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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Suicidal DH

148 replies

Horseneigh79 · 09/01/2019 23:25

He won’t get help. Refuses to acknowledge he’s depressed but every few months he explodes and says he can’t take it anymore and tries to leave so he can kill himself. I have to physically restrain him from going out the door as I know he’ll do something stupid if I let him go.

Latest episode was this evening. He exploded and tried to leave but I managed to keep him here and calm him down. I know he has suicidal thoughts but I don’t know how to help him. I’ve phoned the Samaritans previously and they advised me to keep his spirits up by planning fun activities for the weekends Hmm

I don’t know what to do. I have small DC and low moods myself, and the only thing forcing me to keep my shit together is the DC. I don’t know how long I can go on like this. I’m tired of tip toeing around him because I don’t want to upset him again, but I also don’t want my DC growing up without a dad. What do I do?

OP posts:
Flyingfish2019 · 09/01/2019 23:48

Tessliketress Significantly change? Well, I am a bit gentler and more patient with him when I know he is feeling unwell. He can be very conscending and patronizing, you know, and when he is not feeling well that gets worse. So I bite my tongue when I would otherwise say something... but I guess the thread is not about me.

Original poster
Horseneigh79 · 09/01/2019 23:50

I understand what you’re all saying, but this is not him being controlling or manipulative. I know him, and I know who he is. He was the sweetest, most loving man before the trauma so his behaviour is very out of character. He clearly has a mental health issue but can’t recognise it himself. I can’t just let him go knowing that he may very well harm himself.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 09/01/2019 23:52

You aren’t responsible for someone else’s mental health.
He needs to seek help or find somewhere else to stay. He is being incredibly unfair to put this on you.

Tessliketrees · 09/01/2019 23:56

@Horseneigh79

Sorry but that's how it comes across. You are quite vague and the language you use does imply somebody who is controlling and manipulative. You say "tip toeing" and "exploding" you have to physically restrain him. They are red flags.

Most people I know wouldn't be physically capable of restraining their husband and your husband doesn't need to leave the house to harm himself so why is that occurring regularly?

Maybe I have got it all wrong but you still haven't answered about what has triggered it or what you mean by tip toeing.

Either way the result is the same, you cannot help him if he will not help himself. The police/ambulance option is your only option if he wont agree to engage.

mayflower43 · 09/01/2019 23:56

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been in the same position with my adult son. While my instinct was also to keep him at home that was really the wrong thing to do. Indoors is deemed to be a "safe place" and neither medical or police help is given. However, once outside he is deemed not to be in a "safe place" and help from the emergency teams CAN be given. So awful as it seems if there is a next time do let him leave and call 999. Good luck.

TraineeCrone · 09/01/2019 23:57

My husband was like this but he did see the GP but didn't tell the truth..I had to go to the surgery and asked to talk to the GP and when the receptionist tried to put me offI remember saying that if I didn't see a Dr who did I get to see him if he kills himself.
To be fair the GP was fine but said he couldn't discuss a patient but could listen to me.He had a Psychiatric referral team there that day.
In my case in the long term he refused to take medication,but self medicated with alcohol and his depression made him incredibly selfish,I think he saw how it did give him control over me and used that(maybe to booster himself as we had had a very equal relationship for 6 years and a 2 year old before depression hit him).
In retrospect that is when I should have left not 11 years later.
Only you can decide,iris incredibly difficult.I had to leave in the end as his s behaviour escalated and my dd became affected.I thought I couldn't leave as he wouldn't cope but he is Ok while me and my dd are the ones who needed counciling to help us deal with it.

Flyingfish2019 · 09/01/2019 23:57

Is he a religious man? Maybe you could ask a priest/referend to talk to him.

delboysskinandblister · 10/01/2019 00:01

speak with him first and ask him if i would help him if you go with him or make a call together to Adult Community Mental Health Team. They will discuss the referral and decide who is the best practitioner to meet with him for an assessment i.e. CMHN or Psychologist. It sounds like PTSD. It is very very hard and frightening to make the first step. It is a period of adjustment but if you could say we can go together and I won't leave you in the room alone if this helps.

Aridane · 10/01/2019 00:02

Poor man - it sounds like the traumatic incident of two years ago has changed him.

Have you tried MIND or any of the mental health charities?

Flyingfish2019 · 10/01/2019 00:04

Have to add that nowadays they do not say the person with ptsd is mad but they say that he or she had a normal reaction to a non-normal event... and I think this way of looking at it is often helpful for the person suffering from ptsd because it takes away the stigma a bit.

Justaboy · 10/01/2019 00:06

Sounds all the world like untreated post truma. Depression can be a side effect but i don't think he has any intenrtion of killing himself in the past experecnes I've known really sudcial people just get on and do it sad as it all is.

Your of course not responsible as some have suggested but somehow to do need to get him to seek help and from what I hear the treament is very effective its just thiose silly buggers catch 22 your in right now.

Anyone like a best mate can talk to him at all?.

If push does come to shove and the police are called if he touches a PC that can be deemed to be assult and they can take him in under the mental health act and section him to be assesed by a doctor and that might be a way to do it as dramatic and harsh as it sounds.

Best wishes to you OP and take strength sounds like he's got a fine woman who realy does care about him!

Flyingfish2019 · 10/01/2019 00:07

Sorry if this are too many question but do you need books about ptsd? Would be easier to recommend some when you tell us which kind of trauma it was.

Original poster
Horseneigh79 · 10/01/2019 00:09

@tessliketrees I am being deliberately unspecific as the traumatic event is very outing. I used the term “tiptoeing” as I know he is having suicidal thoughts and I don’t want to be the one that triggers a depressive episode. I have managed to restrain him, but I would imagine that’s only possible because he doesn’t want to hurt me. If he wanted to get past me he would have to hurt me to do so and he just wouldn’t do that.

@delboysskinandblister I believe it may be PTSD. I’m just not sure how I can get the help for him when he won’t accept it.

@aridane thank you, I will phone mind in the morning

OP posts:
Seaweed42 · 10/01/2019 00:10

Isn't it peculiar that the only time he explodes and tries to leave is when you there to stop him? The context of this cannot be ignored. He is free to leave any time that you aren't in the house, isn't he?
In some way, consciously or unconsciously is he using you in this situation to help him excise or express some of his anger.
He knows he can explode and treat you like shit because it's 'safe' and you'll keep taking it. But he's not doing it in a healthy way. You are also accepting this situation and signalling to him that it's fine for him to do that.
I suspect once he gets some anger and aggression out via the explosion then he gets some relief temporarily. Unfortunately, at that point you have absorbed all the shit, and then you are the traumatised one.
Maybe tomorrow you find a counsellor for yourself and get yourself some support to find a way to manage this.

Wotev · 10/01/2019 00:11

It's very easy for posters to say you should be cold and not engage.
But they are not in love with this man and they don't know him.

He needs to get help. You need to be really firm about that.

For tonight, just get him to bed and sleep. Food, sleep, fresh air, exercise tomorrow.

Anyone ever hear of 'in sickness and in health'?

Original poster
Horseneigh79 · 10/01/2019 00:12

@wotev thank you for understanding. It’s very hard to disengage when it’s someone you love.

OP posts:
Wotev · 10/01/2019 00:13

Seaweed, or maybe he is desperately seeking help from the woman he loves and who knows him inside out?

Wolfiefan · 10/01/2019 00:14

Sounds like the traumatic event was out of his control. But what to do next isn’t.
He can’t say everything is fine when you feel you have to restrain him to stop him killing himself.
And the kids?
He needs to seek help or stay elsewhere. He has a choice.

Flyingfish2019 · 10/01/2019 00:19

@Horseleigh I am gonna make you a list of ptsd books tomorrow, okay?
I see you do not want to tell the cause of his ptsd because it would be outing but a I right to believe that

*It is not from the military
*not from sexual assault
*not from emergency services

Because there are different books. That’s why I am asking. Otherwise it is none of my business.

Dh of whom I just talked has ptsd and it sometimes feeling suicidal. CBT has helped him.

Books about his specific variant of ptsd helped me understand the condition much better... including things he was not able to talk about.

FissionChips · 10/01/2019 00:21

Next time he leaves either he intention of harming himself, let him go and then phone the police. They’ll usually take the person to hospital to get assessed.

delboysskinandblister · 10/01/2019 00:21

You can make the referral i know this as someone who worked for a CMHT but as someone who has suffered PTSD it is very frightening not to feel in control. Try and explain that it's not himself he wants to kill it's actually the feeling of anxiety trauma and hopelessness that he wants to kill. He wouldn't want to die had this event not happened would he? its the illness not person that he wants to die. He just can't get past the wave of overhwhelming panic.

It is very frightening. I remember someone explaining to me wehn I was going round and round and round in circles for months that 'if nothing changes, nothing will change' i.e. he doesn't have to do it all at once (meds, therapy, eating well, exercise) but he has to make some attempt to accept help because whilst there is support, the impetus has to come from him.

Suggest you both make an appointment and him writing down his feelings that he cannot speak and keep it private somewhere so he has it ready before he attends. memory can fail you when you feel on the spot in theraoy and you can't recall the moment of panic.

Baby steps. Just make sure he makes some steps. It was a while before I could feel ready to talk, then months later accept meds, adjust to meds.

I also thoroughly recommend you make an appointment for yourself. this is an enormous task that you have undertaken. You must take care of you. I dont think you realise how much and won't until you talk to someone. you will feel better. Don't forget this. It's not all about DH.

Original poster
Horseneigh79 · 10/01/2019 00:22

@flyingfish2019 it was a violent event which ended in the death of a loved one. Thank you your comment, any book recommendations would be helpful

OP posts:
delboysskinandblister · 10/01/2019 00:24

p.s. eating whole foods and some walking even around the garden twice can make a massive impact. especially as the days are getting longer. He may not want to leave the property but if he can sit in the sun for just 10mins this can help lift mood and gain perspective. I found nature very soothing and helpful. Stroking the cat. Walking several steps and then pottering in the gardening. Anything to get him in an arena of calm and healing.

for you OP Flowers

BumbleBeee69 · 10/01/2019 00:27

OP I’m not sure what help you’re hoping to get, purely on the basis that He will not accept help from anyone. He must see that his actions and behaviour are terrifying you and your children?

I agree with everyone and your GP, you cannot be responsible for his mental health, and you should let him leave next time ge does this, maybe walking in cold fresh air will help him calm himself. Flowers