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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother of the groom .. wedding seating plan

433 replies

Watershipdrown · 07/01/2019 21:47

Sorry but this may turn into an essay as I don’t want to drip feed.
Ds is getting married in 3 months time and was discussing the seating plan with his ds asking where she would like to sit etc. It came out that I am apparently sitting on the top table with exh next to me, as parents of the groom. Exh and I have been divorced for 23 years and I have been remarried to a wonderful man for 20 years. I haven’t spoken to exh in probably 15 years after police involvement for harassing me and making threats. My dh raised my 3 children as his own and we also have a son together. He has always treated the children as if they were his own, providing everything that they needed and wanted, while exh couldn’t even be bothered to keep up contact with them, despite living 20 mins drive away from us. Exh did not contribute anything in terms of maintenance for them, he did not turn up for visits and at one point told my dh to legally adopt them so that he would not be responsible for any money that they might need, all the while demanding a say in ridiculous things such as if they needed a haircut, I was expected to ask permission. Exh was controlling and physically and emotionally abusive and I was honestly relieved that he couldn’t be bothered to keep up contact, however I never tried to stop him, even though I probably should have. He was never threatening to the children but they witnessed some of his dv towards me. There was very little contact until ds was over 18 and could go into a pub and drink alcohol. They have built a shaky relationship now and I’m fine with that.
I am really hurt that dh has been relegated to a table with some other relatives and I really do not want to sit next to my exh at all. Dh is unaware of the seating plan and I can’t bring myself to tell him. I know how much he will be hurt and shocked as they have always had a great relationship.
I have tried to speak to ds about this and explain how uncomfortable this will be, but he’s adamant that it’s traditional and how they (Dil and ds) want it. I have said I would be fine not being on the top table, or exh and his partner being on it and dh and me perhaps at the other end but he will not change the plans. Dd has now fallen out with ds over this and told him just how wrong and incredibly inconsiderate it is to treat dh this way.
I know it’s their wedding and they can do what they like, seat people wherever they want etc. I know how hard it is to seat everyone and please everyone, but I do not want to be seated apart from dh to sit next to a man that made my life a living hell for years. AIBU ?

OP posts:
StoppinBy · 07/01/2019 22:43

YANBU and other people are BU on this post suggesting that you give in to your DS on his wedding day with regards to this.

I can imagine how hurt your DH would be if he knew what your son was doing, honouring the man who raised him and not the man who created him then caused hell in your lives would be the right thing to do IMO.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/01/2019 22:44

I’m embarrassed for your son. What a plonker.

It’s their wedding, they’re getting married, not become king and fucking queen of the world, they have no right to stamp their little feet and insist. It might be one meal but it’s going to cost you far more than they might gain from fucking “tradition”. Tradition was for a woman to have no option to leave the man who beat her, still is in some places in the world, it’s horseshit. Under that “tradition” he’d have had a shit childhood without your lovely husband stepping up as a father figure to him and you could have ended up dead.

What they’re suggesting/demanding is a total joke. Say no. Value yourself enough to expect better from your son.

RhubarbaraWindsor · 07/01/2019 22:44

If you son is so lacking in empathy for you I would be very concerned about what he might say in his Groom's speech. If he starts saying what a great dad your abusive ex is/was, I don't know how you could handle that. It seems so odd that he would do this to you. Have you spoken to him about you sitting next to the bride's father, if he's so keen on things being 'traditional'? At least that would put a bit of distance between you and your ex. What a horrible situation to be put in.

Original poster
Watershipdrown · 07/01/2019 22:45

I will speak to them both again. I’m definitely not going to say that I won’t go in order to get my own way. I wouldn’t want to guilt any of my children into doing something that they don’t want to do, but I do think I may need to explain a bit more. I’m not sure if it was a question about who is paying for the wedding and it’s not important, even if we had paid for everything, ( we haven’t ) I would not expect a say in what is their day, or change things to suit me, but I do feel that this seating plan will absolutely ruin what should be a happy day for all the family and friends.

OP posts:
kalinkafoxtrot45 · 07/01/2019 22:45

I think you need to spell it out for your DS. This man brutalised you. And he wants you to sit next to him? If he insists, he’s an absolute twat with no respect for you. This arrangement doesn’t even have tradition to recommend it.

BackforGood · 07/01/2019 22:45

Of course YANBU.
If they are stuck with 'tradition' (which nobody needs to be these days, but if that is their argument), then you should be next to the bride's father, not your ex, anyway.
As they are clearly not that stuck to tradition, then you need to sit them down, bride and groom together, and actually say, as suggested above, that you are doing your best to put your feelings aside, and to deal the best you can with being in the same room as your abuser for the day, as you totally respect his desire to have his biological father at the wedding but you cannot countenance sitting next to him. Say, remember that this man used violence against me. That he abused me. It is quite possible that your DiL2B does not know this. You need to be blunt now.
You have already compromised by putting your feelings aside and attending the wedding. He now needs to understand quite what he is demanding here.

Returning2thesceneofthecrime · 07/01/2019 22:45

How strongly do you feel about this? Depending on your answer, I would suggestsome or all of the following:

  1. Sit down with both DS and DIL
  2. Explain that traditionally seating is x and what they have suggested is y
  3. Is traditional x seating ok or do they really, really, really want y (show them where your DH could be included in traditional x seating)
  4. Y seating sits you next to a man that was emotionally and physically abusive and police have been involved in the past
  5. You want to follow their wishes for the wedding as much as possible but you don’t want to be in a position to need to call the police on their wedding day
  6. Alternatives include following traditional seating plans, having DH at the top table between you and Ex or sitting at a different table with DH.
  7. Additionally, mention that DH will be hurt by being seated elsewhere since he was more of a father than Ex both emotionally and financially (I assume). Mention something that a father would typically pay for but DH paid for instead.
  1. Final option - and not really recommended - You and DH (assuming you have joint finances to at least some extent) cannot be expected to contribute to the wedding if DH is exiled and you are seated next to an abuser.
Magenta46 · 07/01/2019 22:47

Spell it out to your kids that their dad was an emotionally and physically violent abusive man to their mom who really didn't give a flying fart about their kids when they were young, Please don't try to be diplomatic, just tell them the truth..

CrispbuttyNo1 · 07/01/2019 22:47

Yanbu.

“Camilla was at Harry and Meghan's table”

Only because Diana is dead and Meghan has no family there...

NWQM · 07/01/2019 22:47

Yes it is there day but no they can’t have everything they want. All weddings except of the mega rich have compromises. As a Mum if my two ever want to get married I will probalay bend over backwards to make sure they have what they would like....but I’d frankly kick their asses if I thought they were making anyone uncomfortable with their seating plan. It’s not even that you are being sat next to your son & he’s always wanted that. He is putting mistaken etiquette above your feelings and the feelings of the man who raised him. As a minimum he needs to tell you why.

ChakiraChakra · 07/01/2019 22:48

Does your son know the full extent of the DV you suffered?

It's not unreasonable to not want to sit next to your abusive ex.

If you refuse to sit at the top table, will they then have to remove all parents from the top table to avoid spending their wedding answering questions about why the mother-of-the-groom wasn't on the top table?

I'm all for seeing things from another's point of view but there is a limit, and mine is when the answer to that questions would be because mum doesn't want to sit next to her abuser and I wouldn't change the seating arrangements

Andro · 07/01/2019 22:51

It takes a special kind of selfishness and disrespect to expect a parent to sit next to their abuser!

Your son is being incredibly disrespectful and very unreasonable.

Gatehouse77 · 07/01/2019 22:52

I'm afraid that I wouldn't be able to suck that up. There's a time for tradition and a time to be compassionate towards a family member who has experienced domestic violence from someone they are then expected to sit next to.

I would talk to your DH. This is a 'big' thing and I would hope that your relationship is such that he wouldn't want you shouldering this on your own.

ZenNudist · 07/01/2019 22:52

Do ds and dil2b know?

GreenTulips · 07/01/2019 22:53

As I’ve said I respect that it is up to them how they do things and have not, in any way at all, made demands
Well you need to say quite calmly that you will not under any circumstances sit next to him and look like the supporting wife

Tell them you’ll sit next to DH in another table if he insists X is on the top table

You are being brave attending at all

Does xH have a wife - where’s she say?

fruitbrewhaha · 07/01/2019 22:54

Or swap the place cards around on the day?

Or if no place cards, look surprised when you go to be seated and say "oh no, we couldn't possibly sit together, can we? I thought we'd sorted this" and just shift the best man onto your seat.

Willbeatjanuaryblues · 07/01/2019 22:56

It's awful op. Really quite cruel in fact.

Fine to not want dh on the top table, fine he wants to give me his dad a that honour inspite of the useless dad he sounds like he has been but to force you. M. To sit next to your abusive ex??!!

Absolutely awful. They won't even talk about it Hmm

Sounds peculiar... Sounds like your son is punishing you to me...
I wouldn't argue or rearrange.

I'd say I totally understand your desire for traditional top table but sadly we don't have a trad family and your father caused me too much pain for me to able to sit next to him. I don't want to run him down towards you or drag this out but I won't be sitting next to him.

I will be sitting with dh at the back.

Olddognewtricks2019 · 07/01/2019 22:56

Wedding traditions for no good reason are a pile of utter shit. A friend had divorced parents and step parents and to avoid discomfort she sat at a table with her husband, bridesmaids and groomsmen and her parents sat at tables with their own friends/other family. It made zero difference to the vibe, enjoyment, speeches etc.

Pantsomime · 07/01/2019 22:59

Find out who the true driver is- DIL to be or her DM & ring them to arrange to meet for coffee - once there tell them point blank you support their marriage & want their day to be wonderful BUT sitting next to ExDH will make you do I’ll uou can’t go/ vomit with nerves in your meal/ faced like thunder ruining the wedding photos because did they realise he did x y z to you & last words were for StepDH to adopt & take DS off his hands

StoneofDestiny · 07/01/2019 22:59

I'd tell them you would find it impossible to sit next to someone who abused you and that you will sit with your DH on another table.

I don't believe brideand grooms can do what they want - good hosts should do everything they can to make their 'honoured guests' comfortable.

Your DS and future DIL don't come out well in this - (to put it mildly)

bastardkitty · 07/01/2019 22:59

You cannot sit next to him. Rinse and repeat. What on earth is your son thinking. They are being VVU.

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 07/01/2019 22:59

If this was me in that situation I would be kind and respectful in my tone and I wouldn't try to get him/them both to change the set up they want but I'd be telling them quite simply that I wouldn't be sitting at the top table next to him.

DS I love you and I respect that it your day and your choice, i very much want you to enjoy your day, I realise how important it is but I also need you to respect my choice I'm not trying to cause you problems but I won't be sitting next to can you make sure I have a seat next to thankyou son.

NothingTraLaLa · 07/01/2019 23:02

I wouldn't want to sit next to him in your position. Mind you, perhaps the bride's DM doesn't want to sit next to him either if she has an inkling of what he's like - in which case, your DS and wife-to-be would be better off coming up with a less traditional seating arrangement.

Genevieva · 07/01/2019 23:03

I thought the traditional set up for a top table had the parents and in laws crossed over. For example:

Father of Groom; Mother of Bride; Groom; Bride; Father of Bride; Mother of Groom.

Or:

Mother of Groom; Father of Bride; Maid of Honour; Groom; Bride; Best Man; Mother of Bride; Father of Groom

kitkatsky · 07/01/2019 23:03

Your exH sounds just like DD's dad and your OP is sth I've had nightmares about even tho she's only 7, but I'd suck it up and sit next to him for her... maybe I'm an idiot for that but I think her wedding day is about her far more than anyone else