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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU?? Partner living in my house for free but it's crippling me financially

608 replies

Moneys2Tight2Mention · 09/01/2019 09:39

This may be long!!!!

I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but the reaction I have received from my boyfriend makes me feel like I have been!

I live in a mortgaged (interest only – this is relevant) house. The deposit was given to me by my parents and I cover all bills/mortgage etc. I went through a really tough time last year and my boyfriend of three months ended up staying over a lot. That has gone from “staying over a lot” to never actually going home and he has lived in the property rent free for the best part of a year now. He used to live with (and is officially registered at) his parents rent-free at their large house. I have never asked for a penny in rent etc and I have actually said to him on occasion when he has offered me a token gesture that it costs me the same whether he’s there or not and I don’t want his money.

He is very generous with me, when we go out he pays for absolutely everything. He often picks up dinner etc on the way home and I rarely have to pay for any food shopping. We have a good social life and are always out and about, he will rarely let me pay for anything despite the fact that I insist on occasion! He is self-employed and takes home a good wage. He puts a lot of money into savings every month.

Recently I have had an increase in outgoings elsewhere in my life. My work have also cut my hours and it’s got to the point where I am struggling financially. Yesterday I wrote down all of my outgoings and realised that they total a lot more than my take home wage therefore I am cutting into savings every month just to get by.

I had a conversation with him about this last night, I worked out that all in the house costs me £1200 a month (interest only mortgage and bills) and asked him for a small amount of money (suggested £100 a week) to help me out so I’m not always dipping into savings every month.

What ensued was really surprising to me!! He said that essentially he didn’t want to hand over money like that as he would be “paying off my mortgage” (interest only for the record – however he did not know this) for me. He threw back in my face that I always said that it costs the same to have him here than to not, and that he could just live at home for free so why would he pay me rent. He also said that if he paid me £100 a week and we had an argument, that he wouldn’t be entitled to anything back and would have essentially “lost” that money and be “throwing it away”.

I explained that my house is actually on an interest only mortgage as that’s all I can afford currently, so I am essentially not paying off my mortgage either, however have been “throwing away” £1200 for the pair of us to have a roof over our heads for the last year. I said that even if he gave me £100 tomorrow, he would have still had a year of “free living” from me so would no way be out of pocket. He also said he didn’t want to rent so that he could save money every month for “our future” – which is very well and good however I am draining my savings just so that he can live rent-free… I am going into the red every month whilst he furnishes his savings account.

We argued back and forth about this for about an hour and in the end he begrudgingly agreed to pay me the £100 a month. I can tell he’s unhappy about this and I am therefore unhappy about this too. There’s a huge elephant in the room today and we both have a bitter taste in our mouths and a sense of unfairness.

AIBU??? Should I just ask him for half the bills instead?

Thanks all

OP posts:
TeachesOfPeaches · 09/01/2019 12:37

If he starts paying your mortgage he could have a claim on your property when you sell OP. It's actually better for you for him to contribute in other ways. However, if this isn't working he can go back to his parents.

Claw001 · 09/01/2019 12:39

No he doesn't spend £800 a month on socialising. We don't do a "weekly food shop" as I work mainly evenings and normally eat at work. But yes, he will pay for me if we go out for a meal etc and will pick up dinner on the way home for the nights that I am at home etc.

I didn’t say £800 on socialising! You stated he pays for all the food shop. He pays for regularly eating out. You said you go out often socialising. You said he pays for ‘everything’ else, apart from contributing to your £1,200.

I asked you how much do you think it costs him roughly and you said you didn’t know, but not £1,200. I estimated approx £800. Even if it’s £600, he is paying half of the £1,200! Even if it’s not £600, he is still contributing. You were happy with this arrangement. You are now not happy with it!

Not knowing how much he actually does contribute and only knowing how much you contribute, seems to me a bad way to have a discussion about finances and asking him to contribute more!

brassbrass · 09/01/2019 12:40

Yes £100 a week is nothing. Try finding a house share that cheap. If you're effectively living together he should be sharing the costs otherwise trot back to parents and let them pick up the bill. You are under valuing yourself and the roof you provide over his head!

Original poster
Moneys2Tight2Mention · 09/01/2019 12:43

Yes I was happy as I could previously afford it. Things change.

The difference is, I have suggested that he stop paying for all the "treats" and pay towards my house instead. How is a fancy meal helping me when I am struggling to keep a roof over our heads?

I suggested £100 a week, it's not the amount of money that seems to be the issue, it's the fact he doesn't want to "pay off my mortgage" and would rather take me out instead. But I don't necessarily want to be taken out, I'd rather him use that money to ease my stress!

OP posts:
Whatsnewpussyhat · 09/01/2019 12:45

Cocklodger.

He is using you to save his money for HIS future, not yours.

Earning 3 or 4 times what you do but not wanting to pay rent. He needs to grow up. Of course he'll play the hero paying for the odd night out or food because that's a damn sight cheaper than paying his share of living costs. If roles were reversed, would he let you live with him for free?

Tbh. I couldn't stay with someone like that. He has shown his true colours. Bet if you had kids his money would still be all his.

Putitdownnow · 09/01/2019 12:45

Op, seriously, you need to stop and think before having children with someone like this. Your other half is meant to want the best for you (and vice versa). He isn't doing that now and is a freeloader.

Tread carefully. Very carefully.

NoFucksImAQueen · 09/01/2019 12:45

yes but claw op has already said he would probably still spend the same but putting it towards the house instead of paying for her to socialise so why does he care? it's not like it would be costing him any more.
op didn't stop being happy with it, circumstances changed and now she is struggling to live. surely any decent partner wouldn't want to see their other half struggle each month when they can help for the same money they happily already spend each month any way

BishopBrennansArse · 09/01/2019 12:46

Cocklodger. Kick him out.

Didiusfalco · 09/01/2019 12:48

He doesn’t sound like a good one op. If I earned 3/4x what my partner did and they were struggling whilst I lived rent free I would want to help them. It speaks volumes that you’ve had to force him into this. Given that you’re not married the savings are all his and the talk that it’s for your future, is just that - talk. Given his attitude to paying money towards the house I would be under no illusions that he views you separately and not as a team.

Rosieandmai · 09/01/2019 12:48

He’s a man-child!

NewerMoreBoringNameFor2019 · 09/01/2019 12:49

Don’t let him pay anything towards your house. He could potentially have a claim on it in the future if you were to split.

He should be paying half of all bills though. If he begrudges that then he’s obviously a freeloading cocklodging twat.

cstaff · 09/01/2019 12:50

So he likes to play the big man and pay for meals and drinks etc but when it comes to real life i.e mortgage, bills and everything that goes with it he is not happy to contribute. Not a good sign OP.

Let him get his own place and see how much socialising he can afford along with saving for a house.

FrenchJunebug · 09/01/2019 12:54

Forget about asking him to pay for the mortgage BUT he lives with you, uses water, gas, electricity, Netflix, Spotify and Broadband and should pay for half of those. If I was you I would do a spreadsheet for those costs and ask him to pay half. How could he then argue that he is throwing money out.

Karigan195 · 09/01/2019 12:54

Actually I think it’s important that he DOES NOT pay a sum that could be considered as going towards the house.

Sit down together and work out the cost of food, water and electricity then split that 50/50 and ask for that amount.

If he is paying any amount that could be deemed to be towards the house you might be permitting him to develop an ‘interest’ in it. I happened to see an article in the guardian or telegraph about this whilst I was negotiating the same with my partner. My partner only gives £150 a month in money but picks up food shopping including for animals which comes to about another £150 more.

Claw001 · 09/01/2019 12:54

OP also told him he has had a year of ‘free living’ and ‘living rent free’ which isn’t true! He was contributing half, if not more of the £1,200, just in a way, the OP is no longer happy with!

I totally understand the OP would now like for him to contribute in a different way, which he should do. However, I can see why he might be pissed off at OP calling him a free loader and why he might be a bit reluctant to help pay her mortgage!!

He has not been living ‘rent free’, he has been contributing in a way, the OP was previously very happy with!!

Collidascope · 09/01/2019 12:56

It sounds like going from his parents to yours hasn't given him much idea of the boring basics of life. He wants to spend in the good stuff that he can enjoy, not the boring crap like hot water and electricity. I'd be very curious to know what he's like about housework. You say he 'picks up dinner' for you which sounds to me like he picks up a take out or a ready meals or something. Does he ever cook you a basic tea?
Also you mention he talk about saving for "your future". Have you actually discussed your future? Buying somewhere together? Combining finances? Marrying?

Fanjita1 · 09/01/2019 12:58

£100 cash?! What a twat.

Ambs81 · 09/01/2019 13:00

Its a weird one.
I don't think it unreasonable to ask £100 pw BUT i also think you're laying the blame of your changing financial circumstances at your boyfriends door.

PoshPenny · 09/01/2019 13:00

Time for him to sling his hook and grow up. You'll be better off without him in your life.

FlippinNora1 · 09/01/2019 13:01

This has made me feel quite sad for you. You have told him you are struggling financially and his reaction is to begrudgingly give you a pretty small amount compared to his earnings. That is awful. Would he be happy to sit back, watch you struggle, see you have to scrimp, even see you lose your house? Whilst he is there squirrelling away his extra cash for his your future?

It’s lovely that he treats you, does all these nice things. That is the easy part of a relationship. Where people show their true colours is when things get a bit tough. He has really let you down by not offering you financial or emotional support, both of which he should be able to give.

Nanny0gg · 09/01/2019 13:01

But going out and socialising isn't a bill. It's a bonus.

If they don't go out so much he can pay his share. What's left for both of them goes towards a social life.

HappilyHarridan · 09/01/2019 13:02

When I moved in with my partner I didn’t pay rent. I bought almost all the food, and paid the council tax but that was it. I wasn’t a cocklodger, but I knew that if I paid ‘rent’ it would create a landlord/tenant relationship which neither of us wanted. All those saying £100 a week is cheap for a house share, it’s not that cheap if you have no tenancy agreement, no legal right to occupy the property and have to share a bedroom with the landlord!

Original poster
Moneys2Tight2Mention · 09/01/2019 13:05

Claw, I haven't called him a freeloader at all. I would expect him to never want to speak to me again if I had, as I have previously mentioned, he is very generous in other ways.

The issue remains that he hasn't paid me any rent, so therefore has lived rent-free.

OP posts:
SanFranBear · 09/01/2019 13:06

Sorry OP but I have to agree with a lot of PP's...

I just cannot conceive of earning even double (let alone three or four times) what my partner earns and not contributing. What sort of mindset thinks that's ok? Your proposal isn't even moving things to 50/50 - it's still horribly out of balance if you're also going to start splitting the 'treats'?

It's easy to say from behind a screen but I would seriously rethink your relationship because for him not to even twig that things are incredibly tight (less hours at work, your personal circumstances changing) and not offering to chip in, is just so selfish.

YAN even remotely U Flowers

Claw001 · 09/01/2019 13:07

I totally agree socialising, eating out, paying for ‘everything’ apart from bills (although all food shopping is a bill! Is not a bill, but it still costs money! Money which the OP was previously more than happy or him to spend in that way, instead of on bills!

However, to then sit down and tell him YOUR outgoings, how he has been a freeloader for a year, is totally unfair!!