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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say we're not dragging DC to this event?

151 replies

brookshelley · 07/01/2019 10:14

PILs and SIL are asking us to drive to visit SIL for a major work event where she is getting an award. A huge professional achievement. However,

it's an adults event not a family event.
it's a 5 hour drive away
DC are 3 and 1

The event is in the afternoon followed by a reception and dinner in the evening. DCs bedtime is 7:30 PM and become tired and cranky by 6:30 if they're not winding down by that point. So in practice, DH would attend and I'd be with the children at a hotel (SIL lives in a 1 bed flat so can't host us). In which case what is the point of bringing them at all.

ILs are upset as they want to see DGCs and are acting like I am being difficult.

DH agrees with me but his MIL/SIL in particularly are highly emotional and is avoiding discussing it further as they've both given him a huge moan about it already and he's tired of listening.

AIBU?

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/01/2019 12:04

I agree it's too much. DH goes alone and that's that. Surely they understand

Fraying · 07/01/2019 12:09

It's not clear to me which parts the DCs can't attend. Is it only the afternoon event that is adults-only?
So, in theory, you could all attend the reception and the dinner? In that case, depending on how big the achievement is, then I'd go and take my DCs. It sounds like an one-off event. I wouldn't mind changing their bedtime for a special occasion.

HauntedPencil · 07/01/2019 12:10

I wouldn't take the DC. ILs will enjoy seeing them maybe but it will be a nightmare.

MoveOnTheCards · 07/01/2019 12:10

Christ. Unless she’s getting an Oscar or something it sounds like a pretty boring invitation and a very long way to go for it. Are the wider family in the same profession?

Stick to your guns OP, stay home with the kids. If she really wants to celebrate with them then surely she’d be happy for a more child-friendly opportunity. Same with the GPs.

Scottishgirl85 · 07/01/2019 12:11

We have an 8 month old and 3 year old and have attended several weddings and events going late into the evening. I think being really inflexible with routines isn't necessarily good for the child. However if you don't want to go then don't go.

HauntedPencil · 07/01/2019 12:11

I can't think of anything worse than trying to manage such young children in an adults work event, it's bonkers. I can't see many/any other children being there.

HauntedPencil · 07/01/2019 12:12

A wedding is very different to a works award ceremony

Fraying · 07/01/2019 12:19

A wedding is different but it's not clear if the entire focus of the event is OP's DSIL and hence it's expected that family attend too. Getting a lifetime achievement award, for example, is much more rare than someone getting married

mindutopia · 07/01/2019 12:24

It seems like a bit of a rude expectation even if your dc were actually invited and disrespectful to other attendees. Yes, children can have flexible bedtimes, but a 3 and 1 year old won’t be patient enough to sit quietly through a professional reception and dinner. It seems a shame to ruin it for other awardees just to have you attend. If this is a big accomplishment, surely the people being honoured should be able to celebrate and network in peace without having to shout over the screaming over tired toddler. Professional events aren’t really places for small children.

Mine was about that age (3) when she had to sit through my PhD graduation. It took a lot of distraction and bribery with chocolate and really wasn’t enjoyable for anyone.

Schmoobarb · 07/01/2019 12:25

Suggest dh goes alone.
They all sound nuts.
Your dc won't give a flying fuck about her award!!
Maybe you don't either?!?!

This. All the nope.

Lweji · 07/01/2019 12:28

Strops are best ignored. It's true for children and adults.

Your OH goes. You and the children stay. They can drive to see the children at other times.

Canibuildasnowman · 07/01/2019 12:28

I have an 'anxious' highly emotional SIL and over the years everyone has kowtowed to her wishes to keep the peace, not stress her out because throws big strops if things aren't EXACTLY the way she thinks they should be. DO yourself a favour a nip this in the bud with your very sensible suggestion at DH goes alone. Mid week, work, young kids, adult only = not practical on this occasion for you all to go.

SassitudeandSparkle · 07/01/2019 12:31

It's not a wedding with a room full of friendly family though, is it? It's a professional gathering which won't be expecting toddlers to attend! I'd take a toddler to a family occasion but this is more of an external meeting filled with non-family, although the grandparents may also be seeing it as a family occasion for some reason.

slappinthebass · 07/01/2019 12:36

No chance in hell I'd take mine. Unless the event was nearby somewhere else and we could make a mini break out of it, and then I'd enjoy the hotel on my own with the kids in the evening, room service etc and go for a nice day out somewhere the next day. I wouldn't even attempt to take the children to the ceremony or reception.

Mitzimaybe · 07/01/2019 12:42

From everything you've written, DH needs to tell MIL and SIL no. Your OP implies he's opting out of the difficult bit (saying no) because he doesn't like them moaning on at him. He does not get to fob this on to you and make you look like the bad one.

If he won't tell them that no, the children won't be coming then he can just take them himself and you have a nice relaxed night at home by yourself while he deals with 2 toddlers at an adult event and in a hotel. His family, his decision.

Holidayshopping · 07/01/2019 12:45

This!

timeisnotaline · 07/01/2019 12:45

Does your sil/ pil regularly say or imply that they aren’t interested in seeing you? Because if people don’t give a fuck about me when they should because I’m their sons partner and mother of his children, then I think it’s the green light to not give a fuck back.
Although I like the idea of sending dh & kids while you stay home because thats what pil want. I’m sure dh would probably regret it so much he’d jump on board with the rational approach faster next time.

Assburgers · 07/01/2019 12:47

Seeing as it’s midweek, can you offer to have everyone to yours to celebrate on the weekend? DH goes to the award thing, then that weekend they all come to you. Then if they decline & don’t want to travel 5hrs to see the kids it’s up to them.

ReflectentMonatomism · 07/01/2019 12:54

Seeing as it’s midweek, can you offer to have everyone to yours to celebrate on the weekend?

So let me get this straight. There's someone winning an award. That someone has a brother. That someone's brother has a wife, the OP. That someone's brother also has children, the award winner's nephews or nieces. Is that right?

Who on earth hosts family celebrations for their children's aunt winning an industry award?

Original poster

brookshelley · 07/01/2019 13:03

Thanks everyone. I wish it was the Oscars!

I have asked repeatedly, is this a child friendly event, are children invited? Have you asked if your nieces/nephews are allowed in? No answer. It’s a scientific award so I strongly suspect it’s not geared to toddlers.

From what I gather they want the kids around for the family dinner so I’d be with them on my own for the afternoon during the award and reception.

Mind you DH and I attended her uni graduation which required an international flight - so to suggest we don’t make an effort to support her is unfair. The kids are just too small for such a trip.

I’ve offered to host a celebratory party at ours at the weekend in the family chat - no response to that so far.

I’m going to outsource further enquiries to DH!

OP posts:

Holidayshopping · 07/01/2019 13:07

I would add to that on the group chat-‘sorry, as I’m sure you’ve guessed-the kids and I won’t be able to attend as it’s too long a journey and I don’t fancy being holed up in a hotel room with them for hours!’

What are they actually going to do?

Strop-let them
Bitch about you to each other-let them
Bitch to your DH-what would he say?!
Order you to come-errr, no!

MoveOnTheCards · 07/01/2019 13:07

Is your SIL particularly needy on the praise front OP? Isn’t recognition from her peers and a ‘well done!’ card from you guys enough?!

ILoveChristmasLights · 07/01/2019 13:11

Jesus wept.

A congratulations card is fine. She’s an adult, she really should not need a fan club at the award. She’ll have her parents there anyway, they’re being ridiculous and selfish expecting ANY of you to go up there for it.

Just. Say. No Can Do.

Cornishclio · 07/01/2019 13:13

They are being ridiculous. Dragging a baby and toddler on a 5 hour car ride to see their aunt get an award is not child friendly. Do the PIL and SIL live near you? As you say a family meal at yours or local either a few days before or after would be better. Your DH can go with PIL if he wants to go.

IncomingCannonFire · 07/01/2019 13:16

I've never known an industry award to involve children. When it suggests family members are invited it usually means adults. Such as partner parents or siblings.
It will be completely embarrassing and painful for you. Send dh on his own and ignore the rest of them.
Even the Oscars are not child friendly.

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