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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu thinking my parents should pay

430 replies

PigsInSlankets · 06/01/2019 22:59

For themselves on my birthday? I don't expect them to fork out on my dinner or my dh/dc. But its a 'milestone' birthday and I don't think it's fair to expect me to pay for themselves and their families.

Attending are myself, DD, DH.
My DMis bringing 2 DBros and DGM
My DF is bringing DSM, 2DBros and 1DSis.

They suggested going for dinner to celebrate, and now they've both said they're unwilling to pay. It's been booked for months and they've told me they don't want to pay when it's only 2 weeks away.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 07/01/2019 14:11

It sounds like it was your DF's idea? Shouldn't he be paying then?

Pa10ma · 07/01/2019 14:13

Over the mortgage, my dad had forced my mum to move, but then they couldn’t sell their previous house so they took out a loan which turned into compound interest and they were at risk of losing all the equity in their house. So DH said he would try his best to sort out the money for them. That was on a weekend day. By the Thursday when I rang, they were literally hysterical and livid because my dad had told my mum to wait by the phone with a notepad with bank details on it. Apparently we had made everything ten times more stressful and how could we fo this to them at their age and with their health, etc. I tried to explain that it sometimes takes a few days to move money. It’s not just there and available in our account and we had to look into the best options, but they don’t get this at all. No excuses, nothing. I was very upset actually.

UnicornSlaughters · 07/01/2019 14:17

That's some extreme CF-ery from your parents. Glad you've cancelled and hope you have a lovely birthday without the freeloaders

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 07/01/2019 14:21

"Well maybe I have unusual parents then? They fully expect to come in holiday with us, for us to pay for everything. They might buy me a coffee once a year. They were livid we didn’t offer to pay off their mortgage sooner than we did because of “the stress it caused them.” God knows what would happen if I asked them to pay for dinner!"

They've used you like an ATM!

I'm all for treating my parents every now and then and we take them out on their birthdays but no way am I paying for their holidays and paying off their mortgage! You must be one hell of a doormat!

When we go out with family and In laws, I either ask how the bill is being split or have mine, DH and DDs added to a seperate bill which we pay at the end (normally when MIL insists on paying and won't take no for an answer). I don't need them to pay especially when we're just meeting up for lunch.

Jubba · 07/01/2019 14:23

Ooh. This pisses me off. We’re constantly asked by family to go put. Then once out. One family member make us pay

Our rule is. Whoever asks pays. So if my mother says shall we all go to lunch. The rule is. She pays. If my sister says the same thing. She pays. If I suggest it. We pay.

But one member says. Let’s all go out. Then wants us to pay!! No way

Holidayshopping · 07/01/2019 14:23

@Pa10ma I feel very sad for you. That really is awful.

tenbob · 07/01/2019 14:27

@@Pa10ma
Your parents are financially and emotionally abusing you
This isn't a cultural thing, this is a totally dysfunctional and bullying thing

HugoBearsMummy · 07/01/2019 14:29

I really, really don't understand the whole 'if you invite someone to join you for a meal, you pay' logic??
So if you haven't seen a friend for a while, and suggest having a meet up for dinner or lunch for a catch up, that means you should pay for the person as well as yourself? Jesus if that was the case I'd never see my friends lol!
We all pay for ourselves/ go dutch, I considered that to be the norm!
And for your family to expect you to pay for them to have a meal out on your birthday is completely bizarre I'd have thought they'd pay for themselves and maybe all chipped in to buy you yours?
Weird!

jannier · 07/01/2019 14:29

Im sorry there seems to crossed wires I assumed as you invited me that you were paying. Totally understand if you can no longer afford it so happy to cancel....

Pa10ma · 07/01/2019 14:31

Sorry I don’t mean to derail the thread with all this Blush. To be honest, I have pulled back a bit in the last few years because I got to the point where it was all too much and I need to concentrate on my DC and DH and myself. But Thankyou anyway Flowers

joanmcc · 07/01/2019 14:33

"They were livid we didn’t offer to pay off their mortgage sooner than we did "

You still paid it? Do you have "welcome" tattooed on your forehead?

Original poster
PigsInSlankets · 07/01/2019 14:40

DM responded. She told me not to bother putting out a glass for her.

OP posts:
seven201 · 07/01/2019 14:41

Your parents are shits. Sorry. Have a lovely time with dh and dd

tenbob · 07/01/2019 14:43

I'm sorry, pigs
What a shitty attitude from her

Enjoy your meal with your lovely DH and DC

Lweji · 07/01/2019 14:44
Shock
Missingstreetlife · 07/01/2019 14:47

If you invite them maybe, if they invite you they might all chip in to pay yours. Or everyone pay for themselves and make own arrangements for who they invite. Yanbu

tiggerkid · 07/01/2019 14:47

I can't believe they are bringing all those people and saying they don't want to pay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tell them you can't afford to pay for all those folks and if they don't want to pay, they can go out with them on their own terms. Proceed with your dinner without them! Just amend the booking and say you'd need a smaller table now.

Lifeofsmiley · 07/01/2019 14:52

jubba there’s a big difference in suggesting people meet up for dinner which people usually pay for themselves or actually inviting people and specifically saying I’ll take you out for dinner.
Most people I know expect to pay for themselves and I would never think oh because you asked me I get a freebie.
That would mean people with a lower disposable income never go out in case they suggest it and have to pay for everyone.

tiggerkid · 07/01/2019 14:52

DH’s mother is from a Central Asian county (trying to be vague)! I’m from a southern Euro country, but Ive been here 20 years. For both of us, there is no way you can ask or expect parents to pay when out and about.

I can understand the cultural differences and it is, indeed, uncommon in many cultures to ask parents to pay for themselves at family gatherings. However, the unfortunate reality of life in the West is that many people are barely making enough money to cover their own needs, let alone those of their parents. And, in this particular instance, the parents also want to bring their relatives to the party but don't want to fund any of the costs.

Despite the fact that I understand what you are saying, I also honestly don't see how the OP could possibly finance something that she is either can't afford or can't stretch to finance? And even if she is unwilling to stretch or extend her finances to fund this circus, it would still be fair!

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2019 14:54

She told me not to bother putting out a glass for her

Jesus. Lesson 1.01 in parenting right there. How not to treat your kids.

I'm wondering if you and paloma are related.

That's a horrible thing for your mother to write, she expects you to take her and hers out for a slap up meal on your birthday and when you say no, she then says she won't even join you for a drink as punishment. That's horrid.

There are many things you could text back, but don't, just respond saying no problem.

PattiStanger · 07/01/2019 14:55

They won't be any loss on your birthday OP, have a lovely meal

Pa10ma - hopefully this thread has opened your eyes to the fact that you may be being finacially abused

irenaballerina · 07/01/2019 15:01

She sounds delightful!

woollyheart · 07/01/2019 15:08

What a charming DM you have!

I've never paid for a meal on my birthday. The rest of my family would be shocked at this behaviour.

Happy Birthday! ThanksCakeWine

muckandbrass · 07/01/2019 15:11

Sorry to hear your DM's response OP. You must be upset, gutted even. There must be a back story here. I hope you can heal from this. Give yourself time.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/01/2019 15:13

She told me of to bother putting out a glass for her

I’d feel like texting back “well there’s you off my Christmas card list then”. But I’d just ignore her. I hope you arent too sad at her response. It’s not worth getting upset. She sees you as an atm unfortunately.

Pa10ma
I would be nc by now. Your parents sound horrible. I don’t think they’d be satisfied if you gave them all your worldly goods and lived on the streets.

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