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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mother of the groom .. wedding seating plan

433 replies

Watershipdrown · 07/01/2019 21:47

Sorry but this may turn into an essay as I don’t want to drip feed.
Ds is getting married in 3 months time and was discussing the seating plan with his ds asking where she would like to sit etc. It came out that I am apparently sitting on the top table with exh next to me, as parents of the groom. Exh and I have been divorced for 23 years and I have been remarried to a wonderful man for 20 years. I haven’t spoken to exh in probably 15 years after police involvement for harassing me and making threats. My dh raised my 3 children as his own and we also have a son together. He has always treated the children as if they were his own, providing everything that they needed and wanted, while exh couldn’t even be bothered to keep up contact with them, despite living 20 mins drive away from us. Exh did not contribute anything in terms of maintenance for them, he did not turn up for visits and at one point told my dh to legally adopt them so that he would not be responsible for any money that they might need, all the while demanding a say in ridiculous things such as if they needed a haircut, I was expected to ask permission. Exh was controlling and physically and emotionally abusive and I was honestly relieved that he couldn’t be bothered to keep up contact, however I never tried to stop him, even though I probably should have. He was never threatening to the children but they witnessed some of his dv towards me. There was very little contact until ds was over 18 and could go into a pub and drink alcohol. They have built a shaky relationship now and I’m fine with that.
I am really hurt that dh has been relegated to a table with some other relatives and I really do not want to sit next to my exh at all. Dh is unaware of the seating plan and I can’t bring myself to tell him. I know how much he will be hurt and shocked as they have always had a great relationship.
I have tried to speak to ds about this and explain how uncomfortable this will be, but he’s adamant that it’s traditional and how they (Dil and ds) want it. I have said I would be fine not being on the top table, or exh and his partner being on it and dh and me perhaps at the other end but he will not change the plans. Dd has now fallen out with ds over this and told him just how wrong and incredibly inconsiderate it is to treat dh this way.
I know it’s their wedding and they can do what they like, seat people wherever they want etc. I know how hard it is to seat everyone and please everyone, but I do not want to be seated apart from dh to sit next to a man that made my life a living hell for years. AIBU ?

OP posts:

Kikipost · 11/01/2019 18:43

And understand why I do not want to go into detail with my ds, not just before his wedding, but not ever.

I just can not understand this thinking.

The man you describe in your update is a violent psychopath.

But you are fine for him to be around your son and no doubt there will be grandchildren later down the line.

If I were your son j would be appalled and devastated that you hadn’t told me sooner, rather than allow me to ignorantly build a relationship with him.

The sooner you tell him, the better

MadameButterface · 11/01/2019 21:59

Please let’s not get into scolding the op, i know it’s coming from a place of solidarity and encouragement but i’ve just read another thread where someone felt overwhelmed at being told what they ‘should’ do etc, this is someone’s real life here and she has been through a lot. Of course she has every right to tell the truth and shame the devil but it’s a right not an obligation. Implying that she is risking the safety of future grandchildren to guilt trip her into doing something she feels understandably daunted about is crossing a line. This is someone’s life not eastenders.

Robin2323 · 11/01/2019 22:27

And understand why I do not want to go into detail with my ds, not just before his wedding, but not ever.*

And you shouldn't have to.
You have done so well.

It's simple.
There was abuse in the relationship and you will NOT sit near him.

This will be a problem for all of 3 seconds - do not feel guilty

Stand your ground. you are truly amazing.
So is your daughter and lovely husband.

Jon65 · 11/01/2019 23:44

Madamebutterfly no offence but suggesting my post was akin to eastenders shows your ignorance. I am a solicitor and have had many many dealings with abused women and children. The best protection for women against abuse is to have transparency and stop the conspiracy of silence perpetrated by men because for centuries women have been brainwashed into believing it's their fault. It is the perpetrators fault and this abuse is happening to women and children every day and women are too scared to tell the truth. It is real life, not eastenders. The best proetection for women and children is the truth. Please don't insult women by suggesting it is anything other than what it is. I found your post offensive. To the op, you will do what is right for you, but abusive men remain abusive. They don't change.

MadameButterface · 12/01/2019 00:27

I wasn’t actually referring to your post :)

MadameButterface · 12/01/2019 00:35

But I don’t think anyone should be pressuring op to do anything except what she needs to to feel safe that’s all. She has spent her life protecting her dc from their father and she still is feeling that impulse now. There are many reasosn why women don’t feel able to speak up about violence: fear of being blamed or stigmatised or pitied or disbelieved, guilt, shame. And far too many mn threads disintegrate into people trying to browbeat ops into taking a certain course of action when what they are seeking is support or a place to talk through how they’re feeling anonymously. Or they end up being about bickering and infighting between people giving conflicting advice. So that said, i’ve said what i came to say and i’m not going to get into arguing the toss about it.

I wish you well op and hope you can resolve this

Buggeritimgettingup · 12/01/2019 09:39

Good luck in speaking to them, you really should tell your son and stbdil about the abuse of you can manage it. Hope you are ok x

MotsDHeureGoussesRames · 12/01/2019 10:00

Just to echo, please talk to your DS. It might be a difficult conversation but you should not have to sit next to this man, nor should your lovely DH be relegated to a relative's table. Your DS is behaving really selfishly. I'm afraid that in this situation, if after a conversation he and DILTB won't shift, I wouldn't be going.

RedHelenB · 12/01/2019 10:21

From your ds pov he wants his biological mum and dad at the top table and probably wanted them to be together for his childhood too. Op hasn't told him why she split up with his dad and if she says now it will seem like she's only saying it to get her own way. I don't see why everyone is piling on the son. Adults are too quick to think they know how children should feel on divorce.

SoupDragon · 12/01/2019 10:22

Op hasn't told him why she split up with his dad and if she says now it will seem like she's only saying it to get her own way.

What do you suggest she does then? Meekly sit next to the man who burnt her with an iron?

Gina2012 · 12/01/2019 10:34

I know how hard it is to seat everyone and please everyone, but I do not want to be seated apart from dh to sit next to a man that made my life a living hell for years. AIBU ?

But it's your sons wedding

And you will be sat there for only a couple of hours

If it's what your son/dil want, then surely you can manage to put your feelings aside for 2 hours?

RedHelenB · 12/01/2019 10:34

She has said that she can sit next to him earlier in the thread. I'm looking at it from her sons pov. I get the impression she wants to be at the wedding so everyone saying make her son choose between her and his dad/fiancee might be causing her unnecessary drama.

Moussemoose · 12/01/2019 10:37

@Gina2012 he burnt her with an iron!

She was severely physically abused.

No wedding is worth sitting next to someone who treated you like that.

To imply that the 'wedding' is worth sitting next to your abuser is outrageous. Shame on you.

icannotremember · 12/01/2019 10:39

If it's what your son/dil want, then surely you can manage to put your feelings aside for 2 hours?

He beat her and burned her with an iron and you think she should put her feelings aside?!

SoupDragon · 12/01/2019 10:40

She later said What I found is that somewhere inside me still is the terrified, young mother and wife of this abusive man. I have not really had to face it as had no contact for years and have been able to rebuild my life, but faced with being in such close proximity, it is all I can think about. I am able to be in the same room ( I think, for the sake of ds) but not sat next to him.

"Unnecessary drama" my arse.

moredoll · 12/01/2019 10:40

But it's your sons wedding

And you will be sat there for only a couple of hours

If it's what your son/dil want, then surely you can manage to put your feelings aside for 2 hours?

***

RTFT FFS!!
It is unforgivable for the OP to sit next to her abuser. The problem is that neither her DS or DIL know about the abuse.

GreenTulips · 12/01/2019 10:44

The best proetection for women and children is the truth

I wish they taught this in schools - give woman the power to speak up and be heard without feeling like they deserved it

Moussemoose · 12/01/2019 10:47

Thinking about what I posted. It's unacceptable for the OP to sit next to her abuser because he "branded her with an iron".

Actually, even if it was "a few slap on a Saturday night" it is outrageous to suggest that anyone is forced to sit next to an abuser for whatever reason.

As women we are prioritising the wedding and keeping quite for a nice easy life. No one make a fuss. It's the fault of the abused for mentioning the abuse. And this is how abuse continues and grows because some posters are suggesting the OP is at fault.

The OP has done nothing wrong this is the fault of her abuser.

RedHelenB · 12/01/2019 10:54

I'm not telling her what to do but just putting forward a possible viewpoint for her son/dil. The op has asked for advice, it's up to her to weigh it all up and make a decision.

Inertia · 12/01/2019 11:01

I’m sorry for the horrendous violence and abuse you suffered at the hands of your Ex, and of course it’s understandable that you’d want to protect your children from the details of that abuse.

Given the nature of the violence you suffered, your Ex sounds even more dangerous than many of us would ever have considered- frankly, he sounds like a psychopath. You know that Ex is building bridges with your son, and let’s be honest, he’s probably dripping all sorts of poisonous lies into your son’s ears. It sounds like your children need to know the details of what their father did, so that they can protect themselves, their spouses, and any children they may have. If they don’t know the truth, they don’t know what to guard against. I don’t think you can rely on a sense of him not harming his own children\ grandchildren- he’s a dangerous criminal who has deliberately tortured a woman, he has no boundaries.

Moussemoose · 12/01/2019 11:03

Yes because the son and the abuser are the most important people in this scenario.

Nanny0gg · 12/01/2019 11:04

@Gina2012

Did you at least read the OP's posts if not the thread?

I know personal attacks aren't right on forums but I do so want to make one here...

She was branded with an iron! He tried to set her hair on fire because she spoke to a male neighbour!

WTAF is wrong with you??

Nanny0gg · 12/01/2019 11:05

I'm not telling her what to do but just putting forward a possible viewpoint for her son/dil.

Then they're cruel and heartless. And your viewpoint is too.

RedHelenB · 12/01/2019 11:06

I do think you need to tell your son the truth though and it will help that his sister is old enough to back you up.

GroggyLegs · 12/01/2019 11:07

I haven't read all the replies, but I think the DS and DIL have had a conversation and preempted 'step family drama' hence the totally rigid stance.
They don't know the full details, so this has come from a skewed viewpoint.

OP, no way should you have to be anywhere near that fucker of an ex. You don't have to 'be nice', you don't have to be coerced by emotional manipulation into any more pain or discomfort because of him.

Tell your DS why you can't sit there & why. This is absolutely NOT of your doing.

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