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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU?? Partner living in my house for free but it's crippling me financially

608 replies

Moneys2Tight2Mention · 09/01/2019 09:39

This may be long!!!!

I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but the reaction I have received from my boyfriend makes me feel like I have been!

I live in a mortgaged (interest only – this is relevant) house. The deposit was given to me by my parents and I cover all bills/mortgage etc. I went through a really tough time last year and my boyfriend of three months ended up staying over a lot. That has gone from “staying over a lot” to never actually going home and he has lived in the property rent free for the best part of a year now. He used to live with (and is officially registered at) his parents rent-free at their large house. I have never asked for a penny in rent etc and I have actually said to him on occasion when he has offered me a token gesture that it costs me the same whether he’s there or not and I don’t want his money.

He is very generous with me, when we go out he pays for absolutely everything. He often picks up dinner etc on the way home and I rarely have to pay for any food shopping. We have a good social life and are always out and about, he will rarely let me pay for anything despite the fact that I insist on occasion! He is self-employed and takes home a good wage. He puts a lot of money into savings every month.

Recently I have had an increase in outgoings elsewhere in my life. My work have also cut my hours and it’s got to the point where I am struggling financially. Yesterday I wrote down all of my outgoings and realised that they total a lot more than my take home wage therefore I am cutting into savings every month just to get by.

I had a conversation with him about this last night, I worked out that all in the house costs me £1200 a month (interest only mortgage and bills) and asked him for a small amount of money (suggested £100 a week) to help me out so I’m not always dipping into savings every month.

What ensued was really surprising to me!! He said that essentially he didn’t want to hand over money like that as he would be “paying off my mortgage” (interest only for the record – however he did not know this) for me. He threw back in my face that I always said that it costs the same to have him here than to not, and that he could just live at home for free so why would he pay me rent. He also said that if he paid me £100 a week and we had an argument, that he wouldn’t be entitled to anything back and would have essentially “lost” that money and be “throwing it away”.

I explained that my house is actually on an interest only mortgage as that’s all I can afford currently, so I am essentially not paying off my mortgage either, however have been “throwing away” £1200 for the pair of us to have a roof over our heads for the last year. I said that even if he gave me £100 tomorrow, he would have still had a year of “free living” from me so would no way be out of pocket. He also said he didn’t want to rent so that he could save money every month for “our future” – which is very well and good however I am draining my savings just so that he can live rent-free… I am going into the red every month whilst he furnishes his savings account.

We argued back and forth about this for about an hour and in the end he begrudgingly agreed to pay me the £100 a month. I can tell he’s unhappy about this and I am therefore unhappy about this too. There’s a huge elephant in the room today and we both have a bitter taste in our mouths and a sense of unfairness.

AIBU??? Should I just ask him for half the bills instead?

Thanks all

OP posts:
Lweji · 09/01/2019 14:05

I don't think he should pay anything towards the mortgage unless you are prepared to put the house also in his name.

I find this kind of thing gobsmacking. If he doesn't want to pay anything like rent then he should go back to his mammy.

Look it up. It's a technical detail. If he "pays towards the mortgage" the OP risks him becoming entitled to a share of the house. If he pays her "rent", then he won't. But then he should have rental contract...

User323676890 · 09/01/2019 14:05

I don't think he should pay anything towards the mortgage unless you are prepared to put the house also in his name.

She should avoid calling it mortgage so she doesn’t end up giving him a claim on the house at a later date. Call it bills or rent. Like anyone else would pay. Just because he’s a live in partner doesn’t mean she should put him on the deeds! She should be paid towards her costs, which simply enables her to comfortably continue to pay HER mortgage.

User323676890 · 09/01/2019 14:06

Cross post!

eddielizzard · 09/01/2019 14:08

He is being unreasonable. Even if he objects to paying off your mortgage he could still contribute to your bills and council tax. He is using water, electricity, the tv, netflix etc. so he could offer to pay for half of those things. That would be completely fair.

But he isn't, is he?

Twisique · 09/01/2019 14:08

Maintain your independence, get lodgers as soon as you can. For a lower rent people will stay while your doing it up.

GreenEggsHamandChips · 09/01/2019 14:09

Actually if i was the DP id probably be horrified by the whole situation and not know what to do.

He probably thought by saving he was creating a fund to come into a joint future property on a more even basis, whilst providing himself a bit of a buffer in case the relationship failed and he left with nothing. That probably isn't now possible.

So by contributung to her mortgage he's leaving himself vulnerable if the relationship fails and building nothing within the relationship either.

The actual fact is that the OP cant afford own house and could only make it affordable by interest only. But at least that was her choice to make when she bought it. Interest only mortgages are a really risky decision.

Her DP hasnt had that choice and is now being forced to support the OPs bad decisions. Id be pretty upset about that.

Claw001 · 09/01/2019 14:10

brass totally agree, I’m even confused by their discussion!

OnlineAlienator · 09/01/2019 14:10

100% agree greeneggs.

brassbrass · 09/01/2019 14:12

So by contributung to her mortgage he's leaving himself vulnerable if the relationship fails and building nothing within the relationship either.

He's a grown man who if he were living elsewhere (other hand parents) would still have to pay his way! He would still need a roof over his head and all other living costs. He's not subsidising her life she is subsidising his!

SushiMonster · 09/01/2019 14:17

If he moves out and back to his parents, the Op is still fucked though. She can’t afford to live in the home she has chosen to. That’s the bottom line. With him there or not.

Bertiebitch32 · 09/01/2019 14:19

I'm the most kindest gentlest way get rid of the cocklodger. Your conversation just shows that he doesn't give a shit for anyone but him. He's taking the piss even begrudgingly giving you £100 per month! Ask him can he find a place to rent for that price? Jesus when I worked full time and on minimum wage I paid £50 per week board and got my own food as o was fussy . I cleaned up, cooked for my parents and did my own washing. Get rid he wants a mum

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/01/2019 14:21

The difference is, I have suggested that he stop paying for all the "treats" and pay towards my house instead. How is a fancy meal helping me when I am struggling to keep a roof over our heads?

He isn't the most important thing here.

You can't afford your mortgage. What are you going to do if he fucks off home? It's fine to say you went to change your lifestyle, do less fancy meals and socialising, but as a couple that's a mutual decision.

How long will it take the mortgage to be sorted? If he leaves, can you get a lodger in instead who will help? Are you looking for a new job?

Sort your finances and then deal with him.

brassbrass · 09/01/2019 14:21

sushi she can tackle that as appropriate. People have made lots of suggestions and OP hasn't ruled anything out.

What isn't appropriate is that in the meantime she has someone living there rent free who doesn't want to be a part of the solution but supposedly in a relationship with a future. So she needs to address that in order to move on knowing she is on her own.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 09/01/2019 14:21

@brassbrass - he would have a rental contract though which would give him some kind of protection, rather than just being kicked out if they split up.

OP- has he ever officially moved in? I might be wrong but I get the impression that he hasn't, just spent more and more time there. Are you still paying the discounted council tax or are you paying for two people?

What I would do is split all the household bills, you pay your mortgage and then each pay 50/50 on bills including food and split the bill when you go out.

SarahSissions · 09/01/2019 14:22

I think you did your initial calculation wrong, and presented it to him incorrectly. It is not his issue if you’re income has changed and I am not sure (beyond being the catalyst for the conversation) that it is relevant.
You have asked him for what you need, rather than what is fair. From what you have said previously he doesn’t seem ungenerous usually, so on this I think it is unfair to jump straight to that conclusion. I also think it is unfair to say him staying with you is crippling you- it sounds like it is a work and other issues that are doing this.
£100 a week seems steep for bills, and for him it is important to understand that he is not going to have any thing to show for his financial contribution. I think you should take bills- council tax, water, tv license etc and half them.
I’d also be careful that by paying for everything household wise you are not setting him up as a dependent of yours

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 09/01/2019 14:22

@Bertiebitch32 I'm sure she said it was £100 a week rather than £100 a month.

AdoreTheBeach · 09/01/2019 14:23

I’m my opinion, you need to think about how financially you would be if he were not in the picture. You would still have the mortgage payment and bills (although might be slightly less - think hot water) but not a lot less as you’d still be using heating and electricity.

Factor in paying for yourself going out and all food costs thst you’d have to pay for yourself.

Could it actually be that you can no longer afford this place on your own?

If that is the case, then advise him either he needs to make these payments to you (the £100 a week) OR you need to take in a lodger to help meet the bills OR sell and purchase something you can afford (maybe together, where the split of bills, rent or mortgage is discussed in advance).

On another note, now that he will be paying you £100 a week, his paying when you go out and paying occasionally for meals may stop as in his mind, he’s paid you. Just something to keep in mind.

HollowTalk · 09/01/2019 14:24

Who the hell are these posters who are sorry for the OP's partner? And who said he wasn't living there? The OP has said he's lived there for nearly a year and not paid rent. Her insurance covers all his stuff that he brought with him. If that's not living with someone then I don't know what is.

To those posters: do you think he should be able to live there forever without paying rent?

brassbrass · 09/01/2019 14:25

whenis that's part of life admin and being a grown up. He isnt doing either being carried by OP

mumofbun · 09/01/2019 14:26

Your boyfriend aside, I've only seen a couple of people including greeneggs mention the bit that concerns me the most.

You can't afford your outgoings!

Get some serious financial advice - you seem to think that remortgaging onto a repayment plan will solve all your problems and decrease your monthly payments but in my experience that would increase them?

Can you take a second job if your hours have been cut?

Netflix and spotify might only be a small amount as you said but for a single person this could be one weeks shopping!

As for the boyfriend situation - i suggest setting up a joint account and each putting in half of the monthly outgoings (not including mortgage but including a budget for house food) if he decides to stay/you decide to keep him around. Others have said you have acted very young but this is what me and my partner did when i was 24 and what i did with previous flatmates from the age of 18. It's the only way to save arguments about household finances!

OnlineAlienator · 09/01/2019 14:28

He shouldnt live there forever without paying rent but he should have something to show for his contribution and some choice on where he lives long term. Op chose that house.

OldSpeclkledHen · 09/01/2019 14:28

We'll all move in with you OP if you don't charge rent!!

I could do with saving a few quid!!

YANBU to request some financial support, sad that his parents have not set him up for the real world.

icecreammonday · 09/01/2019 14:32

I used to have a cocklodger like yours and when I asked him to contribute (after almost a year of rent free living) he fucked off back to mummy's for some more rent free living. Never saw him again, what a relief 😅

stayathomegardener · 09/01/2019 14:34

So glad @mumofbun mentioned it as I kept thinking yes when you move to a repayment mortgage your monthly sum will rise.

Currently on interest only you don't really own and are renting from the bank unless you have a watertight plan to pay back the capital.

It sounds like this unpleasant situation could be a useful catalyst to take charge of your finances.

And sorry to say he does sound like a freeloader.

How much work is left to do on the house? Being in a position to rent a room opens up so many more options for you.

cheesywotnots · 09/01/2019 14:35

Be careful asking him for rent, if he's being a c.f. it might be harder to get rid of him in the future if he can prove he's been contributing.