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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

shop refused to serve me?!!?

405 replies

elliesm98 · 08/01/2019 21:19

I'm 32 weeks pregnant, OH lost his ID in November and hasn't ordered a new one yet as we are using all our spare money for this baby.
Now, OH smokes and because we are both 20 it is impossible to get served without ID, so i've been going in the shop for him. I usually get them in Tesco or get them delivered with online shopping, but popped into the co-op on our way home earlier, asked for his usual and the cashier loudly said 'I can't serve you, you're pregnant and shouldn't be smoking' in front of all the other customers making me feel embarassed. AIBU to think that this was unprofessional of him and he has no right to comment on what im buying!! maybe i'm just getting emotional about it because of hormones. I mean is he legally allowed to refuse to serve me ?

OP posts:
category12 · 08/01/2019 22:43

I would complain to the shop's management.

bellabasset · 08/01/2019 22:44

It's the same situation as a shop assistant refusing to sell sweets or junk food to someone who is overweight. There's nothing illegal about you buying cigarettes or alcohol.

You should make a complaint as the shop assistant had no business to make an assumption about any purchase you might make or virtually accuse you of putting your baby at risk by smoking

BunsOfAnarchy · 08/01/2019 22:46

Shop assistant was being an arse. Id complain.

In regards to your partner. It doesnt matter if he smokes outside. Trust me you wont want to hand baby over to someone stinking of fags. Its vile.

Also, why cant he be arsed to get ID? Im in my 30s, and get IDd now and again (i look my age unfortunately though!). Isnt it a given that you have some form of id on you if you will regularly buy things that may require proof of id?

Is it a driving license? Although not illegal, if he for whatever reason is stopped by police in his car and cannot produce his license within 7 days then its listed as an offense as 'failing to produce documentation'.
It takes around 7-10 days to receive one in the post as it is.

unfortunateevents · 08/01/2019 22:46

He will quit when he wants to and it’s not an issue for us - given that his partner is about to give birth and that hasn't made him give up, it is difficult to see when he might have a good enough reason to make him want to quit!

Smellbellina · 08/01/2019 22:46

i believe in a woman's right to choose as its her body
It is funny how MN is usually majoratively in favour of body autonomy, including when discussing abortions up to full term, but if a pregnant woman is around/chooses to smoke it all goes out the window.

Original poster
elliesm98 · 08/01/2019 22:49

BunsOfAnarchy

He doesn’t actually smoke that much. Only 4/5 a day, and we usually get them delivered with our groceries so it’s not an immediate issue of needing one (I still have to show ID to the driver)
It’s a provisional licence but he doesn’t drive

OP posts:
BrokenWing · 08/01/2019 22:49

I didn’t realise smoking made someone not responsible or ready to be a dad?

It isn't hard to work out it does make people question his priorities if money is so tight to save for the baby that ID hasn't been bought but he is burning money on something that will have health issues for him and his child.

TeddybearBaby · 08/01/2019 22:50

Op I think this one is hard because there are a lot of people who find it hard to conceive or have suffered loss or are thinking of their own babies and how much they want to protect them and it brings out a judgemental / angry side sometimes. You seem very blasé about the fact your partner smokes but it’s so heavily linked to all sorts of illnesses. It’s literally one of the worst things you can do for your baby.

Anyway the shop assistant sounds judgmental and shouldn’t have put that onto you. So I agree with you that it was wrong but I can’t help but hate the thought of it as well, I am fully aware that it’s none of my business though 🙃

Lisabel · 08/01/2019 22:51

It was probably a bit rude.
However passive smoking by being close to your DP when he is smoking (even though you are not smoking yourself) puts you and your baby at risk. You from premature birth, complications etc. and the baby from things like low birth weight, cot death, breathing problems etc.

Rosehip10 · 08/01/2019 22:54

Is your partner working?

Howhot · 08/01/2019 22:55

RedRainSinister

Wow.

MaryDollNesbitt · 08/01/2019 22:58

Would you refuse to sell:

  • a Whopper meal to an obese person?
  • alcohol to somebody you suspected of having a dependency?
  • formula to a mother because ‘breast in best’?
  • a scratch card to somebody who kept coming back for more, indicating a possible addiction?
  • pork to somebody because it went against your religious beliefs?
  • petrol and diesel because of the harm it does to the environment?

Where does it end? If you work in retail, it’s not your job to bring your damn soapbox to work and decide who is allowed what based on your moral say so. Sheesh!

The fact of the matter is the OP did NOTHING illegal here. You cannot refuse to sell cigarettes to a pregnant woman because it goes against your moral stance. You can disagree with it and cast silent judgement all you like, but the Coop cannot refuse to serve her cigarettes because she is pregnant. Reasons they can refuse sale of an age restricted product like cigarettes? No ID or suspecting it is a proxy sale (buying on behalf of a minor). End of.

This man had absolutely zero guarantees the OP was in fact pregnant - she could have had a weight issue or a serious health problem for all he knew. He also couldn’t know if the cigarettes were even for her - she could have been buying on behalf of a friend or family member (which was the case), or a client if she were a carer, etc. He was unbelievably fucking rude and made several presumptions about the OP when it was NOT his place or his job to do so. Had that happened in my old workplace, he’d have been hauled straight into the office and given a serious warning for such behaviour - and rightly so. He works for a supermarket chain. Part of his job is serving customers politely and respectfully, not harassing and policing them over perceived lifestyle choices.

I would’ve torn the daft cunt a new arsehole had that been me. How dare he.

TheBigBangRocks · 08/01/2019 22:59

I wonder how different these comments would be if it was me going to pick up his weekly crate of beer. I doubt there would be an issue there

I don't think it's any different. Yes smoking can cause damage second hand but the rest is the same. Both are a complete waste of finances and given your ages it's unlikely you are in stable decent paying jobs with a mortgage etc.

As for the shopkeeper, I think he said what a lot of people would have been thinking. It should be illegal to sell alcohol or cigarettes to a pregnant person to protect the child.

Oswin · 08/01/2019 23:00

So if I'm working at macdonalds I can refuse to serve a fat kid. Or refuse to serve you wine because of the strain on the NHS. Or sweets to children.
Nah its just women who are pregnant who suddenly are public property.

SillySallySingsSongs · 08/01/2019 23:00

alcohol to somebody you suspected of having a dependency?

If they were intoxicated yes they can refuse to serve.

TheCraicDealer · 08/01/2019 23:01

He can afford ID, it’s just completely unnecessary to pay out for when he doesn’t use it or need it.

Of course you need photo ID! And not just for smokes. One day he's going to need it urgently (maybe for lifting money out of the bank if he loses his bank card, collecting a parcel, or perhaps to register the baby you're about to have) and he won't have it. A replacement provisional is £20- two packs of twenty cigs.

He should be giving up as it's a colossal waste of money, as well as the SIDS/glue ear/asthma risks for the baby. Even if you don't nag him, I wouldn't be faciliting his habit by going to the shop for him.

Having said that the shop assistant shouldn't have done that to you. You're a person with your own bodily autonomy and that attitude paints you as little more than an incubator. Coming from a woman in NI, that's a dangerous road to go down.

SaturdayNext · 08/01/2019 23:03

He can afford ID, it’s just completely unnecessary to pay out for when he doesn’t use it or need it

He doesn't need cigarettes either, rather the reverse, yet you seem to find it necessary to pay out for them.

And if he wants to carry on buying them he definitely needs it. Or are you proposing to go out and buy his fags for him when you're in labour and when you have a tiny newborn?

Oswin · 08/01/2019 23:04

I think men should be banned from any alcohol at all because of the amount of men who attack women while drunk. Is that OK?

GunpowderGelatine · 08/01/2019 23:04

I’m not going to keep nagging at him and force him to quit smoking, what is that going to achieve?

Well he could quit smoking

He will quit when he wants to and it’s not an issue for us.

But it will be for your baby who has to suffer second hand smoke, or is he going to be the type who smokes over baby's peak?

I wonder how different these comments would be if it was me going to pick up his weekly crate of beer. I doubt there would be an issue there

Well yes because you're baby won't be ill with second hand smoke because none comes from beer

GunpowderGelatine · 08/01/2019 23:04

PS you should have said to the shop assistant "I'm not pregnant just fat mate" and watched his face Grin

Magenta46 · 08/01/2019 23:05

By law they have to see ID if they think you are under 25. Why cant he get his own fags?

BanditoShipman · 08/01/2019 23:07

Op you should complain, it was out of order.... but just think about this for a minute...

When your baby is born it will be the most precious thing in your life and you will do anything to protect it. Knowing your partners smoking could lead to an increased risk of cot death will not sit well with you.

Rosehip10 · 08/01/2019 23:07

@MaryDollNesbitt

Any shop can refuse to serve any person if they so choose - no justification needs to be given.

GunpowderGelatine · 08/01/2019 23:07

He doesn’t smoke around me and he won’t be smoking around a baby as he goes outside

Doesn't matter, smoke stays in clothes and can be harmful especially to a newborn. And seeing as you asked yes I do think refusing to quit smoking when you're skint and have a newborn on the way DOES make an irresponsible parent

.

WorraLiberty · 08/01/2019 23:08

alcohol to somebody you suspected of having a dependency?

If they were intoxicated yes they can refuse to serve.

That wasn't what she said though.