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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother of the groom .. wedding seating plan

433 replies

Watershipdrown · 07/01/2019 21:47

Sorry but this may turn into an essay as I don’t want to drip feed.
Ds is getting married in 3 months time and was discussing the seating plan with his ds asking where she would like to sit etc. It came out that I am apparently sitting on the top table with exh next to me, as parents of the groom. Exh and I have been divorced for 23 years and I have been remarried to a wonderful man for 20 years. I haven’t spoken to exh in probably 15 years after police involvement for harassing me and making threats. My dh raised my 3 children as his own and we also have a son together. He has always treated the children as if they were his own, providing everything that they needed and wanted, while exh couldn’t even be bothered to keep up contact with them, despite living 20 mins drive away from us. Exh did not contribute anything in terms of maintenance for them, he did not turn up for visits and at one point told my dh to legally adopt them so that he would not be responsible for any money that they might need, all the while demanding a say in ridiculous things such as if they needed a haircut, I was expected to ask permission. Exh was controlling and physically and emotionally abusive and I was honestly relieved that he couldn’t be bothered to keep up contact, however I never tried to stop him, even though I probably should have. He was never threatening to the children but they witnessed some of his dv towards me. There was very little contact until ds was over 18 and could go into a pub and drink alcohol. They have built a shaky relationship now and I’m fine with that.
I am really hurt that dh has been relegated to a table with some other relatives and I really do not want to sit next to my exh at all. Dh is unaware of the seating plan and I can’t bring myself to tell him. I know how much he will be hurt and shocked as they have always had a great relationship.
I have tried to speak to ds about this and explain how uncomfortable this will be, but he’s adamant that it’s traditional and how they (Dil and ds) want it. I have said I would be fine not being on the top table, or exh and his partner being on it and dh and me perhaps at the other end but he will not change the plans. Dd has now fallen out with ds over this and told him just how wrong and incredibly inconsiderate it is to treat dh this way.
I know it’s their wedding and they can do what they like, seat people wherever they want etc. I know how hard it is to seat everyone and please everyone, but I do not want to be seated apart from dh to sit next to a man that made my life a living hell for years. AIBU ?

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 07/01/2019 22:25

Your son is being a selfish twat.
Tell him how you feel.

feministfairy · 07/01/2019 22:25

Poor you OP. It must be such a shock for your ds to to rewrite your family history in such a way. And I can only imagine how hurt your DH will feel.
IF you both can put aside your feelings of hurt and bewilderment at his decision, then yet again it will emphasis what fantastic parents you must be. Flowers

trojanpony · 07/01/2019 22:25

I actually think this is a very good idea

I would sit them down and say you really want me to sit next to the man that beat me?

I’d love to hear the answer...

NaturalBornWoman · 07/01/2019 22:26

It's utterly ridiculous in this day and age to insist on a 'traditional' seating plan where a family includes second marriage. And unspeakably rude of the couple and bride's mother to not take your situation into account and to make you uncomfortable, even if they are paying for everything and hosting the wedding. It's your son's wedding too, he needs to put his foot down.

ourkidmolly · 07/01/2019 22:28

I agree. Tell your son. Don't protect him or try to preserve the relationship. If he does know, and you've reminded him of your problem with it, and he's still insistent....then I'm afraid I wouldn't go. Sounds drastic but I think you're without a choice.

Fairenuff · 07/01/2019 22:28

Personally I would tell him that didn't work for me. I wasn't going to sit next to an abusive man. So he can put me somewhere else and let me know.

No fuss, no drama. Just inform him and let him deal with it.

soupey1 · 07/01/2019 22:29

Your DS is being completely unreasonable expecting you to sit next to someone who abused you. You need to point out that regardless of his relationship with his father, you were abused by him and that in asking you to sit next to him your DS is perpetuating that abuse. I realise that you don’t want to upset your DS but you need to insist you either sit away from your ex or you won’t be there at all.

Original poster
Watershipdrown · 07/01/2019 22:29

Thank you for the replies. I really am trying to respect that it’s their day and they can have exactly what they want and I absolutely want that for them too, however it makes me feel ill to think I will have to sit next to him. I am definitely no longer afraid of him, but would feel better if dh was near me.

OP posts:
WinnieFosterTether · 07/01/2019 22:31

I think YABU. It's for one meal on your DS' wedding and whether you agree with him or not, obviously him and his wife-to-be have put a lot of thought into their seating plan. They may be taking issues into account that you're not considering eg if the groom's step-dad sits at the top table how does that impact on the bride's family? If you refuse to sit at the top table, will they then have to remove all parents from the top table to avoid spending their wedding answering questions about why the mother-of-the-groom wasn't on the top table?
You were brave to allow your DCs to build their own relationship with a man who abused you but I don't think this is the time to try to interfere.

Gazelda · 07/01/2019 22:32

Please don't refuse to go to the wedding.

Have you had a calm conversation about this with both groom and his bride?

I'm wondering whether Bride has said that she wants everything traditional and groom has misunderstood the etiquette and mistakenly assumed his DM and DF sit next to each other?

Can you email both of them and explain how uncomfortable you will feel with this arrangement and that you'd really like them to consider either the traditional arrangement (grooms father/brides mother/groom/bride/brides father/grooms mother) or allowing you to sit next to your DH on a separate table.

Say that you want to share their happiness on such a Wonderful day, but fear that your apprehension about the meal will mar the day and you would hate for them to be concerned about you when they should have eyes for no one except each other.

Beg them to reconsider, but don't make threats about boycotting.

And I don't think you should make any mention about DH being at the top table.

Cherries101 · 07/01/2019 22:32

I personally would tell your son that if this is how he wants it, then as you can’t bear to be near the ex, you will give the wedding a miss. Your DH can then decide to go as a guest if he wishes. Your DS is being a real fool about this — I think you need to remind him and his future wife of the abuse.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 07/01/2019 22:32

I couldn't sit next to my abusive ex - it would be hard enough to be in the same room but to be sitting right next to him would be a bridge too far for me.

You have offered a compromise - to sit next to the father of the bride - and that seems more than fair.

TatianaLarina · 07/01/2019 22:33

I really am trying to respect that it’s their day and they can have exactly what they want

C’mom they’re not toddlers at Christmas.

TatianaLarina · 07/01/2019 22:33

This is real life.

IPromiseIWontBeNaughty · 07/01/2019 22:33

I think you need to tell your ds that you wlll not sit next to a man who abused you & made your life a misery. YANBU.

2isur2isubicurtis4me · 07/01/2019 22:34

Having read that it would appear to me that your son is not that fussed about you as he has moved you away from a traditional position but then moved you 2 way from him with his father next to him where as it should normally go mfmf. I suspect your ex has either promised lots of money or is all pally with them now because this is not the actions of someone who has your best interests at heart, if he does as you say know about the controlling behaved of your ex. This smacks of controlling behaviour and your son may have been the willing or unaware dupe.
Personally I would say I would come to the wedding and if they can't compromise on the seating plan you will sadly forgo the meal and come back later (if there is an evening do) in order to avoid you being upset or causing any further upset

Atthebottomofthegarden · 07/01/2019 22:35

I think you need to explain to your future DIL that your ex was abusive and that you will not sit next to him. And say you have underplayed the extent of this to your DS so as not to poison his reoationship with his father.

Bufferingkisses · 07/01/2019 22:37

We had a similar situation (but with far less reason for awkwardness then you have) so went with his parents one each side (neither remarried) then my mum and dh beyond one side and my dad and dw the other. My SM was not part of my life but my SD was a huge part. No way of have cut him out and having SM on the top table was a small price to pay to ensure he was there too.

I really don't like the level of "It's their day tow the line" weddings have reached. Yes it's their day but its an important day for everyone who loves them too. Sidelining or making uncomfortable for the sake of being "proper" is poor behaviour imo.

jay55 · 07/01/2019 22:37

You are being far too nice. You should not have to sit next to the man who abused you, and your husband and other children should not have to see that either.

ohtheholidays · 07/01/2019 22:38

Honestly you were a victim of DV,I'd be refusing to go,what the fuck is your son and future DIL thinking?

I have 5DC and my DH is Dad to all of them but only biologically to our youngest and there is no way on God's earth that my oldest 4DC would want they're birth Father anywhere near me.

SillySallySingsSongs · 07/01/2019 22:39

YANBU to not want to sit next to your exH

YABU for this... but would feel better if dh was near me. if they don't want your dh on the top table you should respect their wishes.

Cranky17 · 07/01/2019 22:40

I think you’ve shown good compromise with suggesting you sit next to brides dad, or not on the top table. Is you son pushing this or bride? Theubwant tradition but their own way so there is room for compromise on their part. Very selfish of both of them. They should be ashamed

springtimeyet · 07/01/2019 22:41

I think you need to be more honest with ds and ddil, this man was abusive to you and you do not feel comfortable sitting beside him. You will sit anywhere else that works for them.

TwiceMagic · 07/01/2019 22:43

I think all this ‘it’s their day’ is bullshit. If you invite people to share that day with you, it is also about them.

I agree with those who say you should simply sit your son down and very clearly ask him if he realises that he is asking you to sit next to a man who abused and harassed you. And point out that is unacceptable if he tries to justify it.

Getting married is not a free pass to be a selfish arsehole and stop giving a shit about your mother. There is absolutely no reason that you should have to sit next to your exH. It will not in any way impinge upon ‘their day’ if you don’t sit there.

If my son were acting this selfishly I’d be bitterly disappointed in him.

AnnaMagnani · 07/01/2019 22:43

How much does your DS know about how abusive his dad was to you?

If you were divorced 23 years ago, I presume he was quite young and may not know about all the police involvement and so on.

He may be excited about his wedding and how he has forged a bit of relationship with his dad after all this time and be viewing it with rather rose-tinted glasses.

I think, like others, you need to be clear with him and DIL-to-be that they are adults now so can hear adult truths and you are delighted about their day and their love, but his dad (your ex) was violent and beat you resulting in you having to call the police due to risks to your safety and is a table plan really worth that.

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