to say we're not dragging DC to this event?

[brookshelley]

PILs and SIL are asking us to drive to visit SIL for a major work event where she is getting an award. A huge professional achievement. However,

• it's an adults event not a family event.
• it's a 5 hour drive away
• DC are 3 and 1

The event is in the afternoon followed by a reception and dinner in the evening. DCs bedtime is 7:30 PM and become tired and cranky by 6:30 if they're not winding down by that point. So in practice, DH would attend and I'd be with the children at a hotel (SIL lives in a 1 bed flat so can't host us). In which case what is the point of bringing them at all.

ILs are upset as they want to see DGCs and are acting like I am being difficult.

DH agrees with me but his MIL/SIL in particularly are highly emotional and is avoiding discussing it further as they've both given him a huge moan about it already and he's tired of listening.

AIBU?

My message was

“It would be nice if you guys could come down to [our place] at the weekend. 4 1/2 hr road trip each way for a day trip is going to be too much for the kids unfortunately. Hope you understand. Besides I suspect much of it will go over their heads 🤓”

Sent it over an hour ago and no response.

DH says well they needed to hear it!

Well done!

Great message op!!

Mind you DH and I attended her uni graduation which required an international flight

Did she attend yours, or equivalent?

I'm getting a very strong "Golden Sister, Scapegoat Brother" vibe.

ReflectentMonatomism

You’re onto something with that phrase I think.

Can someone watch the kids overnight for you, have a night away for you and dh? If you can pull that off it's a win win! If not him going by himself and kipping on his sisters sofa seems the best solution. That said I took my kids to such things when they were young - we lived overseas so no sitter and I just took the double buggy and they slept in it (dd has asd and actually loved such dress up events) did get some looks but always got away with it!

My dh is a scientist and they were always pretty understanding that sitters weren't an option as everywhere he's worked was like the United Nations! My kids were front row reserved seating (family attending is normal (for those querying it). Do check but there were babies at his professorial inaugural lecture, not family either and nobody batted an eyelid!

Oh no ReflectentMonatomism they’re obviously batshit & regular people don’t host aunties after they’ve won an award, unless they’re pretty close, but suggesting everyone else makes the journey instead of 2 little kids, might make them think ‘nah, can’t be arsed’ but at least she’s thrown the ball back, IYSWIM.

Youre not unreasonable. Asking family to take annual leave for a promotion whilst making it really difficult to attend?! Nope, sorry. Some people need to get their heads out their arses. An event is no time to spend quality time with niece/grandchildren anyway. I get that we want loved ones around us for big life things, but this seems silly. Stay at home. Let husband go with kids if he really wants to.

Do check but there were babies at his professorial inaugural lecture

Yes, that's pretty standard, as are (often very elderly) parents. I don't get the impression that this is an inaugural lecture, although it's possible.

Yes OP, fantastic response to them!

Well done. I wouldn’t want to go either, especially with the kids.

My dh is a scientist and they were always pretty understanding that sitters weren't an option as everywhere he's worked was like the United Nations! My kids were front row reserved seating (family attending is normal (for those querying it). Do check but there were babies at his professorial inaugural lecture, not family either and nobody batted an eyelid!

Sure but those are his own children right? Not extended family.

Many years ago I received a pretty impressive professional award and had a similar reception. My parents came and asked my brother and sister and their families because they saw it as a way of celebrating my achievement (after a pretty horrendous year), and also to use it as a reason for a family get together. Obviously the children weren't able to come to the actual event, but my brother/sisters spouses stayed with them for that bit and then they joined the rest of the family afterwards for drinks and a meal. It was all at a hotel and the kids were young, but my siblings wanted to celebrate with me and support me and my parents wanted to see their grandchildren, so it was a win win for everyone.
I feel sorry for the sister actually. It's a big thing to win something like that and now her success is being spoilt. Just because someone is an adult it doesn't mean that sometimes they can't have a celebration of their achievements.
FWIW I have also attended similar things for my brother. It's nice to do that for siblings.

I feel sorry for the sister actually. It's a big thing to win something like that and now her success is being spoilt.

No it isn't, or at least not by the OP. It is unusual, to say the least, to invite niblings from five hours away to these sorts of events. Inviting them, then getting upset when they don't come, is almost entirely self-inflicted. More plausibly, I suspect it didn't cross the aunt's mind that people would make a two day trip, but the OP's parents-in-law sewed the seeds and are now creating drama. As I say: golden child sister who must be worshipped, scapegoat brother who must dance attendance.

my brother/sisters spouses stayed with them for that bit and then they joined the rest of the family afterwards for drinks and a meal. It was all at a hotel and the kids were young, but my siblings wanted to celebrate with me and support me and my parents wanted to see their grandchildren, so it was a win win for everyone.

Would you have had a big strop if the spouses had decided it being 5 hours away on a midweek day meant they couldn’t come with the kids or would you have been sensible about it?

"now her sucess is being spoilt"... That is really really unfair to suggest that OP is somehow runing the SIL's big day She isn't. She is a mother, sorting out what to do for the best for two very young children. is this the SIL speaking?
My kids would at that age have had a blissful 5 hour kip in the car and woken up ready for a full night of sleeplessness and hyperactivity.
If the ceremony is at al like a graduation, people will be videoing and won't appreciate sqwaking.
As to people telling you not to be inflexible about routines, its often inconvenient that children seem to like them. Plenty of parents break routines on holiday when its easy to adjust, but I think it would be much harder at a midweek overnight adult ceremony, networking reception and event.
If you know where it is, why not go over the PILs heads and ring the Organizers or the Venue and ask them if they think it will be suitable for chldren that age. You may find they are not allowed in a licenced venue after a certain time.

I have come across this before, people who don't really spend significant time with very young children, not having a clue of what a very young child is capable of putting up with.
It is like bringing them out as cute entertainment, showing off really, without any consideration for whether the child wants to be sitting quietly for long periods in a vast noisy room of strange adults.
And if they do start to misbehave at the wrong moment you will have your hands full trying to calm them down with onlookers tutting and possibly critising your parenting skills to boot.
I could perhaps understand the SIL not fully appreciating the difficulties but the PILs?
Also. your DH should send the texts. He knows its a scheme which won't work for the children and he should make it clear its a joint decision. Its a cop out to let you take all the blame.
MY DH has represented us at funerals and similar events at other sides of the country when the children were less portable. No one minded at all.
I know its easier said than done, but stick to your guns and don't let them be mean about it. DH needs to really stand up for you if they do.

• ruining nt running. Typing without glasses soz

No way would I do that. Yanbu

It's nice to do that for siblings
YY that's my view too. I'd also think it was nice for DH if we were there with him. It's DSIL's achievement but it's DH's family event.

YY that's my view too. I'd also think it was nice for DH if we were there with him. It's DSIL's achievement but it's DH's family event

I agree. I also agree with a PP who said something along the lines of feeling sorry for the SIL. It sounds like her achievement is pretty special and I hope that bickering over who will attend won't spoil it for her. Having said that I totally get why the OP and the children won't attend, but as said in a PP of my own, I hope that they have the grace to acknowledge her achievement. I think posters here have been very dismissive of this in fact I can sense jealousy and resentment on a few levels here. Perhaps the OP's children (or her or her DH) will 'have achievements' in the future and the SIL and PIL will reciprocate.

It sounds like it is the gps pushing for the dc to be there not the sil?
I think what they are asking is so ridiculous that it’s hard to believe it’s true tbh.
I took my kids out frequently to eat in nice places from babies so they’d have been well able to sit nicely through a lengthy meal at that age. But I wouldn’t have contemplated having them sit for a meal after they’d already been sitting in a car for 4 1/2 hours! I think that would be really unfair and most toddlers would be frustrated to tears at being restrained for so much of the day. Really selfish of the gps to be putting their wants above the needs of young children.

Sounds like the perfect chance for you to have a night off. Wave DH and kids goodbye, and get yourself off to a spa for the night.

As an update - MIL responded to my message with "Is this a joke?" and then deleted it. DH and I both saw it before she deleted it.

I'm really irritated about her attitude to put it mildly.

We are all going on holiday together at half term so honestly I cannot understand why the strop over this.

Your in laws are crazy! Driving small children halfway across the country is madness gor something like this. They’ll be miserable, cranky and it’s just unfair on them. You are def not unreasonable. Why can DH go on his own? I would be furious at MIL message too!