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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother of the groom .. wedding seating plan

433 replies

Watershipdrown · 07/01/2019 21:47

Sorry but this may turn into an essay as I don’t want to drip feed.
Ds is getting married in 3 months time and was discussing the seating plan with his ds asking where she would like to sit etc. It came out that I am apparently sitting on the top table with exh next to me, as parents of the groom. Exh and I have been divorced for 23 years and I have been remarried to a wonderful man for 20 years. I haven’t spoken to exh in probably 15 years after police involvement for harassing me and making threats. My dh raised my 3 children as his own and we also have a son together. He has always treated the children as if they were his own, providing everything that they needed and wanted, while exh couldn’t even be bothered to keep up contact with them, despite living 20 mins drive away from us. Exh did not contribute anything in terms of maintenance for them, he did not turn up for visits and at one point told my dh to legally adopt them so that he would not be responsible for any money that they might need, all the while demanding a say in ridiculous things such as if they needed a haircut, I was expected to ask permission. Exh was controlling and physically and emotionally abusive and I was honestly relieved that he couldn’t be bothered to keep up contact, however I never tried to stop him, even though I probably should have. He was never threatening to the children but they witnessed some of his dv towards me. There was very little contact until ds was over 18 and could go into a pub and drink alcohol. They have built a shaky relationship now and I’m fine with that.
I am really hurt that dh has been relegated to a table with some other relatives and I really do not want to sit next to my exh at all. Dh is unaware of the seating plan and I can’t bring myself to tell him. I know how much he will be hurt and shocked as they have always had a great relationship.
I have tried to speak to ds about this and explain how uncomfortable this will be, but he’s adamant that it’s traditional and how they (Dil and ds) want it. I have said I would be fine not being on the top table, or exh and his partner being on it and dh and me perhaps at the other end but he will not change the plans. Dd has now fallen out with ds over this and told him just how wrong and incredibly inconsiderate it is to treat dh this way.
I know it’s their wedding and they can do what they like, seat people wherever they want etc. I know how hard it is to seat everyone and please everyone, but I do not want to be seated apart from dh to sit next to a man that made my life a living hell for years. AIBU ?

OP posts:
AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 07/01/2019 23:03

It's for precisely this reason that we didn't have a 'top table' (well that and it seems a bit elitist, ie the 'most important' people are here and you are there) and instead made sure that my Dad and his new wife were sitting together. My Mum still gets on with him though so she was also on the same table (each seated about 8, if I remember).

suzy2b · 07/01/2019 23:03

I been divorced 21 years he left and went off with some one 21yrs younger all the time with her i only ever spoke to him on the phone,a few years later i did start talking to him he also was with someone else by then, my son got married a year ago i was a bit annoyed that his wife would bee on the top table, any way at the wedding the seating was as so bride and groom next to the bride was her farther then me then the 2 best men ,next to the groom was his father then his wife which worked out fine

mogtheexcellent · 07/01/2019 23:04

I put my wonderful stepdad on the top table as well as my father aka the sperm doner. I sat another bridesmaid as well to balance it out. They had been married for over 20 years.

My sister married only a year before my mum and stepdad so she put mum on one end of the top table and sat my stepdad with me on an adjacent table.

thegreylady · 07/01/2019 23:06

I have three adult dsc and at every wedding I was given a seat beside my dh with the mother of the bride/groom on his other side. When my dd married her husbands parents were each seated with their spouses and my dh with me (big round tables).
Yes it is their day but making you uncomfortable shouldn’t be part of it. A wedding should share joy not create misery and someone should tell your dgs and his partner that.

Genevieva · 07/01/2019 23:06

PS
Fully aware that my example only deals with the sitting next to ExH problem and not the neglect of the man who raised your son.

thegreylady · 07/01/2019 23:06

ds not dgs

Original poster
Watershipdrown · 07/01/2019 23:10

Ds was only 4 when I left exh and he is aware that it was an abusive relationship but probably not the extent of things that happened. I will speak to him again and if I have to be more blunt then I will. I’m not insisting that my dh sits on the top table but just that I don’t have to sit next to exh. Exh has a partner and she is sitting with exh parents, so ds’s gp.

OP posts:
rosablue · 07/01/2019 23:11

Fine to invite the dad but really unkind to make you sit together, particularly under the guise of it being traditional when it isn't.

Glad that your dd has had a go at her brother about this.

But I think you need to lay your cards out on the table to your ds, dil and her parents if they are involved in the table plan too, and ask your ds what his recollection is of why you got divorced - and point out that he was little, you tried to shield him from the worst of his father's abuse and the living hell that he put you through during the marriage and afterwards (including the financial abuse), and that it's really unfair of him to make you sit next to someone who you were hoping you would never have to speak to again, who still gives you nightmares and who you still don't trust.

If the bride's parents aren't involved in the seating plan, then I would be tempted to ring them up and have a chat if you have any sort of relationship with them (even if you just know their telephone number would count!) and see if you can have a word with them. You might find that they want to sit together rather than wanting to sit with you and your ex, so have been pushing this 'traditional' seating plan on their dd as a nicer way to do it for them - which of course it would be as I'm guessing that nobody is looking forward to sitting next to your ex...

however if they know people who have civilised divorces and remain friends afterwards, or your shielding your ds worked really well so he doesn't remember how horrendous your ex was, they may well not be able to imagine how awful a time you had and how horrendous it would be for you to have to sit next to him. And thus, they think it's perfectly reasonable for you to 'pull yourself together and be civilised' for the meal...

I know it will be embarrassing to talk to them about this, but it might be worth a shot. You could also rope them in to help rescue you if they should see your ex heading towards you or talking to you - I know that you will have your dh, dd and others there looking out for you - but it might help to get over to them how bad he is, how bad this will be for you, and how it's not really tenable.

And if they want the meal seating to be traditional like this then you need to think in advance about the church/venue seating in case they want that traditional too - so that you can be on a different pew at least from your ex - you don't want to get there and discover that a seat has been saved on the front row with your name on it, next to one with your ex's name on and your dh/dd/etc sitting several rows away...

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 07/01/2019 23:16

Putting aside the basic fact that no one should be forced to sit by their abuser the set up they are suggesting is the one for “serious acrimony between bride and groom’s families”.

Which means that half the guests will be internally speculating which side thinks the other one isn’t good enough.....

(And drunk Uncle Ken will probably speculate slightly less internally.)

OwlinaTree · 07/01/2019 23:16

What a horrible situation. I hope you can have a chat with your son to sort it out.

We 'solved' this by sitting like this

Bride's Step-f, bride's mum, bride, groom, groom's mum, groom's dad, bride's father, brides's sister (BM), bride's sister's DH.

All included, no need for bride's parents to sit awkwardly together.

homeishere · 07/01/2019 23:17

Do you think your exh has been in his ear about it? Sounds quite controlling...

Doubletrouble99 · 07/01/2019 23:21

I am a step mother and have sat at the top table for both of my step children's weddings at the end of the table with step dad at the other end. The seating was traditional in that the bride's father sat next to the groom's mother and visa versa. That is how it should be end of. Not this rubbish. Anyway what happens if your ex makes an unwanted comment towards you or worse?

BumbleBeee69 · 07/01/2019 23:24

this is awful OP, please reiterate to your clueless son how awful this situ is for you.

MyKingdomForBrie · 07/01/2019 23:24

I wonder if his bride to be is dictating because she has a set idea how it should look?

Rachel0Greep · 07/01/2019 23:27

Very disrespectful of your son to insist on such a seating arrangement, IMO. I would be having a very serious conversation with him, if I were you.

PennyArcade · 07/01/2019 23:29

Mother of the groom sits next to father of the bride. Mother of the bride sits next to father of the groom isn't it? That's what I've always thought 🤷‍♀️

Ellie56 · 07/01/2019 23:31

Is there any possibility that Ex could be driving this shit? As others have said, traditionally the groom's mother sits with the bride's father.

Parisetoile · 07/01/2019 23:37

I agree, i'd hate that arrangement if I was in your position, however, it is their day. Be gracious and sit where they want you too. But be amazing. Show your awful x how well you have done. Don't give him the satisfaction of thinking you care...everyone there will know he is mr. unsupportive, just try and rise above it, set out to enjoy every bloody minute of that wedding, and at the end of the day it is one day, he is his biological father, and that must mean something to your son despite your x's obvious shortcomings.

Parisetoile · 07/01/2019 23:40

Sorry I dont mean to undermine how awful it must feel for you, but if you could find it in you to be strong and deal with it, maybe you would feel better in the end? Is it possible that X will feel uncomfortable in this situation also??

Cuntcuntcunt · 07/01/2019 23:41

Hugs op.

I have had nightmares about exactly this.

chocatoo · 07/01/2019 23:42

I would have to be frank with DS and request a revision of the arrangements to include the man who has been his father, your DH. I would be blunt about how very hurtful the current plan is. I would be tempted not to attend the Reception unless more dignified arrangements are made.

Ruperbear · 07/01/2019 23:43

Awful for you and how so disrespect to your DH who has been a father to him all these Years. I would be telling him that he has no respect for either of you and you are disappointed. I would not play the « i will not attend etc card»
Instead I would calmly tell him that due to your awful relationship due to his verbal and physical violence you are not comfortable sitting with him for whatever period of time. He must respect this and make other arrangements. If none are made you will sit with your DH. I think I would also mention that his step dad may feel really rejected by him not being included in the top table too.

Please remember your children are adults and they do not need protecting anymore. Maybe a few home truths will help.
I wish you well.

Inertia · 07/01/2019 23:43

As previous posters have suggested, it might actually be Ex behind this, rather than son and DIL.

Is there still any kind of restraining order or similar which applies to your Ex? If so, then it would probably be worth being brutally honest with your son and DIL that it was imposed so he cannot come near you, and exactly why.

Returning2thesceneofthecrime · 07/01/2019 23:49

Something else you may want to mention to the bride and groom, if I went to a wedding where husbands and wives (especially parents of the bride/groom) were not seated at the same table, I would be talking about it.

I would assume that whomever was in exile was a nasty bastard and only there under sufferance. If I knew that wasn’t the case, I would assume that the bride and groom were spoiled brats with no manners.

elvis86 · 07/01/2019 23:50

On the face of it, it sounds like your DS and DIL are being very thoughtless - however it really depends how much they know. You said you split when DS was young and he doesn't know the details of the split?

Generally with divorced parents I think it's a shame when they can't put differences aside for their kids' big day. Obviously in your situation though, I appreciate that being in the same room as your ex all day will be challenging.

I think you need to be careful, sounding like you're issuing ultimatums or being dramatic won't help (someone suggested saying "I don't want to be in a position where I may need to call the police"..?!). Similarly, "emailing both of them" is a crap idea IMO. Unless you regularly communicate about important stuff by email it'll just come across weird and get their backs up.

I think you need to explain that you respect that it's their day and that they likely have a million details to plan, but that you'd ask that they consider how they can rejig things so you don't have to sit next to your ex (giving as much detail as necessary as to why, but not suggesting that you object to his presence full stop - your DS obviously wants him there). Maybe reiterate actual tradition of parents being mixed either side of bride and groom? And/or be clear that whilst you'd be proud to be on the top table, you accept that it may mean you're not and that you sit elsewhere with DP (I appreciate you'd be hurt if they went with this).

I don't think you can make such a big issue of you ex being on the top table "over" your DP, as that will look combative and again like you're asking DS to choose between them.