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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU?? Partner living in my house for free but it's crippling me financially

608 replies

Moneys2Tight2Mention · 09/01/2019 09:39

This may be long!!!!

I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but the reaction I have received from my boyfriend makes me feel like I have been!

I live in a mortgaged (interest only – this is relevant) house. The deposit was given to me by my parents and I cover all bills/mortgage etc. I went through a really tough time last year and my boyfriend of three months ended up staying over a lot. That has gone from “staying over a lot” to never actually going home and he has lived in the property rent free for the best part of a year now. He used to live with (and is officially registered at) his parents rent-free at their large house. I have never asked for a penny in rent etc and I have actually said to him on occasion when he has offered me a token gesture that it costs me the same whether he’s there or not and I don’t want his money.

He is very generous with me, when we go out he pays for absolutely everything. He often picks up dinner etc on the way home and I rarely have to pay for any food shopping. We have a good social life and are always out and about, he will rarely let me pay for anything despite the fact that I insist on occasion! He is self-employed and takes home a good wage. He puts a lot of money into savings every month.

Recently I have had an increase in outgoings elsewhere in my life. My work have also cut my hours and it’s got to the point where I am struggling financially. Yesterday I wrote down all of my outgoings and realised that they total a lot more than my take home wage therefore I am cutting into savings every month just to get by.

I had a conversation with him about this last night, I worked out that all in the house costs me £1200 a month (interest only mortgage and bills) and asked him for a small amount of money (suggested £100 a week) to help me out so I’m not always dipping into savings every month.

What ensued was really surprising to me!! He said that essentially he didn’t want to hand over money like that as he would be “paying off my mortgage” (interest only for the record – however he did not know this) for me. He threw back in my face that I always said that it costs the same to have him here than to not, and that he could just live at home for free so why would he pay me rent. He also said that if he paid me £100 a week and we had an argument, that he wouldn’t be entitled to anything back and would have essentially “lost” that money and be “throwing it away”.

I explained that my house is actually on an interest only mortgage as that’s all I can afford currently, so I am essentially not paying off my mortgage either, however have been “throwing away” £1200 for the pair of us to have a roof over our heads for the last year. I said that even if he gave me £100 tomorrow, he would have still had a year of “free living” from me so would no way be out of pocket. He also said he didn’t want to rent so that he could save money every month for “our future” – which is very well and good however I am draining my savings just so that he can live rent-free… I am going into the red every month whilst he furnishes his savings account.

We argued back and forth about this for about an hour and in the end he begrudgingly agreed to pay me the £100 a month. I can tell he’s unhappy about this and I am therefore unhappy about this too. There’s a huge elephant in the room today and we both have a bitter taste in our mouths and a sense of unfairness.

AIBU??? Should I just ask him for half the bills instead?

Thanks all

OP posts:
nauticant · 09/01/2019 21:59

That's really shit OP but it's better to know that he's not someone to have in your life now rather than a couple of years down the line.

It's depressing that as soon as he was faced with the prospect of "what is the nature of our relationship?" and "I need to contribute to the day-to-day stuff" he decides it's too much for him.

I hope you feel not too grim over this.

AnotherEmma · 09/01/2019 22:04

"If anything, use this as a learning experience and clarify the financial issues from the start. And ensure fairness instead of being so generous."

This. (Wise words from Lweji as usual Smile)

Itssosunnyout · 09/01/2019 22:07

Why are you letting him live with you?? How is this only an issue now that you are in the red?

Tell him to go back to his parents.

Or better still, can I move in for 100 a month.

This is beyond words (even though I've said a few)

Itssosunnyout · 09/01/2019 22:09

Sorry just read your last page.

He's an absolute idiot.

And you're better off with someone who doesn't take the piss.

Original poster
Moneys2Tight2Mention · 09/01/2019 22:14

Thanks everyone. Feeling very sad tonight and a bit scared for what the future will hold.

But I will live to fight another day.

Thanks again everyone x

OP posts:
flowerpott · 09/01/2019 22:15

Don't worry OP, this is absolutely for the best and you've dodged a bullet here. Something vaguely similar happened to me at 28 (long term bf jumped ship, leaving me with HUGE housing expenses, claiming we were "never in a committed relationship anyway" - after 4 years of living together). At the time, I was completely heartbroken, lost, thought that was it, but in the end, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Be proud of the fact that you have enough of a footing in life that lesser men want to sponge off you and just enjoy yourself until a real man comes along. Ideally someone who has spent some time in the real world, who understands that living costs money!

EvaHarknessRose · 09/01/2019 22:17

I think he was enjoying being the bountiful big spender here and there and not actually having to pay for the boring stuff. You unwittingly called his bluff - he is not mature enough to have the discussion. Take care OP.

OnlineAlienator · 09/01/2019 22:18

Sounds like you're both well shot of each other. Hope you sort out your money worries.

DisappearingFish · 09/01/2019 22:33

Sorry OP but it does sound like the right decision for you. He was massively taking the piss.

You are young, articulate and have a toehold on the property ladder. You will be fine Thanks

Moviestar · 09/01/2019 22:38

Op Im really sorry to hear this,and Im sure you are probably very sad tonight.However obviously he was not committed to you,otherwise he would have been happy to contribute to your shared life .Good luck to him back living free with his parents, he is a fool.
I wish you all the best and am sure you won't regret what has happened in the long term. You are an adult,he is acting like a spoilt child.
🌸💐💐🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸 for you.
Onwards and upwards.

miyajima90 · 09/01/2019 22:44

Hi OP

I think there have been some horrible comments on here and I hope you're okay in light of your split. Many of us have been there and it's a hard first few days/weeks initially- but you will feel better. Well done for being strong!

For what it's worth imho I think you have done the right thing splitting, and I also suspect your self esteem levels may be somewhat low. No offence intended at all- but I do urge you to take some time for yourself as in all honestly I think he was really pushing boundaries with you and for whatever reason you didn't make your own boundaries clear enough at the start. That's often a sign of lower self worth- again I mean no judgement and speak from personal experience, and it's kindly meant. 30 is really young- I started out again at 32 and at 35 met my husband :-) but not after I had some similar situations with blokes taking advantage or me tolerating poor behaviour and thinking it was normal. I had to really look at myself in depth, and sought help too, but eventually became healthier and better about respecting myself and setting boundaries with men.

Anyway I hope you are okay and please don't waiver in your decision because this is definitely right for you now and in the future. Good luck OP xx

cstaff · 09/01/2019 22:50

Awww OP I am so sorry to hear that. Fwiw it is probably for the best in the long run. He was taking the piss big time and didn't like being called out on it.

Look after yourself Flowers. Btw 30 is no age. You definitely have time on your side.

aibutohavethisusername · 09/01/2019 22:52

Sorry to hear that you’ve split, he was taking the piss big time. Sending positive thoughts Flowers

StarJumpsandaHalf · 09/01/2019 22:54

Feel sad for what might have been, but don’t feel scared, because your future will most definitely be brighter.

It just shows how hollow his talk of saving for your future really was 😕

Mummylife2018 · 09/01/2019 23:00

Sorry to hear that OP. May I ask why you split? What was the ultimate reason? X

Wheresthebeach · 09/01/2019 23:08

Take care OP, I'm sure its raw. Like everyone else says it was for the best. You are very young...still lots of time.

BumbleBeee69 · 09/01/2019 23:19

OP you deserve tenfold better than this selfish tight fisted greedy entitled freeloading man.

You will meet someone so much more worthy of you. Be kind to yourself. Flowers

BIWI · 09/01/2019 23:27

Oh no! I'm sorry to hear that.

What happened? (You don't have to answer that by the way!)

Jux · 09/01/2019 23:27

He needs to pay board and lodging like he would wherever he lived - except at mummy&daddy's of course. As you aren't his mummy, he needs to pay you.

And mate's rates don't pay the bills, so think clearly about that.

MistressDeeCee · 10/01/2019 00:06

Get him out, and get a lodger or host a foreign student via Uni scheme if you dont want someone there all the time, so you can ease your financial situation.

It doesn't matter that it was all ok before your outgoings increased - the fact is he's your partner, living in your home rent free, has a good income, yet will not help you through a financial crisis for a while.

He's not a keeper. Back to mummy's he goes

PBobs · 10/01/2019 00:10

I'm so sorry OP but honestly you're better off without him. I suspect he may want to come back/try again. I think you need to hold on to the feelings you've had the last couple of weeks to resist giving in and trying again - unless he changes his approach to money nothing will change. And 30 really isn't old. Honestly. You've got years to meet someone else who is actually worthy of you.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 10/01/2019 00:24

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you've really dodged a bullet.

Putitdownnow · 10/01/2019 00:48

Best thing to happen. It really is. Out before you got in deeper to someone who wants to keep all his money for him, no matter what.

You'll look back on this one day and smile, thankful you've dodged that bullet.

I had a major split at 30 and was devastated. Met my DH two years later and married nearly 20 years and 3 children. Your whole life is ahead of you. Promise Thanks

AcrossthePond55 · 10/01/2019 00:55

Just shows you the type of person he is. You deserve so much much more than he would ever have given you.

Give yourself time to grieve. But remember you are grieving the loss of who you thought he was, not who he actually was.

Bekabeech · 10/01/2019 05:47

Take care of yourself and good luck for the future.
More people split over money than unfaithfulness - so it is better that it's happened now. I am sure you have a bright future before you.