AIBU over DH's routine as a SAHD?

[ShopHero]

It's been a long day and I've had bad news this afternoon so I may be just getting things out of proportion, I'd appreciate some perspective and am genuinely hoping IABU.

I work full time, out of the home mostly. DH is SAHD to our two girls, who are now both at school and have been since Sept '17. I leave at just after 8am and get in around 6pm. DD2 goes to bed at 6pm so usually when I get in DD1 is on her kindle watching rubbish on YouTube or playing Roblox, and DH will be in the kitchen tidying up or doing dinner. I had thought that it was just a chill out after dinner thing, but I've noticed when I WFH that as soon as she is in the door at 3:30 she is straight on YouTube in her bedroom and that goes on for hours, coming down for dinner and maybe to spend 10 minutes with her little sister, but that's it. She is also straight on it on a morning once she's dressed and ready for school, until the moment she leaves for school. During this time DH will be either doing a bit of housework or chilling on his phone waiting for it to be school run time.

It came to a bit of a head tonight when she came in and he asked her to practice piano. She said she didn't want to do piano any more and he said 'ok then, you can go on your kindle until dinner'. So of course she did. I didn't directly witness this as I was working in the study, but apparently he told her to speak to me when I was free, which she didn't. He then came in and told me about it and asked would I speak to her. We could be good cop bad cop etc. I went to talk to her about piano, and took her kindle off her and suggested we make dinner together instead which she did. I was meant to be working at this point but I'd just had enough.

We've argued about it tonight, because I feel like he just lets her have the kindle by default because it's easier, instead of finding actual stuff to do with her. He says it's none of my business how he parents her when I'm at work. I have hardly any free time with her and would love more to do stuff, so my perspective is skewed I know. I also know I'm a bit hung up about screen time because I hate it, and he'll go quoting that news item last week that apparently said not to worry, and says I'm getting stressed about nothing and being my usual self.

If it's a kids' Kindle Fire (or any Fire with a child account under the household account), you can set screen limits eg 1-hour of apps, unlimited reading, etc. You can also choose what content they can access - including which apps they can use. It is absolutely kid-friendly but you need to set up the controls. x

I think the advantage of having a SAHP for school aged children is twofold: firstly, the kids can take part in activities after school that require transportation/significant organisation and secondly, you get to be “on it” with regards to homework/what they’re up to. It doesn’t sound to me like your DH is doing either of those.

I don’t have a problem with screen time per se; obviously, it depends what they’re doing on the screen! One of my DDs spends a lot of time researching a subject she’s interested in; I don’t see that very differently from her reading a book. Mathletics etc are all very educational. If she’s constantly on games/TV, however, that’s a different matter and it does smack of lazy parenting (akin to sitting her in front of the TV all the time.....).

Not fair at all to say it’s none of your business, though - you are absolutely entitled to an opinion, especially when we’re talking about macro level stuff. (If you’re nit picking about what they’re eating for a particular meal? Maybe unfair as you need to take the whole picture into account. But a discussion about screen time? Perfectly reasonable for any parent).

I stand by my opinion that a 7 year old, alone in her room, with unsupervised access to you tube is not a good idea. The sibling thing- but she does have a sibling. She’s not an only child. Of course I wasn’t saying that an only child is a bad thing.

bibbity OP has just said her DD2 is disabled, I imagine that’s why she goes to bed at 6pm.

OP - I’d be really cross about this. First, being asked to be “bad cop” - not on, that’s him chickening out of the difficult part. Second, the screen in her bedroom. Third, the sheer amount of screen time. Fourth, not bothering to enforce piano practice.

I’m a fairly lazy SAHP to one school age and one nursery age and they watch a fair bit of tv but tbh your DH makes me look like supermum. I suspect he’s a bit addicted to his phone and will do anything for a quiet life. Unless there is missing info like your DD2 requires a lot of his time?

@RandomMess - I've never met one. Op doesn't get home til 6, surely her dd can stay up an hour longer to actually see her other parent?

Perhaps it's time to shift everything in the household so that op isn't sole earner, her dh isn't sole child carer. He isn't doing a great job is he?

He could get a job and they could have an au pair or after school childminder.

Everyone's different but I'd consider that way too much screen time.

In our DS of the same age is allowed 30-60 minutes a night (downstairs no YouTube.)

Of course it's not none of your business.

Micromanaging the other parent is not on but big picture stuff like how much screen time is definitely a joint conversation.

Also there's a big difference between telling someone who has the children all day how to do it and telling someone who has them only before and after school. There's a massive chunk in the middle of the day for your DH to relax/do house stuff so it's not an enormous ask for him to manage the 3.30-bed time slot without recourse to endless screens.

I think it's absolutely your business and I agree that there should be more engagement rather than just giving her screen time because it is simple. My DH works away all week and I work 2 days from home (school hours) and 2 longer days in the office each week. I'm essentially a single parent all week and it would be SO easy to come home and get on with jobs while they stare at the TV but I try not to let that happen. They get maybe 30 mins of TV/PlayStation when we get home while I put dinner on, empty the dishwasher etc then I insist the screens go off and they quite often toddle off and play together (despite having a 5 year gap) - they do lego or play with cars. DS2 then gets one episode of paw patrol before bed and DS1 gets to watch something of his choice while I put DS2 to bed then the TV is off again and we do his homework then something together (a game, draw a picture, a jigsaw...) I actually notice the kids are much happier and more agreeable the less time they spend staring at a screen. I'm not against it, when we go on long journeys we'd be lost without the iPad and Nintendo DS but I don't like it being the default activity. If I were you I'd try to put a schedule in place. We have an app called OurPact on the iPad and you can set a daily time limit, and also award extra time (e.g. for good behaviour, or for helping out etc).

Why do you need a SAHP if both the children are at school?
This is never much asked of a sahm,there'd be mayhem and red faces at such a question

Yanbu

My 9yo does clarinet & taekwondo. If he thought he'd be allowed to give up music to play computer games & watch YouTube, he'd be delighted!

She's old enough to help with chores until he had time to engage with her. If I was in his shoes, I'd have all the meal prep etc done while they are at school so he can help with homework & do stuff. This does sound like lazy parenting to me.

I’m sorry but I wouod very unhappy about her spending so much time on a screen.
I appreciate that many people aren’t BUT this shouod be a JOINT parenting decision. Not him doing ut because it’s easier.
At the very least you need a discussion about screen time, come to a decision together and then I would expect him to stick to it.

Does the kindle have a record of how long she spends on it everyday? The update in the iPad has that and tbh it has been revelation for me of how long I’m spending in that thing everyday... and not a good one either.

I would also have an issue with the good cop/bad cop idea. What was he expecting you to be? The bad cop?

...and I can't believe the number of people on here telling you that your kid goes to bed too early, your DH should be working, you should get a nanny. You don't need to explain your lifestyle choices or your routine. Tell them to bugger off and stick to the topic!

And btw, how much time your dcs are spending in fo nt of a screen IS very much your business.
Don’t let peole try and convince you that, because he is a SAHD, then he can do whatever he likes.
Yes some times, it’s easier to let them play in the kindle. But spending so many’s hours isn’t ‘just using it to help things along’. It’s using it as a full time babysitter!

Also worth remembering that, at that age, hildren can be left alone to PLAY or read and don’t need supervision. So he can still tidy up the kitchen wo her been in the tablet.

bibbity she has quadriplegic CP. Hope that makes it less appalling for you.

I'm leaving this thread now because, well, Clarabella has it in a nutshell.
It's amazing how judgmental people are of our situation. Makes me realise what people in our real life are probably saying behind our backs!

Thanks to everyone who gave useful advice, insight and food for thought.

Wow, I thought you were going to say she was a teenager! That's really sad that she's just spending all that time alone watching other people's lives when she's just 7. I'd be really upset if I was in your situation. Is there any chance you could go part time or so flexitime? My OH can only cope with one child at a time (we have 3). Otherwise it's constant screens. He would never think to set up an activity for them or take them to the park. Can you show him some recommendations about screen time or some ideas for activities?

After school club?

YANBU. It is absolutely your business how he parents her - you are both her parents and things like screen time should be discussed between you and decided on together. There's no need to micromanage, but screen time/access to websites etc is something I think you both need to agree on and present a united front.

My DH is a SAHD. He admitted to using screens as a babysitter for DS1 and we were both guilty of it at weekends. We've had lots of discussions recently about screen time for DS1 (he's 7, nearly 8). We have cut it down hugely since October and the difference in his behaviour has been unbelievable. He's allowed the TV on before school and after school but it goes off just before dinner (around 6ish) and doesn't go back on again for the DC. Weekends he can have an hour on his Xbox each day and DH quite often plays on it with him. He has an Amazon Fire tablet and a DS which he is only allowed in school holidays and only for an hour max on alternate days, depending on behaviour. He's not allowed to go on YouTube or Roblox anymore after his cousin of the same age was showing him some truly awful things on YT when they were all at PILs. No TVs/consoles/tablets upstairs in our house. No unsupervised access to the Internet. There's also a rule that DH and I can't use our mobiles other than to take/make any necessary calls from when I get in from work (4.45ish) to when the DC go to bed (8ish). DS1 will remind us of it if necessary

He objected to the new rules for maybe a week, but rarely even asks for his tablet any more. He does reading, colouring, craft stuff, organising his football cards, helping with dinner, playing with his little brother instead after school. At the weekend we try to go to the park or forest for a walk, or meet up with friends, or even just spend time together in the house playing uno or board games. He's like a different child and family life is much better for it. His concentration has improved no end at school as well. I'd definitely recommend cutting it down as much as possible, but make sure your DH puts his phone down too!

It sounds like they've just got into a routine that isn't very good. You don't actually have to ban or time kids screen time - he just needs to offer them more interesting options. My kids are about the same age as yours - we still do imaginative role play (today I was Mary Poppins and they were the Banks children, so yeah, screen inspired, other times it's books or animals or knights) - they gravitate towards screens at the times they have come to expect them. I am the only adult in the house some weeks, and I've noticed I can make the children do stuff simply by moving things about so they notice them and come up with the idea themselves! I think life sounds a little bit lonely for your dd, (although mine will disappear and make things / colour for a while, it doesn't have the obsessive element that screens do).
I don't think the changes needed will be hard on your partner, the hard part is getting him to spontaneously decide the needs to make them!

I don't know ShopHero. I don't know if a child with your dd's conditions needs more sleep than other children, excuse my ignorance. Does it mean that his sahp role is not quite the same as the average sahp role of 2 school age children? I imagine it does.

this would really bother me. Of course it's your business- you are their mother. He sounds like he is being overly defensive because he knows this isn't right.

I have DS's aged 8 and 5 (plus a baby)- there are occasional times after school when I am knackered that I would dearly love to just stick the two older ones on a kindle until bedtime so that I don't have to deal with arguments/ tantrums/ think of activities etc etc. But we have a pretty strict no screen time during the week rule which I only ever break if they or I are ill. This is because I want them to spend their time playing together or separately, building lego, spending time with me, reading, doing arts and crafts, playing board games, doing puzzles, practicing insttruments (older one) doing homework etc etc or going to the park or activities. (In reality they also spend a fair amount of time arguing with each other/ playing overly boisterous games until someone gets hurt/ demanding snacks and competing for my attention.)
I find when they are on their screens too much (weekends and holidays) they literally lose the ability to do much else when the screens are off and wander round saying they are bored and waiting for the next bit of screentime. When there are no screens available they seem to relearn the skill of self entertaining. Also, even though I sometimes dread the "play with me" requests, when I actually do get down and play with them and spend proper time with them we all enjoy it and I feel much closer to them and happier in my role as a parent. I don't mean this to sound smug- I oftent feel exhausted and overwhelmed at the day to day grind of parenting and which I could delegate my responsiblities to an ipad, but I don't, and ultimately I'm glad of that for their sakes and mine.

Is he ignoring your younger DD to the same extent as DD1? What is she doing/where is she while DD1 is in her room?

Why do you need a SAHP if both the children are at school?

Because jobs between 9.30 and 2.30 within a 3 mile radius are hard to come by?

I'd say chill out. Ignore the whining idiots insisting that screentime is the greatest threat to human nature since whatever the last ridiculous moral panic was. Children should be allowed to spend their leisure time doing what they want to do, not what their parents think a 'normal' child ought to be doing.

YANBU
Of course it’s your concern what they do.
He should be able to discuss that like grown up parents discuss most child related decisions.

He sounds very switched off and defensive also, probably because he knows he isn’t winning any parenting awards but is too lethargic to make changes.
Is he bored being at home in the day or does he do hobbies and see friends etc?

I do think as a SAHP to school age kids the least you can do is be present and engage with them after school.

Work out a way he can work and you still have care for your DD2 if being at home isn’t working for him.

And seriously get a handle on your SEVEN year old have unfettered access to you tube alone in her room. Mindless watching for hours of all those weird influencer accounts is massively unhealthy.

My DD (11) gets home at 5pm. The very last thing she wants to do is piano practice or some 'arts and crafts'. Most of her homework is set on an ipad, nothing wring with it. We had to buy it for school.

She eats then finally relaxes and my only rule is half an hour of reading a proper book before bed.

I really don't think he sounds like a lazy parent at all.

My DD has a youtube account! She does animations as a hobby and also paints sometimes. But she watches science videos and memes, I know your DD is a little bit younger perhaps, but, it is the way of the world now. EG We don't even own a T.V.

Don't worry OP