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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU?? Partner living in my house for free but it's crippling me financially

608 replies

Moneys2Tight2Mention · 09/01/2019 09:39

This may be long!!!!

I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but the reaction I have received from my boyfriend makes me feel like I have been!

I live in a mortgaged (interest only – this is relevant) house. The deposit was given to me by my parents and I cover all bills/mortgage etc. I went through a really tough time last year and my boyfriend of three months ended up staying over a lot. That has gone from “staying over a lot” to never actually going home and he has lived in the property rent free for the best part of a year now. He used to live with (and is officially registered at) his parents rent-free at their large house. I have never asked for a penny in rent etc and I have actually said to him on occasion when he has offered me a token gesture that it costs me the same whether he’s there or not and I don’t want his money.

He is very generous with me, when we go out he pays for absolutely everything. He often picks up dinner etc on the way home and I rarely have to pay for any food shopping. We have a good social life and are always out and about, he will rarely let me pay for anything despite the fact that I insist on occasion! He is self-employed and takes home a good wage. He puts a lot of money into savings every month.

Recently I have had an increase in outgoings elsewhere in my life. My work have also cut my hours and it’s got to the point where I am struggling financially. Yesterday I wrote down all of my outgoings and realised that they total a lot more than my take home wage therefore I am cutting into savings every month just to get by.

I had a conversation with him about this last night, I worked out that all in the house costs me £1200 a month (interest only mortgage and bills) and asked him for a small amount of money (suggested £100 a week) to help me out so I’m not always dipping into savings every month.

What ensued was really surprising to me!! He said that essentially he didn’t want to hand over money like that as he would be “paying off my mortgage” (interest only for the record – however he did not know this) for me. He threw back in my face that I always said that it costs the same to have him here than to not, and that he could just live at home for free so why would he pay me rent. He also said that if he paid me £100 a week and we had an argument, that he wouldn’t be entitled to anything back and would have essentially “lost” that money and be “throwing it away”.

I explained that my house is actually on an interest only mortgage as that’s all I can afford currently, so I am essentially not paying off my mortgage either, however have been “throwing away” £1200 for the pair of us to have a roof over our heads for the last year. I said that even if he gave me £100 tomorrow, he would have still had a year of “free living” from me so would no way be out of pocket. He also said he didn’t want to rent so that he could save money every month for “our future” – which is very well and good however I am draining my savings just so that he can live rent-free… I am going into the red every month whilst he furnishes his savings account.

We argued back and forth about this for about an hour and in the end he begrudgingly agreed to pay me the £100 a month. I can tell he’s unhappy about this and I am therefore unhappy about this too. There’s a huge elephant in the room today and we both have a bitter taste in our mouths and a sense of unfairness.

AIBU??? Should I just ask him for half the bills instead?

Thanks all

OP posts:
Yulebealrite · 09/01/2019 14:36

adore
I agree that the ops circumstances have changed and now she needs more money. Together they need to explore all the options and agree on a course of action. It's not up to her to present a fait accompli - especially if he currently views himself as a boyfriend rather than a long term partner.

GreenEggsHamandChips · 09/01/2019 14:37

Thing is he has bern contributing by funding a mutually pleasing lifestyle. The OP wasnt fully supporting him he was funding food and everything else.

He assumed he was doing this in the knowledge she was building for her future, its a reasonable assumption if someone says they are paying a mortgage. The OP has treated him as fairly casual as there has been no discussion on long term finances with full disclosure

Id be pretty pissed off if i was the OPs other half

flowerpott · 09/01/2019 14:38

YANBU. If he isn't interested in contributing to the household bills, then he needs to move back home.

I hope he sees the light, but I would focus on solving your financial trouble independently. Remortgage, change suppliers, find a new job, or a second job, etc. I don't think you can depend on this man to step up to the partnership you're (reasonably) expecting. He sounds like a man-child.

I'm also a bit suspicious of "I paid my ex gf's rent...", sounds like he could be a seasoned freeloader to me. Combined with "I can live at my parents for free", he sounds like he's never taken responsibility for himself at all.

Juells · 09/01/2019 14:40

Time to find a grown-up partner. He has a wonderful life - live with his parents for free, or live with you for free with the added benefit of sex on demand. All in return for a bit of shopping.

Tell him to move home, and take in a lodger to help with your expenses.

Beeziekn33ze · 09/01/2019 14:40

OP - Your boyfriend moved in to support you when you were very stressed a year ago. Money was then, apparently, no problem.

Your situation has changed, money is now a problem, his attitude appears to be adding to your stress. Does he still think his presence is helping you? Is it, do you still need his support?

Presumably you became aware of a financial problem when you had to halt the renovation of your house. Did you discuss this with bf?

Would you be better to leave bf out of the picture? Sell the house, buy or rent a smaller property. Find more work, any work. You may cope much better on your own, certainly in a smaller place your money should go further.

In short, do you really need or want bf?

Quartz2208 · 09/01/2019 14:43

I initially thought he was being unreasonable but you yourself say he pays for food/nights out and saving to buy a house together

The fact your cant afford the house is nothing to do with him - what would you do if he wasnt there

In effect at the moment you are eating into savings by not budgeting correctly at all

You need to decide whether this is about covering the fact you cant afford your house at the moment or decide to together look at making a future and pooling money

Gruffalosgrandma · 09/01/2019 14:44

Surely he should be paying half the bills at least. I assume he uses the WiFi,Netflix gas and electric etc.

cstaff · 09/01/2019 14:45

If he was renting himself anywhere else (even his mums) he would have nothing to show at the end. Rent is rent - not a mortgage payment.

And to those who keep saying that he is paying half if he is pay £600 a month on food etc he is not. It is one third as her outgoings are £1200. Also the food, restaurants etc can change from month to month so yes of course it should be done fairly and he should pay some manner of steady payment so she knows where she stands from month to month and if they need to cut back they can - not just the OP.

And the fact that he has put a load of savings away and doesn't see the need to help out at all when his GF is in a bad way financially (and he is living there) that is not a good sign in the grand scheme of things.

chocorabbit · 09/01/2019 14:55

Didn't he offer initialy and you refused?! I am fed up of people asking questions and the poster says "oh.. well... um...no, it's ok....... I don't ...really...need your contribution" only later to complain that this is not good enough.

GreenEggsHamandChips · 09/01/2019 14:56

And to those who keep saying that he is paying half if he is pay £600 a month on food etc he is not. It is one third as her outgoings are £1200.

But she chose to set her outgoings that high.

He didnt have any say in that.

If he chose to rent or buy somewhere he would have a say in how much he spent. The arrangement with his parents iz a red herring

Yulebealrite · 09/01/2019 14:59

Exactly green

They just need to talk about it and where they see their relationship and life together is going - If indeed it is actually going anywhere.

cittigirl · 09/01/2019 15:08

How much do you estimate he spends each month on food, going out, etc etc?.
I'd take all the bills minus the mortgage and associated costs and divide the remainder by 2 then take off your half of the food/social spends and he pays what's left if that makes sense.

StormTreader · 09/01/2019 15:11

you seem to think that remortgaging onto a repayment plan will solve all your problems and decrease your monthly payments but in my experience that would increase them?

I think the OP has said that the initial rate has expired on the mortgage so its dropped onto the SVR which is why its so high and that she will be remortgaging onto a repayment mortgage which should also be cheaper.

Original poster
Moneys2Tight2Mention · 09/01/2019 15:17

Blimey. I don’t know where all these £600/£800 figures have mysteriously come from throughout my thread. There’s a lot of projection and filling in the gaps of what I have written with completely non-factual info.

As far as my current mortgage goes, without going into my full history and personal situation, it is VERY messy and drawn out as it involves another property, my parents and my ex boyfriend. It is out of it’s fixed term, involves another property and is in the process of being sorted out. The monthly repayment will go DOWN not up and it will be on a repayment mortgage. Don’t worry, I have taken financial advice on this and am happy that I will be able to afford it going forward, with or without my boyfriend’s input. I have told him that when the mortgage is sorted out we can have another conversation about money. But until then, something has to give, and for me, I would prefer if my boyfriend would “treat” me by helping me out with the house (which could benefit him in the future) rather than treating me to drinks and meals out.

As I have also said, my boyfriend earns 3 or 4 times what I earn at circa £2-3k a week. I don’t feel that £100 of that to help me out is a huge problem.

OP posts:
nauticant · 09/01/2019 15:19

Unlike many on this thread, I don't think the "socialising" budget is worth much to the OP because firstly she would be willing to redirect the money into the cost of running their home and secondly it seems to be mainly for the boyfriend's benefit.

nauticant · 09/01/2019 15:24

Blimey. I don’t know where all these £600/£800 figures have mysteriously come from throughout my thread. There’s a lot of projection and filling in the gaps of what I have written with completely non-factual info.

Some threads encourage the creative writing tendencies of some posters OP. This is just one of them. They want to have a pop at you and the best way to do it is to write a little story in which you appear as a fictionalised character in a negative light so they can then criticise that character.

Try to focus on those posts that aren't rewriting what you've said into a fairy tale.

HowardSpring · 09/01/2019 15:25

Sorry - I am with the boyfriend.

You can't have your cake and eat it.
Either he is an equal partner in which case you share the costs but also the equity in the property.
Or he is a lodger in which case he pays rent and you pay for your own food and social life, you give him a contract and meet your landlord obligations.

The thing is you can't have a "real" lodger because the house is being renovated - it is a hassle.

You want your boyfriend to pay rent and yet you talk about being in a relationship that might lead to marriage. You also justify his spending as ok as he is earning more than you. This is irrelevant if he is a lodger.
You have been happy to have him stay over instead of living where he was as it helps you out financially. You accept that he pays for everything else.

It is not in his interests at all to pay you rent as it just buys the house for you and curtails both your social lives. He would be far better off moving back home.

If you were serious about this long term you would be talking about buying a place together not charging him rent- then I am sure he would pay his share.

empa · 09/01/2019 15:25

I bet he's got some savings piling up there OP. In his name.

Ngaio2 · 09/01/2019 15:26

@chocorabbit, the OP’s circumstances have changed and he haws been forced to reassess her finances,,a not unusual fact of life. She was quite content with the situation until Shaw affected adversely by circumstances beyond her control

The OP states that they do not have a weekly grocery shop as such so she is unable to rely on her BF contributing a fixed amount for this expense. In fact his contributions are unascertainable from week to week which puts the OP in a very difficult situation

Lweji · 09/01/2019 15:27

I don’t feel that £100 of that to help me out is a huge problem.

Don't talk about it as "helping me out".
It should be about fair contribution to household expenses.
It may not cost you more to have him there, but he should pay half of all food, internet, electricity, gas, etc. It doesn't matter where and how he lived before. That's his problem.

And living together should be more than how much it costs. He should see living with you as an improved situation to living with his parents or alone, regardless of the cost.

Calvinsmam · 09/01/2019 15:28

Does he think you’re living together though?

PoisonousSmurf · 09/01/2019 15:32

But if he's paying for food and things, then how would you afford to pay the rent and feed yourself?
You need to make him a 'lodger', don't let him into the mortgage or he'll try and use it against you in the future by claiming half the house.

Ngaio2 · 09/01/2019 15:39

@ HowardSpring do you understand what an interest only mortgage is?? The OP’s equity is limited to any increase in the value of the property plus her deposit less the mortgage capital and any outstanding interest and charges. In today’s conditions not many “home owners “ who bought in past years would get out enough for a deposit on a house of similar value. The OP says her house has unfinished renovations which would prevent her even letting a room and this would affect the current value.
The fact is the OP did not intend to use her bf as a way of paying the mortgage but entered what she considered to be a relationship with a future.

Original poster
Moneys2Tight2Mention · 09/01/2019 15:45

Does he think you’re living together though?

As he hasn't had a night away from my house in almost a year, except for nights away and holidays, then I think it's safe to assume he thinks we're living together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moneys2Tight2Mention · 09/01/2019 15:47

Didn't he offer initialy and you refused?! I am fed up of people asking questions and the poster says "oh.. well... um...no, it's ok....... I don't ...really...need your contribution" only later to complain that this is not good enough.

But it was good enough then. I was earning enough money, and didn't have this big personal expense. Things change. Just because I was in the fortunate enough position to be able to pay for the whole house previously, it doesn't mean it's the case now.

OP posts:
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