AIBU over DH's routine as a SAHD?

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It's been a long day and I've had bad news this afternoon so I may be just getting things out of proportion, I'd appreciate some perspective and am genuinely hoping IABU.

I work full time, out of the home mostly. DH is SAHD to our two girls, who are now both at school and have been since Sept '17. I leave at just after 8am and get in around 6pm. DD2 goes to bed at 6pm so usually when I get in DD1 is on her kindle watching rubbish on YouTube or playing Roblox, and DH will be in the kitchen tidying up or doing dinner. I had thought that it was just a chill out after dinner thing, but I've noticed when I WFH that as soon as she is in the door at 3:30 she is straight on YouTube in her bedroom and that goes on for hours, coming down for dinner and maybe to spend 10 minutes with her little sister, but that's it. She is also straight on it on a morning once she's dressed and ready for school, until the moment she leaves for school. During this time DH will be either doing a bit of housework or chilling on his phone waiting for it to be school run time.

It came to a bit of a head tonight when she came in and he asked her to practice piano. She said she didn't want to do piano any more and he said 'ok then, you can go on your kindle until dinner'. So of course she did. I didn't directly witness this as I was working in the study, but apparently he told her to speak to me when I was free, which she didn't. He then came in and told me about it and asked would I speak to her. We could be good cop bad cop etc. I went to talk to her about piano, and took her kindle off her and suggested we make dinner together instead which she did. I was meant to be working at this point but I'd just had enough.

We've argued about it tonight, because I feel like he just lets her have the kindle by default because it's easier, instead of finding actual stuff to do with her. He says it's none of my business how he parents her when I'm at work. I have hardly any free time with her and would love more to do stuff, so my perspective is skewed I know. I also know I'm a bit hung up about screen time because I hate it, and he'll go quoting that news item last week that apparently said not to worry, and says I'm getting stressed about nothing and being my usual self.

What is he doing all day while the dc are at school? If he is busy taking care of 3 horses, 2 dogs, visiting elderly parents and is an enthusiastic volunteer at the children’s school each day then he deserves a bit of down time after picking up the dc, but if he is mooching around the house, putting on a load of washing and then spending the rest of the playing on his phone, he is seriously taking the mick!
And tbh, even if his days do resemble the first example, he should still be trying to engage with his dc when he picks them up.

Nothing wrong with using tablets or computers. When I was a kid, I was glued to reading books because Kindles didn't exist. Some kids are just quiet, indoor types. However, I would have insisted on doing her music practice (which is homework). He'd told her to do her practice. You then presumably told her to do her practice. Net result, she still skipped her music practice. To me, it doesn't matter whether she's using her Kindle or "helping" to cook - neither activity is piano. x

As an argument you can point out to him about screen time - there are two separate issues - firstly the screen itself is addictive and not good for kids that young - she shouldn't be unsupervised on youtube at all.

Secondly - what is it replacing? School is pretty sedentary sadly especially from year one onwards - where is the running about / being imaginative/ chatting to her parents/ drawing etc/

7 year olds from my experience don't do much free play at school so it's really important she gets to do that

I would be actually sick at the thought of my 7 year old spending three hours a day on a kindle.

And it is relevant that he is a SAHD despite them being at school because it means he has plenty of free time to sort the house out and should be spending time with them properly when they come out of school.

As someone said - they would be better off in after school club

YANBU.

The YouTube thing: you don't know what she's getting access to there at all. I wouldn't even trust kids YouTube unsupervised because inappropriate things slip through. There was a big deal about it last year and while they've done some work to fix it, nothing is 100% on a platform where people are uploading their own videos.

He is being a massive arse. That report didn't say unlimited screen time was fine, what it said was it was impossible to set an age appropriate limit because every child was different. It also said if screen time was displaying other regular activities, like socialising, exercise etc, then that was when it was a risk to a child's wellbeing.

Do your DC do any activities on weekday evenings?? If not then that is an awful lot of screen time 5 days per week...

You can't compare reading a book to spending hours flicking through youtube videos - one is good for children and one clearly isn't.

Eg 10 year old tonight comes home, snack and chat about day, 15 ish mins flute, reads book, watches tv, goes to do team sport, reads in bed.

As kids remember watching a lot of tv after school. Think it’s ok but need to get balance right. Personally would not allow unfettered you tube access easy to accidentally see inappropriate stuff esp if alone in room. It’s not great but very hard for you to manage.

Time spent with parents is when children of this age learn all the stuff they don’t get at school, including belief systems, culture, family stories etc etc. Children who spend most of their time on screens are learning others’ culture and values which may not be a good fit with yours. Plus their sleep will be affected if there isn’t a break before bedtime. When will your DDs form a close bond if they don’t spend time together?
I think you need to research the matter and then sit down and discuss it in a calm way with your DH

He isn't actually parenting her, is he? She is either at school or on a device on her own. That's really sad. I'd be really pissed off at this.

He needs to get a job and you need to get a nanny.

I've completely taken on board the YT comments. It's wifework to sort out in this house and I'm not the one with a bunch of time on my hands but it will be my priority tomorrow. It's a kids kindle fire so I think I made the wrong assumption that it was kid friendly iyswim.
He's a SAHP because younger DD is disabled so he quit work when she was pre-school (lots of hospital appts then and now, plus social workers, school meetings for EHCP, and all that stuff). He also draws a small pension whereas I don't/wouldn't. I'm not sure why this is relevant really but there you go.

Does she have no clubs, sports, art etc after school? Seems a lot of screen time, not good IMO.

Mind you, I was never one for endless creative endeavours or puzzles etc, but we did get out in the fresh air lots and did as many cheap school clubs as possible!

He says it's none of my business how he parents her when I'm at work. I have hardly any free time with her and would love more to do stuff, so my perspective is skewed I know. I also know I'm a bit hung up about screen time because I hate it, and he'll go quoting that news item last week that apparently said not to worry, and says I'm getting stressed about nothing and being my usual self.
Of course it's your business,you are her mother ffs! And I don't think your perception is skewed at all-that is just what your husband wants you to believe in order for him to carry on with his lazy parenting-because there is no way a 7 year old should be spending so much,if any,unsupervised time online. UANBU!

She does Brownies and Piano, and any after school clubs offered which are none at her school atm.

No point forking out for piano lessons if that’s his attitude to practice. Save your money.

I think the discussion needs to include that she's likely addicted to it...

No screens before school and then an allowance after school. It will take time for her to engage in playing again.

I round be asking him to actively encourage play dates, and piano she needs to carry on until the summer and practice "most" days.

It's going to be a hard slog for him if he's on board to change these habits.

I wouldn't be bothered about 2 hours on Youtube after school.
I would prefer it to be in the living room.
I would be checking all homework is being done/achieving well at school.
And I would make sure that if she is quitting the Piano that it was replaced by another activity.

Of course it's your business how he parents. You are supposed to be together and share views, agreeing boundaries and discipline (I don't mean punishment).
You agree in private and you never disagree on parenting in front of the dc. Sometimes you need to compromise for the greater good.
I think you are right OP, but others would disagree.

Sometimes I let my (much younger) child do this. Most people do sometimes I'd say but the difference is that a) i feel guilty when it happens and b) it's not like that every day.

My niece was allowed far too much screen time when she was younger (in my opinion) because it was easier on her SAHD, and now she's 12 and I would say is happy enough but tbh somewhat lacking in social skills and a bit immature? Sounds mean of me but I think it's really made a difference.

Try to get him to see that some balance is needed?

why does your school age dd2 go to bed at 6pm? I find that appalling! When does she see you?

Ds1 was 7 at Christmas he got his first tablet for bday and Christmas and already regretting it. He becomes completely obsessed with screens and we have taken this long to give him supervised access to them on a regular basis. id prefer he didn't have it at all in the week as 3 days a week he goes to afyeeschool club as we both working. Luckily he has football 3 x a week and beavers on top but would happily spend life on tablet or watching tv.

Dh needs to step up there letting her play endlessly on these things is clearly not doing her any good.

Trust the anti screen brigade to be out in force, all the while endlessly tapping messages into MN here

more so because of the not playing with her sister, being alone in her room

You make it sound like having an only child would be a bad thing because that's how it'd be with one. Not all siblings have to be joined at the hip

If it’s an issue, it’s a small one. I think it’s good to make parenting decisions as a couple but ultimately what I decide to do while I’m looking after my children on a day to day basis, needs to be my decision. Otherwise I’d feel like I was being managed by the other parent rather than coparenting with them (power dynamics can be especially sensitive when one is SAHP and one is working). Thankfully my husband hasn’t ever passed comment on my parenting when I’m having a less than perfect day, except to be sympathetic/encouraging.

On a slightly more practical note, we’ve found getting passes to local outdoor spots - zoos and farms etc has helped use the odd hour well and gives the kids a bit of exercise.

YANBU. DH and I are both in full time work (with some working from home) and neither of us would just let the kids be zombies on their tablets all evening. Maybe, when things are calmer, ask him how he expects to get his teenage daughter to be responsible and engage in family life if he's not setting the groundwork out now. It’s a recipe for disaster if he takes the easy option every time. He’ll suffer - she won’t respect him. It’s worth a bit of investment now. For your long term sanity.

@bibbitybobbityyhat done DC are just knackered and ready to go to sleep by then!!! Depends how early they get up as well...