AIBU?? Partner living in my house for free but it's crippling me financially

[Moneys2Tight2Mention]

This may be long!!!!

I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but the reaction I have received from my boyfriend makes me feel like I have been!

I live in a mortgaged (interest only – this is relevant) house. The deposit was given to me by my parents and I cover all bills/mortgage etc. I went through a really tough time last year and my boyfriend of three months ended up staying over a lot. That has gone from “staying over a lot” to never actually going home and he has lived in the property rent free for the best part of a year now. He used to live with (and is officially registered at) his parents rent-free at their large house. I have never asked for a penny in rent etc and I have actually said to him on occasion when he has offered me a token gesture that it costs me the same whether he’s there or not and I don’t want his money.

He is very generous with me, when we go out he pays for absolutely everything. He often picks up dinner etc on the way home and I rarely have to pay for any food shopping. We have a good social life and are always out and about, he will rarely let me pay for anything despite the fact that I insist on occasion! He is self-employed and takes home a good wage. He puts a lot of money into savings every month.

Recently I have had an increase in outgoings elsewhere in my life. My work have also cut my hours and it’s got to the point where I am struggling financially. Yesterday I wrote down all of my outgoings and realised that they total a lot more than my take home wage therefore I am cutting into savings every month just to get by.

I had a conversation with him about this last night, I worked out that all in the house costs me £1200 a month (interest only mortgage and bills) and asked him for a small amount of money (suggested £100 a week) to help me out so I’m not always dipping into savings every month.

What ensued was really surprising to me!! He said that essentially he didn’t want to hand over money like that as he would be “paying off my mortgage” (interest only for the record – however he did not know this) for me. He threw back in my face that I always said that it costs the same to have him here than to not, and that he could just live at home for free so why would he pay me rent. He also said that if he paid me £100 a week and we had an argument, that he wouldn’t be entitled to anything back and would have essentially “lost” that money and be “throwing it away”.

I explained that my house is actually on an interest only mortgage as that’s all I can afford currently, so I am essentially not paying off my mortgage either, however have been “throwing away” £1200 for the pair of us to have a roof over our heads for the last year. I said that even if he gave me £100 tomorrow, he would have still had a year of “free living” from me so would no way be out of pocket. He also said he didn’t want to rent so that he could save money every month for “our future” – which is very well and good however I am draining my savings just so that he can live rent-free… I am going into the red every month whilst he furnishes his savings account.

We argued back and forth about this for about an hour and in the end he begrudgingly agreed to pay me the £100 a month. I can tell he’s unhappy about this and I am therefore unhappy about this too. There’s a huge elephant in the room today and we both have a bitter taste in our mouths and a sense of unfairness.

AIBU??? Should I just ask him for half the bills instead?

Thanks all

The problem seems to be the unofficially living there. Neither of you know where you stand and appear to doing separate, conflicting things!

He is saving for your future! While you are asking for rent! He can fuck off with the savings at any point and you can kick him out at any point!

*Some threads encourage the creative writing tendencies of some posters OP. This is just one of them. They want to have a pop at you and the best way to do it is to write a little story in which you appear as a fictionalised character in a negative light so they can then criticise that character.

Try to focus on those posts that aren't rewriting what you've said into a fairy tale.*

Thanks nauticant. I am learning a lot about my personal life from strangers on the internet! Although most posters have put up some interesting discussions and thoughts from both points of view which have actually been really helpful. It's important to see things from both sides. At the end of the day, it's my relationship and I want it to work. I also want us both to be happy! It's not me versus him, it's trying to find something we're both happy with so it's important I also see things from his side. After all, he has agreed to the £100 a week, if begrudgingly!

So, you pay currently £1200.00 per month.

It is proposed that he pay (or currently does pay) - Food (£300?), Nights out and dinners (£300??), "rent", £433.00 per month as well as "everything else".

Therefore your monthly will be about £770.00, and his will be probably about £1,100.00. On top of that, you own the property solely and he is not acquiring rights.

Is this a wind-up? You are taking advantage of this guy, and I think you probably know that. The very fact that if the relationship ended tomorrow, he would be better off financially and you would be worse off makes that perfectly clear. I think you need to count your blessings, and I think your BF needs to have a think about what he signing up to here (or not signing up to rather as he is not getting s share of the property!). If I were him, this behaviour would show massive red flags to me.

I'm not saying go out of your way to buy shopping tonight and make him a nice dinner to apologise, but also I don't think that that is a bad idea! Good luck!

I am so pissed on your behalf. Then off he goes to live with mommy and daddy.

Agree with Lweji - you need to change the mindset of him "helping you out" whilst he lives rent-free and he needs to change the mindset of thinking throwing "dead money" towards his ex's landlord's mortgage is somehow better than paying his own living costs whilst he's living in your home.

So, you pay currently £1200.00 per month.
It is proposed that he pay (or currently does pay) - Food (£300?), Nights out and dinners (£300??), "rent", £433.00 per month as well as "everything else".
Therefore your monthly will be about £770.00, and his will be probably about £1,100.00. On top of that, you own the property solely and he is not acquiring rights

No, please read my posts.

I have suggested he doesn't pay for "everything else" and that "everything else" should be split equally as and when it can be afforded. I have suggested that he pay £100 a week INSTEAD that I can use towards my house.

Here's the OP's DP when they had their discussion:

(At least according to some posters.)

Again, it's not towards your house. Forget it.

Think living expenses. Does the 100 per week cover half of all the bills and food except mortgage?

Start having a weekly shopping if it helps or make a note of all food costs.

I do think part of the problem is that you mix bills and mortgage.

I'd think the interest on the mortgage is still paying towards the mortgage, because that's the cost of borrowing the money to buy the house. So, I'd leave that out.
But you are providing a roof for him, as well as furniture, etc, so I'd also charge him something for living in the building, yes. Rent, effectively.

So your BF earns low 6 figures and nets around £6k pm? You reckon he is spending less than £800 pm on lifestyle? Seems unlikely?

You are arbitrarily (from his pov) asking for £400 pm in addition to what his current contribution is in order to sort out a short term funding problem. He ought to see this as small change but probably wants to stay well away from your complicated finances especially if they involve your Ex and parents. Would probably be better just to lay out a total of how much you need to order to sort yourself out and ask for it all either as a payment in lieu of bill contribution or a loan. Dressing it up as "rent" just looks like a thin end of the wedge to you seeing in £££s every time you look at him and continually moving the goalposts.

He earns how much?

And he argued his case?

I bet he’s living on a nice sum in his bank account. Yanbu asking for him to pay something towards the everyday expenses. If he mentions it doesn’t cost anymore if you’re on your own, he can pack his bags and fuck off back to his parents.
I do think this should have been mentioned earlier on in the relationship though. Bit late now 🤦🏼‍♀️

So he's getting his rent food utility bills ect for just £25.00 PW. Some people really do not know when they've got it good

Was he already aware of your changed financial situation before you asked him for a contribution? If so, how long was he aware for and how did he react when you told him?
Just wondering if he was and is concerned for you, because the financial situation must be making you anxious.

I couldn’t let this shyster sleep one more night under my roof. Kick him out today.

Get a lodger and ditch the boyfriend.

He's just free-loading on you rather than his parents. They are related to him. You are not.

But he does come with a cost, extra electric, water, heating (if you're not home at night presume he puts the heating on ?) so it's only fair he pays for it.

Oh my, so you are asking him to pay £100 per week and nothing else?

I got the impression you were asking for £100, on top of him paying for food, meals out etc?

I'd tell him to get the hell out and look for a couple of paying lodgers to help pay down your mortgage. Tax free income up to a large number, too!

Have you worked out what the food bill will be because he is already buying the food and if he stops doing that and it comes out of the £400 you won’t have much left to help your situation

He should pay half of bills but not mortgage IMO.

Or go back home and sty over occasionally, you didn't agree to live with him anyway

He’s got it made, an entire house to himself every day and night, without paying a PENNY for gas electrictity food water council tax, your paths must rarely cross. He is ripping the p1$$ on such a grand scale I want to scream for you OP, how can you have allowed this to happen ?!

Meanwhile, whilst your struggling to keep him in the style he is acustomed too, he’s stashing away £3k a fucking week?! and pays for the occassional takeaway/meal out ?!

Get a grip of yourself OP, this man must have thousands squirrelled away thanks to you, and he begrudges £100 a week, this man does not want a shared future, he is using you and given time he will likely buy a house outright.

Before the conversation on rent the conversation about actually living together needs to happen. Would he want to still live there if cash was involved when he has the option of rent free somewhere else. I have been in your boyfriends shoes although my free accommodation was work provided. I started staying over more and more with my boyfriend until we needed the conversation. The truth was that while I was ready for a relationship with him, I was not ready to join finances and if given the ultimatum I would have chosen to not stay over. I did not want to share his cost of running his house and did not want to be his lodger.

I think if he's saving for your future your name should be on his savings account as well! You are essentially facilitating his ability to save for a future that may or may not include you - not casting aspersions on your relationship - just highlighting the fact that there is absolutely no guarantee you'll ever benefit from these savings.

@CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger in that case, do you think his name should be on her mortgage?

property is right - you need to make sure that you are on the same page re living together. You think he thinks he's living with you but I suspect he doesn't. It's just evolved that he spends all his time at yours. You need to have the conversation, make things official and get his address changed. Otherwise he isn't living with you. He just stays over all the time

cocklodger.