AIBU over DH's routine as a SAHD?

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It's been a long day and I've had bad news this afternoon so I may be just getting things out of proportion, I'd appreciate some perspective and am genuinely hoping IABU.

I work full time, out of the home mostly. DH is SAHD to our two girls, who are now both at school and have been since Sept '17. I leave at just after 8am and get in around 6pm. DD2 goes to bed at 6pm so usually when I get in DD1 is on her kindle watching rubbish on YouTube or playing Roblox, and DH will be in the kitchen tidying up or doing dinner. I had thought that it was just a chill out after dinner thing, but I've noticed when I WFH that as soon as she is in the door at 3:30 she is straight on YouTube in her bedroom and that goes on for hours, coming down for dinner and maybe to spend 10 minutes with her little sister, but that's it. She is also straight on it on a morning once she's dressed and ready for school, until the moment she leaves for school. During this time DH will be either doing a bit of housework or chilling on his phone waiting for it to be school run time.

It came to a bit of a head tonight when she came in and he asked her to practice piano. She said she didn't want to do piano any more and he said 'ok then, you can go on your kindle until dinner'. So of course she did. I didn't directly witness this as I was working in the study, but apparently he told her to speak to me when I was free, which she didn't. He then came in and told me about it and asked would I speak to her. We could be good cop bad cop etc. I went to talk to her about piano, and took her kindle off her and suggested we make dinner together instead which she did. I was meant to be working at this point but I'd just had enough.

We've argued about it tonight, because I feel like he just lets her have the kindle by default because it's easier, instead of finding actual stuff to do with her. He says it's none of my business how he parents her when I'm at work. I have hardly any free time with her and would love more to do stuff, so my perspective is skewed I know. I also know I'm a bit hung up about screen time because I hate it, and he'll go quoting that news item last week that apparently said not to worry, and says I'm getting stressed about nothing and being my usual self.

I’d be annoyed. It’s so lazy when he could be doing something with her.
Can you find her a fun after school activity he can take her to? Gymnastics/swimming?

people don't even bother to read OP's latest post/update.

lazy posters ...

I have the same problem. I get annoyed by it and try to instill rules and other activities with my children after school but DH isn’t that way. I think it’s lazy. A bit of screeen time after dinner before bed or after school before dinner but both is a lot.

An 'after school club' is 'lazy parenting' in my book.

This would be a big no no for me. It’s incredibly lazy parenting and the “good cop bad cop” thing is bullshit - you should be a united front and on the same page. I’d be raging that he sent you to be the bad guy because he was too lazy to say no to her. If he doesn’t want you to interfere then he should be able to handle your DD himself without running to you to do it for him.

Can he go back to work? And you reduce your hours so you can be with your DDs after school? I wouldn’t want such a lazy man being the the main caregiver, while they’re still so young how he parents will have a huge impact on their development and that much screen time will not do your DDs any favours.

Roughly 3 hours a day, so 15 hours just school days. When does she ever get to use her imagination, interact with her sister or Dad? It’s irrelevant whether it’s a dad or a mum, that is lazy parenting. Up to an hour a day would give a bit of downtime while also giving her time to get bored and use her imagination to entertain herself.

YANBU at all.
Lazy parenting. Easy path to take. But you are right to be annoyed and you need to find a way of working this out. She is only 7!!

Almost all of the replies on this thread are insane.

He says it's none of my business how he parents her when I'm at work.

No sorry, it doesn't work like that.

Would that be acceptable if you were the stay at home parent?

I would be looking together for after-school clubs to get her off her kindle on a permanent loop. That can't be good for her...

Hi OP
It is tricky, I can see both sides. It's not nice to have your parenting criticised. But it actually is your business how he parents them when you're not there - not on the little stuff but you do need to agree on the bigger stuff like discipline etc and anything that you think could harm them long term

Addiction to devices is a real thing and if you think she likes it a bit too much it is far easier to nip it in the bud now rather than wait for it to be an issue.

I think just have a general chat with him around how much screen time you both think is reasonable in a day and at the weekend. As long as she is doing plenty of other stuff as well like gets enough exercise etc. It does add up though and is easy to get into a habit of it, so maybe you could ask him to monitor it for a while to see how much screen time she actually gets a day and then see together if you need to do anything.

My husband spends about equal time with our kids but does let them watch more TV than I do. It's hard as he watches more TV than me and people are different but I don't like it. I spoke to him and he has cut it down a bit but it's hard finding a middle ground sometimes

An 'after school club' is 'lazy parenting' in my book.

Rubbish! My son's was brilliant. Socialising, doing loads of creative stuff, outside activities like football, age-appropriate cooking lessons, relaxing on the sofa if needed....

I had no choice anyway as a working LP.

Don't live in UK anyway so I have no idea how they are there.

I can only assume that lots of posters haven't read all of the OP's posts.

This man is coping with a severely handicapped child, it must be very hard, I'm not surprised he takes the easy way out sometimes. I would.

i find it a bit odd that people think kids need to be occupied by "activities" all day every day. Don't they get exhausted?

also, the replies would be very different if op were a man and the SAHP was a woman.

not spending every waking hours outside of school on YouTube does not equal doing activities all day every day. There is a middle ground you know.

Some of the replies would be different if the SAHP was a woman. Mine would be the same.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to be concerned. That is 5+ hours a day?

I would bring it up with him. How is he finding being a sahd? Is he struggling?

Surely if she's using a kindle she's just reading books? I'd think that was a great way to spend time personally?

This has really confused me. Even just went to check my kindle and pretty sure all I can do on it is read books/buy new books to read. I really am shocked that this is a problem? Am I just really stupid and my kindle can be used for loads of other stuff that I didn't know about ? 🤯

I reckon it is a bit too much screen time. I fight constantly to keep my 13YO off his PC and my 4 YO already wants to watch dinosaurs on my phone all the time. However we also need to empathise with them- these games and videos are created by big teams of money-hungry experts to be as addictive and compelling as possible. They make parents think they are educational and social/collaborative activities (and actually they are, sometimes). But we parents are the ones who can put a limit on things.

Having said that, being a SAHparent can be hard, boring work with little chance to maintain an identity outside the home. It's very easy to fall into a routine of letting them go on their screens. So I reckon a bit of empathy is needed there too.

Ultimately you two need to talk. You need to plan in a time to have a talk, when you're both not tired and you have the time to do it properly. Then you can do that strategy* where you go 'look, we have a problem. Screen time is ok, but I worry that too much will limit the opportunities we have to enjoy and interact with our children while they are so young.' Then, together, you can write a list of all the solutions you can think of. Some may be silly, some may be angry, some may be punitive, some may be sensible and measured.

eg:

• throw tablet in bin
• turn wifi off at 5pm
• let them stay on screens all the time
• use screens for 2 hours a day at a time they choose
• draw a list of alternative activities, like make biscuits or do some drawing
• find a TV series we can all enjoy together instead

Then you go through the list. If either of you disagrees with an idea, cross it out.

At the end you'll have an agreed strategy. Then you'll need to sit down with the kids together and lay it out- 'tablets go off at 5. On Tuesdays and Thursdays mum will spend half an hour with DS2 doing something nice' etc.

• strategy is adapted from this book www.amazon.co.uk/Talk-Little-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/150113163X?tag=mumsnetforum-21

Good luck OP

Kindle Fire presumably?

I hope you lot are happy with yourselves.

Ignoring the cunty replies, some really helpful advice was given. Managing screen time is tricky and probably only going to get trickier, I imagine. I can't even manage my own screen time!

Op, I would be furious tbh
Why? because it is lazy parenting
Sure it’s easier if dcs sit in front of a computer screen for hours on end. No hassle for the parent.
However, to be a good parent we have to enforce rules that may inconvenience us.
The fact that he is a sahp with children at school is relevant in my opinion as he should have the energy to encourage your dd to do something other than play with iPads

I have read the OP’s update. DD2 is disabled. It could be that Op’s dh is just exhausted.
However, the seven year old definitely has too much screen time

Wouldn't worry me at all I don't think.

My youngest is now 12. He's doing well at school, he's completing his homework. He's a 'good boy.' Therefore, I'm relaxed about him watching stuff on his iPad, playing with friends on Xbox and messing about on his Nintendo switch. Providing he continues to work hard and do the stuff he needs to do to be organised for school, I let him have as much time as he wants. My only rule is all tech is removed from his room by 8.30pm

I know she is younger at 7 but I don't think this would bother me at all

@Peachesandcream30 it'll be a kindle fire not a paper white

Haven’t rtft but there has been an awful lot of backlash to the ‘don’t worry about screen time’ article. I heard a debate on radio 4 the other day with experts including doctors who were debunking that advice and talking about th dangers of excess screen time, esp when it replaces family time and physical activity.

I have a year 2 child. They don’t ordinarily have screen time after school. We just don’t have screens around and they then don’t ask for them. They colour, play, do Lego, write stories, read, go outside, play with their animals, do activities, play with friends. All relaxing and a counter point to the structure of school, but not a screen in sight. I know my position is extreme so for the benefit of balance, I accept that some time on screens would be fine as long as other stuff is in there too. At 7, I’d say half an hour max. Otherwise it’s just zoning out, not relaxing.

I’m with you OP. I was a SAHP for many years and never resorted to screens. Its bloody hard work but that’s the deal when the other parent is going out and earning all the money. It’s an active, rather than inactive, contribution to the family. You are right to challenge your husband’s approach.