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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

shop refused to serve me?!!?

405 replies

elliesm98 · 08/01/2019 21:19

I'm 32 weeks pregnant, OH lost his ID in November and hasn't ordered a new one yet as we are using all our spare money for this baby.
Now, OH smokes and because we are both 20 it is impossible to get served without ID, so i've been going in the shop for him. I usually get them in Tesco or get them delivered with online shopping, but popped into the co-op on our way home earlier, asked for his usual and the cashier loudly said 'I can't serve you, you're pregnant and shouldn't be smoking' in front of all the other customers making me feel embarassed. AIBU to think that this was unprofessional of him and he has no right to comment on what im buying!! maybe i'm just getting emotional about it because of hormones. I mean is he legally allowed to refuse to serve me ?

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 09/01/2019 01:06

FFS, the OP isnt the one smoking, and (for the hard of thinking) the cashier had no right to not serve her.

I am very happy that I am not perfect if that means being one of the judgemental arseholes on this thread.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 09/01/2019 01:13

It should be an issue for you @elliesm98 .
*
Babies who are raised in a home where a caregiver smokes are at increased risk of cot death .

Your baby is at risk now if your DP smokes near you.

When born your baby will be at increased risk of cot death even if DP does not smoke near baby.*

slashlover · 09/01/2019 01:19

OP, could the cashier have known you were buying for someone else? Hear them asking you to buy them? Seeing him hand money over? If not then I would call customer services. (As someone who used to work for the Co-op)

MinorRSole · 09/01/2019 01:23

Dictating what a pregnant woman can and can't do is a slippery slope. Whilst everyone is welcome to their opinions on smokers that's not the relevant issue here. Amazing how hypocritical people become when smoking gets mentioned!

differentnameforthis · 09/01/2019 01:34

He can afford ID Sainbury's online show a pack of 20 costing 10 -12 pounds dependent on brand.

UK ID shows as being 15 pounds on google.

He CAN afford it, he just doesn't want to because it means buying less cigarettes. Plus he has you to get them for him because he has a good excuse not to do it himself.

I wonder how different these comments would be if it was me going to pick up his weekly crate of beer. from me it would be the same. He is putting unnecessary luxuries before essentials (ID is pretty important and will be more so once you have a child if you aren't married)

Now ... we are both 20 it is impossible to get served without ID Also, him not getting an ID pretty much means that you will be buying his beer and fags for sometime yet. he has you exactly where he wants you. At his beck and call. Who actually PAYS for that, op? Your money, his, joint money?? What happens when he needs fags a couple of days post birth? Will you go to the shop for him them too, possible stitches, leaky boobs, crying baby and all?

notangelinajolie · 09/01/2019 01:34

we are using all our spare money for this baby..

er no you aren't Hmm

Why are you facilitating him in doing something that is harmful for your baby?

You may both be 20 but you are acting like 15 year olds. Babies are for grown ups - you really need to start thinking like one.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/01/2019 01:58

sorry Elesme, I didnt mean to sound judgemental. What a rude shopkeeper. I worked in an office of heavy smokers when I was young with first pregnancy and they all smoked 40 a day.. and I had to ask them to smoke out side ( this is before the smoking law) they didn't like it at all but I had asthma too and was quite unwell and they eventually did.
My OH has also smoked all his life and I also make him smoke outside. At least now a days people are used to smoking outside.
It is so difficult to make someone give up if they don't want to. and its also not an easy overnight thing to do. I smoked as a teen occasionally but gave up because of the asthma.
Don't get too fed up with some of those snappy posts..some of them are over the top but most people agree with you. Best wishes on your pregnancy, babies are a lot of work but absolutely wonderful.

differentnameforthis · 09/01/2019 01:59

I didn’t realise smoking made someone not responsible or ready to be a dad? I think people are more Shock at his priorities, op. Plenty of people smoke, but getting your partner to get them because you can't be arsed to replace your ID is a slippery slop to getting your partner to do it all while you sit on your arse drinking and smoking.

daisypetal123 · 09/01/2019 02:03

Capable woman interesting choice of words for someone who allows her unborn child to inhale second hand smoke and who prioritises buying cigarettes over sorting out an ID. No the shop assistant was not being unreasonable - he was thinking of your baby which frankly it sounds like you need to grow up and start doing. The harsh reality is that people will likely judge you for being a younger parent, so learn to prove them wrong by putting your child first, acting responsible and stop acting so entitled.

PatricksRum · 09/01/2019 02:04

You don’t need ID to register a baby’s birth :)

You really do though - mother of a newborn baby in England

PatricksRum · 09/01/2019 02:07

Yeah OP I said to my mother if you continue smoking you will not get to see your granddaughter, that was the day I found out I was pregnant. And she lives over an hour away. Not a chance I'd put up with my partner smoking. If he smoked he would have to shower and wash his hair, change his clothes and wait a good few hours before being allowed near, not sure I'd let him hold her with the smoke lingering under his nails.

Yuck.

Racecardriver · 09/01/2019 02:09

I would have started messing with him claiming that I was just fat.

Racecardriver · 09/01/2019 02:13

@smoobarb it’s not just her body though is it? She will be damaging her child and the cost of that will be placed on the state. When you live in a welfare state you have to accept other people (whether it is the government if the people paying the taxes that go towards thevarious benefits you use) telling you what to do.

daisypetal123 · 09/01/2019 02:19

She will be damaging her child and the cost of that will be placed on the state

Exactly.

pissedonatrain · 09/01/2019 02:20

Shopkeeper was way out of line. I could see this little twit telling everyone who attempts to buy a pack of fags, no, they'll kill you! Grin

I do hope that your DP does manage to get his ID sorted as he will need it at some point. Has he tried the vaping? He can get the nicotine without putting the smoke into the air?

Jenny17 · 09/01/2019 02:22

Toddler, two, is taken away from his parents and put up for adoption after health visitor complained about the amount of cigarette smoke in his home www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3105688/Toddler-taken-parents-house-cigarette-smoke.html#comments

SimplySteve · 09/01/2019 02:54

So OH has a provisional, and smokes. Using that smoking money on driving lessons would benefit you, and baby, substantially.

It's your choice to be with someone who smokes, my DD is. He's had "a chat" about it in case she gets pregnant. He goes outside, can afford it despite not working and being work-shy, and "it's not a big deal".

My mother made me suffer passive smoking of between 40-80 cigs a day for all my childhood life (I worry about the possibility of health risk), so my stance on any smoking is ingrained. Your situation is different but I often wonder what our financial circumstances would have been with that money. We were in poverty all those years. That "few quid" could make a large difference to your lives with a baby.

The shopkeeper, if questioned, will likely say it was on id reasons. He shouldn't have spoken out, glad he did. Hope it would be same with alcohol tbh.

Although I remember being refused alcohol sale without id in Tesco. At 35.

SimplySteve · 09/01/2019 02:55

OP, what happened once you were refused? Did you get from elsewhere? Go back with your id?

CocoDeMoll · 09/01/2019 02:56

I hate that a pregnant woman’s body is fair game for public shaming. The shop keeper was totally out of order.

I’m not a smoker and obviously didn’t drink during pregnancy but would occasionally pick up beer and baccy for dh. I hated doing it because I felt obviously judged and wanted to wear a sign saying ‘they’re not for me’!!

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 09/01/2019 03:04

YABU. It is entirely legal, and entirely their right, for any shopkeeper or anyone in any business at all, to refuse to serve someone.

You are putting your baby’s health at risk (even though you are not directly smoking them) and he was right to call you out on it.

Your partner is wasting money you could use on your baby, and that money is being used to deteriorate his own health and subsequently yours and your baby’s too. That makes him irresponsible, unable to prioritise and make informed, safe decisions, and unfit to be a parent.

You say it isn’t an issue for you, that he smokes outside blah blah blah. Smoke travels. Smoke sticks to clothes. It increases the risk of SIDS and many other problems, and if your baby is affected it will most certainly be an issue for you then.

SimplySteve · 09/01/2019 03:16

@RedRainSinister

Oh fgs. All this waiting an hour, showering, etc before holding the baby. You know it’s all bullshit right? I smoked through all my pregnancies, and through bringing up my kids. None had any problems, none of them smoke. I was brought up the same. My grandad smoked his pipe around all his 12 children and 30 odd grandchildren. Second hand smoke is wildly exaggerated. Third hand smoke is a completely made up concept. What’s next, fourth hand smoke? People are so ready to believe whatever the so called “experts” tell them. These threads make me laugh. OP the guy at the shop was completely out of order and ignore all the scare mongerers on here. Your baby will be fine.

The scientific evidence about passive smoking shows us just how dangerous second-hand smoke really is.
Here are the facts about passive smoking:
Non-smokers exposed to second-hand smoke have an increased risk of lung cancer
Non-smokers who live with a smoker are 20-30% more likely to develop lung cancer
Passive smoking can cause premature death in non-smokers
Passive smoking increases the risk of coronary heart disease by 25-40% - almost the same level as a smoker
Second-hand smoke contains more than 7000 chemicals, with 69 cancer-causing chemicals
There is no known safe level of exposure to second-hand smoke

	Second-hand smoke has been confirmed as a cause of lung cancer in humans by several leading health authorities.
	Passive smoking increases the risk of respiratory illnesses in children, including asthma, bronchitis and pneumonia.

People who have never smoked who live with people who do smoke are at increased risk of a range of tobacco-related diseases, including lung cancer, heart disease and stroke.

All bullshit, right? I had pneumonia as a child, with meningococcal septicaemia at the same time. Was expecting to die. I have heart and respiratory issues to date over 40 years later. All bullshit. I guess I don't need to tell you my opinion of your actions, @RedRainSinister ?

SimplySteve · 09/01/2019 03:25

Oops bold fail.

FuckingYuleLog · 09/01/2019 03:30

All very interesting about passive smoking but the op has not asked for opinions on the fact her dp smokes. Some parents smoke. It’s not ideal - we get it. Why are people just repeating that smoking is bad rather than addressing the specific situation the op is talking about?
Still waiting for someone to come on here and say that the Co-op should refuse to let any pg woman buy a bottle of wine.

SimplySteve · 09/01/2019 03:42

I already did, but then I have seen the effects of pregnant drinking. I've seen the results of alcoholism, including death too.

From my post below:
The shopkeeper, if questioned, will likely say it was on id reasons. He shouldn't have spoken out, glad he did. Hope it would be same with alcohol tbh.

brizzledrizzle · 09/01/2019 03:45

Why is wasting money on cigarettes more important than your baby?