Mother of the groom .. wedding seating plan

[Watershipdrown]

Sorry but this may turn into an essay as I don’t want to drip feed.
Ds is getting married in 3 months time and was discussing the seating plan with his ds asking where she would like to sit etc. It came out that I am apparently sitting on the top table with exh next to me, as parents of the groom. Exh and I have been divorced for 23 years and I have been remarried to a wonderful man for 20 years. I haven’t spoken to exh in probably 15 years after police involvement for harassing me and making threats. My dh raised my 3 children as his own and we also have a son together. He has always treated the children as if they were his own, providing everything that they needed and wanted, while exh couldn’t even be bothered to keep up contact with them, despite living 20 mins drive away from us. Exh did not contribute anything in terms of maintenance for them, he did not turn up for visits and at one point told my dh to legally adopt them so that he would not be responsible for any money that they might need, all the while demanding a say in ridiculous things such as if they needed a haircut, I was expected to ask permission. Exh was controlling and physically and emotionally abusive and I was honestly relieved that he couldn’t be bothered to keep up contact, however I never tried to stop him, even though I probably should have. He was never threatening to the children but they witnessed some of his dv towards me. There was very little contact until ds was over 18 and could go into a pub and drink alcohol. They have built a shaky relationship now and I’m fine with that.
I am really hurt that dh has been relegated to a table with some other relatives and I really do not want to sit next to my exh at all. Dh is unaware of the seating plan and I can’t bring myself to tell him. I know how much he will be hurt and shocked as they have always had a great relationship.
I have tried to speak to ds about this and explain how uncomfortable this will be, but he’s adamant that it’s traditional and how they (Dil and ds) want it. I have said I would be fine not being on the top table, or exh and his partner being on it and dh and me perhaps at the other end but he will not change the plans. Dd has now fallen out with ds over this and told him just how wrong and incredibly inconsiderate it is to treat dh this way.
I know it’s their wedding and they can do what they like, seat people wherever they want etc. I know how hard it is to seat everyone and please everyone, but I do not want to be seated apart from dh to sit next to a man that made my life a living hell for years. AIBU ?

God op yanbu at all

They want a ‘traditional’ top table? But also want a different arrangement from what the ‘proper’ traditional top table arrangement is? But most families now are not ‘traditional’, and that’s ok. Times change, i get that it’s their wedding but I can’t be doing with this ‘our special day’ crap that some brides and grooms have going on. Weddings should be about celebrating with the people you love and making them feel comfortable, welcome and at ease, in the mood to celebrate with the b and g. You did so well to get away from your ex and protect your dc from growing up in a house with dv. I totally get why this feels so disrespectful and sad making.

I'm so sorry, OP.

But I agree with others that your children should know what kind of person their father really is.

“As the OP suggests posters obviously think a 'couple of slaps' should be ignored for big day.”

Yy

I hate this attitude of b&g being king and queen for a day and everything has to be just so and conforming to some weird fantasy that probably doesn’t exist. Celebrate the life that you have, not some image you want to project. Marriage and family is about the real shit, not how it looks on instagram after.

OP

I agree that now would be an opportunity to tell your son about the sort of person that his father is, but I understand why you might not feel that this is possible.

Some of the posters on here make me feel a bit sick TBH. The OP isn't talking about having to sit next to Jane from Accounts who was a bit of a bitch during a training course 5 years ago, in which case she should be expected to suck it up for the sake of a loved one. This is a violent abuser FFS

I think that you really need to tell him more about what happened. I don’t think he’d want you sitting there if he knew either. At the moment he’s in the same mentality as some other people on this thread who think you should suck it up- because he doesn’t know the full story..

Jesus yanbu. I would be so disappointed in my son if he did this. You absolutely should not have to sit next to your abusive ex.

At my wedding my DF was next to me, DM next to him (divorced for 36 years) and DstepM next to DM. DstepM has been with DF for 30 years so I wanted her on the top table, but also made sure my DM was okay with it first (she was).

I know you think you've done the right thing by protecting your child from the reality of his family history but you've done it at your own expense. It is time to tell them the truth.

Please explain what really happened. A short calm email setting out what your ex husband did. It would give give him and his fiancé time to process it and make good choices.

I imagine you will resist this because you don't want to rock the boat- but you are denying them the chance to support you and you are doing yourself and everything you've achieved a disservice.

Sorry OP I've been lurking but had to say something. I think you are incredible, to liberate yourself and your children from that kind of abuse take immense strength and you should be applauded for that, I can't imagine what that kind of violence and cruelty is like and you are a very special person to have escaped that. I also get the point of view when marriages break down of 'don't ever slag the exP off in front of the children, they can be a bad husband but good dad' but this is different.

I agree with pp, the veil needs to slip, this isn't irreconcilable differences, this is a violent and dangerous man and I really think your son needs to know this. As you know it absolutely isn't ok and to be honest I'd be really hurt that he's invited at all, let alone sitting next to you on what should be such a happy occasion. Your dd gets it and it's time ds does too, sod the 'he gets to be a good dad too'.

Wishing you all the best for your chat, please don't minimise your experience.

I completely agree with ThisWayDown

"OP you have already politely asked your son. He’s not respecting that. I think you do need to tell him how violent your ex was. Not only to explain your position but because your children have a right to know the violence someone in their lives is capable of."

What of your son has s child with his wife. Is your ex a suitable person yo babysit a young child?

I am sure it is hard to tell but I think you do owe it to the children to tell them what happened.

This is really about more than the wedding. It is about a nasty violent msn having access to your family on the basis of biology. Not right.

I totally understand why you don't want to tell your son something so horrendous before his wedding, although please realise your ex is responsible for doing it in the first place- if he wasn't an abusive twat you would have nothing to tell. Your instinct to protect your children are admirable, but I do think your son deserves to know the truth and make any decisions based on that. To be fair to him, if he is unaware then he might feel YABU. Nobody likes being kept in the dark, as horrific as the truth is, there is much more relief in it than tiptoeing around matters he does not understand. imagine how he would feel if he makes the wrong decision here, and finds everything out after the wedding- it will taint his memory of the day with regret, especially if he would have done things differently has he been in full possession of the facts, and I'm sure you wouldn't want to risk that either.

You are totally NBU.
I do wonder if your son deep down knows what went on, but doesn't want to admit it to himself or tell his fiancé lest either of them think the apple might not have fallen far from the tree?

OP I am so sorry to hear that you had such a bad first marriage. Despite you trying to explain to your son that you would rather sit else where and him ignoring your requests I would explain to him very carefully the exact reason why.

He is old enough to understand and if I was in your shoes I would categorically make it very clear that I will NOT being sitting next to my exH.

Just the thought of it would make my skin crawl so I am sure you are very much at unease.

Holy fuck

Your ex is a vile specimen

@Watershipdrown you are an inspiration and I am so happy you found such a wonderful man later to help you to rear your children. I hope you get everything sorted on Saturday so that you can enjoy this wedding as you deserve to.

I'm afraid I believe you need to tell your DS what you have told us here, it was not just a slap - not that I ever ever believe any hand raised is not violence - but it was evil, malicious violence and frankly, as someone who has studied this, he will never change - perhaps he has asked that you be seated beside him to make you squirm, to control you? Your DS needs to hear this and also I believe your DDIL to be will want to know this.

Please forgive this part but you may need to examine it and I hope it does not exist for you

How is your DS - is he ever violent? I'm not saying he is but he needs to know his history so he can prepare himself to overcome it - if his DF had cancer you would have told him, this is a genetic predisposition to violence and extreme violence so it needs to be known, and prevented.

I was married to a violet ex. Not as bad as what you went thro OP. But horrendous nevertheless.

I haven’t told my dc how violent either, they know he was violent and that’s it.

If my dc decide to invite him to their weddigns(if/when they get married), I’d refuse my invitation.

Anyone who thinks I should be ‘the bigger person’ can go boil their head. No other victim of serious crime is expected ‘to be the bigger person’ and make small talk and smile with someone who has been violent to them and I refuse to either.

OP you do need to tell your son what your ex did. And make clear this is why you will not be sitting beside him. Not now not ever.

You’re far nicer and more dignified than I’d be.

He's an evil man. Please don't protect him.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation OP. I hope you and your DS are able to resolve this - maybe it IS time he knew the truth about your ExH.

You don't even have to go into detail, just tell your ds his Dad was physically violent in ways he doesnt know about and you can't sit near him. That should be enough, you can give him the whole story at a later point if he has questions.

God, yes, what if your ds and his wife have dc? How can he protect his dc from his dad if he doesn't know how violent he was to you?

I'd tell him now. He's an adult.

to you, @Watershipdrown.

Your DS wants your Exh sat next to him and not his Stepfather? what idiot came up with that shit? Surely not him all by himself?

For him to even consider this shows a complete lack of thought or gratitude for what your H has done for him and is affording his feckless spermdonor of a dad levels of kudos and recognition that he has absolutely no right to. the fact that he would smugly relish boosting the man who ACTUALLY raised his son off to another table is icing on the proverbial cake.

I want them to have the day they always wanted, just not at the cost of my mh and the relationship with dsf.

I would sit them both down actually and bring them BOTH right up to speed as to what kind of man your DS dad was and how he has NO right to be sat at ANY kind of table tbh, let alone the fucking top one and certainly NOT by YOUR side. Your son is old enough to get married, he's old enough to learn a bit about the kinds of creatures that walk this earth and what they do to others.

I'd also go further to say that you are adult enough to be able to be in the same room with this man who made your life a living hell, for their (warped sense of family) sake, but you will NOT allow him to be elevated to ANY kind of position of authority or standing by being seated next to you.

I'd also point out that YOU were there for your kids, YOU raised them, YOU fed them, YOU kept a roof over their heads. YOU dried their tears, and put plasters on their knees. All this while recovering from a seriously violent and abusive relationship. Then you met a man who took them all into his heart and has been more of a father to them than their own, and to have his love and efforts snubbed in this way is out and out rude.

Suggest that either DH and you sit on the top table and ex sits at the end with the bestman if need be, or the ex can sit on a table close by. He should and will be happy just to be there, he has no automatic right to it.

Your future DIL is 'lucky' in that her family has not been blighted with abuse, but your's has and if anyone knowing the truth of what's gone on at the hands of this 'man' would never in a million years seat him next to his victim and expect her to suck it up.

Time to tell the truth about the ex. Your DS doesn't have the information he needs to make the journey between boy and man. he needs to 'get this'

I'm with hissy:

Wanting you to sit next to exh is absolutely miles away the worst part.

But the snubbing of the REAL man who actually stepped up and supported you to and helped you to raise your DS is appallingly rude and bad mannered!

I've a good number of friends with stepfathers of the type they've lived with and been raised by and any that had a top table at their wedding that stepfather had a place on it

One friend of mine had both father and stepfather walk her down the aisle as she felt it would be out of order to leave either out. The parents marriage had broken down but unlike in your case they remained on good terms and the 2 dads were actually good friends - to the point when one became terminally ill the other helped with his care. The bio dad stayed living very close by and the kids saw about the same amount of both dads

But even another friend who didn't particularly get along with hers still recognised he'd had a part in raising and supporting her and had been there for her when she was younger (the difficulties arose when she was in teens when even bio relationships can go awry and she married young) still he was on the top table.

Your DS needs s dose of reality and a lesson in appreciating the people who ARE actually there for you.

It is very important you let your son know what happened during your marriage in order to protect his new family and any potential grandchildren. An abuser was married into my family and some family members knew his history. This put my young son and nieces at risk of sexual abuse and i have never, ever, forgiven those who knew, for putting my children at risk and never will. Physical violence is also horrendous with consequences for other family members. Bring it into the open as gently as you can so everything is transparent, and trust that you brought your son up in such a way that he will do what is right. It's our duty as women to ensure we don't keep secret men's crimes against women.

With hissy all the way. Exactly.

Omg watership down just read your update. Vile vile man.

Please don't be coerced into the fuckwittery of the fantasy fairytale wedding seating arrangement.

Make your son's day or break your husband's heart?