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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Will i regret not saying goodbye to my nan?

125 replies

thecatsarecrazy · 09/01/2019 14:22

It's a hard subject so i apologize. My nan was found very ill at the weekend. They believe shes had a massive stroke. She's in hospital but there's nothing they can do and all treatmentHas been withdrawn. Its basically waiting for her to pass now.
My mum has asked me to please not go as it would be to much and just remember her how she was at Christmas. Its a huge shock she is 80 but shes been so well. Im worried if i don't go i will regret it but also know it would be difficult.

OP posts:
Metalhead · 09/01/2019 14:26

I would go I think. She might still be able to hear you, even if she’s not fully conscious, so I would take the chance to say goodbye and tell her you love her. (I didn’t get that chance when my Nan passed unexpectedly last year, and I still feel awful about it.)

drquin · 09/01/2019 14:28

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it's a very personal one ..... it's not at all unrealistic for you to do as your mum suggests, stay at home and remember your nan at her best. I've done similar for relatives who have died, and honestly no regrets.

If your nan was on her own, without your mum perhaps, then it'd be different again.

But plenty of people have experiences where they'd recommend you do visit your nan.

Whatever you do, don't have regrets about it - just remember your nan as you would want.

TootTootPeanutbutter · 09/01/2019 14:28

I'd go. I regret not being able to be there for my Grandmother.

Orchidflower1 · 09/01/2019 14:32

It’s your personal choice- what works for your mum/ siblings/ aunts etc may not work for you.
Ask yourself which do you think will upset you more in a years time. Going or not going?

adreamofspring · 09/01/2019 14:32

My mum would 100% say the same thing to me. She still wants to protect me from pain and so she would think that keeping her child away is the right decision. Even though im nearly 40. I’m sorry for your situation OP. Flowers Do what is best for you but don’t feel guilty if you choose not to go.

Aprilshowerswontbelong · 09/01/2019 14:34

My dgm knew she would die after surgery for an aortic aneurysm. I visited every day when she was awake and the day they switched the machines off, she knew I had tickets for a concert and made me promise to go regardless. She was unconscious when I left and died as I got home and checked her condition with the nurse over the phone. Keeping her wish that I still went out took away the guilt I know I would have felt if I hadn't been with her at the end. So go and sit with her is my advice.

ScottishBadger · 09/01/2019 14:34

I didn't go when in this situation last year. Mine was 93 and would have traversed the length of the country to say goodbye. I'm relieved in the end and don't regret it. I have lovely memories and she wouldn't have realised I was there.
My Dad went suddenly a few years back. While I'm gutted I didn't see him one last time, again, I have lovely memories of the way he was when full of life.

Original poster
thecatsarecrazy · 09/01/2019 14:35

Thank you for the replies. She was never a cuddly nan or one to show much affection but at Christmas she was lovely with my youngest. Kissing him and cuddling him. Saying what a lovely boy. I keep replaying it in my head. Sad

OP posts:
homemadegin · 09/01/2019 14:36

My gran passed away in July. My mum said the same to me, we were so close and she went downhill very very quickly. I was heavily pregnant and mum was worried how I would cope. I did go and I was so glad I did. It was very hard and very upsetting but I got an opportunity to tell her I love her and to say goodbye. I just sat with her for a while and held her.

A very personal choice though. Thanks

stripes1 · 09/01/2019 14:37

I didn’t go when my grandad was dying. I don’t regret it. I have lovely memories of seeing him a couple of weeks earlier at Christmas (this was a few years ago). He had my dad and aunt and my Granny with him so he had people with him while he died and knew he was loved.

JudgeRindersMinder · 09/01/2019 14:37

I’d go.
I didn’t see my grandparent when she dies, on the advice of my dad to “remember her as she was living” and I bitterly regret it.
I was there right till the end when my mum died and I absolutely don’t regret it. You only get one shot at this.
I’m sorry you’re having to make this decision, it’s never easy to know what to do when you’re losing someone

Bluelady · 09/01/2019 14:37

It's an intensely personal decision. If it were me wild horses wouldn't keep me away. It's the last chance to show her you love her and to say goodbye. You might regret it if you don't, I doubt you'll regret it if you do. So sorry, it's so tough. 💐

Whisky2014 · 09/01/2019 14:37

I would go. When my grandad was in his bed at the end i had come round to visit my granny. I dont even thonk I went up to see my grandad that day. Asni was leaving my aunty asked if i wanted to go up to see grandad and I said no. The next day he died. I still feel guilty 7 years later. I really should have gone to see him and I just didn't realise he was going to go :(

userschmoozer · 09/01/2019 14:38

How upset will you be if she looks extremely ill, or doesn't recognise you?
It doesn't bother me, I'd rather sit with them while I still can. When my Nan was dying she had dementia and was on morphine, so I just let her talk. She didn't know who I was half the time. I put all my feelings aside and gave her as much comfort as I could, and I don't regret it at all.

LtJudyHopps · 09/01/2019 14:38

This happened to me but my great nan. She had a stroke and everyone told me not to go and see her like that, but I couldn’t not go. It wasn’t nice at all seeing her like that but I got to see her one last time and that was all that mattered to me. It’s a completely personal choice.

PineappleTart · 09/01/2019 14:40

I've been there with both my grand mother's. The first I was closer to and I regret seeing her. I hate that that's the image that comes first to my mind when I think of her. The second time, I wasn't as close but I just couldn't go. In both times they had both had large strokes and had no idea who was there. It's a very personal choice though.

AdamNichol · 09/01/2019 14:41

I live(d) a long way from any grandparents, so they all passed with me not visiting for months beforehand. I don't feel that I lost anything due to this.

My father died three weeks ago. He had terminal cancer diagnosed in July. In early December he transferred to hospice as mum was struggling with the physical demands of caring full time.
We were due to visit (they live 300 miles from us) between xmas and new year; but moved our visit to pre-xmas owing to the hospice transfer.
DS (7) didn't see my parents much, but had a really strong relationship with them. We debated taking him to hospice / telling him / etc, essentially dragging ourselves around in circles as we tried to balance a 'magical xmas for a 7yr old' vs 'saying goodbye'
Eventually, we settled on visiting, and getting him to open presents in advance whilst there and give a big goodbye hug (without saying why). DW took DS to car, and I said my last goodbye before the 300 mile trip home.
Xmas was good, father passed away. I went back to parents for a couple of days, then returned for NYE. Waited until my return to tell DS as didn't want to tell him then vanish myself for a few days. He was upset and had some questions, but was consoled by being able to give a goodbye hug (even if it was to someone mostly out of it on morphine the whole time).

So, two conflicting bits of advice, I'm afraid. Without being mean to your DM, this is your choice - though I suppose she is just advising?

CurbsideProphet · 09/01/2019 14:41

When my grandma was close to the end last year my mum asked us not to be there as it would be too upsetting. I respected her wishes, as I imagine she was looking after her own emotions, plus her own father was there. I don't feel guilty at all. Maybe just check in with your mum to make sure that she's coping ok Flowers

Colabottles64 · 09/01/2019 14:45

I went back overseas to see my DGM and be with her when she passed. She died surrounded by her children and some of her grandchildren and even though it was incredibly sad, it felt right to be with her when she breathed her last.

I was afraid of my last memories of her being her on her deathbed, but I’m glad I was there and I when I think of her I always think of our happy times together and her when she was well. Hope that helps in some way xxx

ShatnersWig · 09/01/2019 14:46

My lovely, wonderful nan opted to refuse treatment, food and water in hospital. Broke my heart. They said it might take weeks for her to die. Indeed it did. I went in every other day and sat with her even though she would just lie there, seemingly out of it but if you asked her anything she would just say "leave me be". I went in to visit as usual on an alternate day (only ten mins from the hospital so could always have got there if called in) and she had been moved into a side room so clearly final stages. I barely recognised her, the difference in two days was staggering. I sat there with her for seven hours and she died two minutes after I left the ward.

I never, ever see my nan in my mind as she was then, only ever as she was when fit and well. Had my mum said "don't come" and I not gone, I would have regretted it forever.

HollyBen · 09/01/2019 14:47

So sorry to hear this. 9bviously it is a very personal decision. I was in a very similar position with my grandad a few yaers ago. I went to see him. It was awful. He was quitr distresed and not really able to communicate. I sobbed the entire time I was there. I wish I hadn't gone as I would rather have remembered him as active and healthy man he had been.

CheeseGirl4 · 09/01/2019 14:48

I can see both arguments here. My Gran had Alzheimer's and her recognition, recollection, and general abilities were very poor by the end. I hated seeing her like that and found visits distressing. I did go and see her shortly before she died though and admit I was glad I'd had the opportunity to say goodbye and tell her I love her. I genuinely don't think she realised, but I knew of course. It's a hard decision, but if you think it would help you to know you'd been, then go.

Yulebealrite · 09/01/2019 14:50

I think you should go whilst she is still alive. I thought you were going to ask whether to see her in the funeral home, in which case I would have said there is no right or wrong answer. But yes, i think you ought to visit in her final hours both for her sake and yours.

rose789 · 09/01/2019 14:50

My grandma was taken to hospital suddenly and they told us there was nothing they could do. I desperately wanted to be there with her but I had a raging virus and she was in ICU and I made the decision not to go incase I infected everyone. I regret this bitterly and that was 16 years ago

Vitalogy · 09/01/2019 14:56

I think your mum should just leave it for you to decide. It's a personal decision, not for anyone else to decide for you.