books and resources listed by kind posters.

This, is the real problem the help is there its getting the horse to drink the water thats the hard part really is and men are the porst that they must "man up" thats drilled inot us from a young age .

No be a MAN and that we shouldn't show,express our feelings emotions ever thats the root cause here sad to say;(

Flyingfish2019 · 10/01/2019 09:43

First time when dh was feeling suicidal dh did not tell a soul. He was already diagnosed with ptsd and seeing a therapist then but he did not tell a soul. He only told me much later when he felt better... and i begged him to tell me if he ever felt so low again... and I was sooooo happy he did and understand it must have cost him a lot of strength.

Omzlas · 10/01/2019 09:52

FWIW, I don't think your DH is manipulating you but I do think he's reaching out the best way he can articulate

That said, you cannot be responsible for his mental health - he has to take responsibility for it, that includes seeing the relevant medical professionals.

Agree with all PPs who advise you to allow him to go next time, it sounds backwards because you want to help and keep him safe. He isn't allowing you to do that though, he isn't facing the problem or dealing with it. If you allow him to go, contact the Police immediately and explain, it may be the best step to involve the relevant authorities and get the help he needs but won't ask for

partinor · 10/01/2019 09:56

There are also women who refuse to get help and that think depression is a sign of personal weakness.

Tinygem · 10/01/2019 10:35

You absolutely need professional help, if he won't seek it then please talk to your gp to start with as soon as possible. Tell anyone that cares about him, at least then you're not shouldering this burden alone. There may well be local support groups in your area. He's clearly in crisis. The suggestion that people who talk about suicide don't go on to complete it are utterly untrue. As previous posters have said the rate of suicides for men in this country is truly shocking. This time last year we lost my brother to suicide, he hadn't consulted a doctor, but had talked about the day before. I don't know where to begin with the posters suggesting that it's controlling and you need to throw him out... It's fantastic that he has your love and support. Hope you can access the help you need.

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