AIBU?? Partner living in my house for free but it's crippling me financially

[Moneys2Tight2Mention]

This may be long!!!!

I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but the reaction I have received from my boyfriend makes me feel like I have been!

I live in a mortgaged (interest only – this is relevant) house. The deposit was given to me by my parents and I cover all bills/mortgage etc. I went through a really tough time last year and my boyfriend of three months ended up staying over a lot. That has gone from “staying over a lot” to never actually going home and he has lived in the property rent free for the best part of a year now. He used to live with (and is officially registered at) his parents rent-free at their large house. I have never asked for a penny in rent etc and I have actually said to him on occasion when he has offered me a token gesture that it costs me the same whether he’s there or not and I don’t want his money.

He is very generous with me, when we go out he pays for absolutely everything. He often picks up dinner etc on the way home and I rarely have to pay for any food shopping. We have a good social life and are always out and about, he will rarely let me pay for anything despite the fact that I insist on occasion! He is self-employed and takes home a good wage. He puts a lot of money into savings every month.

Recently I have had an increase in outgoings elsewhere in my life. My work have also cut my hours and it’s got to the point where I am struggling financially. Yesterday I wrote down all of my outgoings and realised that they total a lot more than my take home wage therefore I am cutting into savings every month just to get by.

I had a conversation with him about this last night, I worked out that all in the house costs me £1200 a month (interest only mortgage and bills) and asked him for a small amount of money (suggested £100 a week) to help me out so I’m not always dipping into savings every month.

What ensued was really surprising to me!! He said that essentially he didn’t want to hand over money like that as he would be “paying off my mortgage” (interest only for the record – however he did not know this) for me. He threw back in my face that I always said that it costs the same to have him here than to not, and that he could just live at home for free so why would he pay me rent. He also said that if he paid me £100 a week and we had an argument, that he wouldn’t be entitled to anything back and would have essentially “lost” that money and be “throwing it away”.

I explained that my house is actually on an interest only mortgage as that’s all I can afford currently, so I am essentially not paying off my mortgage either, however have been “throwing away” £1200 for the pair of us to have a roof over our heads for the last year. I said that even if he gave me £100 tomorrow, he would have still had a year of “free living” from me so would no way be out of pocket. He also said he didn’t want to rent so that he could save money every month for “our future” – which is very well and good however I am draining my savings just so that he can live rent-free… I am going into the red every month whilst he furnishes his savings account.

We argued back and forth about this for about an hour and in the end he begrudgingly agreed to pay me the £100 a month. I can tell he’s unhappy about this and I am therefore unhappy about this too. There’s a huge elephant in the room today and we both have a bitter taste in our mouths and a sense of unfairness.

AIBU??? Should I just ask him for half the bills instead?

Thanks all

Here's how I look at it; If this were a 'normal couple' who had this arrangement (one pays household, the other pays food/entertainment) and suddenly the 'house-payor' had an increase in outgoings coupled with a decrease in incomings (which a lot of posters seem to be ignoring), a 'normal couple' would sit down and say "Oh, we need to reallocate our financial contributions! We'll just have to do without a lot of entertainment and start doing groceries on a budget. Then that money + a bit more can go towards keeping a fucking roof over our heads!!!".

OP's cocklodger is uncaring of the fact that the OP has had a change in her financial circumstances. He wants to keep an arrangement that now benefits only him. She's not asking him to pay for what he's been paying for AND now pay rent, she's asking him to reallocate some of the money he's already been spending away from food/entertaiment, step up with a bit more, and now pay that amount towards the basic household needs. In turn, they will go out less and budget better on food. She's not asking for anything that a million couples (including DH and I) haven't done in times of financial stress. He obviously feels her financial stresses have nothing to do with him. Not a very caring or sharing attitude.

Personally, I'd be reevaluating the entire relationship. He sounds immature and selfish and I'd have no time for that.

Sounds like your DP can afford to give you £400 plus carry on going out as normal if his salary is as high as you imply? If so perhaps his problem is also about you imposing frugal living / no going out on him so you can match his spend when there is actually no need.

Also in all of your posts it is clear that your focus is on your house - no wonder he is not on board with that. Even when you talk about downsizing it seems you are thinking it would be in your name only?

It's more telling that his response didn't include any of the suggestions that posters have made on this thread re legally making it their property or buying another together. Which gives you a massive insight into how he sees the relationship ie not the same future that perhaps OP has in mind.

By paying for this, he gets to play the big look-at-generous-me while not shouldering his financial responsibilities at home

Agree with this. He wants to play the generous big man when in public, and when it comes to discretionary 'nice' spending (I very much doubt that when he picks up food on his way home he would even think to buy loo roll, cleaning products etc) but does not want to take any responsibility to pay for all the boring household bills etc that must be paid every month.

Even if OP previously had the same household bills (although I can't see how they would not be higher for 2 people) I don't think it's fair for someone to expect to live with her without contributing regularly. The issue of the mortgage is more contentious and if I was OP I'd be wary of asking for him to contribute (even if it's interest free) as I believe there is a possibility that if he is not formally a tenant but contributes to paying the mortgage he might be able to claim some right over the property at a later date.

It sounds to me like he wants to have the benefit of living with his girlfriend, rather than his parents, but without any financial responsibility. He says that he wants to continue to save for their future but if he really meant for both their futures I doubt he would want her to get in to financial trouble so that he could continue to live like a child.

I wonder what he expects OP to do? As PP have said, without him there she could rent a room out but as it is it sounds like eventually she'll have to sell (is she can, or get repossessed if not). Presumably he will disappear back to his parents once her cash runs out but where will she go?

How do basic bills and an interest only mortgage but no food add up to £1200 pm

Take a few hundred quid off for utilities, council tax, etc, then times by 12 to get £10000 interest per year which would be a £200,000 mortgage at 5%.

Yes, as I have mentioned a few times now, I have sat down with him and explained my situation with all the outgoings written down

But it sounds like you've only written down your outgoings and not included his. Honestly I think his reaction was fine and agree with him that he shouldn't be paying your mortgage unless you want to discuss adding him.

I bet all generosity will on nights out will stop...and if you can't afford to pay your way he'll head out on his own.

You are not in the same relationship.

Your OP ‘I said that even if he gave me £100 tomorrow, he would have still had a year of “free living” from me’

‘I am draining my savings just so that he can live rent-free…’

This sounds like ‘free loader’ to me.

He has not paid ‘rent’, however he has contributed in a way, for a year, that you were previously happy with.

In not saying you are being unreasonable to now wants things to change, as your circumstances have changed. Just your discussion does not sound like it was very ‘joint’. You talk about ‘rent’ like he is a lodger, then talk about marriage etc

I can see why the discussion you had, may have had mixed messages!

Is there anything you can do to get yourself onto a repayment mortgage? I think that should be a priority.

Have to love all these women who think men should live rent-free in their homes. Every adult should pay towards their living accommodation.

If hes paying food and everything when you go out when things were good that probably was his half....

£10000 interest per year which would be a £200,000 mortgage

See I don't get this. Maybe my mortgage interest rate is much lower but I still don't pay 10k a year and I'm not on an interest only mortgage and my mortgage is 180k.

I don't think the arrangement you HAD in place was necessarily bad, but it's the reaction NOW that is setting off the alarm bells

My OH and I have just moved into a house he bought - before this he lived temporarily with me in my rental. A few months all in all.

He DID offer to pay a part of the bills etc, but all mine are on monthly direct anyway so him being there for a few months wouldn't up the payments etc.

He did however buy ALL food shops, and gave me cash if I needed it, or the odd chunk here and there.

The issue for you would never have become an issue had your income not decreased.

Of course the paying for things when out is a bit of a red herring, (a) you don't NEED to go out, and (b) he could be doing that for effect. But of course he could too be doing this thinking it's generous of him, not really realising what it actually takes to keep a roof over your head.

The only thing you could have done in this situation was to sit down with him and say that as it's become a more permanent arrangement him living there and now that things have changed financially, it's fairer all round to make the arrangement more formal and agree on an amount/share for BOTH of you to be contributing.

A normal person would see the point and agree to it.

What your boyf has done is kicked up a fuss and immediately gone on the defensive.

That's not good.

The problem here is though that YOU are in a right mess. YOU can't afford for him to stay (as it is) and you certainly can't afford for him to leave (as he is the one buying all the shopping!)

You are already paying interest only and even that is unaffordable.

In an ideal world, his reaction necessitates that he leaves and goes home to his parents and lives rent free there while you consider your future.

YOU need to reduce your outgoings. You don't need netflix or spotify or paying to eat outside of the home. What can you cut out? be ruthless, it may be small, but it all adds up.

Did you read the OP's comments about how she was stuck on a mortgage with a high interest rate and was hoping to remortgage onto a cheaper rate PoesyCherish?

I can see why the discussion you had, may have had mixed messages!

I don't think OP is singularly responsible for mixed messages though. If he's saving for their future what's he implying/insinuating? However this future doesn't take into account her current financial woes. What a lonely place to be in in a relationship. He's ok for the social aspects but not on board with the grown up serious stuff. Hmm

Have to love all these women who think men should live rent-free in their homes. Every adult should pay towards their living accommodation.

He's been paying rent in kind. Remember he's not officially living there. He has free accommodation at home. It's just suited them both for him to stay over more and more. Now circumstances have changed and the op is no longer happy with the current arrangement, so they need to either formalise their living arrangements and he contributes properly or he needs to start spending more time at his parents. But this is a conversation they need to have to see how serious their relationship actually is.

Yes his reaction is a problem.

If I were him I'd have reacted like OMG I wish you'd said sooner! I know you said it was no more expensive me living here but obviously the bills are higher. I am so grateful you let me move out of my parents' house and stay with you. Look, if I got myself a house share instead of my parents it would cost me £X a month including bills so how about I give you £X a month? I earn loads more thn you so I'm happy to keep paying for treats but if you want to start splitting the cost of those I am OK with that even though we won't be able to go out so much.

I do think you have a problem here.

How do you feel about suggesting he gets his own place now and you spend equal time at each other's places?

Hmm.

If I were you I think I would say to him you are very unhappy with the way he thought of you and your living situation, and his reluctance to contribute meaningfully to the household, and you need time to yourself to see how you feel and he could he please move back out to his parents.

I find it very strange tbh that a grown adult was happy to effectively live in your house and not contribute to the household bills. And now make a fuss about £100/w and make you justify yourself and feel bad.

Personally I'd dip into my savings rather than allow him to continue as before. How comfortable are you going to be with him anyway?

As you say you can economise in all sorts of ways if you wish, even talk to the bank about a break. I know you said Netflix etc doesn't make a dent, but it does all add up.

"it's not the amount of money that seems to be the issue, it's the fact he doesn't want to "pay off my mortgage" and would rather take me out instead. But I don't necessarily want to be taken out, I'd rather him use that money to ease my stress!"

In other words, he's happy to date you but doesn't want to make a life with you.

If he wanted to marry you one day he wouldn't mind as much about the mortgage would he?!

I don't think he should pay anything towards the mortgage unless you are prepared to put the house also in his name. I do think that he should pay half of the water, electricity, foodshop et cetera. You still haven't answered what he spends on you each month, you just say that it isn't 1200, but 1200 is your costs so half of that would be 600. If he pays for food and dinners and drinks it could easily come to 600. Why don't you know how much he spends on you? I'm not sure that you are being fair tbh. I'd like to hear his side of the story. You're only hammering on about the mortgage that you can't pay for, the renovation that you planned without having the money and not on what he spent or other options to get your finances in order. When will you remortgage? Surely that won't take a year. How quickly can you find a second job to fill in the hours that you lost? Are you even looking? How quickly can you get the house livable enough for a lodger?

I think that you should get your own finances in order and not wait for some unstable boyfriend to bail you out.

How old are you both, OP? He sounds immature, spoilt and not a partner in any real sense.

Would a good friend living with you do this, when they knew you were struggling financially? Or would they positively look at the way the joint cloth could be cut to help ease your situation (esp. if the friend had been living rent free and earned significantly more)?

He’s not only being unsupportive of your situation, he’s happy for you to sink. Unless he has a major rethink of his attitude I would get rid. He’s not husband and father material.

He doesn't want to pay and accepting money now would probably stick in your throat.
I'd tell him he needs to go back to his parents and that you'll need to get a lodger instead (whether you do or not is immaterial)
He needs to see that people in the real world don't stay anywhere for free.
Make cut backs where you can, finish doing a room for a lodger etc.
He really shouldn't be a priority as I'd struggle to see a future with someone who has this view of money.

That's certainly how it appears anotheremma

They need a "how is our relationship progressing" kind of talk and decide if they are in a committed living together relationship or if they are just boyfriend/girlfriend.

I don't think he should pay anything towards the mortgage unless you are prepared to put the house also in his name.

I find this kind of thing gobsmacking. If he doesn't want to pay anything like rent then he should go back to his mammy.

OP, have you looked at your bills before and after him moving in? I'm someone else who has previously said 'oh it won't cost any more' when my partner moved in during a tough patch for him. I honestly thought it wouldn't. But in fact my energy bills almost doubled, I lost single person Council Tax discount and had to get a bigger wifi package. Worth having a look.

and that he could just live at home for free so why would he pay me rent

And therein lies the answer!