AIBU?? Partner living in my house for free but it's crippling me financially

[Moneys2Tight2Mention]

This may be long!!!!

I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but the reaction I have received from my boyfriend makes me feel like I have been!

I live in a mortgaged (interest only – this is relevant) house. The deposit was given to me by my parents and I cover all bills/mortgage etc. I went through a really tough time last year and my boyfriend of three months ended up staying over a lot. That has gone from “staying over a lot” to never actually going home and he has lived in the property rent free for the best part of a year now. He used to live with (and is officially registered at) his parents rent-free at their large house. I have never asked for a penny in rent etc and I have actually said to him on occasion when he has offered me a token gesture that it costs me the same whether he’s there or not and I don’t want his money.

He is very generous with me, when we go out he pays for absolutely everything. He often picks up dinner etc on the way home and I rarely have to pay for any food shopping. We have a good social life and are always out and about, he will rarely let me pay for anything despite the fact that I insist on occasion! He is self-employed and takes home a good wage. He puts a lot of money into savings every month.

Recently I have had an increase in outgoings elsewhere in my life. My work have also cut my hours and it’s got to the point where I am struggling financially. Yesterday I wrote down all of my outgoings and realised that they total a lot more than my take home wage therefore I am cutting into savings every month just to get by.

I had a conversation with him about this last night, I worked out that all in the house costs me £1200 a month (interest only mortgage and bills) and asked him for a small amount of money (suggested £100 a week) to help me out so I’m not always dipping into savings every month.

What ensued was really surprising to me!! He said that essentially he didn’t want to hand over money like that as he would be “paying off my mortgage” (interest only for the record – however he did not know this) for me. He threw back in my face that I always said that it costs the same to have him here than to not, and that he could just live at home for free so why would he pay me rent. He also said that if he paid me £100 a week and we had an argument, that he wouldn’t be entitled to anything back and would have essentially “lost” that money and be “throwing it away”.

I explained that my house is actually on an interest only mortgage as that’s all I can afford currently, so I am essentially not paying off my mortgage either, however have been “throwing away” £1200 for the pair of us to have a roof over our heads for the last year. I said that even if he gave me £100 tomorrow, he would have still had a year of “free living” from me so would no way be out of pocket. He also said he didn’t want to rent so that he could save money every month for “our future” – which is very well and good however I am draining my savings just so that he can live rent-free… I am going into the red every month whilst he furnishes his savings account.

We argued back and forth about this for about an hour and in the end he begrudgingly agreed to pay me the £100 a month. I can tell he’s unhappy about this and I am therefore unhappy about this too. There’s a huge elephant in the room today and we both have a bitter taste in our mouths and a sense of unfairness.

AIBU??? Should I just ask him for half the bills instead?

Thanks all

Oh.. and:

£1,200 OP paying out
£600 (Claws example of) BF paying out

That makes £1800 - so half of this is £900 so BF would still be £300 short - which is not much less than what OP is asking for.. so no - he's not paying his share and OP is unhappy. He's not paying his share, full stop!

What I think he isn’t getting is that on an interest only mortgage, you are renting money instead of renting an actual property. When properties go up in price, you benefit from the increase in value. But that is not the case right now and probably won’t have been the case for the past year when you first got together. Therefore any contribution he makes is right now the equivalent of rent and dead money and he should view it as such.

If he cannot get his head around helping his partner out then, you are right, he is not a keeper.

I do hope that you can get a new mortgage with your reduced income. The rules have become a lot more stringent in the wake of the 2008 crash.

I also think it wasn’t a bad idea of a pp for him to buy into the property and perhaps have a tenancy common (where you own proportionate shares) if he can’t raise the full amount. In the event of a split, would your parents lend you a little more to get the house in order and sell it or a lodger or two?

Claw001
Your posts have consistently stuck out. You’ve slowly increased the amount you’ve decided ops dp is dishing out. You thought he was not a cocklodger and paying his half when it was suggested by another poster he was spending £600 and the op £1200. Now I’m not a maths whizz but I can work it out that £600 is half of £1200 and therefore man earning 3-4 times the amount of the op is contributing a quarter of the overall funds. Ie pocket change for him and I’m failing to see how you can think that’s fair. Then when you didn’t get the desired response you upped it to £800, invented a dialogue making out op was being unreasonable.

So if he gives you money and you split up he's thrown all his money away, but if you let him live rent free and split up, I presume he keeps all of his squirrelled away pot? How fair.

Wow! How many bedrooms and bathrooms does your property have? How much, at market rates, could you charge for use of those rooms and bathrooms?

There's your answer. Now go get some lovely non-freeloading lodgers, and start developing better boundaries, or you'll end up in a similar situation as you are in now...

The business of him paying when they got out is such a bright flashing red herring I'm surprised people can't see it. (It'll actually be won't rather than can't.)

By paying for this, he gets to play the big look-at-generous-me while not shouldering his financial responsibilities at home. But the OP would rather he not do performative generosity, and instead they cut back the socialising, and that he pays a fair share at home instead.

Get rid OP.

I don't understand people on here who say he shouldn't pay rent. Anyone who pays rent is paying off someone's mortgage, whether it's their landlord's or their parents'. Why should this guy say, in effect, "I'm not paying towards anyone's mortgage unless it's someone I don't know"?

OP, he's used to living for free and spending his money where he wants. He wants savings. So do we all. He wants you to be like his mum and keep him for nothing. Sure, he's prepared to buy some food, just as I'm sure he buys his mum a bunch of flowers occasionally. What he's not prepared to do is to live like an adult.

For that reason you should tell him to move out.

I just cannot conceive of earning even double (let alone three or four times) what my partner earns and not contributing. What sort of mindset thinks that's ok? Your proposal isn't even moving things to 50/50 - it's still horribly out of balance if you're also going to start splitting the 'treats'?

But it isn;t his house! He has no rights to be there. No security. Nothing.

If this was a women wanting to move in wiht her BF and he was on about charging her 'rent' MN would be up in arms about her lack of security.

It isn't his fault you earn less money now. It is quite a new relationship. Not really at the "you need it support me because I am a woman and deserve it" stage yet.

He would simply be paying £100 a week to live as "rent" to me which would help.

But by paying you "rent" he would be paying your mortgage and I don't think that's fair if he's not on the mortgage. You seem to want the best of both worlds on that front (him paying you but not having a claim)

Have you tried sitting down and working out all of your outgoings including what he currently contributes and splitting it that way? I really think you need to leave out the mortgage though.

Just get a lodger if you nee the money, and ask him to move back into his parents. Save the heart ache.

I don't see why he should be held responsible for your shitty financial position.

"The issue remains that he hasn't paid me any rent, so therefore has lived rent-free."

Hmm. You havent paid for food though, so hes been paying an amount of rent-in-kind, surely? If he wasnt buying it, you would have to spend money on food that you are not currently spending, that money is going on the mortgage instead.
If he paid the money he spends on food on rent instead, you would then have to spend some of the money you spend on bills on food instead...

He's happy to pay for all the fun stuff and to stuff his gob but doesn't want to grow up and pay rent or bills. His attitude stinks. Get rid. He's shown you who he is.

The 100/wk being the equivalent of x y z is irrelevant - he pays his way outside the mortgage and if he does go back to parents or rents elsewhere op is still up shit creek. Its unfair of her to expect him to bail her out so she can keep her house and he has no claim to it.

Its unfair of her to expect him to bail her out so she can keep her house and he has no claim to it.

This.

Jesus wept! Some people will do anything for a pair of trousers. He's a gaslighting, spoilt brat twat who needs to go back to his Ma's. He's a dosser. You are chasing your own tail on this thread. You asked, he gave you an answer. So you tell him to get out. Get another job for extra money, do up your place and take in a lodger.

Right now, you are paying to keep a boyfriend. That's pitiful.

"The difference is, I have suggested that he stop paying for all the "treats" and pay towards my house instead. How is a fancy meal helping me when I am struggling to keep a roof over our heads?"

He pays for the things that are fun for him. He is thinking about himself only.

This may be unpopular but he isn't freeloading on you. You say he never lets you pay for meals/drinks when you go out, often picks up dinner etc. If you want him to pay I think its a commitment conversation... why not move in and this can be your home and then he can pay his share of bills? You add up a couple of meals and picking bits up and hes probably paying £200 a month anyway.

Yes, as I have mentioned a few times now, I have sat down with him and explained my situation with all the outgoings written down. I didn't even ask for the money at first, as I found it quite awkward given that I have always said to him that I didn't want any money from him (I KNOW that I shouldn't have said this, but at the time he was an enormous support to me and I wanted him with me). I actually asked if he could take a look over ALL my monthly expenditure and see if he could see anywhere that I could cut back.

I also said that we should do less socialising and entertaining and stay in more and cook etc so that "we" had more money to help with the house and bills (this was a bit of a hint, as he usually pays for these things as I've stated). Obviously he was like "yeah but I pay for that don't I babe".

Which then led us onto exploring lots of other options... ie me getting a smaller place, doing up the rooms and renting them out, getting a second job, etc etc.

Which is when I asked whether he would be able to contribute at all. I was very sensitive about it, as everyone is skint in January, so I was very much asking if he could afford anything at all at first. It was the reaction that is the problem, not the money so much.

My £600, £800 or more or less have been examples! As I also said I’m not understanding the numerous ‘free loader’ posts!

OP and BF had an arrangement, where he paid for ‘everything else’ apart from bills (with the exception of food shop) They were both happy with this arrangement.

OP understandable now wants this to change and is totally not unreasonable in this respect.

It is unreasonable to have a discussion which only involves one persons outgoings and to call them a freeloader, despite their contributions, which you were more than happy with and then ask them to help pay your mortgage!

He has agreed to pay the extra £100 per week. My point is I can understand why he was unhappy following their discussion!

Honestly, OP?

I think you both need to sit down and have a brutal discussion about where your relationship is going. What happened if you lost your job? Would he still expect you to sub him, then? What happens if you get pregnant? Maternity pay is low and nursery costs are high.

Either he is part of a couple with you, in which case he pays 50% of the bills. Or he is not. In which case he should go home and you can economize on utilities and council tax.

Bills include the mortgage - if he were renting, he would still need to pay that cost. I did so when I first moved in with my (then) boyfriend and we arranged for my name to be on the mortgage after marriage. If he would rather spend his cash on a house, he is welcome to buy one, independently of you.

Its unfair of her to expect him to bail her out so she can keep her house and he has no claim to it.

All well and good if they were strangers but they've been in a relationship for a while, living together and apparently have a 'future'. At any rate he is costing her extra by being there so him moving out will not worsen her situation if anything some of her costs will go down.

How do basic bills and an interest only mortgage but no food add up to £1200 pm . Is there any scope to reduce any of these?

If he's paying for all the food, nights out and leisure activities, then he is contributing, and it sounds like he's paying quite a bit. So if things are unaffordable, would reducing basic bills and going out less help with your finances?

And for the record, I haven't once said he's freeloading, another poster suggested that I have said that, but I have NOT and don't even think that!

Even if your mortgage is interest only, check with your mortgage provider and see if you can get a better deal. I recently did this and my interest only mortgage went from £495 p/m to £265 p/m, and it was done quickly and online. Worth checking!

If the relationship is serious and they have a future he should have a proper stake in the property for his cash. He perhaps should also be asked if he is happy in that home long term and wants to put money into it or if they should sell and buy somewhere together?

I think the trouble is that you are seeing you as a couple living together and he is seeing himself with a girlfriend, officially living at home and stopping over at yours which has slid into longer as time has gone on.

You are viewing your relationship differently and you need a conversation on your relationship first and foremost. If you do officially start to live together then that is when the finances should be put on a more formal footing.

At the moment he is a generous boyfriend who treats you. You want to make things more serious. He's had a gut reaction against that. You need to communicate. At the moment you are asking him to supplement your actual living costs and if he complies then that is a favour rather than a need - until living together is on a more formal setting.