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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU?? Partner living in my house for free but it's crippling me financially

608 replies

Moneys2Tight2Mention · 09/01/2019 09:39

This may be long!!!!

I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but the reaction I have received from my boyfriend makes me feel like I have been!

I live in a mortgaged (interest only – this is relevant) house. The deposit was given to me by my parents and I cover all bills/mortgage etc. I went through a really tough time last year and my boyfriend of three months ended up staying over a lot. That has gone from “staying over a lot” to never actually going home and he has lived in the property rent free for the best part of a year now. He used to live with (and is officially registered at) his parents rent-free at their large house. I have never asked for a penny in rent etc and I have actually said to him on occasion when he has offered me a token gesture that it costs me the same whether he’s there or not and I don’t want his money.

He is very generous with me, when we go out he pays for absolutely everything. He often picks up dinner etc on the way home and I rarely have to pay for any food shopping. We have a good social life and are always out and about, he will rarely let me pay for anything despite the fact that I insist on occasion! He is self-employed and takes home a good wage. He puts a lot of money into savings every month.

Recently I have had an increase in outgoings elsewhere in my life. My work have also cut my hours and it’s got to the point where I am struggling financially. Yesterday I wrote down all of my outgoings and realised that they total a lot more than my take home wage therefore I am cutting into savings every month just to get by.

I had a conversation with him about this last night, I worked out that all in the house costs me £1200 a month (interest only mortgage and bills) and asked him for a small amount of money (suggested £100 a week) to help me out so I’m not always dipping into savings every month.

What ensued was really surprising to me!! He said that essentially he didn’t want to hand over money like that as he would be “paying off my mortgage” (interest only for the record – however he did not know this) for me. He threw back in my face that I always said that it costs the same to have him here than to not, and that he could just live at home for free so why would he pay me rent. He also said that if he paid me £100 a week and we had an argument, that he wouldn’t be entitled to anything back and would have essentially “lost” that money and be “throwing it away”.

I explained that my house is actually on an interest only mortgage as that’s all I can afford currently, so I am essentially not paying off my mortgage either, however have been “throwing away” £1200 for the pair of us to have a roof over our heads for the last year. I said that even if he gave me £100 tomorrow, he would have still had a year of “free living” from me so would no way be out of pocket. He also said he didn’t want to rent so that he could save money every month for “our future” – which is very well and good however I am draining my savings just so that he can live rent-free… I am going into the red every month whilst he furnishes his savings account.

We argued back and forth about this for about an hour and in the end he begrudgingly agreed to pay me the £100 a month. I can tell he’s unhappy about this and I am therefore unhappy about this too. There’s a huge elephant in the room today and we both have a bitter taste in our mouths and a sense of unfairness.

AIBU??? Should I just ask him for half the bills instead?

Thanks all

OP posts:
StormTreader · 10/01/2019 14:10

Well, so much for "saving up for OUR future", he's showed his true colours! Sounds like you've dodged a lifetime of scrimping and penny-pinching while he parties there!

Lweji · 10/01/2019 14:16

You could estimate the extra cost of having him around and send him an invoice. Particularly given that you haven't had a return on the "our future" saving. Grin

GreenEggsHamandChips · 10/01/2019 14:22

Are you actually ok OP? How long do you have to cover the extra on the mortgage?

Twisique · 10/01/2019 14:45

You might find finances are a bit better now he isn't using half the hot water etc and you get your discount for council tax.

Flowers
Original poster
Moneys2Tight2Mention · 10/01/2019 15:17

Told my parents today. My mum's offered me a long term loan and my dad's offered to help "don't you dare stay with anyone because of finances" bless them. It should only be a couple more months thankfully. Feeling a lot more positive this afternoon than I was this morning as I have a lot of support.

I haven't heard anything from him today but I have had some texts from his mum saying that he's very upset/it's obvious we both still love each other/can't we just sort things out etc.

OP posts:
Juells · 10/01/2019 15:22

some texts from his mum saying that he's very upset/it's obvious we both still love each other/can't we just sort things out etc.

Ha ha she thought she'd got rid of him onto you, now he's back home scrounging off them.

Beware! They may ask him for rent now that he's moving back in, and he could decide it's cheaper to live with you and come back all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, begging forgiveness.

GreenEggsHamandChips · 10/01/2019 15:24

Given I dont agree with much of the board that he was a cocklodger, i also wonder if it cant be sorted out in the long run.

But you both need financial transparency and a more honest discussion as to how finances are managed going forward .

StarJumpsandaHalf · 10/01/2019 15:29

you both need financial transparency and a more honest discussion as to how finances are managed going forward
is a given for any stable relationship, but firstly this man needs to do some growing up.

His reaction is pure dummy spitting and the fact that his Mother's now trying to intervene on his behalf really doesn't bode well, at least for now. That stands whether he's aware she's been in contact, or not.

I'd advise a good cooling off period and certainly not living together again if the relationship is knitted together. Forewarned is forearmed.

OP I'm so glad you shared with your parents and they're supporting you. Make sure you use that to go forward in a much stronger position, both financially and emotionally.

AnotherEmma · 10/01/2019 15:37

Glad your parents are being supportive.

"I haven't heard anything from him today but I have had some texts from his mum saying that he's very upset/it's obvious we both still love each other/can't we just sort things out etc."

Tell her it's none of her business, unless she wants to persuade him to pay some kind of financial contribution towards the bills for the year he's been sponging living with you?

AnotherEmma · 10/01/2019 15:37

Oh and of course he's upset, he's lost his free board and lodgings.

Loser.

howabout · 10/01/2019 15:48

"kick ass independent woman" is always a better way to be. Smile
Wholeheartedly agree with your parents' attitude - so glad you went to them as they sound fab.

All the best whatever happens. Whether it wasn't meant to be or you sort yourselves out and move forward together always better to know you are both choosing love over expediency and can stand on your own. Flowers Wine

BumbleBeee69 · 10/01/2019 15:57

Sobbing to his Mummy because he needed to put his hand in his fat wallet, you’re well rid OP, and please be honest with your Mum and Dad, that you were financially supporting him this entire year. Flowers

Lweji · 10/01/2019 16:00

Ha ha she thought she'd got rid of him onto you, now he's back home scrounging off them.

Exactly! Grin

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/01/2019 16:00

Its really good that you told your parents and they helped you work something out. One problem solved.
There's a little bit of emotional blackmail going on here.
Texts from his mum effectively saying look how much you've hurt him are ridiculous. She wants you to step up and fix things for him. Is he more equal, more important than you? Shouldn't he be working WITH you to fix things for both of you. Why does she expect you to make all the running?

He chose to pack his things and go, rather than stay and talk through how you both might organise your finances like adults and thereby stay together. If he was desperate to stay together, he wouldn't have left in a huff like that. He would have found a way to work things out. Even if he just asked for more time for you both to think it through, but he didn't. Effectively he said "if you don't do what I want I'm leaving." and now Mum is sending texts asking you to take him back. Do you want a future where other important arguments are settled this way?
Maybe this is just a hurdle on the path to true love and this is the lesson he needed but it does seem to me that he has everything his own way. Even has him mum trying to sort things out for him and plead his case about how upset he is.
Is he older than you, because in a way the paying for outings etc but not bills is rather patronising. Making you out to be a "bread head" and bill worried whilst he is a carefree "Lilly of the field" distributing favours but on his terms. ie.. an adult who is looking after a carefree child. IYSWIM.
I agree with the previous poster that if you do resolve differences then take a lot more time and lay the groundrules before even considering living together again. Because that is what it should be.. "Living together" and sharing life and all that comes with it, together not him just "moving back in" to "your" place which you are responsible for and he is not.
In the meantime, keep busy and have some fun with your friends. and best of luck.

Lweji · 10/01/2019 16:02

On another note: if they are reducing your hours, would it be possible for you to find some sort of second part time job to balance out finances?
Or, definitely, try and find a job that gives you more and more regular hours too.

Original poster
Moneys2Tight2Mention · 10/01/2019 16:07

His mum is so lovely, we get on really well so I think she is genuinely upset and wants us to be able to sort things out.

As far as he is concerned he is plaing the victim a little "I agreed to pay the £100 a week I don't know what she is complaining about". This is winding me up a little, as obviously yes he did agree to pay it, but through gritted teeth and it was obviously going to cause a problem going forward. The fact is, he said what he said and there can be no going back on that.

I've come out of it feeling glad we weren't financially involved as I think he would have been a kn0b about money if we had have been.

God, break ups are awful though aren't they! I'd forgotten about the full on sick feeling and the lack of appetite and constant lump in the throat.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 10/01/2019 16:23

For me it would depend on the mortgage payment.
Yes it's interest only, but it's your mortgage.
So work out all your outgoings.
Take off the mortgage interest payment.
Then split the rest 50:50.
But honestly..... He's a freeloading cocklodger and I'd want rid of him after that disrespectful 'chat'
If he goes would you cope?
Could you get a PT job to cover your lost hours?

WH1SPERS · 10/01/2019 16:46

Your parents sound great. And you ARE a kick ass woman!

30 is the perfect age to start again. Old enough to know what you want and build your career and plenty time to have kids later (if that’s what you want).

Can you use the short term to finish the work on your flat and get in two ( legal , paying ) lodgers ? This will allow you to pay back the loan quickly to your mum and start paying off your outstanding loan debt.

We did a lot of the labouring on the flat renovation for my daughter and used the cash to pay for proper tradespeople when essential. Makes the money go a lot further .

SpikyHedgehogg · 10/01/2019 17:01

Are you completely against making up? What if you just went back to dating?

WH1SPERS · 10/01/2019 17:05

She’s 30. Why does she want to “ just date” a man she know she can never build a future with because he’s a knob about money ?

Sorry to hear you are feeling so awful OP , it’s pretty shit .

Lweji · 10/01/2019 17:06

SpikyHedgehogg

Are you his mum? Grin

FinallyHere · 10/01/2019 17:11

Ha ha she thought she'd got rid of him onto you, now he's back home scrounging off them.

This ^

SpikyHedgehogg · 10/01/2019 17:11

Heh!

cstaff · 10/01/2019 17:13

*SpikyHedgehogg

Are you his mum?*

I was wondering Grin

SpikyHedgehogg · 10/01/2019 17:16

She’s 30. Why does she want to “ just date” a man she know she can never build a future with because he’s a knob about money ?

Because they've had a healthy relationship. This might be just an argument.

He offered to contribute to finances, she said no, she didn't need the money. He finds other ways to make a financial contribution. When her situation changes she then asks him for money. He feels criticised and gets defensive.

He might be a chancer who was only sticking round whilst he was on to a good thing. OR this might just be a falling out that can get sorted when everything calms down.