AIBU over DH's routine as a SAHD?

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It's been a long day and I've had bad news this afternoon so I may be just getting things out of proportion, I'd appreciate some perspective and am genuinely hoping IABU.

I work full time, out of the home mostly. DH is SAHD to our two girls, who are now both at school and have been since Sept '17. I leave at just after 8am and get in around 6pm. DD2 goes to bed at 6pm so usually when I get in DD1 is on her kindle watching rubbish on YouTube or playing Roblox, and DH will be in the kitchen tidying up or doing dinner. I had thought that it was just a chill out after dinner thing, but I've noticed when I WFH that as soon as she is in the door at 3:30 she is straight on YouTube in her bedroom and that goes on for hours, coming down for dinner and maybe to spend 10 minutes with her little sister, but that's it. She is also straight on it on a morning once she's dressed and ready for school, until the moment she leaves for school. During this time DH will be either doing a bit of housework or chilling on his phone waiting for it to be school run time.

It came to a bit of a head tonight when she came in and he asked her to practice piano. She said she didn't want to do piano any more and he said 'ok then, you can go on your kindle until dinner'. So of course she did. I didn't directly witness this as I was working in the study, but apparently he told her to speak to me when I was free, which she didn't. He then came in and told me about it and asked would I speak to her. We could be good cop bad cop etc. I went to talk to her about piano, and took her kindle off her and suggested we make dinner together instead which she did. I was meant to be working at this point but I'd just had enough.

We've argued about it tonight, because I feel like he just lets her have the kindle by default because it's easier, instead of finding actual stuff to do with her. He says it's none of my business how he parents her when I'm at work. I have hardly any free time with her and would love more to do stuff, so my perspective is skewed I know. I also know I'm a bit hung up about screen time because I hate it, and he'll go quoting that news item last week that apparently said not to worry, and says I'm getting stressed about nothing and being my usual self.

Why do you need a SAHP if both the children are at school?

This has ZERO relevance to the post.

You can set max screen time per day for a kindle and also set it so that a certain amount of education apps /reading books must be done before the ‘fun stuff’.

He/it sounds like lazy parenting.

My kids have to earn their game time for music practise/chores/homework.

The amount of time spent on screens can be neither here or there, a very important skill to learn is to be able to turn it off to do something else/ the self discipline to limit yourself. She is likely to have screens around her all her life, he needs to teach her how to step away from them too.

I'd be really annoyed. He's a sahp of two children at school, he has all day to do the housework and prep dinner. Wtf is he doing all day?
We have 4 DCs between 4 months and 7, and I'm home with them all day - and without being any kind of super parent, limit weekday screen time to 30 mins for the eldest, and that is only when I'm putting the younger ones to bed and DH isn't home. At 7 she should be playing, reading, maybe helping with the cleaning while having a chat... she'll be missing out on lots, and I'd also worry about setting up bad habits for the future about how to spend leisure time, as well as internet safety.

It's not controlling how anyone parents, it's having a say in how your dcs are spending their time. He's at home, but op is at work earning the money, they should be a team.

Hang on, so your 7 year old has unsupervised access to normal YouTube. Are you serious?!? That's awful if the case

I don't resent the fact I work and he doesn't. It's just what works for our particular circumstances.

It’s also not great that she is having this internet access in her room. She's 7, it needs to be supervised.

And yes to pp saying it's lazy parenting. Yes DC want to relax after school but that doesn't have to equal screen time

In my opinion that's way too much screen time. Given that your dh is at home full time and the children are at school for a large chunk of the day it is very lazy parenting indeed. Downtime and relaxing can be done without screens. Of course it's ok to let them watch something but not from straight after school until bedtime every day.

I wouldn't be at all happy with that. When does she read? Play with toys? Chat to her dad? It also sounds like way too much screen time for a 7 year old obviously everyone has different standards Nd different aspects of parenthood they find important but for me personally it would be a big deal.

Tell him if your not allowed an opinion on his parenting then he needs to stop asking you to get involved.

DH and I have always organised work schedules so most days of the week DC are picked up from school by us. The reason we did that (taking the financial hit) is so the kids get the benefit of our time while they're young. Sounds like if she's just on the kindle she'd actually be better off at after school club.

I think kids need some chill time when they get home but surely at that age she's supervised on YouTube?

Out of interest what does he do all day if the dc are at school? Can he get a job? O know it's not relevant to the post but why does he need to be a SAHD??

I would be more worried about a 7 year old having unsupervised access to the internet/YouTube in her room. My 7yo barely goes on screens and certainly never unsupervised. I'm reading a book called the cyber effect about how our behaviour changes online. I highly recommend it - it terrified me! And whilst that report may have said screen time isn't damaging, I would argue it isn't the amount of time but what it replaces and what they are watching/viewing.

A chat with dh about both your boundaries and approach to internet use is needed urgently imo.

I would also be furious about this and I can’t believe some people on this thread are saying it’s fine...

It’s very lazy parenting. Screen time is incredibly addictive and the problem is that most kids can’t self-regulate and would spend most free time on screens if allowed to do so. At 7, she should be playing with toys/games, reading, drawing, etc. While screen time as such may not be damaging (no conclusive evidence on this) what is damaging is the fact that screen time can displace other activities that are actually of some value!

Per your post, I think he's doing a shit job.

They're at school all day, and he lets her spend before school and all her time after school on electronic tablets/kindles/internet? ANd now she's dropping piano so she can have more time online? And he doesn't see the problem here?

Wow.

Not much actual parenting going on there...

I wouldn’t be happy with that much screen time. I think it’s lazy parenting to be honest. He has all day to do his dinner prep, shopping, cleaning, chill and whatever else. After school he should be doing homework, spending time with them, Park and only a small amount of Screen time.

You (ie both of you) let a 7 year old have unsupervised access to the internet for hours every day? That’s really not responsible. If she’s on the internet she should be somewhere that her parent can see what she’s watching.

Your DH and DD have just resorted to doing what works for them, keeps them both happy and makes for an easy life BUT is not in the best interest of your child. All too tempting to do but agree with PP is lazy parenting. Sounds like your DH is on the defensive so maybe try starting the new year afresh with some set limits and suggestions of other activities instead.

I really wouldn't be happy with this. I'd also be worried about a section year old using YouTube by herself behind a closed door for hours. You can find all sorts of shit on there. And I don't really think it's judgemental to ask why a family with two children in school still have a SAHP.

I'd be pissed off too. Dts are 7, they are not allowed bloody you tube AT ALL during the week. I'm not against screens, if they have done their homework / activity etc then they can have them and play games - CBBC or go on busy things or bug club.

At the weekend they can have you tube. The problem is the more they have the more they want and then the tantrums start so it was easier to just have a blanket ban.

There is no way I would let them be in their rooms on an adult you tube account with no supervision. They can find all sorts incredibly easily. They have no idea what Roblox is.

of course it's your business - she is your child! jesus - it would be your business if a childminder let your kid spend hours on screens each day.

I have my kids most days after school (not sure how that makes him a SAHD though?? they are at school most of the day) - and yes my husband is entitled to have opinions on what we do/ how much screen time there is - obviously micromanaging another parent isn't fair -

BUT - she is 7 - she should learn how to amuse herself/ do lego/ mix this up with screen time etc - I would say mroe than an hour of screen time after school is too much though I know many would do a lot more.

My kids watch a lot of TV so Im really not judgemental about that - but playing ona table for hours is not good for them - and if he doesn't have any other job he could be thinking of activities for them.

also - screens before school is not necessary - it's only a short amount of time and if they can't learn to entertain themselves then they really will end up as screen addicts.

I wouldn't call it lazy as that is a very emotionally loaded phrase, more term it that you don't feel comfortable with her having that much screen time and can you as a parenting team decide a reasonable daily limit.

My DD has no screen time limit, I just make sure we have a flexible balance. She does creative activities, free play with toys, reading, a physical activity (dancing or park) and a post-nursery chat with me every day. Around that, if she's tired (eg days where she has been to swimming, soft play and nursery) and wants to watch videos, she watches quite a lot, more than was previously recommended. On other days, none at all.

It's not about laziness necessarily but making sure you have a united view on how screen time will be managed. Only when she's had a busy day to get her through to dinner time? Or an hour after school? Or earned by doing homework etc first?

OP I'd be fuming too. His role is to be a focused, primary SAH parent - key bit being that he's meant to take a lead on the parenting side of things, and it doesn't sound like he is at all.

He should be prepping bits for dinner before they get home, surely? why is he doing the bulk of that when he could be helping them with homework, catching up on their day, etc? Housework too, why is he leaving that until the very part of the day where they could get some quality time together or talk with them? what is he doing all day?

that's one issue.

the other issue is giving hours of unsupervised access to the internet to a child of 7 - that's not just lazy parenting, that's downright dangerous, you need to sort this out ASAP. apart from the inappropriate content she might be accessing, there's other stuff too like social media pressure she might be getting exposed too far too early..

The final, more baffling issue is, why doesn't he want to actively parent in the key part of the day (between them getting home and them getting to bed)? Did he choose to be a SAHP? Does he enjoy it? Maybe he'd be better suited to working outside the home for a while and getting paid childcare in place (which will actually be proper child-focused care!).

Honestly he sounds like a useless SAHP if he can’t be asked to find activities to do with DC when you aren’t around. Be honest. He probably needs a reminder that his being at home was to benefit the kids — if that’s not happening he should go to work and pay for the Nanny who does do this kind of stuff.

And I don't really think it's judgemental to ask why a family with two children in school still have a SAHP

Would you think it was judgemental to ask why parents had kids if they are papping them off from 8 until 6 every day? Or would you say every family is different and mind your own fucking business. Yeah thought so.