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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say we're not dragging DC to this event?

151 replies

brookshelley · 07/01/2019 10:14

PILs and SIL are asking us to drive to visit SIL for a major work event where she is getting an award. A huge professional achievement. However,

it's an adults event not a family event.
it's a 5 hour drive away
DC are 3 and 1

The event is in the afternoon followed by a reception and dinner in the evening. DCs bedtime is 7:30 PM and become tired and cranky by 6:30 if they're not winding down by that point. So in practice, DH would attend and I'd be with the children at a hotel (SIL lives in a 1 bed flat so can't host us). In which case what is the point of bringing them at all.

ILs are upset as they want to see DGCs and are acting like I am being difficult.

DH agrees with me but his MIL/SIL in particularly are highly emotional and is avoiding discussing it further as they've both given him a huge moan about it already and he's tired of listening.

AIBU?

OP posts:

dinosaurglitterrepublic · 08/01/2019 06:20

I would be minded to ask her if she is joking that she thinks it is acceptable for such small children to undertake a 4.5 hour car journey, settle in a strange hotel room and have to behave at dinner that same evening before undertaking a 4.5 hour journey the next day. They are children not performing seals.

A lot of threads where people say things are too much for the children are generally ridiculous and the scenario is question is totally doable. This is just stupid though. We took our 1 year old on 6 hour journey late one Friday and returned early on Sunday- it was way too much car time for a short trip and wasn’t fair on her. We said we wouldn’t do it again unless we really had to or it was for something amazing, it just wasn’t fair on her.

moredoll · 08/01/2019 06:29

MIL responded to my message with "Is this a joke?"

That's totally weird.

everydaymum · 08/01/2019 06:33

This 'event' isn't about SIL at all, your in laws are just wanting to parade around and 'showcase' the family without giving any thought to the actual family and impracticality of your attendance. They're annoyed because you're not playing into their hand. MILs comment shows that she just doesn't get it, and probably never will. You've said your piece so I'd just leave it at that.

EL2019 · 08/01/2019 06:51

OP, hand all communication over to DH and make sure he uses “we” statements. E.g “We’ve decided it’s too long for the kids ...etc.”

If you do all the folks they will blame you for being unreasonable and make you the bad guy. It’s harder for them to be annoyed with your DH.

(so long as he doesn’t throw you under the bus by making out it’s your choice e.g “Brookshelly doesn’t want to wait in hotel during ceremony”, it has to be more along lines of “We don’t think this will work for us”.)

Itsnotme123 · 08/01/2019 06:55

I would say to the in-laws. “What part of ADULT event do you not understand? It’s an ADULT event. My children will be running riot and ruining it for EVERYONE.”

People can be so unimaginative and stupid. Makes my blood boil.

Itsnotme123 · 08/01/2019 07:01

Actually, no.. I say take them. Let them behave really badly, screaming and running around, embarrass them all. Let them cause as much chaos as possible and don’t supervise, just smile at them. And then say “ see.. told you so” !!!

Original poster

brookshelley · 08/01/2019 07:08

OP, hand all communication over to DH and make sure he uses “we” statements. E.g “We’ve decided it’s too long for the kids ...etc.”

Problem is I thought I had done that already but PILs/SIL kept asking over and over if the children are coming. Hence why I wrote that message to make absolutely clear the position.

DH agrees with me but he feels his DM cannot handle the fact that we're going against her on this and will not respond rationally. His suggestion is that we don't bring it up again as my message has made the point, and that when the day comes he is going by himself and they just have to accept reality.

Problem is I don't think they are going to drop it and I'm dreading the next phone call. DH tried to call SIL yesterday but she wasn't available.

OP posts:

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 08/01/2019 07:13

Looks like your DH has the solution.
When they next call; just say you are too busy to come to the phone, and repeat.

moredoll · 08/01/2019 07:21

That's the sensible response, I think.

ALittleBitofVitriol · 08/01/2019 07:32

Sounds like your dh knows how these things play out. Trust him, and screen calls from your in-laws!
If they catch you, be super pleasant, repeat the party line cheerfully "So proud of SIL, can't wait to see you next time, 10hrs driving and behaving through a dinner/event is just not doable haha toddlers right?! Anyhoo, must dash!" Hang up.
If they have an immature tantrum, that shows you exactly who they are- they care more about control than what's best for their grandchildren.
I'd probably high road by sending a lovely bouquet to SIL.

Holidayshopping · 08/01/2019 07:35

DH agrees with me but he feels his DM cannot handle the fact that we're going against her on this

She really needs to start to appreciate that you are grown ups, parents and can actually do exactly what you want.

Holidayshopping · 08/01/2019 07:40

Problem is I don't think they are going to drop it and I'm dreading the next phone call.

Either ignore it or say very little and let her run out of steam. She cannot make you go and she is being selfish and not thinking of you or the children in her grand plans. You’re the ones that get to call the shots here-not her.

madeyemoodysmum · 08/01/2019 07:44

I’d do what dh suggested. She sounds like a very unreasonable lady. She is behaving twine a toddler herself.

EvaHarknessRose · 08/01/2019 07:49

We don’t want cranky kids taking attention away from SIL but would love to see her to celebrate soon.

SaturdayNext · 08/01/2019 07:54

If this is happening during term time, it's high unlikely that they're expecting any children to attend. Is there any way of contacting the organisers to find out?

Schmoobarb · 08/01/2019 07:57

Why are they making such a big song and dance about this? Has she won a Nobel prize or something? An Oscar?

I get it’s a big deal professionally for her but she can’t really expect her wider family to give that much of a shit, surely.

CantWaitToRetire · 08/01/2019 08:13

Sounds like you'd spend the whole of one half day driving (no fun having kids in the car for 5hrs at a time), event starts afternoon and goes on into evening followed by overnight stay at a hotel. I assume then that the PIL/SIL would expect to see the children the next morning before you travel back?

No way would I drag young children on such a long journey just to be holed up in a hotel room on my own with them, and then drag them on the same long drive back after they've been paraded in front of PIL/SIL the next morning. Stand your ground OP and refuse especially as they don't sound that keen to see you, and you'd have to take 2 days AL to go.

BusyMum47 · 08/01/2019 08:14

Screw them! You're being sensible, polite & amenable & doing what's right for your very young children & they're being utter arseholes!!!! Don't go, don't host a celebration for these very rude people & don't give it a second's more thought!

Hissy · 08/01/2019 08:17

Let this be the line in the sand. Your h deals with them, he can be the bad cop.

It’s all too easy to pick up the wifework.

FuckingYuleLog · 08/01/2019 09:00

If they keep pushing I’d just keep saying ‘I know you’d really like to see them but it’s just not fair at their ages to have them stuck in the car so long and then make them sit for a long meal. They’ll be really upset and cranky and that would ruin it for sil as well’. Just keep reiterating that what they want will really upset the children and you can’t do it.

SnuggyBuggy · 08/01/2019 09:10

Just say no, it's ok to say no

Original poster

brookshelley · 08/01/2019 09:24

If this is happening during term time, it's high unlikely that they're expecting any children to attend. Is there any way of contacting the organisers to find out?

I've actually considered this, but in the end even if they said children are welcome, it's still too much of a trek and even if they can come, the even it not set up or geared towards children so if they kick off with a tantrum someone (likely me) will have to take them outside.

If they were a little older I would be more willing, but at 3 and 1 they have absolutely no concept of what it means to SIL and will more likely disrupt it than anything else.

I actually think it's primarily PILs (mainly MIL) pushing for the kids because I'm remembering now that when SIL originally made the invitation it was just for DH, and he told her he'd have to rearrange some things at work to make it happen. The request for all of us to come came later after DH confirmed he'd be able to attend.

I repeat I have not been personally invited by SIL.

OP posts:

elvis86 · 08/01/2019 09:29

I think it sounds like your DH can't be arsed with the confrontation so is leaving it to you.

It's all well and good him saying "it needed saying, well done - just leave it now", but if you expect that his family will continue mithering you because they perceive that it's your decision, then he needs to intervene IMO.

"Is that a joke?" would have booked my piss. I'd have expected your DH to respond to that TBH.

elvis86 · 08/01/2019 09:30

*boiled my piss!

ReflectentMonatomism · 08/01/2019 09:54

As an update - MIL responded to my message with "Is this a joke?"

She wants a war, doesn't she?

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