Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU?? Partner living in my house for free but it's crippling me financially

608 replies

Moneys2Tight2Mention · 09/01/2019 09:39

This may be long!!!!

I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but the reaction I have received from my boyfriend makes me feel like I have been!

I live in a mortgaged (interest only – this is relevant) house. The deposit was given to me by my parents and I cover all bills/mortgage etc. I went through a really tough time last year and my boyfriend of three months ended up staying over a lot. That has gone from “staying over a lot” to never actually going home and he has lived in the property rent free for the best part of a year now. He used to live with (and is officially registered at) his parents rent-free at their large house. I have never asked for a penny in rent etc and I have actually said to him on occasion when he has offered me a token gesture that it costs me the same whether he’s there or not and I don’t want his money.

He is very generous with me, when we go out he pays for absolutely everything. He often picks up dinner etc on the way home and I rarely have to pay for any food shopping. We have a good social life and are always out and about, he will rarely let me pay for anything despite the fact that I insist on occasion! He is self-employed and takes home a good wage. He puts a lot of money into savings every month.

Recently I have had an increase in outgoings elsewhere in my life. My work have also cut my hours and it’s got to the point where I am struggling financially. Yesterday I wrote down all of my outgoings and realised that they total a lot more than my take home wage therefore I am cutting into savings every month just to get by.

I had a conversation with him about this last night, I worked out that all in the house costs me £1200 a month (interest only mortgage and bills) and asked him for a small amount of money (suggested £100 a week) to help me out so I’m not always dipping into savings every month.

What ensued was really surprising to me!! He said that essentially he didn’t want to hand over money like that as he would be “paying off my mortgage” (interest only for the record – however he did not know this) for me. He threw back in my face that I always said that it costs the same to have him here than to not, and that he could just live at home for free so why would he pay me rent. He also said that if he paid me £100 a week and we had an argument, that he wouldn’t be entitled to anything back and would have essentially “lost” that money and be “throwing it away”.

I explained that my house is actually on an interest only mortgage as that’s all I can afford currently, so I am essentially not paying off my mortgage either, however have been “throwing away” £1200 for the pair of us to have a roof over our heads for the last year. I said that even if he gave me £100 tomorrow, he would have still had a year of “free living” from me so would no way be out of pocket. He also said he didn’t want to rent so that he could save money every month for “our future” – which is very well and good however I am draining my savings just so that he can live rent-free… I am going into the red every month whilst he furnishes his savings account.

We argued back and forth about this for about an hour and in the end he begrudgingly agreed to pay me the £100 a month. I can tell he’s unhappy about this and I am therefore unhappy about this too. There’s a huge elephant in the room today and we both have a bitter taste in our mouths and a sense of unfairness.

AIBU??? Should I just ask him for half the bills instead?

Thanks all

OP posts:
SushiMonster · 09/01/2019 11:39

Also are you getting 25% discount on your council tax since he isn’t officially living there?

For 1/2 people who are out of the house at work all day you shouldn’t be spending more than:

£100 gas and electric
£30 water (meter)
£20 home insurance
£35 internet
£12 tv license

£? Council tax

£? Mortgage

StarJumpsandaHalf · 09/01/2019 11:41

I don’t think he’s a cocklodger in the true sense of the term.

For me you’re at very different life stages. You have the responsibility of a home with a mortgage and the need for renovations. He has no commitments and can have a rent free home life funded by his parents if he doesn’t stay at yours. His high earnings are all disposable income, effectively pocket money and his preferred lifestyle at the moment is a busy social life, this is what you need to thrash out between you.

He sounds happy enough to spend money, just not on mundane things like electricity or the roof over his head. The food shop and nights out are at his largesse not his obligation, so they can ebb and flow as the fancy takes him.

You need to talk more about how you feel about this arrangement if you do see a future together and then thrash out the practicalities and £££. Otherwise there is no long term future for the pair of you.

Iwantdaffodils · 09/01/2019 11:43

You say he's registered at his parents' house. Does that mean you are still receiving the single person's discount on council tax in spite of him living with you?

BIWI · 09/01/2019 11:44

I don't think you can afford to live in this house at all, actually!

Even if he does pay you a monthly sum, you've (rightly) said that you'll pay half of what he's currently paying - which I suspect will add up to more than he will be giving you.

Not only time to have a serious conversation with him, but for you to have a real going over your own finances to see if you can afford to live in this house.

FinallyHere · 09/01/2019 11:45

this is an argument for not having a relationship with someone who has not lived independently of their parents, so they are still in 'free handout' mode.

So i vote for throwing him out, it's a pity but there you go.

Original poster
Moneys2Tight2Mention · 09/01/2019 11:45

Ah, if only I was incredibly young! I'm 30.

The mortgage is incredibly complicated, basically it used to belong to me and my ex partner. As I've said above, it is in the middle of being remortgaged to a repayment mortgage and the payments will go down so it will become more manageable in time. It's out of it's fixed rate and is crazy money at the moment but this won't be ongoing.

Like I say, he officially lives with his parents as he split up with his ex girlfriend who he lived with in her rented house.

He previously told me on numerous occasions that she used him as a bit of a cash cow and that he paid ALL of her rent (perhaps a load of bull in hindsight), which I repeated to him in our conversation yesterday as I wondered why he felt it was soooooooooo unfair to be contributing to my household as it is mortgaged, rather than her household that was rented. He said yes but she wasn't getting anything out of it either, it was just dead money.

So what I got from this is that he was happy to pay for her rent as neither of them were getting anything out of it, rather than me who (and in turn him if we continued with our relationship) may potentially get something out of it (not that I would as my mortgage is currently interest only FML)

The whole situation is horrible and stressful.

OP posts:
PurpleTrilby · 09/01/2019 11:46

Another vote for get rid, very seriously. He’s a selfish child, he’s banking all his money and treating your money as his as well - and leaving all the grunt work of bills and admin to you. As many women have taught me, it’s no way to live, do NOT get pregnant with him, he’ll carry on with that attitude and expect you to pay for all childcare and keep spending ‘his’ money as if he’s single. Do NOT put his name on the deeds or mortgage. Seriously, he’s taking you for a complete mug, chuck him out and change the locks today, his parents can deal with the monster they have created.

lily2403 · 09/01/2019 11:46

£100 a week for everything...can i move in? hahahaha. NO he lives there he contributes properly and yes he can pay towards the mortgage its called rent.

If he was in someone else's bought home he would be paying rent which the owners would then pay towards a mortgage, there is no difference i also assume hes saving for a house and future (great) but i'm sure he will expect equal share from you when this happens

longwayoff · 09/01/2019 11:46

Twunt. Send him back to mum and dad. They'll be thrilled.

PurpleTrilby · 09/01/2019 11:47

And get angry, you should not be having to deal with this, don't just get stressed, get really FURIOUSLY ANGRY WITH THIS WASTE OF OXYGEN!

Twisique · 09/01/2019 11:48

If I were you I would dump the boyfriend and stop going out/economise. I would do my best to get the house in a suitable state for a lodger then with the income start paying off the mortgage.

How much work is needed and is it going to take long?

AbsentmindedWoman · 09/01/2019 11:50

Does he think you want him to pay rent on top of all he pays for already? So him paying rent plus all the food, socialising and meals out etc?

When as you have said, you'd be happy to dial back the socialising expenses.

Maybe just crossed wires? But would he be happy to cut back on the amount of going out you guys do in your current lifestyle?

Wordthe · 09/01/2019 11:50

he was happy to pay the rent when he lived with his ex because that way they are both paying money to the landlord or they're both in effect working for the landlord

he doesn't want to contribute towards the mortgage because this means that he is in effect working for you it puts you above him, he doesn't want to be in that inferior position that's why he's resisting it

Original poster
Moneys2Tight2Mention · 09/01/2019 11:51

He pays approximately £800 a month, plus ‘everything’ else, apart from the OP’s £1,200.

Wait, what? He doesn't pay me £800 a month, where did you get that from?!

OP posts:
CantWaitToRetire · 09/01/2019 11:51

Part of the problem is that his parents allowed him to live rent free at home. They should have been charging him something to get him used to the idea of paying his way in the world.

You could argue with him that he is not saving for your (two of you) future, because I'm sure the savings account is in his name only so if you split you'll have no access to any of it.

I think £100 a week is more than fair as it would cover bills and lodging. He may get a free room if he went back to his DPs, but he wouldn't be able to get a room in another house for nothing, so he should be contributing something for having a bed and roof over his head.

Wordthe · 09/01/2019 11:51

He should go and find a house share and you should get a lodger in
start making some money out of the place that you own

Twisique · 09/01/2019 11:52

He wasnt paying her rent! He said that to make you feel you couldn't take anything. He likes to be 'seen' to be generous so pays for things when you are out and that directly benefit him! Its all about him!

Down the line how do you think he would be if you were on maternity with no income, or lost your job, or wanted to retrain. I predict it would not go well!

Missingstreetlife · 09/01/2019 11:55

It's fine to have interest only mortgage, no different from paying rent but you are still building up equity as the prices rise. You need a plan for paying capital eventually, some use inheritance, or you may increase your income, make overpayments etc

WH1SPERS · 09/01/2019 11:57

It’s like these men who are controlling with their partners and say it’s because their last Gf cheated on them.

This guy won’t pay his way because his evil ex made him lay all with rent.

You are so busy trying to prove that you are nice and not like the Ex GF, you fall into the trap.

I wonder why he’s happy to save ( in his own name ) for your joint future but not willing for you to decrease your outstanding loan debt ( or so he thinks ) and save for your joint future in your own name.

Seems like he’s not so keen on you amassing savings. How odd.

WH1SPERS · 09/01/2019 11:58

pay all the rent

AbsentmindedWoman · 09/01/2019 11:58

How much approximately do you spend as a couple out for dinner, drinks, whatever your social life involves? That does add up very quickly. Does he get the weekly groceries?

That'd all come to a chunk of X hundred pounds per month pretty easily. I think that's where another poster guessed eight hundred quid.

Claw001 · 09/01/2019 11:58

OP it seems your financial discussion revolved around your outgoings, as oppose to both your outgoings and splitting down the middle. You didn’t know exactly how much he contributed to food shop, eating out, socialising etc.

The impression I got was you wanted him to continue to pay out his approximate £800, plus paying for ‘everything’ else, unrelated to your £1,200, plus to start paying an extra £400.

Maybe he feels like you are treating him like a lodger? maybe a discussion is needed about how much you BOTH pay out each month?

howabout · 09/01/2019 11:59

Sorry having just read your update I can even more see why your BF reacted the way he did. 30 is young to be moving straight into a 2nd long term relationship on the back of a financial mess. You do look to be trying to replace one bill sharer with another or in his words looking for a cashcow.

If you want to salvage things then suggest remortgaging jointly with him. If you want the security and independence of owning the house on your own then that comes with a cost which I don't think it is reasonable for a BF to reimburse.

AnguaUberwaldIronfoundersson · 09/01/2019 12:00

When I moved into my partners mortgaged property I didn’t contribute to the mortgage but everything else - utilities, gas, electric, insurance, council tax, internet, etc - was split down the middle. It meant he had more spare cash and wasn’t risking me having a claim on the property if we split and I had a chance to pay off my debts a bit faster (ex husband who was financially abusive)

We both contributed equally to the food and fun times pot as well and I estimate we each saved £200 - £300 a month by not living separately. He paid his own personal outgoings like car, fuel, transport as did I

Things only changed when we bought our current home together and now we both contribute the appropriate % to cover all the bills, leaving us with more or less equal spends (we’re lucky we earn similar amounts). The only thing we take care of individually is our mobile phone bills.

Your fella is a cock lodger

Aeroflotgirl · 09/01/2019 12:01

His attitude would be a dealbreaker, nowhere is there, that he could live for free, if he rented, he would be in effect 'paying of somebodies mortgage'. He is a freeloader, the stuff he buys you is just token to keep you happy. Yes it does cost more having somebody extra in the house, increased water, gas and electricity bills.