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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Will i regret not saying goodbye to my nan?

125 replies

thecatsarecrazy · 09/01/2019 14:22

It's a hard subject so i apologize. My nan was found very ill at the weekend. They believe shes had a massive stroke. She's in hospital but there's nothing they can do and all treatmentHas been withdrawn. Its basically waiting for her to pass now.
My mum has asked me to please not go as it would be to much and just remember her how she was at Christmas. Its a huge shock she is 80 but shes been so well. Im worried if i don't go i will regret it but also know it would be difficult.

OP posts:

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 09/01/2019 18:49

My Gran passed away last year. She had lung cancer and we were told that she wants no grandchildren there because she didn't want us to see her like that. My sister couldn't do it and turned up and saw her and said goodbye (I didn't find out until the funeral). I still regret not going to see her and saying goodbye.

Thisgirlcant · 09/01/2019 18:50

I would go. They say the hearing is the last thing to go so although you may think your grandma can't hear you, you never know. You can't regret going but you could regret not going. The fact you've asked the question shows you want to go, maybe?

I had a dear friend who was dying last year, it was horrible to watch but I needed to be there for him. When I played him his favourite song a tear ran down his face. I like to think he could hear as sad as it was. I said everything I needed to say.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 09/01/2019 18:51

I would go. You might not get another chance.

MarthaArthur · 09/01/2019 18:51

You only get one chance to say goodbye amd have closure. I say go.

Ilnome · 09/01/2019 18:55

My mum has asked that if she were ever in a state beyond help to leave her in the hands of hospital staff - she doesn’t want our last memory of her to be in the hospital. I would think about what your nan would want, if help has been withdrawn the most loving thing you can do is give her a good and respectful death and if this means keeping away then that may br an option you have to explore, but it doesnt mean you don’t love her because just from the way you typed the op it’s obvious you do, wishing ypu all the best xxx

Drogosnextwife · 09/01/2019 18:58

I regret not getting to say goodbye to mine. Circumstances out with my control and I used to visit all the time. I still feel spitful toward the family member that unknowingly stopped me saying goodbye.

JamPasty · 09/01/2019 19:03

I went to see my nan when she was dying in hospital. Yes it was sad, especially as I was a child, but I would have always regretted it had I not gone. It hasn't affected how I remember her at all - yes I can picture her in the hospital bed, but that is far outweighed by all the other memories I have of her. I would go.

Drogosnextwife · 09/01/2019 19:03

Try not to be too upset by what you see. One of my grans and her husband (grandad) died after long suffering dementia, they had stopped eating so we're skeletal, they couldn't put their teen in anymore and by the end could sit up, open their eyes or close their mouths, it was absolutely heart breaking but I have never regretted visiting them like that because they were still my grandparents, and still the people they had always been, only regret not getting to say a proper good bye.

Bertiemcgertie · 09/01/2019 19:06

My lovely Mum passed away 5 weeks ago. She was taken off life support and we kept a bedside vigil for 5 days.

I have no idea if Mum knew I was there or not. She didn't look like my mum anymore which was incredibly hard but I told her I loved her and she had been a wonderful Mum. I stroked her hair, held her hand and was just there for her.

I invited her close friends to see her too. I expect my mum would have liked to have heard their voices.

I think you should go.

Not only to tell her that you love her, but to support your Mum. Keeping a bedside vigil is exhausting. It might mean your mum can have a break to go home and freshen up whilst knowing you're with your Nan.

fuelledbystilton · 09/01/2019 19:07

I spent the last 2 days before my dad died with him and I'm so glad I did. He was quite peaceful but I guess it would be quite different if they were distressed or in pain. I don't just remember him as he was then, though, I've got a whole lifetime of memories of him not just the last time I saw him. I'd go.

ChakiraChakra · 09/01/2019 19:07

I'd go. Last year i found out my friend's mum was in late stages of dying with cancer. She had been brilliant to me as a child. I went, and seeing her SO poorly (no hair, whole body very swollen from treatment, unable to speak really, unsure if she understood who I was) was shocking to me. Now a year on my memories of her are of her in happy times. Sure, I can and do remember that visit, but my main memories of her are of her before illness. I don't regret going.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 09/01/2019 19:08

“My mum has asked that if she were ever in a state beyond help to leave her in the hands of hospital staff - she doesn’t want our last memory of her to be in the hospital. “

I think mums say lots of things to their children in parent mode (even adults) and try to be selfless until the end). But in reality, deep down, as one human to another human as you’re leaving this earth I believe you would like the people you are closest to and most comfortable with to help you through it.

No matter how compassionate a nurse may be it isn’t the same as having someone who loves you there squeezing your hand out of love rather than compassion.

DroningOn · 09/01/2019 19:15

My grandfather died in June 2017, at the time he had terminal cancer but was expected to go on for a few more months.

I'd been up seeing him after work but rushed away to beat the traffic and (and I'm ashamed to admit this) watch something on TV. We said a quick goodbye and I'd said I'd see him at the weekend. He died the following morning and it breaks my heart even now (sitting here with teary eyes) that I'd not taken more time to say goodbye to him properly.

Im not one for milling over things that happened in the past but I think that on my deathbed this might be one of my life's greatest regrets.

Go see your nan, say goodbye and spend some time with her before it's too late.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 09/01/2019 19:16

I do think other cultures have it right when it comes to death and dying. Even the Irish with their wakes, that is so good for closure and processing the death of someone we love or respected.

We are too uptight in the English culture. I say this as a “cold English person” whose opinion was changed when DH’s nan died. I witnessed a different way of doing things. Staunch catholics, everyone visiting the death bed including children just chatting about their day, wake, burial where even the children were offered a handful of Earth to throw in the grave.

I have changed my mind completely. The rituals helped loved ones to process the whole thing.

Jakesmumandbump · 09/01/2019 19:51

I don’t wish to sway you either way, can only speak of personal experience. I visited my Nan in hospital to say goodnight when she died, I was 21 at the time. I’ve lost both my parents since (was with both when they passed away). Grief is a very difficult and long process but I am always comforted that I was with them and said all that I needed to say to them at the end. Nowadays, in my mind I remember them all young, happy and healthy so the last image isn’t the lasting one (though this takes some time to happen). A difficult time for you and your family, wishing all the best.

Vitalogy · 09/01/2019 19:54

CurlyhairedAssassin I've been to one Irish funeral. I agree with what you said about them. It was a comfort and I liked the way it was done.

Lkbbdg · 09/01/2019 19:55

I would go. I didn't and I will regret it for ever.

Kool4katz · 09/01/2019 20:06

My mum had a stroke and was in a coma for several days before she died. I went to visit daily and chatted about everything and nothing to her sleeping body and one day, I felt very tearful and told her I didn't think I could cope without her being around and there was definitely a tear out of one eye so I'm convinced she could hear me.

OP, in your shoes, I'd go and quietly tell her what she means to you.

lily2403 · 09/01/2019 20:07

I would go, as hard as it will be I think you would regret it

user1471426142 · 09/01/2019 20:41

I’ve found it quite comforting that I’ve been able to see three relatives before they died. I wasn’t with any of them on their death beds but I would want to be for parents when the time comes.

For two relatives I’ve been to see the bodies and I found it helpful to talk but to also process that they had gone. That is something to consider if you can’t get there to see her while she’s still alive .

TabbyMumz · 09/01/2019 21:00

In the case of stroke, it is very unlikely she will know you are there. Just remember her as she was before she became ill.

Original poster

thecatsarecrazy · 10/01/2019 10:54

Thank you. Im sat in town now. My mum is up the hospital. 20 min walk. I don't know what to do. I have a little one so obviously wouldn't be able to take him. I keep thinking back 2 when dad was in hospital he had a heart op and my husband was there with him and Legionnaires' disease we were both there. He didn't remember anything other than a nurse offering him water.

OP posts:

puzzledlady · 10/01/2019 10:57

I’m in the same position. I said goodbye to her on Dec 29 last year knowing I’ll never see her alive again, she said goodbye to me and the children knowing she would never see me or them again - that was important to me, to see her alive.

Bluelady · 10/01/2019 11:48

Do what your heart tells you to do. 💐

BunsOfAnarchy · 10/01/2019 11:52

I would go.
When you look back you will still remember her fondly.
Tell her you love her. Thats what i would do.

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