Will i regret not saying goodbye to my nan?

[thecatsarecrazy]

It's a hard subject so i apologize. My nan was found very ill at the weekend. They believe shes had a massive stroke. She's in hospital but there's nothing they can do and all treatmentHas been withdrawn. Its basically waiting for her to pass now.
My mum has asked me to please not go as it would be to much and just remember her how she was at Christmas. Its a huge shock she is 80 but shes been so well. Im worried if i don't go i will regret it but also know it would be difficult.

my grandmother had a massive stroke in her late 80s and, like your granny, was taken to hospital basically to die, she wasn't going to recover.

I didn't want to see her in hospital but my dad (her son) drove me there after school one day (I didn't know we were going). So my last memory of my granny is in hospital - I won't go into detail but she was such a smartly turned out woman, always, even in her old age, and to have that as my last memory of her - I never really forgave my dad for that.

But maybe is I hadn't seen her I might have regretted that. Who knows. I have other regrets with regards to my granny. But I still wish I hadn't seen her in such circumstances - she didn't know I was there.

I had this exact position once and I didn't go. Don't regret it at all, the stories about my Gran's last few weeks were awful and I'm glad my memories of her were in her good days. I'll never regret that or feel bad, and she wasn't aware of whether I went or not so I don't have any guilt on that side.

But it's a very personal decision and you have to do what is right for you. And whatever decision you make don't beat yourself up over it as there is no right or wrong.

I would go. I think you may regret it if you don't. I saw my gran 30 mins before she passed and I was able to tell her it was ok to go. My dad died suddenly and I only saw him 30 mins after he had died. I will always regret not being able to say farewell to him and whisper him my last words. It's a very personal thing, but personally, I would go.

It's a really personal decision OP. I visited two gps close to death, and I remember how they looked then but it isn't the main memory I have of them, not at all. It's not what I think of when I think of them and that memory doesn't make me sad - I mean I'm sad they died, but that one memory doesn't make it sadder iyswim.

Only you can decide really. I didn't see my DGF before he died so my memories of him are of him alive which is lovely to have without anything else clouding it.

I was there when my DF died and my most recent memories are of him in a hospital bed dying but I don't ever regret being there, I still have memories of him where he wasn't terminally ill but admittedly the hospital comes to mind first.

I also wouldn't decide not to go just because my DM had told me not to and I wanted to say goodbye, you might regret the decision and resent her down the line.

It's not up to your mum. It's up to you.

If you want to go, surely your husband can take the baby for a bit at some point, or could a friend have them for an hour?

In the end it all depends on the individual. People shouldn't be made to feel 'guilty' about not seeing someone when they are dying but not really able to respond.
I suppose that I have a phobia of seeing close friends and family like that. Had a horrific few years between 2010 and 2015, where my MIL died, then the next year my mum died.
Then my uncle and then finally my wonderful grandparents (both in their 90s).
So a funeral every year!
Also my late mum put the fear of seeing dying people in my head, as she was forced to sit with her dying grandma back in the late 40s and then had to go and stay up all night with an open coffin (wake) as a child!
She always talked about it and how much it affected her.
I did sit with my mum for two days in the hospital, but it was on a busy ward and listening to the heart monitor dropping and then racing has basically made me freak out about dying people.
They only moved her to a private room when they knew she was going to 'go'.
No dignity

I went. It was very hard. In the end I was with her and held her while she died. That was both a huge, huge privilege but also something I dream about and have upsetting flashbacks to. 6 months later though I'm starting to remember her more as she 'was.' But although it was very hard I'm so glad I could be there as she told me once that she didn't want to 'go alone.' Mum didn't want me to go but I know I did the right thing for me, and that's all you can do.

@PoisonousSmurf is spot on - it depends on the individual, and no-one should be criticised or made to feel bad for making the decision that is right for them.

As I said earlier, ds3 made the choice not to see his grandmother in the hospice - he preferred to remember her as she had been the last time she visited us - when she was ill, but still active and still 'her' - and that was absolutely the right decision for him.

I thought it was important to offer him the opportunity to see her, but there was no pressure on him, and we respected his decision.

We don't know whether they know we are there or not. Err on the side of caution and presume you are bringing comfort.

My DC didn't see their grandma as she was unrecognisable and they were only young teens. But me and my siblings stayed with her. She died when we left for the evening. Some think that the dying can choose to let go when they're left. I'm glad I went.

But as an adult, I think you should go.

I think you should go. You don't have to stay if you find it too upsetting, but you may regret it if you don't.

It’s so personal. DHs Grandfather has dementia and when he got really bad and didn’t recognise anybody or anything anymore, he opted to not see him anymore as he wanted to remember him how he was. By the time he died, he hadn’t seen him for a few years. In contrast, my grandmother died recently after a long illness and I knew I had to see her one last time. It was traumatic to see her like she was but I am glad I did.

No one can tell you what the right thing to do is. You just need to do what’s right for you. I’m sorry

My nan died in 2016. I saw her as often as I could as I knew she would do the same for me. It was hard seeing her on the day she died, she was heavily sedated and didn't look like my wonderful nan at all but that isn't how I remember her at all. I've got a lifetime of wonderful memories to draw upon and don't think of the bad ones very often.

I would go to say goodbye.

Even though I'm 34 years old my parents try to protect me from everything. When my nan was on her deathbed during the night they didn't contact me until after she'd passed away about 10am the next morning. They took that decision away from me, ive been angry with them ever since about it and felt alot of guilt because I was very close to my nan

I didn't go myself as I wanted to remember my grandmother at home (she had been unwell for 6 months so not a shock but I was on holiday when she deteriorated fast). It's a very personal thing, some take comfort from holding their hand one last time, for me though I wanted to remember her smiling.

My great nan had a stroke and was unconscious in hospital for two weeks before she passed.They kept her comfortable but withdrew treatment much in your nan's case. I saw her once at the beginning and she just looked like her. I then went to see her almost two weeks later and was shocked at the difference in her appearance. She had got very thin and didn't look like her. However I'm still glad I went to say goodbye.

I think you have to weigh up how you feel, how your Mum feels and think about how you would be affected by her appearance.

My 9 year old daughter said goodbye to her beloved nanny (my mum) a few months ago.

I know even though she is a young child, that it was absolutely the right thing for me to give my daughter the choice of whether or not she wanted to say goodbye to her nan or remember her as she was. I told her that nanny looked very poorly and probably only had a few days left. She was still fairly conscious at this point.

My daughter was adamant she wanted to see her. They blew me away how brave they both were in acknowledging she was dying and both saying to each other how much they loved each other and how much they meant to each other. They both hugged and cried over each other and it was one of the most beautiful, loving moments I've ever had the privilege to witness.

Its a very personal decision. I spent a lot of time with my nan when I was growing up, she was quite a young nan, her youngest child was very close to us in age, more brother than uncle, so our two households were very close.
She had a long decline through dementia so she stopped recognising anyone long before her death. I went to say goodbye to her in hospital when we thought she had days to live, she then rallied and lasted another 2 years before going very peacefully in her sleep but we weren't expecting it imminently so none of the family were there. I felt I had said goodbye to her in that visit at the hospital, I also saw her in the funeral home which I found more difficult, but I'm glad I did.
There are other ways to say goodbye, other than the funeral. Maybe go to a special place and remember her?
My nan has been gone for about 10 years now. I have a photo taken of her, my mum, me and my younger brother taken in about 1972/3 in Harlech where we had many family holidays. Last year I took my 14 year old to Harlech. He is adopted and never knew her. We took the photo, found the spot and took another photo. It was a special moment, thinking back to happy times, she would have been about the age I am now in the photo.

So many ways to remember them

When my DGF was dying I was 18, and I defied my DF (it was my mum's dad dying not his) and took a taxi to the hospital to sit with him and my mum. No one was going to sit with him overnight and he was very close by this point, and so my mum went back alone (he had 3 daughters) I couldn't think of her sat there with no support at such a time and that was the last time I spoke with him because he lost consciousness that morning and died later that day. But I did ask my mum before I went, because she may have wanted to be alone with him.
With my nan, like yours she had a massive stroke, and my mum called me from the hospital. We swapped over while she went to get my brother and sister from school and tell them, and I sat with my nan all afternoon/evening and left around midnight. She died about 10 minutes before we got to the hospital the next morning. I was gutted she was alone, but the nurses said they'd been to make her comfortable and a wash etc and had told her we were on the way, they popped back literally minutes later and she'd gone, I think if she did have any control over it, she chose to 'go' alone, she was a bit like that in life. I could almost hear her say "Well what good would it have done? You couldn't do anything! Who wants to see that!"
I'm glad I saw them both before they died, coming from a step family I technically had 6 grandparents, I have one GP left now. I only saw my DMs parents before they died - i was closest to them but I feel guilty that I didn't see any of the others.
It's such a personal decision, I would gently check with your DM if she is trying to protect you, or if she wants to be alone with her DM first.

I was in your position this Christmas. Nan had gone rapidly downhill. My DM also advised me not to travel (5hr journey) as it she was suffering badly and to remember her as she was. I mulled it over for the day and concluded she was right. What also coloured my decision was that I'd spent last Xmas Eve with my dying father in law and couldn't face doing it again and also leaving my DH when he was facing the anniversary of his fathers death and my DS at Xmas.

I do feel a bit sad that I didn't see her one last time, as she'd perked up and was conscious for a day before passing away way hours of Xmas Eve, but I would have missed that window of her consciousness anyway and only have memories of her healthy. Funeral is next week so I may feel differently then.

Sorry for what you're going through

I was unable to go be with my Nana in hospital after her aneurysm in the day it took for her to pass. I live in america and she was back in the UK. So my.Mum yeld the phine up so I could talk to her, share how much I love her and how huge of an impact she has had on my life and let her know i will always love her, but it was ok for her to go now and we would be ok. She passed a few hours later. It broke my heart, but I am quite glad I didn't go to the hospital ad for me it is almost as though she is still there, in her house as I last saw it and her. Also if I had been there i woyld have had to support my family in their grief, rather than focussing on my own raw pain. It would have been far more stressful to see them all.

I haven’t read the whole thread so this may have been said but there is a middle option.

When my granny was expected to die that day there was no practical way I could get there in time. Instead my aunt held the phone up to her ear and I said how much I loved her and thank you and goodbye. I don’t know how much she heard as she was only half conscious but I’m glad I got to say it. As I didn’t visit her, I don’t have bad memories of her in that state - I know she would have hated me to see her like that, she was proud, in a good way.

I was in a similar situation with my own gran although she lingered on for 4 months til she had another stroke. I made the decision after the second stroke not to see her again. She was completely unresponsive and even after the first stroke she was not the Gran I had known and loved any more in any way. I am comfortable with my decision. It would have been for me not her if I’d gone and I didn’t feel I needed to go and wanted to remember her how she was x

I went to see my nan in her last days at the hospital with my daughter who was 7 months old at the time. She was really out of it in all honesty, but when she heard that my daughter was there she reached out and squeezed her hand. It wasn't nice for me to see my beloved nanny slipping away obviously but I think it meant a lot for her to have her family around her and hopefully gave her some comfort in those final days.

I’d go.
My GM had cancer and I knew that there was the possibility that she would never recover. She was admitted into hospital for a couple of days and I went to see her. She looked so tiny. But we chatted away and when it was time to leave I said I’d bring my daughter next time for her to show off to the ladies in the other beds in the ward- if she hadn’t been discharged, I absolutely thought she would be.
2 days later my dad called to say she died the day before.
He, my uncles and their children had all been there with my grandad when my GM passed but they hadn’t called me to say goodbye as they had the others. I was by far the closest to her.
I’ll never forgive myself- or them- for not saying goodbye. I found grieving impossibly difficult. I still can’t look at photos of her now as I feel so so guilty for not being there and she died 12 years ago.

It’s your choice, but I would go.