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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu thinking my parents should pay

430 replies

PigsInSlankets · 06/01/2019 22:59

For themselves on my birthday? I don't expect them to fork out on my dinner or my dh/dc. But its a 'milestone' birthday and I don't think it's fair to expect me to pay for themselves and their families.

Attending are myself, DD, DH.
My DMis bringing 2 DBros and DGM
My DF is bringing DSM, 2DBros and 1DSis.

They suggested going for dinner to celebrate, and now they've both said they're unwilling to pay. It's been booked for months and they've told me they don't want to pay when it's only 2 weeks away.

OP posts:
flowery · 07/01/2019 13:22

" It would be the height of bad manners to sit there and let elderly people pay for you."

Well, I would struggle to allow my parents to pay for us as well - they are on pensions and we are earning.

But I think there's a whole world between that and parents expecting offspring to pay off mortgages and fund holidays as a matter of course. To me that's just bizarre.

M3lon · 07/01/2019 13:23

My DFs pension is bigger than my salary...

Good for you OP! Hope they learn from this.

Pa10ma · 07/01/2019 13:26

DH’s mother is from a Central Asian county (trying to be vague)! I’m from a southern Euro country, but Ive been here 20 years. For both of us, there is no way you can ask or expect parents to pay when out and about. But to be honest, even apart from family dynamics, I’ve genuinely never been asked to pay to attend a party since I was maybe early 20s. For instance, a friend is about to celebrate a significant birthday. She’s hired a house with a spa in the country and she’s taking I think 30 something people for the weekend. People will of course take gifts and have to sort childcare to be able to join her, but it wouldn’t enter her head to ask for contributions. Her event - her choice, just as she will be a guest when other people invite her back, so it’s all swings and roundabouts.

macaroniandpizza · 07/01/2019 13:28

Id cancel it how rude of them

dustarr73 · 07/01/2019 13:29

So not only did they extend the invite they wanted you to pay for the pleasure.Some people really love spending other peoples money.

Thank God you found out now,and not at the end of the meal.Even though their faces would have been pricelessGrin.

Glad you cancelled,just do your own thing.

mummyhaschangedhername · 07/01/2019 13:29

Well done OP. Enjoy your meal with your family.

PA10MA -that's not normal. Not many families these days can afford to pay off their parents mortgages nor should they. Yes culture makes a difference. My uncle is Indian and as the eldest child he takes care of his mother even though they aren't in the same country. That's the culture, but it's certainly not normal for her.

Holidayshopping · 07/01/2019 13:30

Well maybe I have unusual parents then? confused They fully expect to come in holiday with us, for us to pay for everything. They might buy me a coffee once a year. They were livid we didn’t offer to pay off their mortgage sooner than we did because of “the stress it caused them.” God knows what would happen if I asked them to pay for dinner!

I think anyone being ‘livid’ over such things is entitled and incredibly rude! Are they livid a lot?

I wouldn’t want my parents to come on all my holidays and I certainly wouldn’t want to pay for them.

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2019 13:31

Paloma, ok, that makes more sense if you're not from the U.K., I'm surprised you don't understand british culture though if you've been here so long though.

And this isn't a party. No one is talking about paying to attend a party, which no is not charged for. This is going out for dinner. Which is very different.

Ngp64 · 07/01/2019 13:35

If anything they should pay for you if it’s YOUR birthday? It should be a treat for you and to me that feels like a punishment almost 😂 but yes if anything they should at least pay for themselves if they’re not willing to then they don’t have to come!

hellsbellsmelons · 07/01/2019 13:35

We do things very differently in my family.
If it was my birthday, I wouldn't be expected to pay a penny for my meal or for my drinks.
Why would the birthday girl / guy be expected to pay for everything?
That's just odd as far as I'm concerned.

Pa10ma · 07/01/2019 13:38

A lot of my friends are obviously British, but (this is how it seems to me at least), you get to a certain age where most people expect to be the ones paying by default and refuse to let parents or friends chip in, whether they offer or not?
Even if my parents or DH’s DM suggested a day out or dinner or whatever, they would literally go incandescent if we expected them to pay because they brought us up and now are not working, so it’s like a moral obligation that we should insist on, if you follow me?

Holidayshopping · 07/01/2019 13:41

Even if my parents or DH’s DM suggested a day out or dinner or whatever, they would literally go incandescent if we expected them to pay

but they would be livid if I / we let them.

They were livid we didn’t offer to pay off their mortgage sooner than we did

Do they have anger management issues?!

Pa10ma · 07/01/2019 13:43

It’s more that they would blank us, Holiday. For quite a while. This has happened in the past.

Troels · 07/01/2019 13:45

Well done OP. Has your Mum replied yet?

Holidayshopping · 07/01/2019 13:46

It’s more that they would blank us, Holiday. For quite a while. This has happened in the past.

Wow. I think my relationship with my parents is very different to yours Confused.

rookiemere · 07/01/2019 13:46

It may have been appropriate in previous generations Pa10ma for the younger folks to treat the older ones, but these days many older folks are more financially well off than their offspring due to good pensions and previous low property prices.

In your case I'd treat being blanked as a bit of a blessing really, certainly for your wallet Grin

Good on you OP !

oh4forkssake · 07/01/2019 13:48

Well done OP! Excellent work.

Happy Birthday Thanks

Gth1234 · 07/01/2019 13:53

At time like these I think of Philip Larkin:

This be the verse

allpoetry.com/This-Be-The-Verse

flowery · 07/01/2019 13:53

I don’t think being blanked by someone who is livid because your offer to pay off their mortgage was too tardy for their liking is much of a hardship tbh

Holidayshopping · 07/01/2019 13:54

@Gth1234

Brilliant!

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2019 13:56

A lot of my friends are obviously British, but (this is how it seems to me at least), you get to a certain age where most people expect to be the ones paying by default and refuse to let parents or friends chip in, whether they offer or not?

It's odd your social circle is the same as your parents, as frankly it's unusual. We would never expect the birthday person to pay for going out for dinner, it would always be our treat, and our friends all behave rhe same. The norm is to treat the person whose birthday it is, not to expect them to treat everyone else, a party though is different, the host pays for this.

My daughter is only 21 but it will be a cold day in hell before i expect her to pay for me, and to then punish her, be livid or blank her if she doesn't is not something we would do, and it's not something anyone I know would do.

Drogosnextwife · 07/01/2019 13:57

I can not believe they expected you to pay for 9 other adult meals (presuming they are all adults) and they suggested it! Did they both expect this?

Pa10ma · 07/01/2019 14:01

I can see how it must sound flowery. They are very stressful tbh and there have been three - six month periods were they have blanked me. One time it was because some flowers didn’t arrive on time (the delivery company let me down). They can’t cope with anything like this. Once they didn’t speak to us for months because I gave my mum a “cheap” type of card, even though we’d just furnished a holiday home for them. Sometimes on MN, I do wonder if I’m mad.

Holidayshopping · 07/01/2019 14:03

I can see how it must sound flowery. They are very stressful tbh and there have been three - six month periods were they have blanked me. One time it was because some flowers didn’t arrive on time (the delivery company let me down). They can’t cope with anything like this. Once they didn’t speak to us for months because I gave my mum a “cheap” type of card, even though we’d just furnished a holiday home for them. Sometimes on MN, I do wonder if I’m mad.

And you take them on holiday with you and pay their mortgage off and they are fuming with you because you didn’t do it exactly
When they wanted.

Frankly they actually sound emotionally abusive.

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2019 14:05

I'm not sure mad is the word, but if you can't look at your parents behaviour and see what's wrong with it, but instead look at it and think excellent, I too shall behave like that and get others to pay for me, and be rather horrible if they don't, then yes I'd say something is wrong.

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