To ask if you are the kind of parent you thought you would be?

[Bumblebee39]

So just that really...

I remember being pregnant with DC1 and thinking I would be a home schooling breastfeeding baby wearing earth mother
A few years (and one soon to be two more DCs) later and I am a studying and WOHP who doesn't home school, breastfeed, baby wear or (judging by our reliance on ready prepared food and disposable anything they make disposable) have much green parent earth mother to me at all
I am definitely absolutely not the kind of parent I thought I would be, are you?
What went to plan? And what didn't?

I'm way better than I thought I would be.

I seem to have an ocean of patience I didn't know I had and a really high tolerance for gross stuff among other things.

BF didn't work out because our baby is lactose intolerant. Yeah...the milk my body produced that's meant to be the most natural nourishment for my baby, actually made her sick. Go me. 😂

No idea how to answer really.

I thought I’d be stern and strict and raise well mannered, respectful children who would be just like me. I’m surprised at the huge capacity for patience that I have, and I absolutely love how different they are from me.

But I never imagined being so anxious to the point of paralysis, so brain numbingly bored or that I’d struggle with the drudgery so much. I don’t think I do the basics very well at all. But there are moments where I know I’ve managed to get something exactly right.

I definitely wasn’t prepared for the challenges of a child with sn, and the challenges or raising a sibling of a child with sn.

I thought I’d be more fun. My brother commented once on how lucky my kids were , assuming I suppose that as a Mum I’d be as much fun as I was as a big sister. My dc got badly shortchanged in that respect.

I think I'll be anxious. I just hope they develop a secure attachment. That's my main worry.

Anxiety comes with the territory!

And I really wouldn’t worry about the attachment. As long as you’re there and looking after your baby that will be fine!

Good luck with the IVF

I was determined to be 'young mum showing the world we can do it awesomely!', planned for no/limited sugar, wooden educational toys, low eco footprint, breastfeeding till weaning.... All went to shit for various reasons! - Child still alive and now pregnant with her own so not all bad I guess 😂

I thought I’d be younger, but we had 14 years of infertility before our first was born.

I worried I’d be unable to show love and affection, but it turns out I’m nothing like my parents.

I’ve made mistakes, but on the whole I don’t think I’ve done too badly.

I thought I'd hate the baby stage, which I did with dd1 but have loved it with dd2 (i let her cosleep so I wasn't surviving on 3hrs sleep a night for a year). Have followed the parenting choices I thought I'd make - BF, cloth nappies, slings, lots of outdoor play, nice days out, minimal crap food and noisy toys.

But I have zero patience, nip at the eldest constantly for what is prob normal pre schooler behaviour, am intensely bored by many games (shops anyone?!) And shout a lot. Throughout my life I've always avoided conflict but I can't seem to with my children. Overall I'm hugely disappointed in myself and fully expect them to hate me as soon as they are old enough to and not to have any good memories of me. DH is great though luckily so they have him.

I didn’t really give much thought before having kids (happened unexpectedly!)

Overall, I’d say I was doing well.

But some days my eldest gives me a look and I question my whole existence and role in this world.

Younger one thinks I’m ace though. Currently.

I'm impatient. I hadn't expected that; I teach teenagers and thought if I could keep my temper doing that, I'd be fine. But I snap over the littlest things. Today we had a lovely hour playing together and then when they wouldn't settle for a nap I flipped my lid. I hate myself afterwards.

Also, I wasn't anticipating the loss of myself, and hadn't realised how much of my self-worth was based on my work and my ambitions for the future. Now I'm a largely SAHM and had to cancel attendance at two big professional events last year because of postnatal anxiety.

I thought I'd be a fragrant earth mother but I'm mostly depressed and angry, and then sad that I'm not enjoying my beautiful baby.

Hey ho. Tomorrow is a new day.

I used to be. Then came early menopause and now I’m grumpy. Pretty much most of the time. I hate it.

I could never have handled Gina Ford type fixed routines. We had a rough pattern and muddled through.

Neither birth was a plan A, and that hit me quite hard the first time. I did manage to get to grips with BFing and made it to the toddler years. I had a carrier for DS1 which was useful, by DS2 I knew more about slings, wraps and carriers. I'm never purist about anything as I bumble through so wasn't a full on crunchy earth mama (thank goodness, some can be quite cultish!)

I'm playful with the DCs, but was surprised at how hard I find it to play something like shops with them. I can do physical play, make jokes and board games, but something like role play or Lego where the DC (especially DS1) had expectations generally ended in an upset when my telepathic skills failed.

I blundered into being a SAHM after DS1 started school. He needed me more then after coping OK at nursery. I found the toddler years mind numbing and frustrating. Having a baby and toddler meant they could destroy an afternoon by tag teaming naps. Anything involving the car sent them to sleep which was hard for shopping ( had to involve multiple shops due to multiple allergies)

The thing I have learned about myself is how much personal space and quiet I need. I would always have said that I was extrovert, but naturally got the quiet in. Now the DCs use up my extrovert, and leave me needing to indulge the introvert.

I was so anxious during pregnancy that I didn't really dare to think ahead to motherhood at all, let alone start formulating a parenting philosophy. However, I did want to be a mother who listens and takes her child's worries seriously. I remember making suicide plans aged 10 after months of suffering from untreated - and ignored - anxiety and OCD, and I swore that I would never become my parents.

So far, I think I'm doing OK on the listening front, and hearing what's going on in two year-old DD's strange little head can be an unexpected source of delight. E.g. when I asked why she was being unkind to the cat and not letting him in the back door, it turned out that she was trying to train him to be a "guard cat" to keep foxes away. (I didn't give her a free pass on being mean, because kindness to animals is one of my red lines, but I had a good laugh when she was in bed).

No. But then I didn't expect two children with ASD.

I didn't, like a previous poster expect the sheer amount of energy and knowledge it would take to get even basic support in place for them. I thought I would have lots of Mum friends and I did until it became clear the boys were different. I was going to be all engaged with school but instead I ended up fighting my boys corner at every stage...still am. They would have all these extra curriculars but it turned out they couldn't access any of it.

On the plus side, I thought they would grow to be independent and aloof as teens but that's not the case! My journey with them drew me into a childcare career and I am now able to give support to young familiar with disabled chikdren because I've been there. I'm more patient and understanding than I thought I'd be and my faith in God has grown much stronger because there is no way I could do all this alone.

I'm grumpier than I thought I would be. I am much much more tired than I thought I would be. I am in a lot more pain than I thought I would be. He is a lot heavier than I thought toddlers would be 😁

I definitely empathise with the mummy friends.
I thought I'd go to groups and it would just happen. Instead the friends I've made have been outside of that and not "mummy friends" per se but friends who are often mums (often to kids of entirely different ages)

Also the energy thing- I thought I would be up early in the morning to do activities with them on the weekends, instead it's CBeebies babysitter

And the tidying up is endless... No sooner have I picked to the toys and they are out again.
I imagined a montesoury nursery filled with wooden toys, but have well and truly given into the plastic crap too.

I’vefound Parenthood relentless tbh, I just crave time to myself. I love the DC but when they’re small they are boring and now our interests are so far apart. DS is sporty and DD crafty and sociable, neither likes reading, cooking or walking, which I enjoy. It’s so hard to manage a day out or holiday we all enjoy. They are good kids but I prefer working, & can’t wait until I can go back full time and feel less responsibility for them, still they are now 16 and 12 so it won’t be long before I can.

Similarly thought I’d be a total earth mother who put her kids and DH first over career. Hadn’t appreciated how important my career was/is to me, and how I don’t feel guilty about using childcare to enable it. Did extended breastfeed, am quite laid back but with firm boundaries, am totally different to my mum (the most important bit) and the kids are generally lovely so I must be doing something right. but my ambition and still feeling so driven has really surprised me.

Yeah turns out you don't have a personality transplant on becoming a mother. Not a hippy dress in sight. Breastfeeding? Hell.

I value my autonomy, like working and having adult interaction. My kids are my life but there's me to consider sometimes too.

I value my autonomy, like working

Isn't working the opposite of autonomy since it means doing what you're told to do instead of what really inspires you?

What an interesting thread. From a lighthearted perspective, before I had kids I told myself that I wouldn't be one of those parents who always talks about poo. I used to hate it when my sister in law would go on about my nieces' poo (when they were little, obvs) every time I spoke to her but when you have a baby / toddler it's just a constant feature of your day

On a more serious note I think I am about living up to being the type of mum I thought I would be before I had kids. I am fairly strict, organised, follow routines, set boundaries etc. They eat healthily, and I limit screen time. I tell them constantly how much I love them and how proud I am of them. We read a lot and talk constantly. I try to make sure they are resilient and like themselves.

But I agree with the others who have been surprised at how mind-numbingly boring small children can be. I don't want to play a game, stand in a freezing park, do jigsaws / craft etc all day. I do it, but it gets boring so quickly. I also like peace and quiet and a tidy / clean house which is tricky with two boys and I find I crave 'me time' massively which I very rarely get, due to husband working weekends and shifts etc. I am also constantly knackered as even aged seven and four they both get up at the crack of dawn and start crashing about which added to bouts of insomnia and anxiety means I feel quite delicate and fragile a lot of the time.

Four-year-old is going through an especially wingey / whiney stage at the moment and follows me about the house constantly which is pretty annoying and I have to try really hard to ignore and not lose my temper.

Having said that, we must be doing something right as they are both happy, confident, kind children and I am proud of the people they are growing into. I guess it's ups and downs / rough with the smooth and I did expect that.

I have a lot more tolerance and empathy than I ever thought I would - for context DS had a stroke as a baby and it changed everything. Suddenly all those milestones that parents are so proud of became unimportant and other achivements became much more valid. I have felt more reward and more love than I ever could have imagined and felt more sorrow and pain than I thought possible. DS and I are closer than I ever was with my own parents. Parenthood nothing like I expected on the day I saw the blue line!!

Thought I'd be a sahm -I was
Thought I'd love babies and children-I do
Thought I'd be really patient and understanding with teens-I'm frequently found moaning and arguing with them.This bit is harder than ages 0-13 for sure. I have a DD15 and DD18

I started off wanting 3 but really didn't enjoy the baby stage. I thought I'd be very earth mother. I bought square cloth nappies - well after about 6 weeks I was using pampers. I did breastfeed for a year though!

I thought I would be all flashcards and no tv - how wrong I was - I loathed soft play but stuck out the baby groups. I just couldn't face doing it all again and so we stuck with just the one. I also like a clean, organised house and peace & quiet!!

Now DS is a teenager, I do regret not having at least one more, I think he would have benefitted from a sibling.

I thought I would hate the baby stage, that I would be desperate to to back to work and that I wouldn't want to breastfeed. I was quite worried about becoming a mother.

Instead I loved the baby stage despite having a very difficult baby. I breastfed exclusively and continued to 22 months and my whole life just centred on the baby and I loved it.
It wasn't what I expected at all as I wasn't remotely maternal before he came along.
I'm still shit at cooking and domestic duties though/naturally lazy.

DH and I both thought we were going to be fairly strict, routine-based sort of parents. As it turned out, we were total lentil-weavers who basically held our babies for as much of the day as possible, co-slept for ages and are still both a bit soft all round. We think we were both just thinking of our own parents and assuming we'd be the same as they were. Happy with how it turned out to be honest