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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu thinking my parents should pay

430 replies

PigsInSlankets · 06/01/2019 22:59

For themselves on my birthday? I don't expect them to fork out on my dinner or my dh/dc. But its a 'milestone' birthday and I don't think it's fair to expect me to pay for themselves and their families.

Attending are myself, DD, DH.
My DMis bringing 2 DBros and DGM
My DF is bringing DSM, 2DBros and 1DSis.

They suggested going for dinner to celebrate, and now they've both said they're unwilling to pay. It's been booked for months and they've told me they don't want to pay when it's only 2 weeks away.

OP posts:
Pa10ma · 07/01/2019 12:21

To be honest OP, I’ve never gone to a 30th or 40th when the birthday person hadn’t chosen her own event, invited however many people she could afford to invite and, of course, paid for the occasion. I mean, you can really expect people to come to your choice of venue and then pass the bill round, can you? Confused I can see it’s slightly different in this case because they suggested going out for dinner in the first place, but presumably you would have invited them to something and have covered the cost of hosting your own event?

Celebelly · 07/01/2019 12:38

I mean, you can really expect people to come to your choice of venue and then pass the bill round, can you?

Er, yes? That's what you do when you want to spend time and celebrate with someone you love? Literally every birthday meal my friends have had has worked this way – they've suggested a restaurant and asked if anyone would like to come celebrate with them, we then turn up, pay for our own food/drinks and have a nice time together. If anything, it makes more sense for the people attending the meal to pay a bit extra for the person whose birthday it is as a present rather than expecting the birthday person to pay hundreds of pounds of their own money for everyone else's food and drinks.

It often strikes me on these threads that there seems to be a disconnect between people who genuinely want to celebrate and spend time with people they care about and people who want what they think they're entitled to or who expect something in return. It's the same on wedding threads.

flowery · 07/01/2019 12:41

”Table has been cancelled and parents informed. I've booked another table at a restaurant nearby for just me, DH and DD.”

Are you certain the other guests were expecting you to pay? Seems a shame to exclude the rest of your family because of your mum and dad.

HJWT · 07/01/2019 12:47

@Pa10ma My dad pays for birthday meals

Lydiaatthebarre · 07/01/2019 12:50

Wow. My parents always treated us to a meal on big birthdays, and my mum still does. If your parents can't afford that, fair enough. But why suggest going out for a meal then?

You were quite right to cancel.

Holidayshopping · 07/01/2019 12:51

Have you told the others who were coming? I’d rather they heard it from me

Pa10ma · 07/01/2019 12:52

Cale - hmm, I hear what you’re saying , but I am surprised by this tbh. I remember years ago, someone was having their 40th. She booked a restaurant in Guildford (most people lived in London or elsewhere, but not Guildford). Then a week before the event she sent a menu round and told everyone it would be £xxx per head!! But not to worry, guests would receive a “ free glass of wine” on arrival Confused. Whooo! So basically, people were expected to travel miles to Guildford; pay for babysitters and in some cases overnight hotels; bring a gift and buy their own food, all for the privilege of this invite. People were very shocked tbh; many dropped out and it really soured the evening. She should have just hosted a buffet one afternoon if she couldn’t afford the restaurant.

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2019 12:53

I mean, you can really expect people to come to your choice of venue and then pass the bill round, can you

You're the mother aren't you?

I would happily take my child out, no matter how old she was, for her birthday for dinner, and if I couldn't afford it, I'd do something at home for her. I would never in a million years expect her to take me and my extended family out for a slap up meal because it was her birthday.

In case you didn't get the memo, someone else's birthday doesn't mean you are the one who gets treated, that's not how it works.

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2019 12:55

People were very shocked tbh; many dropped out and it really soured the evening

Jesus, she needs to get new friends, poor cow. They were only coming Becayse they thought they were getting a free meal?

Celebelly · 07/01/2019 12:59

I think if you're hosting a formal 'event' where people are expected to travel and stay overnight, etc. that's a bit different to a meal in a restaurant. Personally speaking, I've happily travelled from the north of Scotland to Devon for a milestone birthday and spent a few hundred pounds doing so because I wanted to spend time with the person in question, but if it was someone I wasn't that close with then I'd just have said no thanks and not gone. But a lot of the time you can stop misunderstandings happening just by being clear in your communications. It's when people aren't clear or word it ambiguously that there are problems. As long as people know what to expect, then it's their choice to attend or not.

Pa10ma · 07/01/2019 13:02

It’s interesting how people vary really. My parents might half-heartedly expect to pay for their own meal, but they would be livid if I / we let them. This would apply to any meal out, not just birthdays and it’s bedn this way since I was about 28, I would say.

Surely when you throw a party you do so because YOU want to celebrate with people and YOU want to treat your friends. If it’s just a few friends, so be it.

ShesABelter · 07/01/2019 13:04

Well done Op.

abacucat · 07/01/2019 13:04

Yes it is interesting how different it is between families. My parents always insist on paying. I insisted once on taking my parents out for a meal and they said it felt strange when I paid. In laws always insisted on paying too.

BumbleBeee69 · 07/01/2019 13:07

great news OP, and a very happy birthday when it arrives. Cake Flowers

Celebelly · 07/01/2019 13:07

Yes, my parents always pay if we go out for a meal. I've treated my mum to lunch a couple of times when we've been out shopping, but if we go out for dinner they always pay and wouldn't hear of us doing so.

DioneTheDiabolist · 07/01/2019 13:09

Well done OP.

Holidayshopping · 07/01/2019 13:11

It’s interesting how people vary really. My parents might half-heartedly expect to pay for their own meal, but they would be livid if I / we let them. This would apply to any meal out, not just birthdays and it’s bedn this way since I was about 28, I would say.

Are you saying you always pay for your parents meals whenever you go out and they would be livid if you didn’t?!

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2019 13:11

We have went out for friends or families birthdays many a time, and everyone always splits the bill so the birthday person doesn't pay. I would not dream of making my daughter buy me a meal because it's her birthday,

I'm genuinely shocked anyone would think someone's birthday means they should pay for others, do they expect the birthday person to buy everyone gifts too?

Talk about arse about face.

Returning2thesceneofthecrime · 07/01/2019 13:11

My parents made a really big deal of the first time I took them out fir a meal. They were so proud of that (not entirely sure why). But it made me want to do it more often/on a regular basis so it worked out well for all involved 😂

Pa10ma · 07/01/2019 13:11

Well maybe I have unusual parents then? Confused They fully expect to come in holiday with us, for us to pay for everything. They might buy me a coffee once a year. They were livid we didn’t offer to pay off their mortgage sooner than we did because of “the stress it caused them.” God knows what would happen if I asked them to pay for dinner!

katekat383 · 07/01/2019 13:11

Good for you, OP.

abacucat · 07/01/2019 13:13

paloma That does sound unusual, unless you are far far wealthier than your parents.

flowery · 07/01/2019 13:16

"Well maybe I have unusual parents then? They fully expect to come in holiday with us, for us to pay for everything. They might buy me a coffee once a year. They were livid we didn’t offer to pay off their mortgage sooner than we did because of “the stress it caused them.” God knows what would happen if I asked them to pay for dinner!"

Yes, you have very unusual parents. That behaviour is odd in the extreme. Why on earth did they suddenly expect you to start funding their lifestyle, to the extent of paying off their mortgage? And when they were 'livid' that you didn't offer to pay it off sooner, why didn't you withdraw the offer because of their ungratefulness? I would have!

Pa10ma · 07/01/2019 13:17

It’s possibly a cultural thing? DH is also financially responsible for his mother. She has money, but this is not the point in his family or cultural background. It would be the height of bad manners to sit there and let elderly people pay for you.

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2019 13:17

Paloma that's not the norm here at all.

Are you culturally from a non U.K. culture? I know some Asian cultures for example the children are expected to effectively financially support the parents as they get older.

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