AIBU?? Partner living in my house for free but it's crippling me financially

[Moneys2Tight2Mention]

This may be long!!!!

I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but the reaction I have received from my boyfriend makes me feel like I have been!

I live in a mortgaged (interest only – this is relevant) house. The deposit was given to me by my parents and I cover all bills/mortgage etc. I went through a really tough time last year and my boyfriend of three months ended up staying over a lot. That has gone from “staying over a lot” to never actually going home and he has lived in the property rent free for the best part of a year now. He used to live with (and is officially registered at) his parents rent-free at their large house. I have never asked for a penny in rent etc and I have actually said to him on occasion when he has offered me a token gesture that it costs me the same whether he’s there or not and I don’t want his money.

He is very generous with me, when we go out he pays for absolutely everything. He often picks up dinner etc on the way home and I rarely have to pay for any food shopping. We have a good social life and are always out and about, he will rarely let me pay for anything despite the fact that I insist on occasion! He is self-employed and takes home a good wage. He puts a lot of money into savings every month.

Recently I have had an increase in outgoings elsewhere in my life. My work have also cut my hours and it’s got to the point where I am struggling financially. Yesterday I wrote down all of my outgoings and realised that they total a lot more than my take home wage therefore I am cutting into savings every month just to get by.

I had a conversation with him about this last night, I worked out that all in the house costs me £1200 a month (interest only mortgage and bills) and asked him for a small amount of money (suggested £100 a week) to help me out so I’m not always dipping into savings every month.

What ensued was really surprising to me!! He said that essentially he didn’t want to hand over money like that as he would be “paying off my mortgage” (interest only for the record – however he did not know this) for me. He threw back in my face that I always said that it costs the same to have him here than to not, and that he could just live at home for free so why would he pay me rent. He also said that if he paid me £100 a week and we had an argument, that he wouldn’t be entitled to anything back and would have essentially “lost” that money and be “throwing it away”.

I explained that my house is actually on an interest only mortgage as that’s all I can afford currently, so I am essentially not paying off my mortgage either, however have been “throwing away” £1200 for the pair of us to have a roof over our heads for the last year. I said that even if he gave me £100 tomorrow, he would have still had a year of “free living” from me so would no way be out of pocket. He also said he didn’t want to rent so that he could save money every month for “our future” – which is very well and good however I am draining my savings just so that he can live rent-free… I am going into the red every month whilst he furnishes his savings account.

We argued back and forth about this for about an hour and in the end he begrudgingly agreed to pay me the £100 a month. I can tell he’s unhappy about this and I am therefore unhappy about this too. There’s a huge elephant in the room today and we both have a bitter taste in our mouths and a sense of unfairness.

AIBU??? Should I just ask him for half the bills instead?

Thanks all

@Moneys2Tight2Mention Look, I wasn't happy to share this information but I am happy to do so now.

I've been where you are in my old relationship. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you really really dodged a bullet there. I promise.

30 was a good for me. Met my dh. I had a lo too. Despite having his own place he was more than generous with me. After a couple years we both sold up , got married and brought a wonderful house together. This gives you chance to meet someone who you can build a future with. Share your life and bills with. In the meantime a lodger is a good idea.

It doesn't sound like he ever officially moved in. It sounds like a man you had known for only 12 weeks decided he was moving into your home without any discussion. I think you took this as a sign of commitment Which I think was a mistake.

The simple solution is he goes back to his parents. Because while he was happy to unofficially live there, and pay for treats, he obviously does not want the commitment of living with you officially.

He has shown you exactly who he is and why he was living with you. Lucky escape for you.
How embarrassing for him that as a grown adult he does not expect to pay to live somewhere and will probably go back to sponging off his parents.

So glad you got rid of him OP. His paying for dinner and nights out was hardly generous as you were paying to keep a roof over his head.

You were wrong to say "it costs the same" because it doesn't.

After that you have been completely reasonable. He was a cocklodger. He was angry that you'd dared to ask for a commitment from him.

As a pp said - you may feel like crap now but you've definitely dodged a bullet.

Now at least you can reduce your outgoings where ever you like. If you aren't already, get your council tax reduced to single person. Lower or turn off some heating, switch off at the wall any non-essential electricals when not using them and be more water conscious.

Bulk cooking & freezing is your friend (a full freezer costs less to run) and cheap stodgy dinners will keep you going for less & help you feel warm.

When I was in a similar position, I had a cheap fan heater, and took into rooms with me. Blast for a few mins & switch off. Hot water bottles, pyjamas, bed socks (!). I spent evenings in bed under the duvet watching tv.

Are there showers at work? That could potentially save you more money too.

Sorry to hear that OP but he really wasn't a keeper was he.

well done for getting rid OP. In future I hope you seek out evidence that a man isn't a freeloader before you get involved.

Sorry that you're feeling crap right now but he wasn't the one and he would have stolen previous years off you dragging out the inevitable. He had no investment in your problems but a real life partner would have been interested to arrive at a solution that works for both of you. Not run away with his savings pot.

Hi OP - sorry it has turned out like that, but he was a cocklodger. My ExP was a cocklodger too, I asked for £100 a week like you, which was for'rent', bills, and food, all in. He pretty much never paid this (had self employed hobby job)), lived with me 7 years. We had a DC. He also was very lazy, wouldn't do housework or the garden. I asked him to get a job , and contribute as he promised. He shrugged, said no and left, without even discussing it. Now he pays no child maintenance for our DC. And has a new mummy (girlfriend!) , that he is cocklodging with. He owes me thousands that I will never see.

You are better off out of it now.

But by paying you "rent" he would be paying your mortgage and I don't think that's fair if he's not on the mortgage. You seem to want the best of both worlds on that front (him paying you but not having a claim)

You don't have a claim on your landlord's property when you pay them rent!

No-one is entitled to live at the expense of someone else without their express agreement.

You must be reeling a bit at the moment, but you're lucky to be rid of him so easily. How many grown men think it's OK to live for free? Most want to be independent from their parents as soon as possible, move out and start paying rent. Rent is obviously a completely foreign concept to him, along with the fact that houses cost money to heat and run.

Thank your lucky stars he's gone home to Mummy and Daddy. He's their problem now, they'll never be rid of him.

"He used to live with (and is officially registered at) his parents rent-free at their large house." Does that include for council tax purposes? You could well get in trouble for this!

He's a cocklodging bastard! Get him gone!

"He sounds like he's a sandwich short of a picnic." Actually the opposite - he's got a cushy deal and he knows it!

Adults pay their way in life, they don't live rent & bills free! Are you sure his parents didn't boot him? How old is he?!

"I am really shocked as he genuinely isn’t normally tight at all. Won’t let me put my hand in my pocket if we are out etc." That makes him APPEAR generous while actually not spending as much as he would if he were ACTUALLY paying his way!

"I have no idea how much he has been spending on going out/food etc. I can't imagine it's anywhere near to £1200 a month though." Is it even close to £600? I doubt it PLUS half of what he was spending was on himself anyway!

"Also he earns 3 to 4 times what I earn if that makes any difference to things." He's really taking the piss!

Ok so he's gone - you are (literally) better off without him.

Better you see his true colours now than when you've got children etc.

I'm wondering how the fuck he was raised that he can be an adult on a pretty good wage and think he can live off someone worse off!

OP don't be scared to start again at 30.I was 32 when I divorced and I'm re married now with a ds

What a tit.

You are well rid of him.

So sorry that it came to this. I hope you don't feel sad for too long. You sound like a nice kind person and deserve better than this.
I've seen a lot of criticism on here about how you should have laid out the "rules" from the start, because how could you know how the relationship would unfold in the early stages.
Its perfectly acceptable one year in when your circumstances have changed dramatically to assess how you organise your joint finances and living expenses and the fact that he has taken massive offence at this and drawn hard lines about what he will and won't do , shows that he is not really thinking of you as a joint unit who are progressing along the lines of staying together. He didn't meet you half way, in terms of working on sorting it out. He's there when its easy and when it isn't he's back having things easy at his parents and he's taken the savings he made during your year of supporting him, with him.

I think saying that he pays for treats and outings is very dodgy ground. Firstly because he wants to continue his lifestyle and brings you along to help him do that when perhaps you'd rather have finished the renovations you couldnt afford to continue.

You can't easily keep track of this spending. "Hey honey, let me pay for all the fun stuff, because I am the spontaneous granter of fun and treats in this relationship"
You have no idea when, how much or even if the next cash contribution will arrive. This is money that he is dispensing as and when he pleases. It could stop at any time if he's in a bad mood with you eg no cinema this week. You cant do that to him with the electricity bill. This uncertainty means that it is actually a very controling way to use money. You have to thank him and be grateful for it each and every time in a way that you would never have to do if he agreed to pay half the water rates whenever the next bill arrived. That way you would have be more in control of your own money because you would know how much you had to distribute amougst all your outgoings, And quite simply you didn't have that luxury because he was operating on a whole different system. One that suited him down to the ground.
I'm not saying he did this consciously, but it shows a complete lack of commitment. "My contribution comes in ad hoc treats and I can decide how and when it arrives. its not committed to a bill."
His reaction when you told him you had financial difficulties and needed to make changes to your joint finances and his reaction to a reasonable suggestion that he should make a regular known contribution so that you can budget better says a lot about his character and whether he's someone who wants to be in a long term relationship. He didn't spend much time trying to work it out with you.. or even suggesting a six month solution until yu can remortgage. He ran back to his rent free parents to continue doing exactly as he pleases. What would this have been like if you were pregnant or had an accident and couldn't work? He is a selfish child. And I suspect that he will find it much harder to get a new long term partner than you will. You are intelligent, generous and kind and he is one of those folk that take advantage and don't appreciate these qualities. I think you are well out of this and can start to rebuild your life the way you want it. Best wishes

I'm so sorry to read your latest news OP. I was in disagreement with a lot of replies and could really see it from your boyfriend's perspective, but what's more important is that you could both talk your way to a solution. The fact that hasn't happened means more in terms of a healthy relationship, so this outcome is quite telling.

Thanks everyone for your replies, I have read each and every one of them and some have actually brought me to tears a little.

Sitting at my desk with a lump in my throat, but reading your stories has made me feel a little more positive.

Thanks once again for the support, you have made a sad little girl feel a little bit more like a kick ass independant woman this morning x

He is awful. Chuck him. Really. Be strong. THis is NOT respectful. A man that empowers you and cherishes you raises you up so you can be bigger and better, not one that sucks your energy. You need a radiator NOT a drainer. This guy lives at home. Be strong.

That is so true - thank you.

Be brave Money

If you’ve split because he didn’t want to sort finances out like a real grown up, like I said you’re at very different life stages. Better to know that now and be able to make some proper plans without someone giving the impression they’re paying their way via nights out...well half nights out as he was paying for his own enjoyment too.

For you and no charge

have decided to split up.

Given his reaction to your asking for some support, I think you might have dodged a bullet here , @Moneys2Tight2Mention

It might hurt for a bit but I am sure there is a lovely, more decent someone out there for you.

30 is a great age. I was just 30 when I first met my now DH, took a while to get to know each other and have now been together some cough cough 27 years.

What a dickhead. Thank god you've found out what he is like now, rather than having kids involved, etc.

Did he say that the sole reason for the split was money, or has he thrown a load of other stuff in now for good measure?

He sounds like he took advantage of your vulnerability when you had personal issues right at the start of your relationship. Were you depending on him for emotional comfort/support do you think, hence not discussing finances with him before now?

Morale of the story OP is not to move in with someone after a few months, or at least set some boundaries/ground rules about finances at the beginning. It’s a shit life lesson, but you’ll come out if this stronger and more self aware as it could have dragged on for years if this didn’t happen now.

And so now he'll be back sponging off his parents. I bet they're just thrilled to have him back! 😜

You are FREE!