Suicidal DH

[Horseneigh79]

He won’t get help. Refuses to acknowledge he’s depressed but every few months he explodes and says he can’t take it anymore and tries to leave so he can kill himself. I have to physically restrain him from going out the door as I know he’ll do something stupid if I let him go.

Latest episode was this evening. He exploded and tried to leave but I managed to keep him here and calm him down. I know he has suicidal thoughts but I don’t know how to help him. I’ve phoned the Samaritans previously and they advised me to keep his spirits up by planning fun activities for the weekends

I don’t know what to do. I have small DC and low moods myself, and the only thing forcing me to keep my shit together is the DC. I don’t know how long I can go on like this. I’m tired of tip toeing around him because I don’t want to upset him again, but I also don’t want my DC growing up without a dad. What do I do?

How did things go after last night?
You were probably awake most of the night I suspect. How did your DH sleep?
Go and see your own GP and speak to them about whether to ring an ambulance next time. Don't talk about your DH, talk about you and how you can cope with your DH.
Hoping things get better for you.

Thank you, Flyingfish2019.

It's just not logical to leave someone making threats - like Oh, he must be OK because he's talking about killing himself??

Always call 999 if someone makes a statement like that to you. Someone being in distress to the point that they can't keep themselves safe is an emergency.

Whilst I offer full sympathy he is being incredibly selfish by not getting help. My fiancé is only 22 and has always been willing to get support with his MH/suicidal feelings as he doesn't want to burden me, not that I'd think that anyway. What people fail to realise is MH issues still need to be dealt with in the same way as a physical illness, you have to do things to help yourself feel better, it's hard but you can't keep feeling sorry for yourself. Give him standards of how you expect him to get help and if he doesn't do it then it may be time to call it a day

@Horseneigh79 I work in mental health and I can empathise with the responsibility you are feeling every time you stop your husband from leaving. It can be utterly devastating to live with a partner who is suffering with untreated mental health conditions, especially with suicidal ideation.

You're doing a great job supporting him, but this will not go away. There's a whole stigma around men and mental health and it can be very hard for men to admit they cannot cope on their own anymore. This is incredibly unhealthy and the statistics speak for themselves. You're absolutely spot on to treat his suicide threats as fact, most people who go on to die by suicide have spoken of it before.

If I can offer any advice, it would be to speak with your husband when he is next calm. Explain to him that this won't change, it hasn't so it won't. There is only two ways out of this. 1) he gets help and his health improves or 2) he spirals further into difficulty. Explain to him that you need to get him help for YOU. You need him to do this for you.

I have a link to a good website that can help you and your husband prepare for the first GP appointment. It's www.docready.org/#/home Even if you both just look at it for now, it's a step closer to help.

There are many things that can be done to help your husband. Medication, therapies, group talks... he doesn't need to live like this anymore and neither do you.

Please speak to him when he is calmer. Book the appointment for him if he agrees, the sooner the better. And if you feel there is an immediate risk to life, call 999 or go to A+E.

All the best. You sound like a loving, caring wife and he's very lucky to have you by his side.

I have tried to kill myself a few times. I never threatened to do it or let anyone know I was feeling sad. I wouldn't have told anyone because they would have stopped me. He's not about to go to down a bottle of bleach or hang himself. He wants attention. He probably needs attention. It sounds like a nervous breakdown. Call the Dr and get a home visit. He also needs to realise there is no magic wand. He will feel sad, lonely out of control but he needs to figure it out. Some people can't . He is at home with no interference with a loving wife who can help him get better. He isn't controlling you but he is having a very childish and selfish reaction to his emotions and that could really damage you in the long run. You aren't his emotions coach. You couldn't be if you tried that's up to him.

p.p.s. also try this

www.nhs.uk/using-the-nhs/nhs-services/mental-health-services/dealing-with-a-mental-health-crisis-or-emergency/

good luck OP

I'm so sorry Horseneigh79 you are getting a hard time on here - as is your DH - that you don't deserve.

I went through this with my husband - it's horrendous. You can't underestimate the effect it will be having on you too.

He does need to get help though. I made my DP and appointment with the GP and went with him every time he went. My view was that he had to get help otherwise I couldn't live with him anymore.

He took advice, he exercised, he took the pills, he got counselling.

I got some counselling through work for me and I also got support. From his parents and from friends. I couldn't do it all on my own. It was an awful time. But he's so much better now. And those people I used as support are still there.

It is a very serious situation. I would be very worried too OP. I am not sure of the services in the UK. Could you get him to get some therapy, explain you will have to live with his decision. I guess the silver lining is he is talking about his feelings.
I unfortunately have had some experience with suicides friends and family and it is awful. I can't imagine been responsible for saving them though if I had half the chance I would have.
You need lots of support OP. I hope he will get some help.

www.maytree.org.uk

Have a look at this? They helped my friend's friend when he was suicidal.

Could people please stop perpetuating the myth that talking about it means he won't do it? Some people attempt it without telling a soul, some people talk about it. It doesn't mean the people talking about it won't do it. It's actually quite upsetting and infuriating to read that over and over again.

OP I have PM'd you, I hope that's okay

However ill this man is, he doesn't have the right to repeatedly terrorize his family. For all the stuff about how men suffer because they think it's 'unmanly' to talk about their mental health, there are tons of men who are perfectly happy to 'talk about' their self-diagnosed MH conditions ie behave like absolute shits, smash stuff, shout and scream every time they don't get their own way but never actually do anything by way of getting help because it's far more satisfying to make it everyone else's problem.

Yes, people can have MH issues which are not their fault and which make them behave appallingly, even if they are seeking help and engaging with treatment. But this doesn't mean other family members have to put up with the aggression and disturbance indefinitely. Women, in particular, are expected to endure horrible behaviour from 'damaged' men because Love Conquers All. It's fine to say to a man: you need to leave, I will support you from a distance but I can't have this behaviour in my home or my child's home.

OP, honestly, seek proper, professional help, tell him to leave and engage with treatment. You can assure him that he will be welcome back once he's getting better, but you do not have to put up with this.

But reading the thread (including your previous post before it was deleted), what you outline does not appear to be the OP's DH

The thing about it is, when your mental health is affected, you're actually not capable of normal stuff like being selfless, kind, gentle, considerate, loving etc. You become trapped in your own head and the misery and pain therein. It doesn't mean you're a cunt, it just means you're unwell. For me, what has worked is meds (takes about 8 weeks for them to work for me) and exercise and I've had a few sessions of counselling, but not enough. You don't need an unsupportive partner. You wouldn't say to a cancer patient, you're being a selfish ass there, I'm going to kick you out, all you do is moan about your pain etc. This really is no different.

He's not about to go to down a bottle of bleach or hang himself. He wants attention.

You don't know that

For me when in the depths of depression, nothing really exists for me outside my own pain. Yes, that manifests as selfishness, but that's really not what's going on.

My sibling threatened to kill themselves many times. They made attention seeking FB posts and did everything an apparent 'attention seeker' would. They killed themselves one day. Decided it was time and did it.

Some people who threaten to kill themselves and 'seek attention' go ahead and do it.

We don't know the OP's husband but she does. She has stated he's changed since the trauma he experienced. It's really hard to get help for someone who doesn't want it, don't I bloody well know it but I hope they can get some help and support to get him at least assessed.

OP, I'm sorry to hear that things are so difficult.

To keep yourself safe - don't physically restrain him when he tries to leave. One day that could end up escalating resulting in you being hurt. It must also be scary for your dc, and might make it harder for you to care for them.

To keep your dh safe - if you are fearful that he is about to harm himself, then ring the police. This is a part of their job. If your dh is feeling very low and will agree to it, you can take him to A & E for an urgent assessment.

You say he tries to leave when he said he is going to kill himself. Do you know where he is planning to go or what he is planning to do? How specific are his plans?

Many people find seeking help difficult, especially for something so integral to our identity as mental health problems. Men in particular, are often socialised to believe that if they ask for help, if they admit they cannot cope, then they are not even really a man. Some would literally rather die than ask for help.

The best treatment we have available for PTSD at the moment is EMDR. It has a good solid evidence-base. You say your dh doesn't believe that anyone can help him. That must be a horrible situation for him. I don't know if maybe you could ask your GP (if they feel knowledgeable in this area, or maybe they could recommend another GP who is) to talk about different treatment options that are available, how many people use them, how they work, etc. It sounds like your dh would be resistant, but maybe framing it as a favour to you, might help.

Hello...
I hope you and dh are well today. Yesterday I promised to seek for additional books for his special type of trauma. I am sorry but I did not find any, very sorry. I am sure there are some however. Maybe one of the other poster can help. Just wanted to come back and tell you that I did not find any so that you do not think I do not care.

Hope you have a better evening today.

Bless you. It's so tough. I've been there.

He isn't being fair putting this on you at all.

He needs to get help. Being in denial about receiving help isn't making this better.

Offer to go with him to the gp and if he won't you need to ring them on his behalf and tell them what's happening.

It sounds like he needs some medication and CBT.

Only he can make himself better and get help but you can guide him along the way.

You can't be his therapist but it's so hard.

The man SGB is describing doesn't seem to match your DH OP. It's a wicked illness and the way it can make people less able to have the insight to understand that they desperately need help or that there is anything which actually CAN help, is particularly cruel. There's some really good advice on this thread and I hope you can ignore the unhelpful posts.

Everything crossed he - and you - can get the help you need.

@Horseneigh79

This is such a sad situation. Beyond/in addition to PTSD, it sounds as though your DH may be suffering from survivor's guilt. It is real.
Losing a loved one is tragic enough, but double that with it being a violent event; and then treble it, if DH was also a victim or witness.

Research survivor's guilt, and you'll probably find a few things that fit into place, in his situation.

Also, does your husband drink? Drinking at this time is not a good idea at all, as booze just amplifies the trauma, and deepens the depression.
It adds to disordered thoughts, anxiety, and sense of gloom and doom.

Just offering a few things I've discovered to be true, in my own experiences.

As your DH is not inclined (for the time being) to see his GP, perhaps he might be open to reading about survivor's guilt, so he might identify with what is happening to him; and see that his emotions are nothing to be ashamed of, nor be ashamed to admit to.

You both can work through this. There is hope - especially, as you said, he was never like this at all before the traumatic event.

💗

@Horseneigh79 Thinking if you, hope you're all right

Hope you're ok OP