Suicidal DH

[Horseneigh79]

He won’t get help. Refuses to acknowledge he’s depressed but every few months he explodes and says he can’t take it anymore and tries to leave so he can kill himself. I have to physically restrain him from going out the door as I know he’ll do something stupid if I let him go.

Latest episode was this evening. He exploded and tried to leave but I managed to keep him here and calm him down. I know he has suicidal thoughts but I don’t know how to help him. I’ve phoned the Samaritans previously and they advised me to keep his spirits up by planning fun activities for the weekends

I don’t know what to do. I have small DC and low moods myself, and the only thing forcing me to keep my shit together is the DC. I don’t know how long I can go on like this. I’m tired of tip toeing around him because I don’t want to upset him again, but I also don’t want my DC growing up without a dad. What do I do?

Wow. So when you're next suffering from PND you thing your husbands should turf you out to take a walk in the fresh air?

I would never have described myself as a 'caring' person, but based on this thread, I am!

Who'd have the thought, the solution to PND was just to be fucked out to go and walk in the fresh air. Hahaha.

I don't think posts suggesting he's being controlling are helpful. He's very ill, that's what's making him behave this way. My DH has also been suicidal, am so sorry you are going though this too. He disappeared twice but did eventually come home safely, thank god. All I can suggest is that you get help and support for yourself and continue to firmly reiterate that he needs to see a doctor. He doesn't need to feel like this and he won't if he gets help. My DH went to the GP eventually and was referred to a consultant psychiatrist. He is well most of the time now, there is light at the end of the tunnel for your DH, and you, if he will seek help.

I see. Dh has combat ptsd and there are different books about this...

But there is one book that is said to be great for all kinds of ptsd called the post traumatic stress disorder relationship www.amazon.com/Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder-Relationship/dp/1598699970?tag=mumsnetforum-21

Also shock waves. A practical guide to living with a loved ones ptsd www.goodreads.com/book/show/8501849-shock-waves

Have to say that I did not read them... I have read others and then felt like I did not need any more information.

A book I liked is called Once a Warrior-Always a Warrior www.amazon.com/Once-Warrior-Always-Warrior-Navigating-Home-Including/dp/0762754427?tag=mumsnetforum-21
This one actually is about combat ptsd and mtbi... but I think it is helpful because it shows how ptsd is a reaction to certain circumstances. Also it explains CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy for ptsd very well and in a non terrifying way).

You need to tell him to leave. Right now. If he refuses to help himself, you can do nothing for him, and imagine how this is impacting your children. He is being very manipulative and controlling. Send him packing.

Do you have a crystallball @Aquamarine or how do you know?

I am being deliberately unspecific as the traumatic event is very outing

I didn't mean the event 2 years ago, I meant when he "explodes".

I don't think posts suggesting he's being controlling are helpful. He's very ill, that's what's making him behave this way

You don't know that, but you are right it is a possibility. Threatening suicide and making a loved one solely responsible from preventing it is an abusive behaviour used deliberately by some people. To completely ignore the possibility is not helpful either.

The very best thing you can do is get the police involved by calling 999 if he threatens suicide again. They have the power to take him to hospital and get him assessed. If he's truly suicidal he'll be admitted and given treatment. It could be the beginning of the road to healing.

But @Tessliketrees why should a man who is like she describes her husband... stiff upper lip, does not talk about his feelings... make up things in order to manipulate her. Wouldn’t that be out of character?

Wouldn’t that be out of character?

Are you serious?

Given that he's faced a very traumatic event, the OP is genuinely concerned he is suicidal and she thinks he's likely to have PTSD, his behaviour is much more likely to be caused by mental illness rather than being controlling.

Yes, I am being serious... because do think that a man who does not like talking about feelings and has a stiff upper lip does not do things like this in order to create drama. Most likely not...

The very best thing you can do is get the police involved by calling 999 if he threatens suicide again. They have the power to take him to hospital and get him assessed. If he's truly suicidal he'll be admitted and given treatment. It could be the beginning of the road to healing

^^This.

I sadly have some experience of a situation similar to yours OP a number of years ago.
The GP is right, you can not take responsibility for his mental health. All adults have a responsibility to get help for our mental or physical health when we need it. Others can encourage someone to get this help, but there comes a point when it is up to the person.

I know there are differences. But if your DP was an alcoholic you could encourage him to go to AA and support him, but he has to actually do it and engage. It is the same with mental health.

In my case I said I could not go on like this and said I would totally step away and have nothing to do with her if she did not go to the GP and get help. It brought things to a head and she got the help she needed.

And remember, unless you are awake with him 24 hours a day he could kill himself. You can not stop him doing it. It is physically not possible. Only other thing you could do is ring the GP say you think he is going to kill himself. He will be assessed to see if he needs to be sectioned in a mental health ward. But there is a high threshold for this, because most people who say they are going to kill themselves don't.

Another mental health support group for men is andysmanclub.co.uk I’ve heard positive things about my local branch.

Cross posted about the sectioning.
Does he have plans for how he will kill himself?

This is going to sound really harsh and I apologise for that in advance but you cannot be responsible for the mental health of another adult and you cannot help someone who will not help themself. Your dh sounds like he is really suffering but he is not being fair putting that on you - that may well be caused by his mental illness rather than by choice but the effect is still the same. It is one thing to support a loved one but this goes way beyond that. Have a read up on co dependency and see if anything rings true, the basics are that the person with the problem (often addiction but it happens with illness too) gives the responsibility to someone else and that person feels that they can't stop doing whatever they are doing for them because the other person will not survive without them. They are both then trapped in their roles and nothing changes. The advice in this situation is usually to walk away and make them help themself - I can see why you would really not want to do that because obviously if it didn't work the consequences would be dire but maybe there is a middle ground here. What would happen if you told him in a calm moment that you would leave if he didn't seek help, would that be enough for him to see his gp? The other alternative would be to do as others have suggested and let him go then call the police which may be a good option too

because do think that a man who does not like talking about feelings and has a stiff upper lip does not do things like this in order to create drama. Most likely not

I didn't say anything about drama, I said control. An abuser can present in all manor of ways and it's a bit worrying that you think there are key character traits that rule abuse out.

OP I really hope you and DH get the help you need. I am not saying your DH is an abuser I was just pointing out that it is a pattern of behaviour that can be abusive, that was why I asked about your relationship generally etc. Lot's of people have given advice regarding how to help DH but please look after yourself.

@ReanimatedSGB kick the fucker out? You mean my mentally ill husband who is suffering with suicidal thoughts?

No do not kick him out. But tell him you can not go on like this and he has to seek help or you will leave him.

I was in your position. We shared the same GP and I spoke with my Dr many times. My Dr often told me that I could not look out for dh as I was doing without damaging my own mental health. Eventually I did end up in antidepressants. St was putting his welfare into my shoulders and taking no responsibility for himself. After many years of coping my Dr told me that when dh threatened to leave and harm himself I should let him go. This I did. He always returned home.
Just saying what I did.

However the home was in such constant trauma that I had to put myself and daughter first, he eventually became my ex.

Based on the information you've given and difference in behaviour pre and post the trauma I'm inclined to think this is a mental health issue as opposed to anything else.

In this situation i can understand your actions OP and do not agree that your first priority ought to be to walk or "kick the fucker out".

That said as pp's have already communicated you can't take responsibility or ownership of his mental health.

I appreciate why you've "tiptoed" around the elephant in the room, but if he is suffering from PTSD or other MH issues, your attempts to fend off another episode by shouldering all the burden of parenting, doing anything to keep him happy etc will do little other than delay the next emotional "explosion" as you put it.

Your contribution to the situation is at present (albeit unintentionally) maintaining an unhealthy and unsustainable dynamic.

My advice is that you need to speak calmly frankly to your husband and "show" him the elephant.

This is no way for any of you to live and sooner rather than later your children are going to sense (or see) this awful tension and anxiety that pervades your home (if they haven't already - and even very small children are far more perceptive than many people realise).

You can't get help for him - he needs to do that for himself, but you can support him in doing so.

Offer to see the GP with him. Talk about counselling services. Tell him there's no shame in a response to trauma that impacts MH, the shame is in abdicating any responsibility in seeking treatment at the expense of your loved ones and that's something he can fix.

Explain that your scared and worried.

Be blunt that something has to change because as a family you can't go on like this and say that the next time he leaves you'll let him go and call 999 if that's what it takes to get some level of medical intervention unless he'll do it himself.

Also steel yourself to acknowledge that if he won't seek help you may have to leave to protect your own mental health and welfare of your children.

Also OP you say you already struggle with your own mental health. Continuing like this is unsustainable for you. You will make yourself ill.

3/4 suicides are male.

This thread pretty much sums up why, attitudes towards men who have mental health issues and may react to that are very different to women. The op has repeatedly explained her husband had a traumatic event 2 years ago which changed him.........and still the comments come.

Op, I wouldnt let him go out either. You can however ring the police and theyll come to your home.........this can be a way go spark further support. Other than that urge him to seek help as this isnt good for any of you.