Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Will i regret not saying goodbye to my nan?

125 replies

thecatsarecrazy · 09/01/2019 14:22

It's a hard subject so i apologize. My nan was found very ill at the weekend. They believe shes had a massive stroke. She's in hospital but there's nothing they can do and all treatmentHas been withdrawn. Its basically waiting for her to pass now.
My mum has asked me to please not go as it would be to much and just remember her how she was at Christmas. Its a huge shock she is 80 but shes been so well. Im worried if i don't go i will regret it but also know it would be difficult.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 09/01/2019 14:56

If you put yourself in her place, what would you want? (Not a rhetorical question; genuinely, what would you want?)

AnnieOH1 · 09/01/2019 14:56

For me, I'd rather do something than forever regret not doing it (at least in situations like this). Depending on your spiritual bent of course there's nothing to stop you saying goodbye at the funeral home or similar. [Flowers]

FlyingElbows · 09/01/2019 14:58

My gran went the same way, op, and I chose not to go. It was the right choice for me but only you can decide what's right for you. Flowers

newestbridearound · 09/01/2019 14:58

I am so sorry Flowers I was in a very similar position last summer.
My Nan was also diagnosed as having had a severe stroke, though further tests showed they were wrong and it was a brain tumour which had actually caused a seizure. She was hospitalised upon the collapse and died 3 weeks later.

Like you I was undecided on whether to visit or not. I didn’t want to remember her so poorly and scared of what it would be like. In the end though I did decide to go and I am really glad I did as I am certain I would have regretted not going. I said to her all the things I wanted to and it gave me some closure in being able to say goodbye and hold her hand. I was also surprised at how peaceful she looked.
Only you can decide if it’s right for you but personally I would go.

Tara336 · 09/01/2019 15:00

Imagine being the person that is very ill and loved ones not visiting to save themselves pain. When you look at it from that side it seems quite hurtful. I would go, it may be painful (I have been in your position) but being there is important.

Oopsy41 · 09/01/2019 15:00

I thinks this only a decision you can make. I was there when my lovely grandad passed away and wouldn't have wanted it any other way but my brother chose not to see him as he wanted to remember him how he was. None of us would change our decision, you just have to make the decision that's right for you Flowers

BarbarianMum · 09/01/2019 15:00

I'd go, unless it was hundreds of miles. We are a long time dead.

Blobby10 · 09/01/2019 15:01

I didn't see any of my grandparents in their final days - one grandfather died when I was 10 and had cancer - he didn't want the grandchildren to visit him when he was ill so we could remember him healthy. He died in his sleep before anyone expected it. My grandmother died very peacefully whilst watching TV one evening - I didn't go and see her body.

My other grandfather died in a nursing home when I was expecting my third child. He had Alzheimers and had become very aggressive so was heavily medicated - grandma didn't want us to visit him in the home and he died in his sleep. Grandma was well into her 90s but after several falls, had to move into a nursing home for her final 2 years. I visited her a couple of times but not for the final 18 months -I was very angry that she was alive and 'wasting a life' when I had lost two friends to cancer that year, both of whom had children the same age as mine. It was a difficult time and I do feel ashamed that I didn't visit her more especially as we had been very close only a couple of years earlier and it wasn't her fault that her heart and will was so much stronger than her mind and body!

If it was me, I wouldn't go and visit your nan and would focus on the happy Christmas memories.

Ozgirl75 · 09/01/2019 15:02

My uncle died six years ago. We were close (they had no children) He had cancer and we knew he would go but at the end it came quicker than we expected. I was on a plane on the way to see him and I was too late.

I felt so terrible that I hadn’t gone the weekend before but he knew I was on my way and my aunt said he knew.

There is a level of guilty relief that I last saw him when he was quite well (the cancer progressed very quickly) but still a guilt that I never said a proper goodbye.

It’s a tricky one.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 09/01/2019 15:05

I think you will regret it. I'm sorry but its not your mums call to make. You're a grown women. My dd was 16 when my mum died I wouldn't have dreamed of sheilding her from it.
You probably know but the hearing is the last sense to go, so talk to her about lovely memories you have.
How true this is I couldn't swear to, but I I've heard that theycan still hear a few minutes after death.

OohToBeAah · 09/01/2019 15:05

It's such a personal choice, OP.

As a child and teenager, I was very close to my gran. She practically raised me.
As I got older, I saw her less and less and ultimately wasn't around very much in her last few months because I found it so difficult.
When she passed last year, I found I didn't regret my not being there as much. I have so many memories of her when she was well, and that's how I want to remember her.

Only you know what feels right for you, and you should do thatThanks

CantWaitToRetire · 09/01/2019 15:13

This is such a hugely personal decision. Yes it will undoubtedly be difficult, not just while you are with her, but afterwards too. But....will you regret it if you don't go? I was with my dad at the end and was able to tell him how much I loved him, and that I'd look after mum once he's gone. They say hearing is one of the last things to go, so your nan may still be able to hear your words, even if she can't react to them. Only you can make this decision OP and I wish you the best, however you decide Flowers.

Thewifipasswordis · 09/01/2019 15:17

Go OP. You'll regret it if you don't xx

MrsTommyBanks · 09/01/2019 15:19

I'm so sorry to hear about your Nan Flowers
I lost my Nan in October in similar circumstances and went to see her when she was unresponsive. I stayed with her for three hours. Just holding her hand and telling her I loved her. She died an hour after I left.
In my case it gave me great comfort to know I'd said my goodbyes, and to see that her ending was peaceful. So I would say go.
Seeing her at the end hasn't in anyway detracted from the time I had seen her previously when she was fit and well.

Vitalogy · 09/01/2019 15:23

I know it's not for everyone to be there but I think this is an important part of the grieving process. My spiritual beliefs mean to me that I'd like to be with my loved one if I possibly could when they die.

Vitalogy · 09/01/2019 15:25

*it's not an easy thing to do I know

MrsTommyBanks · 09/01/2019 15:27

Also, when my Mum died 15 years ago I didn't go to see her and I've never stopped regretting it.

GruciusMalfoy · 09/01/2019 15:32

I was able to visit my grandfather the night before he died, it was a quiet peaceful time, and I haven't regretted it. I didn't get the chance when my father died just before it, because his was a sudden death, and that's something which has played on my mind for a long time.

Lepetitpiggy · 09/01/2019 15:39

My mum had a massive stroke in November. we were told she would die very soon so I encouraged the children to go along and see her. My eldest was more than happy to but the younger one was just too scared to see her and didn't go. Amazingly, mum is still going - albeit very very ill, in a home and dying and the youngest has now seen her twice - she is pleased she has but is still sad as her grandmother has no real knowledge of who she is and does look very different. Its a very hard one, but you have to do what you feel is best. Just remember though, all the times you had with he are still there

Briansbathrobe · 09/01/2019 15:48

Sorry to hear about your nan. If I were you, I would go. The same thing happened to me when my nan died and I will always regret not going home. I was living abroad at the time and she had a stroke. My mum told me not to come back as she wouldn't recognise me, and she died a few days later. I didn't go to the funeral either as my mum insisted I didn't need to be there. I wish I could go back in time and do things differently as it makes me so sad now that I didn't go.

HeyArthur · 09/01/2019 15:57

I went and I'm so pleased I did. Yes it was hard but, to be able to say goodbye meant to much to me. My grandad died about 3 hours after I had seen him.

PoisonousSmurf · 09/01/2019 16:00

I wouldn't go. If they are in a coma, I don't get the point in seeing someone dying. That memory will etch itself deep inside your brain. Yes eventually it will be taken over my happy memories, but why put yourself through that?
If I was dying, I wouldn't want everyone sitting around me crying. Dying is a private thing.

Fluffymullet · 09/01/2019 16:02

I would want to be there. That's personal choice and I have lost a lot of close relatives over the last few years. I work in healthcare and have seen a lot of poorly people at the end of life. I think means I'm comfortable in a medical setting, have a realistic idea of what to expect so can focus on seeing the person and saying goodbye. I notice others not used to hospitals/illness are much less inclined to go and tend to be more shocked and distressed by seeing relatives poorly. I can understand why they want to remember them the way they were.

On another note as a family when a relative was poorly a chaplain came to speak to us. I am not religious at all, but she was asking us what our relative was like, what she would do in this scenario and we started sharing stories about her. The relative totally out of it by this point, but It makes me feel emotional now remembering how she was surrounded by all her family sharing happy memories as she left this earth. So it might not be a doom and gloom situation. There can be a lot if comfort in seeing a peaceful death. Sorry you are dealing with this and I hope you make the right decision for you. X

Fanjita1 · 09/01/2019 16:05

I would go. Tell her how amazing she has been and that you are proud to call her your Gran. Wish i had that chance.

ChipsAndKetchup · 09/01/2019 16:07

I was in the same situation. I didn't go.

I've regretted it every day since.

Swipe left for the next trending thread