Will i regret not saying goodbye to my nan?

[thecatsarecrazy]

It's a hard subject so i apologize. My nan was found very ill at the weekend. They believe shes had a massive stroke. She's in hospital but there's nothing they can do and all treatmentHas been withdrawn. Its basically waiting for her to pass now.
My mum has asked me to please not go as it would be to much and just remember her how she was at Christmas. Its a huge shock she is 80 but shes been so well. Im worried if i don't go i will regret it but also know it would be difficult.

I'm so sorry @thecatsarecrazy :( we lost my grandad suddenly and I had the choice to go and see him (but different as he's actually passed) but I chose not too and now when I remember him I remember his happy face giving me a hug and and a kiss on the head a few days before. It's still hard but his smiley face is in my head and I'm glad I've got that xx he was also 80.
I hope this helps xx sending hugs

From personal experience, several times over, the regret would've been not going for my own selfish reasons. I didn't want to go - I didn't want to see them like they were. But I went for them.

Blobby10 Wed 09-Jan-19 15:01:30
I didn't see any of my grandparents in their final days - one grandfather died when I was 10 and had cancer - he didn't want the grandchildren to visit him when he was ill so we could remember him healthy. He died in his sleep before anyone expected it. My grandmother died very peacefully whilst watching TV one evening - I didn't go and see her body.

My other grandfather died in a nursing home when I was expecting my third child. He had Alzheimers and had become very aggressive so was heavily medicated - grandma didn't want us to visit him in the home and he died in his sleep. Grandma was well into her 90s but after several falls, had to move into a nursing home for her final 2 years. I visited her a couple of times but not for the final 18 months -I was very angry that she was alive and 'wasting a life' when I had lost two friends to cancer that year, both of whom had children the same age as mine. It was a difficult time and I do feel ashamed that I didn't visit her more especially as we had been very close only a couple of years earlier and it wasn't her fault that her heart and will was so much stronger than her mind and body!

If it was me, I wouldn't go and visit your nan and would focus on the happy Christmas memories

I am horrified at the fact you were angry with your grandmother for not dying earlier !!

Unlike this poster I think its important to be with people when they are dying , can you imagine dying all alone , or not knowing you were loved ( or as this poster clearly feels , dying knowing you meant nothing to some people )

I was very close to my nanna - I'd been living overseas for about 4 months when I was told she didn't have long left. I spoke to her over the phone and she told me not to come back or for her funeral as it was too far and too expensive. We said our goodbyes and she passed about four days later. I'm glad I didn't go back as apparently it was an awful time. I said what I needed to say to her and vice versa. I always remember her for how she was.

Only you can make the decision OP. Your mum isn't the right person to make it for you, only for herself. A load of people on MN aren't the right people to make it either. What do you want to do? That's the important question. You can't know whether you will regret it or not before it happens - hindsight would be a wonderful thing if we could have it in advance!

I'm very sorry op.

I agree that it's deeply personal. I regret not going to see mine though we weren't so sure that it was the end. On the other hand I'm glad I don't have to remember her like that and tbh I don't think she would have wanted me to either but if I could turn back the clock, yes, I would go.

I suspect your dp maybe don't want to have to worry about you on top of everything, even though your a grown up they'll still want to protect you. You may be a comfort to them though. Do what you feel in your heart.

Thank you everyone for your replies. Im torn because my mum says there's no point, she wont know your there and it will just be upsetting. But part of me says we don't know if she will know or not. My mum has 2 sisters 1 lives locally the other doesn't. They have both decided it's to much for them. My mum has her partner to go with later. Its so hard because my dad is only a few years younger than my nan big age gap between mum and dad and its alot to take. Especially as my dad hasn't been well in recent years

My lovely MIL died about 4 years ago, of cancer. A couple of months before she died, she was in a hospice, in Southampton, and it was obvious that the end was near. I travelled down from Scotland with ds2 to see her, and we met up with ds1 who was at Reading university. We asked ds3, who was about 17, if he wanted to come too, and after thinking it through, he refused.

He didn’t want to have his last memories of his grandmother to be her so ill and unlike herself, and we respected his choice, just as we respected the choice of the other two, to see her and say their goodbyes.

The reason I am telling this story is that, in the years since her passing, none of the boys have said they wished they had made a different decision. I did worry that ds3 would regret not saying that last goodbye, but he hasn’t - nor do his brothers regret seeing their grandmother.

Unfortunately this means there is no one clear answer to your question, @thecatsarecrazy - unless it is to say you should follow your heart. Do what you feel is best for you, even if that is different to your mum’s decision. I am so sorry you are going through this.

I was in a similar position last year. I regret not going - she may not have known I was there but what if she did? I wish I’d taken the chance to tell her how much I loved her while I still could.

Your mum is protecting you but it is your decision. There is no right or wrong choice but seeing someone you love close to death is upsetting and after a massive stroke she will probably be unresponsive and not know you are there. Strangely she may well already not look like the Gran you know.

Very personal choice! We knew for a while my Nannie was coming to the end with Alzheimer's, I've always visited her regularly and she still knew me. In the last week her nursing home let family stay overnight with her. My brother and I both spent a couple of nights there with her. In the end my mum and auntie were with her when she passed but my brother and I both had the opportunity to spend some time on our own with her and say all we needed to say. She was in and out of unconsciousness but I know she knew we were there. I don't regret spending that last bit of time with her at all, I wanted to spend as much time as possible with her. She was always there for me and I felt it was only right I was there for her.

My nan had a huge stroke at 54 in 1990. She died and Mum said I could see her at the chapel of rest. I declined because i wanted to remember her as she was. I don't regret that and I still miss her and have good memories of her alive.
It's a really personal choice x

As heartless as it sounds, I wish I hadn't gone to see my grandad in intensive care before he died. I would have rather my last memory of him to have been how he was, not all covered in tubes and wires.

I was only 14 though and my dad convinced me to go. Now as an adult, I'm really not sure. If she would know I was there and be comforted by it, then probably yes. If she would have no idea and it would just be upsetting, then probably not.

It has to be your choice, do what you think is roght, I'm sure your nan would understand.

If you think there’s a chance she might know you’re there, and would take comfort from it, I’d be inclined to go. I don’t regret going to see my grandad when he was poorly (though with cancer).
I don’t think you’ll forget her as she was. Maybe you could tell her how lovely it was for you to see her cuddling your son at Christmas? Tell her that and then leave if it’s too upsetting to stay?

Everyone is different. You need to take everyone else and everything out of the mix and decide how you feel about it. Do you want to see her or do you want to keep her in memory like she was? The rest doesn't matter. Make your decision and don't look back. There is no point in second guessing how your future self will think because you make the decision that is right for you now in these circumstances.

My mum said exactly the same to me when my Gran was dying.
I don't regret it and was more than happy to do as my mum asked, she was asking for my benefit

You should make the decision that feels right to you, regardless of what your DM thinks is best. I was with my Nan at the end, a few days before she passed and as she passed. Both times she was 'not with us' yet she absolutely, on both occasions, responded to me being there. She always had a soft spot for me. I take great comfort in that.

However my siblings didn't go and they are also at peace with that. We all made the right decision for us. My DM didn't want any of us there as she was trying to protect us but she was glad I ignored her.

You've brought it all back for me. Sending you . I hope her passing is peaceful.

I don’t think anyone can say for definite that a dying person won’t know you’re there. You just don’t know. Even if they’ve had a stroke, they may very well know you’re there but the stroke prevents them from showing it.

For me, I would have to go and see them one last time. I’ve heard nurses say that they sometimes think patients “hang on” so that they can see all their relatives for a last time before they are happy to let go and die. I’ve heard stories where as soon as the last relative has been in to visit they have relaxed. The relative has left the ward and immediately the patient then dies, as if they were waiting for the moment that they’d seen everyone, but chose not to die in front of them.

I would not want to think that anyone was holding on hoping for a last visit from me, so I would go and see her. It’s the last thing you can for for them really, isn’t it? For anyone. I think it’s a time to put your own feelings aside, prepare yourself mentally and ask the nurses just before you go in what she will appear like/act like and what you should do.

But thst’s just me and of course everyone is different.

I've lost a lot of people, I think you'll regret not saying goodbye.

I was 16 when I had to say goodbye to my grandad. I was terrified, he was just laying there. I didn't know what to say, the hospital had said he had no hope of survival and that he wouldn't make it through the night.

Everyone went in twos, me with my cousin. I just put my hand under his, and said "hi grandad". With that, he squeezed my hand sooooo tight. He could hear me! I didn't say anything to anyone, as I didn't want to get anyone's hopes up, and at 16 I didn't know whether or not it was some sort of spasm. But I remember coming out thinking "he heard me".

My grandad made it through the night, and went on to live another 13 years. He was never the same grandad, but he was alive. He never remembered that day, or anything that happened to him.

So in your position, I would go. Just talk to her, tell her about your day. Who knows if she can hear you. Maybe hearing your voice will give her some comfort.

I didn’t see my Grandma immediately before she died - 30 years on & I remember her as she was the last time I saw her (3 weeks or so earlier) & I think she’d like that better!

My mum had a difficult end to her life, and my dad recommended through tears that I didn't visit and see her in the state she was in. I did as he suggested and stayed away, and while that meant I didn't get to say goodbye, I've never regretted that decision - I have only happy memories of her.

How old are you @thecatsarecrazy ? If you are an adult then I think that you should go and see her, even if it's just briefly.

3 of my grandparents passed away when I was a child, but I was close to my mom's mom and used to visit her weekly as an adult. I was in my early 30's when she passed away and I know I would have regretted if I hadn't said good bye.

I can understand your mom though. I have protected my teenage DS from the recent physical and mental decline of my parents and I'm not sure if I've been right to do this.

I flew from NZ to Australia to hold my nanas hand when she died, she knew I was there.
My other nana was already too far to know we were there by the time I got to hospital but I still drove there and spent the night with my aunts holding her hand

Do what feels right to you

Gran was 93 and had gone into a coma after a brain haemorrhage. She was in bed in her own home and Mum spent the entire time by her side. Mum didn’t want to ‘bother’ me but I went and sat with Gran to give my Mum a break. I held her hand whilst I was there. I don’t know if she knew I was there, she probably didn’t, but in the 22 years since she died I have taken great comfort in the fact that I was there, held her hand and may have given her some comfort in her final hours. The very last thing I could have ever done for her.