to say we're not dragging DC to this event?

[brookshelley]

PILs and SIL are asking us to drive to visit SIL for a major work event where she is getting an award. A huge professional achievement. However,

• it's an adults event not a family event.
• it's a 5 hour drive away
• DC are 3 and 1

The event is in the afternoon followed by a reception and dinner in the evening. DCs bedtime is 7:30 PM and become tired and cranky by 6:30 if they're not winding down by that point. So in practice, DH would attend and I'd be with the children at a hotel (SIL lives in a 1 bed flat so can't host us). In which case what is the point of bringing them at all.

ILs are upset as they want to see DGCs and are acting like I am being difficult.

DH agrees with me but his MIL/SIL in particularly are highly emotional and is avoiding discussing it further as they've both given him a huge moan about it already and he's tired of listening.

AIBU?

I repeat I have not been personally invited by SIL.

I would suggest speaking to her. Either (a) she is in on the whole madness, so you need to know she's willing to burn bridges to have you there (b) knows nothing about it or (c) she knows what's going on and thinks her mother is insane (plus various mixes, intermediates, etc).

Has she been previously reasonable with you?

Sounds like they’ll be happy to have you there to keep on top of the kids while they get to show them off and spend time with dh but if it’s just dh going you’re not needed.
That attitude plus the foot stomping when they don’t get their own way will only eventually end up with you wanting to see less of them.

Your DH needs to point out that expecting two young children to spend 9 hours travelling in order to attend an adult event looks like an extremely bad joke.

while they get to show them off

Show them off to whom? This whole thing sounds completely crazy.

Quite a few of us on this thread have clearly been to inaugural lectures at which children are, up to a point, welcome. So let's assume it's that. Even so, how does "hello, I'm the new professor's mother, these are my grandchildren, I know, the new professor doesn't have any, these are the children of the new professor's brother and his wife" play out? What's the audience that won't think the mother is unhinged?

You can construct some complex psychological model in which the mother is upset that her daughter, the new professor, does not have children and wants to give the impression that she does, in fact, have children, but surely that's the stuff of /r/JustNoMil made-up troll fantasy nonsense, not reality?

And if it's not an inaugural lecture (the OP hasn't said, as is entirely her right) then the children aren't welcome anyway, so it's all rather moot.

My initial assumption is that this is golden sister, scapegoat brother, but even in that context, it's incomprehensible.

I'm not one for the immediate screams of "No Contact!" but this all sounds so deranged that a long time-out while mother in law gets her shit together might not be a bad idea.

Reflectent, my FIL used to buttonhole complete strangers and show off the grandchildren - it's totally possible! I think it's to do with that new glow of grandparently love that makes them totally unable to understand that most people couldn't give a crap about a random baby/toddler. It used to be people he met in the park, supermarket check-out woman, people in cafes... I don't think it's that uncommon, and it's usually rather sweet. In this case, however, it's making the OP's in-laws completely unreasonable because their desire to see and show off their grandchildren is blinding them to all common sense (ie, length of journey, unsuitability of event for children etc).

She's a fucking loon.

His suggestion is that we don't bring it up again as my message has made the point, and that when the day comes he is going by himself and they just have to accept reality.

Perfect!

Problem is I don't think they are going to drop it. If they bring it up again say 'Oh, that's all done and dusted, we've replied, haven't we?' with a light laugh/hard stare/other, depending on their attitude.

And/or just don't answer the phone to them or engage in messaging.

I'd cancel the half-term holiday too.

In this case, however, it's making the OP's in-laws completely unreasonable because their desire to see and show off their grandchildren is blinding them to all common sense

You could be right. In which case, a twelve month time-out might get them to either see reason, or confirm they are nuts.

It sounds like perhaps they have convinced themselves this is going to happen, and aren't listening to the news that it isn't. But for whatever reason, the OP is in a sticky situation which is probably better resolved sooner rather than later.

And talking to the SIL seems pretty important. She could stop the whole thing dead in its tracks with "they can't come".

Has she replied anything else?

Nothing.

DH has been texting SIL and she says she’s relaxed about the kids coming, understands if they can’t come and is making plans for when she’ll come down to visit us.

Which means it’s MIL behind all the drama.

Which means it’s MIL behind all the drama.

She needs a time out. A long time out. Call her back in 2020.

Definitely the MIL making it all about her by the sounds of it!

I did think it was odd that a professional person receiving a professional award would be in any way upset that she didn't have her nephews/nieces there.

Her asking if it’s a joke is so rude!!

Has his mum been in contact about it today?

Good that the SIL is on side though!

DH to MIL in reply. "No we are not joking. The distance and the adult nature of the event make it unsuitable for such young children. I have spoken to SIL She understands this and is happy that I am attending. I have made the decision now so I suggest we all move on. Looking forward to seeing you both on the xx"

At least she thought twice about the original idiotic response. Maybe a degree of realism has caught up with her?

MIL is utterly bonkers!

I'd be rethinking the half term trip with them, let alone a day trip. MIL sounds like a complete irrational night mare. Glad it's sorted now - don't engage in any further discussion about it with any of them.

I have not read all posts since before I fell asleep but YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE at all! I wouldn't take such little kids. Stick to your guns, just go, the two of you, and don't tell anyone in advance.

dunno why you want flowers but feel this is stressful for you.

See I would reply to MIL that although she deleted her post and NO it wasn't a joke, and that we will take it that your no interested in actually seeing your grandchild and only want them for a photos.

And no I wouldn't care about starting WW3 because with people like your MIL whatever you do will be wrong if you do not agree with her.

I'm glad your SIL has more sense and is arranging to come and see you.

Don't acknowledge the deleted message. She clearly regrets posting it or was told by FIL to delete it.
No point in making it into a bigger issue.
Just let it be.

My first question is WHY does the auntie want the kids there at all? She's knows they're little more than babies... What's she hoping they'll get out of the event? What's she hoping to gain by having two small people there, who'll have no clue what's going on?

Absolutely no, no, no to your children attending! As an auntie myself, I can't think of anything worse than inviting the niece and nephew along to one of my work events!!
And they're 1 and 3? They're not going to have a diddly-clue what is going on, and no concept at all of "we have to look happy and proud of Auntie Whoever! Smiling faces on!"

Also, if I was another attendee at this posh awards ceremony, I'd think it was f-ing WIERD that there were very small children present. It's not an appropriate event for small children.

UNLESS this event is specifically described as "family friendly!" with kids activities being put on, I'm afraid the thought of my children attending wouldn't cross my mind for more than a nano-second.

Your hubby can go on his own, in his role of "proud brother", and auntie and in-laws can see the kids some other time.

YANBU. Unless it's the Oscars, in which case go! (And tell us all about it!).

My first question is WHY does the auntie want the kids there at all?

I thought the aunt was fine with the kids not going? I thought it was the MIL who is stropping?

I think in some respect your DH is right ...just ignore it now....his sister knows he is coming...and hasn't invited you or the kids anyway..

If MIL brings it up on the holiday just say the we statements from before..
or grey rock .... do not rise to it /change teh subject just keep repeating yourself...
be prepared possibly to leave the holiday.... why are you dreading the next phone call that is quite extreme...what can she actually do to you over the phone ....you can always put the phone down....

Although I now just pass the phone over to DH when its his mum ... Hi
xxx yes DH is here here he is hand phone over..if its not in, I say hi xx dh not here i'll get him to call you back, sorry got to dash just heading out the door/oh sorry theres someone at the door..

He knows not to agree to anything on the phone so if she starts on with arrangements he will either refuse straight away if its bonkers or will say - will have to check diary/work and get back to you

Help yourself step back.....has really helped my and MIL relationship (although I am highly unlikely to ever go on holiday with her)

I haven't acknowledged the deleted message and the chat has moved on to other topics. DH normally calls his parents at the weekend so that will be the first time dealing with it face to face. I plan to make myself absent for that call short of putting the kids in front of the camera.

DH has apologized to me that she was so rude, he knows his DM is prone to strops but says he's had to deal with it for his whole life and is used to it, so sometimes forgets that to someone who is less familiar she comes across really badly. We've been together 10 years, married 5, but her bad behaviour has really come out since the children were born.

Anyway - we are definitely NOT going to the event which is in April, but the half term holiday is still on. Again my plan is to be as absent as possible. When she realises that she can't spend time with my children and also be disrespectful to me - because they are still practically babies and dependent on me (the 1 year old still BF twice a day) - hopefully she will begin to change her attitude.