To ask if you are the kind of parent you thought you would be?

[Bumblebee39]

So just that really...

I remember being pregnant with DC1 and thinking I would be a home schooling breastfeeding baby wearing earth mother
A few years (and one soon to be two more DCs) later and I am a studying and WOHP who doesn't home school, breastfeed, baby wear or (judging by our reliance on ready prepared food and disposable anything they make disposable) have much green parent earth mother to me at all
I am definitely absolutely not the kind of parent I thought I would be, are you?
What went to plan? And what didn't?

I thought I’d be a natural like my mum was with us... couldn’t be more wrong! I didn’t realize that actually I’m a very selfish person and my mum is the opposite. I just want them to leave me alone a lot of the time. (They never do!)

I envisaged cuddly babies. In reality I found having a baby lay on me for hours at a time absolutely awful and claustrophobic - I couldn’t wAit to put them down and have my arms back for a few minutes. DD1 was a difficult baby though so I think that’s one of the reasons I ended up so disillusioned and disappointed with the whole motherhood gig. They’re toddlers now and it’s much more entertaining and I’m finding I’m gradually becoming more like the mum I thought I’d be.

God yes pernickity! I love baby cuddles but when they just won’t be put down, aaargh!

I didn’t have many expectations. I thought there’d be more screaming and tantrums than we’ve had so far (could have a three aged though!), so I was surprised how much I like spending time with my DD.

BUT there was so many things I hadn’t realised. I wanted to breastfeed until DD self weaned, and in my head that would happen at about a year because I didn’t generally see kids older than that doing it. Ha. DD loves a feed for nap time and bedtime. I also thought that kids slept through once they were able to eat enough not to be hungry at night. I love sleep, so I figured why would you wake up unless you had to?

If I had thought about those things, I would have assumed they’d really stress and upset me. They don’t, I’m much more comfortable than I thought I’d be. We cosleep on and off and I intend to do so for at least another month or two (house move, medical procedure and starting nursery have all been recent stresses for DD, so I wanted to keep it up in case she was scared or unwell).

I didn’t realise quite how isolating it would be with many of my friends being childless. The casual “can’t you get a babysitter?” Is something I would have said.... well, I can, but DD likes me to put her to bed or she’s very upset, which I don’t like doing to her except when I have to, and it’s expensive! A night out becomes just too darn expensive. There are so many friends I feel like I haven’t seen in forever, and that does make me sad.

Now DS is a teenager, I do regret not having at least one more, I think he would have benefitted from a sibling

Console yourself and remember that dealing with sibling rivalry is exhausting. sometimes I wonder what it would be like with just one.

I never gave it a thought, I was the first of my circle to have a baby so there wasn't the competitive situation that seems to happen nowadays. A baby would fit into our lives as best as it could and it worked well. I do think that mothers invest far too much thought and time into trying to be the perfect parent.

MrsBalf
mine are older now but your post really struck a chord with me. I felt so trapped. it was relentless - preparing food, feeding, clearing up, toilet trips, playing, more clearing up, tantrums. effort effort effort and that nagging feeling that you're fucking it all up and you should be better at it...........ugh

it does get better - i promise xxxxx

So far, mostly as planned:
Working part time at three months
Full time at five months (DP home with them)
Am not maternal, but was expecting that
Quite strict routines from a few weeks
Breastfed initially, but couldn't manage

So far, the biggest difference is that I thought I'd worry a lot less about them. In fairness, a lot of this stems from reading MN

It will change a lot as they get bigger (and more interesting).
God, I hope they like books.

@RangerLady Ha! I'm glad it's not just me then. I bet she did hear the chocolate offer? I would have 😁

@KaliforniaDreamz Thanks! It does feel like that a lot of the time. I wouldn't say I'm a clean freak, but it stresses me out trying to keep the place generally tidy and clean and enrages me when the toddler makes a mess just for the hell of it.

My dh works away a month at a time so it feels quite stifling with no company in the evening/help. When he's home it's great and the workload is halved (almost!) but when he's not I find I am just knackered and grumpy all the time as baby is still up 3 times a night. So I'm probably taking the tiredness and frustration out on the poor toddler a bit too...if only the baby would sleep a full night I reckon I'd be in a much better place, but hey ho. Thanks for your reply 😊

you're not alone x

I thought I’d be nicer and more patient. Not sure why, I was always horrible and impatient before.

Haha! This definitely struck a chord with me

Not at all the kind of parent I thought I would be.

I come from a pretty abusive background, and my mum was severely depressed when I was tiny, so I believed that parenting was impossibly hard and you spent most of your time furious with your small child, yelling and screaming. I didn't want to be like that but thought I would be constantly having to watch my temper or suppress rage.

So far, and DD is only 21 months so it could all change, I am disgustingly laid back and patient. I find it all very rewarding. I get irritated on occasion because I am human and toddlers can be annoying, but it is nothing like what I envisaged.

Even my mum repeatedly says, in surprise, that I'm good with DD. Which is rather poignant. But I'm so glad I had her.

Oh, and I thought I would really struggle with the newborn to toddler stage, especially as she's not biologically mine so I thought she wouldn't even want to snuggle up with me. I had no idea how much you can communicate with and even joke with a non-verbal baby.

I am actually. I always knew I was never going to be an earth mother as such, I love my kids and would do anything for them, but i am not a touchy feely kind of mum and brought them up very practically and logically. I express love through humour really.

Pretty much,yes.i had it all planned,the finances,the mat leave etc
And despite the doom Sayers, the precious moments worriers predicting doom,they’re all fine after FT Nursery
Obvs can’t plan for the individual personalities of the kids,they’re all beautiful & different

Nope, not at all!

But I’m so glad I’m the parent I’ve turned out to be.

Yes. Never maternal, unplanned pg at 32. I've got mental health problems and didn't want to pass them on or parent with them.
I'm still not maternal, I'm rather selfish, Aspergers, need alone time, quiet. Baby time was awful, messy, noisy, didn't understand what this cry and that cry was for. Milk? Nappy? Hug? Poorly? Like being dumped in the Amazon blindfold.

She's always been wilful, but I love her quirkiness and sense of humour. She doesn't suffer fools but i worry she'll have a hard time fitting in, like me.

I have her best interests at heart but I sometimes feel ill equipped mentally and don't know what to say when she's overwhelmed with frustration (friendship issues, 12 y.o) so i just hug and tell her i love her. Dunno if that's very useful though.
I shouldn't have been a mum with my limited capabilities. 😞

I'm weird as a mum. Thankfully the kids like me.

I am, pretty much. I always knew I'd have to be a working parent and we made that work. I always knew I would never, ever hit our kids and I haven't - and nor did their father. Mostly I always expected to have to wing it and be flexible and it's worked. They're now 19 and almost 17 and we are so close. The teenage years were so much less tough than I expected - not perfect, but we could always talk.

These days it's just the three of us due to their dad's alcoholism and early death, which also destroyed our marriage, but we are a close knit family and always will be.

I thought I would be better at bedtime. And my husband would be more fun.