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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU?? Partner living in my house for free but it's crippling me financially

608 replies

Moneys2Tight2Mention · 09/01/2019 09:39

This may be long!!!!

I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but the reaction I have received from my boyfriend makes me feel like I have been!

I live in a mortgaged (interest only – this is relevant) house. The deposit was given to me by my parents and I cover all bills/mortgage etc. I went through a really tough time last year and my boyfriend of three months ended up staying over a lot. That has gone from “staying over a lot” to never actually going home and he has lived in the property rent free for the best part of a year now. He used to live with (and is officially registered at) his parents rent-free at their large house. I have never asked for a penny in rent etc and I have actually said to him on occasion when he has offered me a token gesture that it costs me the same whether he’s there or not and I don’t want his money.

He is very generous with me, when we go out he pays for absolutely everything. He often picks up dinner etc on the way home and I rarely have to pay for any food shopping. We have a good social life and are always out and about, he will rarely let me pay for anything despite the fact that I insist on occasion! He is self-employed and takes home a good wage. He puts a lot of money into savings every month.

Recently I have had an increase in outgoings elsewhere in my life. My work have also cut my hours and it’s got to the point where I am struggling financially. Yesterday I wrote down all of my outgoings and realised that they total a lot more than my take home wage therefore I am cutting into savings every month just to get by.

I had a conversation with him about this last night, I worked out that all in the house costs me £1200 a month (interest only mortgage and bills) and asked him for a small amount of money (suggested £100 a week) to help me out so I’m not always dipping into savings every month.

What ensued was really surprising to me!! He said that essentially he didn’t want to hand over money like that as he would be “paying off my mortgage” (interest only for the record – however he did not know this) for me. He threw back in my face that I always said that it costs the same to have him here than to not, and that he could just live at home for free so why would he pay me rent. He also said that if he paid me £100 a week and we had an argument, that he wouldn’t be entitled to anything back and would have essentially “lost” that money and be “throwing it away”.

I explained that my house is actually on an interest only mortgage as that’s all I can afford currently, so I am essentially not paying off my mortgage either, however have been “throwing away” £1200 for the pair of us to have a roof over our heads for the last year. I said that even if he gave me £100 tomorrow, he would have still had a year of “free living” from me so would no way be out of pocket. He also said he didn’t want to rent so that he could save money every month for “our future” – which is very well and good however I am draining my savings just so that he can live rent-free… I am going into the red every month whilst he furnishes his savings account.

We argued back and forth about this for about an hour and in the end he begrudgingly agreed to pay me the £100 a month. I can tell he’s unhappy about this and I am therefore unhappy about this too. There’s a huge elephant in the room today and we both have a bitter taste in our mouths and a sense of unfairness.

AIBU??? Should I just ask him for half the bills instead?

Thanks all

OP posts:
mirialis · 09/01/2019 12:03

So you've been living together the best part of a year and you are only 30. The timing on all this is good - either he steps up and says, ok, let's buy somewhere together (if that's what you want too), I'll go halves on everything but the mortgage... or you chalk this up to experience, get rid of him, and give yourself time to meet the right person.

RogersVideo · 09/01/2019 12:04

This man is not a good catch.

mirialis · 09/01/2019 12:04

If it's the second option and you think it actually is heading towards marriage GET LEGAL ADVICE.

ImNotKitten · 09/01/2019 12:04

I surmise that you haven’t declared him for council tax purposes. You’re putting yourself at risk there for his benefit.

AnotherEmma · 09/01/2019 12:06

" he earns 3 to 4 times what I earn if that makes any difference to things."

Yes it does make a difference IMO.
If it's a new relationship and if earnings are similar, the fairest way to split is 50/50.
But if it's an established relationship (nb you're wasn't when he moved in with you) and there's a big difference in earnings, mortgage/rent and bills should be split proportionately. The higher earner should definitely pay more.

If he hates the idea of contributing to your mortgage so much then he's really not a keeper.

Jenny17 · 09/01/2019 12:08

You are being unreasonable to let him live cost free for over a year. You would be even more unreasonable to let this continue.

Claw001 · 09/01/2019 12:09

*He pays approximately £800 a month, plus ‘everything’ else, apart from the OP’s £1,200.

Wait, what? He doesn't pay me £800 a month, where did you get that from?!*

He pays for all the food shopping, regularly eating out, regular nights out, socialising, plus as you said he pays for ‘everything’ else and you never have to ‘put your hand in your pocket’ apart from your £1,200. I’m assuming these things cost a far bit!!

He might not actually put the money in your hand, but that’s his contribution!

Wordthe · 09/01/2019 12:11

He is a liar don't pay too much attention to his words
watch his actions and look at the things that he pays for that tells you what he thinks is important

Wordthe · 09/01/2019 12:11

He is gaming you and he is winning

mirialis · 09/01/2019 12:13

He does sound like a spoilt brat though - the refusal to give you money that would go towards your mortgage when he was happy to give his ex money to go to her landlord's mortgage is really, really pathetic and frankly quite spiteful.

Sorry, I know you love him and I've not met him at all but can't see another way of interpreting that.

Original poster
Moneys2Tight2Mention · 09/01/2019 12:14

No he doesn't spend £800 a month on socialising. We don't do a "weekly food shop" as I work mainly evenings and normally eat at work. But yes, he will pay for me if we go out for a meal etc and will pick up dinner on the way home for the nights that I am at home etc.

OP posts:
Calvinsmam · 09/01/2019 12:15

I think the problem is you said ‘it doesn’t cost any more to have you here’ in the beginning.
Obviously it costs more to have two people stay in the house, twice the showers, twice the dishes, twice the washing, twice the food.

The problem is the arrangement you had before doesn’t work anymore and you need to come up with a new one.

Thebookswereherfriends · 09/01/2019 12:15

I think you should suggest that you both step back a bit. Tell him that as he is unhappy with paying anything to stay with you he needs to go back to living with his parents and only staying over once or twice a week. From now on if you go out either halve the cost between you or take it in turns to pay. You need to get the relationship back on a more even footing. Having someone else living with you is more expensive and you shouldn’t have let him off without paying any contribution to household expenses, but you did and now you just need to reframe the relationship. If he truly loves you and wants to be with you he’ll accept the new parameters and you can both work on a future plan where your lives are more evenly intertwined.

flumpybear · 09/01/2019 12:19

How about selling that place and buying together then splitting everything bar what you put down as the deposit from your sale?

Or

Find out what equity you have in your house then do as above just without moving

That way you could have a proper repayment mortgage, plus you'd share the bills etc. Get a
Solicitor involved though with the equity already in your name but though so he doesn't pinch it if you split up

DisappearingFish · 09/01/2019 12:22

Really, time to step back from this relationship. You should have had a proper conversation about finances and money before he moved in. Lesson learned. You haven't lost much in comparison to others.

He should move out, both of you take a breath and then if you want to move in together with agreed parameters.

I assume your council tax has gone up because you don't have a single person exemption anymore? That's a saving right there.

TBH he doesn't sound very loving or committed to you. And I may be projecting but I'm guessing you do the lion's share of the housework/wifework because "it's your house" and "my job is so much more busy/stressful/important than yours."

OnlineAlienator · 09/01/2019 12:23

Yabu to expect him to pay 400/mo to your property and his name not going on the deeds but he is bu not to fuck off back to his parents if he doesnt like it.

JudasPrudy · 09/01/2019 12:27

From what you've said it sounds like he is BU but I have a suspicion we aren't getting the full story. I don't think the pair of you have had a proper discussion about finances at all. If he didn't know your mortgage was interest only did he think he would be paying into the mortgage for your ex to then benefit from any future sale of the property?

Have the pair of you sat down with all your bills and bank statements and actually worked out what you are both contributing? Did he indicate that he wanted to buy a property with you in future? And how does he see the split of that considering you're eating into a potential deposit in your current situation?

HouseworkIsASin10 · 09/01/2019 12:29

Yabu to expect him to pay 400/mo to your property and his name not going on the deeds

I don't agree, the equivalent of £100 pw rent wouldn't even cover a house share in some places. So basically he is not paying her mortgage, he is paying for somewhere to live.

He should go back to his parents.

Artofhappiness · 09/01/2019 12:29

Agree with @mirialis. Although you’re frustrated and angry right now, the timing of this coming to a head is a real silver lining. You need to both decide where the relationship is headed. Whatever you decide, don’t agree to a hundred pounds a month, that is less than a token amount. In the absence of illness/job loss etc there’s no way you should be subsidizing his living costs at all. Where’s your partner’s self respect and respect for you?

Oysterbabe · 09/01/2019 12:32

An interest only mortgage isn't a very secure position to be in. How do you intend to pay it off at the end of the term? I think you should remortgage with him on there, capital repayment and your deposit protected should you sell in the future.

brassbrass · 09/01/2019 12:32

Agree with PP. Don't accept £100. It is nothing. As I said previously my DS at uni has higher costs than this living on a student loan!!

HouseworkIsASin10 · 09/01/2019 12:34

The problem is he has been living rent free at his parents.

When my DH moved in he had been paying rent/c.tax/all utilities on his own. He wasn't left with much money on one wage. Same as me in my house.
So when he moved in with me, paying half the costs to run the house seemed easy to him. We are both better off.

DarlingNikita · 09/01/2019 12:34

he could just live at home for free so why would he pay me rent.

He can fuck off home then can't he.

DarkStorm · 09/01/2019 12:36

Do you have low self-esteem OP? Are you used to accepting shitty selfish behaviour from people?

He’s a cocklodger. He has it made living with you. But that shit needs to stop.

Original poster
Moneys2Tight2Mention · 09/01/2019 12:37

To clarify, I have asked for £100 a WEEK not a month.

Yes, I sat down with him yesterday and showed him all of my outgoings that I had done on a spreadsheet. This has what has sparked the whole sorry saga.

He would not be paying off my mortgage, my ex is nothing to do with my house anymore so that is not an issue. He would simply be paying £100 a week to live as "rent" to me which would help.

To the poster that suggested cancelling Netflix and Spotify, this is less than £20 a month so isn't even going to make a dent.

OP posts:
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