AIBU over DH's routine as a SAHD?

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It's been a long day and I've had bad news this afternoon so I may be just getting things out of proportion, I'd appreciate some perspective and am genuinely hoping IABU.

I work full time, out of the home mostly. DH is SAHD to our two girls, who are now both at school and have been since Sept '17. I leave at just after 8am and get in around 6pm. DD2 goes to bed at 6pm so usually when I get in DD1 is on her kindle watching rubbish on YouTube or playing Roblox, and DH will be in the kitchen tidying up or doing dinner. I had thought that it was just a chill out after dinner thing, but I've noticed when I WFH that as soon as she is in the door at 3:30 she is straight on YouTube in her bedroom and that goes on for hours, coming down for dinner and maybe to spend 10 minutes with her little sister, but that's it. She is also straight on it on a morning once she's dressed and ready for school, until the moment she leaves for school. During this time DH will be either doing a bit of housework or chilling on his phone waiting for it to be school run time.

It came to a bit of a head tonight when she came in and he asked her to practice piano. She said she didn't want to do piano any more and he said 'ok then, you can go on your kindle until dinner'. So of course she did. I didn't directly witness this as I was working in the study, but apparently he told her to speak to me when I was free, which she didn't. He then came in and told me about it and asked would I speak to her. We could be good cop bad cop etc. I went to talk to her about piano, and took her kindle off her and suggested we make dinner together instead which she did. I was meant to be working at this point but I'd just had enough.

We've argued about it tonight, because I feel like he just lets her have the kindle by default because it's easier, instead of finding actual stuff to do with her. He says it's none of my business how he parents her when I'm at work. I have hardly any free time with her and would love more to do stuff, so my perspective is skewed I know. I also know I'm a bit hung up about screen time because I hate it, and he'll go quoting that news item last week that apparently said not to worry, and says I'm getting stressed about nothing and being my usual self.

How old is she?

Meh. Couldn't get annoyed about it tbh.

She's 7.

flamingofridays that's the kind of answer I was hoping for really. I really need to chill out.

If roles were reversed how would you feel if he tried to take control of how you parent whilst he was at work all day?

I think you might be seeing this through slightly rose tinted spectacles. She is at school engaging her brain all day and probably needs to do something mindless/zone out for a bit when she gets home. The reality is that she would not want to do quality time type stuff with you at the end of the school day. Should she be having that much screen time? Probably not. You and dh need to decide a limit which he will stick to.

Why do you need a SAHP if both the children are at school?

I think everyone has the right to chill out after work / school. What activities would you rather he did with her? Do they ever do things together? Like park or a walk after school if it's nice??

Blanca87 I'm not trying to take control but he did ask me to get involved today so I did and that's what led to the row really.

I totally would get annoyed by this. It’s lazy parenting.

YANBU I'd be pissed off at being told it was none of my business.
My situation is reversed and whilst I'd probably react badly if my DH said the same, guilt and pride would have me trying harder. For a while

So she’s only very young to spend so much time online. Is it kids YouTube? If she’s only what , year 1, is roblox got the chat thing disabled?
Ds would play on his tablet 24/7 if allowed.

I have no advice but that would infuriate me. How old is DD1? - sorry if you said but can’t see it. I am the main breadwinner in our house and DH deals with after school. I WFH so know what goes on and he has instigated a rule that there is no TV or screens until after 5pm. They are then allowed until 6pm when we all eat together. Often they don’t start TV until 5.30 and it stil stops at 6. My DC are 10 and 8 if that’s relevant. And we have a rule that there are no devices in the bedroom (although in fairness DS only has a handheld thing and DD has nothing as she’s never wanted one).

Good luck

7? Too much screen time

Why do you work full time and he's a SAHD? Sounds like you resent this a bit now they're both at school. Could you both work part time instead? more time together as a family and less resentment? He's a shit for saying how he parents them when you're not there is none of your business! You're their mother! Dick.

I’d be furious OP. I’m sorry but a 7 year old having that much screen time is not good, more so because of the not playing with her sister, being alone in her room on you tube, etc etc. Just because he’s a man he does not get to check out of engaging and interacting with his daughter. Also when is she doing homework? Playing? Does he take them out at all after school?

I am not anti screens and both mine have a fair amount but it’s not at the expense of playing etc. I probably would handle it gently as he won’t be happy about you ‘interfering’ but I couldn’t let this continue.

Is she 100% definitely doing this every day?

Ok, so a little older than I thought. I think you will have to compromise. I would be pissed off about being bad cop all the time though.

I would be very annoyed by this! No way would I think that was ok.

What is she doing on her kindle?

She's year 2 but yes I've disabled the chat and requests on roblox. She uses my YouTube account which I really need to sort so she has her own kids one.

@Bluelady what's the relevance of your question to this post? You seem very judgemental!

OP I understand it seems quite lazy parenting, I'm not saying no screen time but other stuff is equally as important.

A discussion is needed!

I wouldn't be happy with this either op. It's a cop out and is lazy. She might be tired after school, but he could point her towards other activities like colouring, reading, playing games or with toys etc. It doesn't have to be taxing and surely would be better for her than being glued to a screen.

I hate seeing dd using a tablet as she is like a zombie. I think we could be burgled and she wouldn't even notice. It can't be healthy, they aren't in the real world. For this reason dds tablet wasn't replaced when it broke, and the world is still turning!

YANBU sounds like too much screentime to me. She doesn’t need to be on it that often.
I disagree that you are trying to control his routine when you clearly have concerns about what she’s getting up to. She will need wind down time but it doesn’t all need to be screen based. He sounds lazy. He has the whole time they are at school to be on his phone but he is using that time when they are there before they go. Maybe she is following his example?

Far too much screen time. She is literally spending all her waking hours outside of school on roblox or YouTube!!

What about homework, playing with friends, he park, hobbies etc? Do they literally not leave the house other than for school?

What crock that it’s none of your business how he parents during the day. You’re their parent too! It would be one thing to micromanage every minor decision, but you both have every right to be involved in major ones, like broadly how you’d like your kids to spend their free time.

Also, perhaps he could see the logical breakdown in what he said if you extrapolate it out. For example, presumably other decisions affecting the family, like finances using the money you earn, are also joint and of mutual interest?

I would be worried about his attitude - it seems like lazy parenting and he doesn’t see you as a team. Which is worrying for you if the relationship breaks down and he’s still a sahp to children in school.

It's lazy parenting and I think too much screen time on a regular basis for her.