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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother of the groom .. wedding seating plan

433 replies

Watershipdrown · 07/01/2019 21:47

Sorry but this may turn into an essay as I don’t want to drip feed.
Ds is getting married in 3 months time and was discussing the seating plan with his ds asking where she would like to sit etc. It came out that I am apparently sitting on the top table with exh next to me, as parents of the groom. Exh and I have been divorced for 23 years and I have been remarried to a wonderful man for 20 years. I haven’t spoken to exh in probably 15 years after police involvement for harassing me and making threats. My dh raised my 3 children as his own and we also have a son together. He has always treated the children as if they were his own, providing everything that they needed and wanted, while exh couldn’t even be bothered to keep up contact with them, despite living 20 mins drive away from us. Exh did not contribute anything in terms of maintenance for them, he did not turn up for visits and at one point told my dh to legally adopt them so that he would not be responsible for any money that they might need, all the while demanding a say in ridiculous things such as if they needed a haircut, I was expected to ask permission. Exh was controlling and physically and emotionally abusive and I was honestly relieved that he couldn’t be bothered to keep up contact, however I never tried to stop him, even though I probably should have. He was never threatening to the children but they witnessed some of his dv towards me. There was very little contact until ds was over 18 and could go into a pub and drink alcohol. They have built a shaky relationship now and I’m fine with that.
I am really hurt that dh has been relegated to a table with some other relatives and I really do not want to sit next to my exh at all. Dh is unaware of the seating plan and I can’t bring myself to tell him. I know how much he will be hurt and shocked as they have always had a great relationship.
I have tried to speak to ds about this and explain how uncomfortable this will be, but he’s adamant that it’s traditional and how they (Dil and ds) want it. I have said I would be fine not being on the top table, or exh and his partner being on it and dh and me perhaps at the other end but he will not change the plans. Dd has now fallen out with ds over this and told him just how wrong and incredibly inconsiderate it is to treat dh this way.
I know it’s their wedding and they can do what they like, seat people wherever they want etc. I know how hard it is to seat everyone and please everyone, but I do not want to be seated apart from dh to sit next to a man that made my life a living hell for years. AIBU ?

OP posts:
IPromiseIWontBeNaughty · 10/01/2019 10:49

Good luck OP.

icannotremember · 10/01/2019 11:46

OK so you don't want to seat next to him. You are entitled to your feelings but what you are not entitled to is to make demands to suit you and you only

Christ alive but that is a cold hearted response to a woman who is being pressured to spend her son's wedding reception seated next to the man who used to beat her.

neither suddenly coming up with what could be quite emotionally traumatic to him just before his wedding. It is really selfish.
Honestly? You honestly think the op would be selfish to tell her DS just why she is not prepared to sit with his father? You don't think the emotional trauma she suffered when abused by that man, or the emotional trauma she would experience if forced to sit with him at the wedding, matters at least as much?

What don't you stick to saying that you feel quite uncomfortable sitting next to him due to previous problems and also would rather sit with your dh but you don't want to make things complicated for him and his future wife and will be absolutely fine not seating at the top table.
The op has already done this, that is the whole point of her thread Hmm

Matter resolved.
If the matter was resolved by your suggestion there wouldn't be a thread at all Confused

ohtheholidays · 10/01/2019 12:08

Good Luck Watershipdrownfor what it's worth I think you sound like an amazing Mum and a very strong and brave lady.

I hope the talk with your DS and DIL goes well and that they've just been swept up in pre marriage madness. Flowers

TwiceMagic · 10/01/2019 12:26

@Nanny0gg. I think some of the responses on this thread have been weirdly (and worryingly) enlightening about:

  1. How little we, as a society, care about victims of DV. And, indeed, how DV is still not properly taken seriously as an issue.
  2. Quite how far the totally individualistic 'it's your day' narrative (as promoted by a really large and influential wedding industry) has become embedded in British culture. As well as the extent to which (instagrammable) appearances have come to matter more than people's feelings and relationships.
  3. How slowly British society has responded to widespread changes in family structures. Accommodating blended families (hardly unusual, and often over generations) in things like weddings should be unremarkable and straightforward in 2018.

Number 1 is really, really depressing.

Nanny0gg · 10/01/2019 13:33

@TwiceMagic

I agree with everything you've said

bastardkitty · 10/01/2019 16:52

Me too @Twicemagic . I also think many of the posters who post this goady shite on thread after thread are not in any way genuine MNetters. I reported one of the posters and they've been banned as a PBP. But there's clearly a few others who also need to FOTTFSOF.

Original poster
Watershipdrown · 10/01/2019 21:03

Thank you to all those who have given me support and kind words I really really appreciate it.
For those that think I should just put aside my feelings for the day and get on with it, I never had any intention of spelling it out on such a public forum, but this violence wasnt a few slaps on a Saturday night... NOT that that would be ok either, but this is a man who tried to set my hair on fire because I’d taken a parcel in for next door, who was a man and therefore I must be having an affair with him. This was a man that branded my back with an iron because his shirt wasn’t ironed properly. I did not want to go into any detail about my past but please tell me now if you still think I should sit next to him and smile and make small talk ? And understand why I do not want to go into detail with my ds, not just before his wedding, but not ever.

OP posts:
Jengnr · 10/01/2019 21:19

Has your soon seen your back OP?

I think it might be time he did. It’s not a nice thing for anyone to have to face (and I am so so sorry you had to go through that) but I think I’d want to know if that was the kind of person my ‘father’ was.

He’s old enough to understand what happened. He shouldn’t have to because it should never ever have happened. But it did. This is your truth and his family and he needs to know.

If it was me I’d want to know before I had children too. I’d want to keep them well away from someone capable of doing something so horrific.

I hope it goes well on Saturday and you have a wonderful day watching your son marry without anybody being allowed to mar it for you. xx

Jengnr · 10/01/2019 21:19

*son

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 10/01/2019 21:24

I was in an abusive relationship with a man for some years who was a fucking headcase, but this was more “only” gaslighting and a few shoves, slaps and heavy-handedness but I would no more want to sit next to him in a formal and public (and emotional!) setting, than I would want to get myself run over by your car. So I totally get it and fair play to you not wanting to tell your son the truth about what happened. That’s a real mark of decency. I think that you have to refuse to sit next to him but I can see how hard that will be without detailing the truth.

BlueJag · 10/01/2019 21:33

@Watershipdrown you sound amazing and so accommodating.
As much as it is their day you also want to enjoy it and having your ex next to you will be very upsetting for you and your husband.
Remember that Mestloaf song:
I'll would do anything for love but I won't do that... we all have our limits.

BlueJag · 10/01/2019 21:40

@ShatnersWig are they on glue? Sorry it made me laugh.
You are spot on.

Lollypop701 · 10/01/2019 21:44

What is your relationship like with dil to be? Maybe tell her? You wouldn’t have to tell her much more than about your back, and show her. You can’t sit next to the ex, you would remember your ds wedding day with horror. I’m glad your dh is a good man

GreenEggsHamandChips · 10/01/2019 21:48

Id end my relationship with my DS for being so despicably disrespectful and thoughtless.

Actually i do it for even having the ex in the same room.

homeishere · 10/01/2019 21:52

Having read your update I do actually thing you should have that conversation with your children and explain the abuse you suffered. They should know what sort of a man their father is.

ThisWayDown · 10/01/2019 21:59

OP you have already politely asked your son. He’s not respecting that. I think you do need to tell him how violent your ex was. Not only to explain your position but because your children have a right to know the violence someone in their lives is capable of.

I’m assuming your ex was never sent to prison?

There is no way you can sit beside your ex and your DS needs to understand exactly why. You aren’t protecting him by not telling him. You’re allowing him to somewhat unknowingly build a relationship with someone who could do those despicable things and who presumably hasn’t been ‘rehabilitated’.

Orangelego · 10/01/2019 22:01

I would tell your son that you will not sit next to exh. How he sorts it out is fine by you but let him know you will leave the wedding at the point you’re made to sit next to him. You are being ignored and imo thoroughly disrespected. I would be livid and for me the occasion would no longer be a happy one. Clearly your son has no idea of your trauma and vile experiences and at some point he needs to know!

Moussemoose · 10/01/2019 22:03

No wedding is worth this.

You need to to quietly and calmly explain the detail to you DS and DIL.

I trust with this information they will change their views.

abcdema · 10/01/2019 22:07

OP you should absolutely not sit next to this man. Please have a frank discussion with your son and dil

AcrossthePond55 · 10/01/2019 22:14

I'm so so so sorry you had to live through that Watershipdown.

Please lay it all out for your DS and future DiL (he'll tell her anyway). If after that happened to you they still think you should sit next to that non-human 'because it's their day' then understand that this is just the beginning. There will be birthdays, holiday dinners, Christenings, and school events to come and if you don't put your foot down now, you will be expected to 'suck it up' for the rest of your life.

ThanosSavedMe · 10/01/2019 22:15

You do not need to explain the abuse and violence you went through op.

You are completely reasonable to tell your ds that you will not be able to sit next to your exh at the wedding. It is up to you to decide how much to tell your ds

I hope the conversation goes well on Saturday

Morgan12 · 10/01/2019 22:22

Oh my God. I can only assume your DS doesn't know these details or he wouldn't possibly even suggest you sit next to him. Frankly if I were you I'd be disgusted that my son even still spoke to him.

Ellie56 · 10/01/2019 22:23

I agree you should not be expected to sit next to this vile sadistic excuse for a human being. You need to spell out to your son and DIL exactly what the bastard is capable of.

If my father had done that to my mother there's no way he'd be even coming to the wedding. Angry

You did so well to escape from him. Flowers

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 10/01/2019 22:27

Oh love, you’ve endured so much and protected your DS, but I think it is really time he learned the truth about his father. You cannot be expected to sit next to this evil man.

Moussemoose · 10/01/2019 22:27

It's amazing how many posters brushed aside the abuse. As the OP suggests posters obviously think a 'couple of slaps' should be ignored for big day.